Chapter 14: Disgruntled Hobbits and Indignant Crickets
 
 

Undomiel watched as the disgruntled and PJ-less DWARFs walked back into camp, a pack of ELF elves trailing behind them suspiciously.

”Here, this might help. It's got an ultra - low setting and a diffuser, so you shoould be o.k.” Undomiel tossed each of them a hairdryer. “Oh, and I found this little guy wandering around. I think he belongs to you, Liz.” She handed over a very disgruntled Cletus.

“Hey, look! There's a hobbit hole!” Lizard cried. “Don't ask me what it's doing on the outskirts of our camp, or why the elves followed us this far.” She gave a chagrined look. “Quick, none of the elves are looking. We'll just pop in and hide with this reclusive hobbit for a while.”

The elf-hunters piled inside before the hobbit within can protest. Unfortunately, the hobbit hole was small and the incoming folk were big. Soon, there were so many people they could barely shut the door. Inside was a sweaty pile of elf hunters, one hobbit, two elves (Legolas and Elrond), and one foxy human (Orli, of course).

”Ok, let's hope the elves pass soon. I think we're going to run out of oxygen in about two minutes.” Nimrodel didn’t look very happy. “We can use those two minutes to arm ourselves just in case they're still out there. If you can move, Undomiel, pass out those hair dryers!”

”Am using up oxygen just adding this, but I gotta,” Lizard said. “Thanks, Undomiel, for finding Cletus! You're my hero!”

“YIPPEE!” Mariana shrieked. “Just found seedcake!” She gobbled it down gleefully, much to the dismay of the now disgruntled hobbit.

(PEF word of the day: “Disgruntled”)

The ELF elves leave FINALLY and the hunters are able to come out of the very disgruntled hobbit’s hole. Well, try to come out anyway. But getting in was always easier than getting out. Especially from a hole meant for someone a half their size.

“Oh ick ick ick.” Lizard shook a chair off her right arm and scraped eggs from her bum. “Need bath…”

The walk rather dejectly back to camp, arriving just in time to catch the Orcs rifling through their tents.

“Oh that’s just sick..” Tinuviel said in disgust, watching the pillaging.

”Uh-oh. You know, can't we ever get a break? If it's not rampaging ELF members, it's orcs.” Lizard sighed and drew her elf-whacking stick.

“Shall we go to battle?” Nimrodel asked.

“Hey!” Mariana looked around their group. “Where’s Tinuvie?”

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VSDPEF- tinuvie1
April 20

Oh gosh. WHAT is going on here? I just left for a day! *bangs head on tree* Where IS everyone? *looks around in forest and naturally gets cornered by elves*

Heard elf mutter "oh, no, not that weird science-maniac again"

Before ordering the other elves to capture me and take me to Rivendell. I then took out a bottle of petrol and told them that if I threw it at their hair, it would go all icky and gooey and smelly for days before they could get it off. Elf gasped" no...you wouldn't...cruel human" before realizing I WOULD, and ordered all the elves to drop their bows. Elves absolutely terrified. Go me!

Ok, so now what do I do? Neither me or the elves dare to move. Hope someone will come and take these soon, some are pretty cute. But for the moment, am still stuck with bottle of petrol hanging over their scared-for-his-hair leader's head. Can any elf-lovers help me? Please?

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As the Orcs busied themselves with the tents, the PEF’s looked in dismay around the camp. Mussed-up tents, clothes everywhere, makeup strewed about, and strawberry scented things dumped in the dirt. Undomiel noticed the sole broken off of the new pair of boots she had gotten when the elf-hunt started. Her face turned red in fury.

“Alright! This is it! First the raid on the Banana Republic, then getting thrown down a hole, losing Liz and Orli (but getting them back) and now this!” She drew her sword. “Ooh. Alright . . . which one of you mangy excuses for an Uruk-Hai wants to go first! I'm not kidding. This has gone far enough! GET AWAY FROM MY TENT! NOW!”

“Wow.” Lizard looked impressed. “Undomiel's lost it.”

Nim leaned over. “Did you see her boots?”

Undomiel was more quiet this time, but just as menacing. “And don't even think you're going to get away with my elf!…AHHHHH!” Okay, maybe not so quiet. She charged the first Orc to move.

Nimrodel whipped out her knives and stood in crouch position. “Good thing I know both kinds of Tae bo...”

“Oh wait for me!” Lizard ran bravely into the fray after Undomiel, appalled at the destruction to the Banana Republic. She lifted her elf-whacking stick, slammed it down onto the head of an Orc and… it broke.

“Drat…Orc heads are harder than elven noggins. I probably should've known that. Errr... Help?”

Legolas ran up, shooting the peevish Orc in the eye with his ever handy arrows. "Go me!" he grinned.

“Ok, need new weapon... New weapon...” Lizard was coming close to panicking. She picked up a busted bottle of strawberry bubblebath and squirted an Orc in the face.

”"NOOOOOOOO! I am no longer dripping a mucus-like substance! I SMELL PRETTY!" The Orc went down, writhing in agony.

Lizard pulled out two bottles of bubble bath, whirled them around her fingers Western-style, and got ready to rumble.

"Let's dance,” the Lizard growled.

“ELENDIL!” Mariana swung her sword and cut an Orc head off neatly. Boromir was a good teacher. Boromir… She stopped fighting and thought back about the good times with the steward, a silly grin on her face. She didn’t even notice the Orc come up behind her.

But Lizard did. Just as he lifted his hunter-whacker to take out the preoccupied Mariana, Liz pulled her bottles of bubblebath.

“This forest ain’t big enough for the both of us,” she growled. The Orc took one look at the Lizard with the bubblebath, shrieked, dropped his hunter-whacker, and fled.

“Hey, thanks Liz! I guess I was a little bit distracted!” Mariana grinned.

Kelsey picked up a bow from the ground and started firing like mad into the onslaught of Orcs. Then she dropped the bow and started squirting leftover shampoo. That got their attention better than the arrows.

“Cleaning detergent! Disgusting!” shouted a muddy, drooling Orc.

Nimrodel stopped her own fighting as she was suddenly overpowered with the scent of strawberry bath products. “Huh, looks like the PEFs have everything under control...”

The Orcs, now facing the prospect of being covered in strawberry scented bubblebath, ran as fast as they could into the forest. Unfortunately, they didn’t go alone.

“NOOOOOO! ORLI!” If anyone was going to notice the Orcs dragging a certain human off, it would be the Lizard. “Not after I worked so hard!”

She armed herself with bubblebath and a bad attitude and leapt onto the Orlinapping Orc’s back. Squirting him in the eye, she hosed him down with bubble bath and bit his ear Mike Tyson style. The PEFs, watching in horror, flinched and grimaced. With a show of super-Lizard strength, Lizard tossed Orlie into the high branches of a tree, figured he was used to the tree thing now, and then passed out from the hideous taste of Orc ear.

“Lizard!” Mariana cried. She took an empty bubblebath bottle, filled it with water, and threw it on Lizard’s face. “Here, take some lembas…” She turned to Kelsey, who unhappily inspected a small wound on her arm. “Athelas, here. Good as new now!”

“Aaah... Thanks, Mariana. You're such a good person to know... You help me when I'm confused or when I bite orcs...” Lizard tried to get rid of the nasty taste in her mouth.

“So now what?” Nimrodel asked. “We’re still missing Tinuvie. Our camp is destroyed. Again.”

”Ok, I SERIOUSLY am ready to help find Tinuvie, but I also SERIOUSLY need to buy some listerine strips. That orc taste will not go quietly into that lembas flavor. I think it's going to be around for a while... Ick.” Lizard gave a Calvin and Hobbes grimace.

“TINUVIE!” Kelsey shouted as the group returned to the woods. The hunters flinched.

“Don’t scream her name!” Mariana admonished. “The Orcs and Elves might still be around.” She sighed. “You don’t see anything with your super view, do you Leggykins?”

"Yeah, I do... about one mile from here, I can see a girl surrounded by elves, and it seems like she wants to throw something at them, and they seem to be terrified."

”Right, it must be her... can't you just shoot them?” Mariana asked.

"Course not, they're my kin!" Legolas looked indignant. (PEF word of the day other than “disgruntled.”

”Oh come on, just this time...” Mariana pleaded.

"No, it goes against my elven honor." The face he gave when he said that caused Mariana to scramble around in a mad attempt to find a drool cup.

“So now what?” Kelsey asked.

“Where’s Lizard?” Undomiel asked suddenly. Head counts were becoming a common thing among the hunters now.

“In that tree with Orli.” Tinuviel pointed.

“Lizard!” Nim tired to holler without being loud. It only half succeeded, but Lizard seemed to hear anyway. “Make sure you pull on Orli’s ears in case he’s an ELF in disguise!” Her only answer was a fit of giggling from the top of the tree.

“I still have some chloroform!” Mariana checked her supplies. “There are more of us than elves surrounding her. Each of us could sneak behind each of them and TAH DAH! The elves are ours!”

The other hunters seemed to agree with this, so the group quietly approached the ELF elves from behind, each armed with chloroform. Tinuvie, the resident chemist, lead the attack.

Very quietly, she mouthed to the others, “1, 2, 3 and NOW!”

Every elf hunter attacked their designed elf. Within seconds a pile of unconscious elves laid at their feet.

”We need to teach them... tae bo! All shall love us and despair!” Mariana announced with a happy grin.

“Tae bo?” Kelsey asked. Mariana nodded.

“The younger crowd can just brush their pretty hair and induct them into various interesting activities, like Tinuvie did with her lab assistant. He's
gotten to like mixing up chemicals quite a bit, I think.”

”Did you notice Haldir is here too?” Nimrodel asked.

“I'm gonna tie him up and make him watch all the Tae Bo, and won't let him participate. Can you think of a better punishment?” Mariana cackled evilly. She wandered among the captives, trying to decide between one of them or Legolas.

“YOU! Inside the tent... er, no tents anymore... YOU! Behind the bush, NOW!” She pointed to an awakening elf, having decided that Legolas could wait, and hung a big sign on a bush: “Do not disturb, please! Will be busy for quite some time!"

”As Sam would say . . .” Undomiel pretended to wield a frying pan. “I think we're getting the hang of this!"

”What are you guys doing?...Ooops! Nevermind...” Nim blushed and retreated quickly from her investigating behind a bush. “Hey, when'd we get
HIM?” The urge from marshmallow crème was suddenly overpowering. “Legolas!” She screamed, and then Nim too was behind a bush.

”Go us! Orc raids, waterfalls, hairdryers...today has been busy!” Tinuviel was happy and eyed the elves. “Ok time to lay down some rules.” She nailed a list to the tree.

”Those are the two most important. For more please consult the list. Have a nice day everyone." She dragged an elf behind a bush.

The elves looked at each other in confusion. "What's tie-bow?"

“Oh by the way, here are a few empty tents if anyone wants them.” Gottadance pulled the spare tents out of her purse. “I have just about everything in there, amazing what you find. Hey!” She yanked out 2 hobbits and looked at one of the new captives. “You elf, do you know how to dance? I am going to enjoy this…”

“Hey!” Undomiel had taken another head count. “What happened to Junipur?”

Lizard looked around. “What happened to Luitha and Tadan?”

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VSDPEF- Junipur
April 20

I am lost, I don’t know where I am, all the other elf hunters are gone, and I think I’m somewhere in the middle of a forest, between Rivendell and our camp.

So typical, I just can`t keep up "buuhuuuuuuu"

Am missing Legolas, and the other elf hunters, am totally lost, and is that an orc I see in the distance ?

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"Has anyone seen Elrond?" Tadan emerged from her tent and yawned, then noticed her Elf, soaking wet. "Um, I think I missed something. Why do we have about twenty more elves?"

Elrond looked around. "Apparently they had one of your fellow hunters surrounded, but she pulled out a bottle of something that would damage their hair and they froze. Of course, they are all Mirkwood Elves. No Rivendell Elf would do something like that."

Tadan wisely did not argue the statement, because she hoped for a 'talk' with him later that night.

"Oh, look! We got Haldir back!" She exclaimed, seeing the elf in question tied up with the rest.

The other hunters finally noticed her. “Tadan!” Lizard cried. “Where have you been!?”

“Sleeping!” Undomiel answered for her and grinned. “Must have had some tae bo last night.”

"Dang. I feel like I've really fallen behind. Okay, so where is Juniper?" Tadan looked rather confused, and she yawned again.The other Elf-hunters were so busy with Tae-bo that they didn’t even hear her. Elrond shrugged at her.

"Okay, Elrond. We're going to go find her."

"As long as this does not involve jumping in a river."

"Deal."

Luitha chose that moment to crawl out of her own tent. “Uh-oh. Tadan, I think you and I are going to have to go to the rescue again.” She looked at the rapidly disappearing hunters, off to do tae bo in the bushes. “Didn’t even miss us, huh?”

”That's fine with me, Luitha. We missed all the earlier action. Let's hunt some Elf!”

”Go Us!” Luitha chimed in. They each mounted their Asfaloths, and Elrond climbed on his own horse, deciding to come along.

“Get ready for another long ride! You mind terribly if Aragorn comes along? I figure we can use a Ranger on this trip.” Luitha motioned to show Aragorn trotting over on Roheryn.

“Your friend went that way.” He pointed. “Though her tracks are difficult to follow. Come with me!" He took off. Tadan shrugged.

”Although I have a feeling Aragorn and Elrond will be competing the whole time, that's alright. In my opinion, Aragorn isn't as hot as my Elf Lord, but he's still nice to look at.”
 
“Aragorn, you ninny,” Elrond called after the Ranger. “That's the trail he one called Lizard took last time. This is the one we want.” He motioned to a path of his own.

“Um, I knew that!” Aragorn returned, and Luitha and Tadan exchanged looks as the Elf and Man began a game of one-upmanship. They both pointed out the trail both of the males missed, which actually was the right one, and began their ride.

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“Umm… hello? What in the world are you all up to now?” Blenda walked into the clearing that was currently serving as Elf Hunter Central with a puzzled expression on her face.

Tin popped out from behind her bush. “BLENDA! Where have you been, girl?! I was just thinking about you today, too! Funny. Was starting to get worried! You have alot to catch up on, I'm afraid.”

Mariana plopped down on a log in exhaustion, but with a gleeful grin. “All right, so far I have taught everything about Tae Bo to 3 elves. They seem to be on our side now. I let them take a strawberry bubble bath for relaxation. Blenda! Welcome back!”

"This isn't fair,” Haldir glared at Mariana, who had him tied up to a chair, watching all the tae bo.

"Do you think it was fair what you did to us?" she asked him.

For an answer, he shouted out to his ex-friends, "Help me, you bunch of useless pointy-ears!"

The other elves just laughed at him.

Lizard popped in with Orlando, looking flushed. “Oh drat. Of course everyone gone. Why did I let you talk me into that bungee jumping stuff? Do you SEE what happened to my hair? And now all the other elf hunters are otherwise occupied.” She sighed and looked around the new camp. “Hmmm... Nim left a note. Says something about tugging Orli's ears. Come here, doll.” She pulled on his ear.

"OUCH!"

”Nope, this is the real one. I suppose I'll have to be on guard in case they DO try to pull a switch. Come on, cheekbones. Let's get physical. Let's see, here's a bush- Ooo!” Lizard dragged Orli in another direction.

“Sorry, already someone there... Is that an ELF logo on his shirt? And he's spying on the camp? Naw, I'm just tired, surely. Besides, my brains are so stirred around in my head from being bounced up and down on a stupid cord that I can't think straight and Cletus is stumbling around like a drunk in there.”

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Saffron wandered in and sat next Blenda. “I’m so very far behind with all of this.”
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com