CHAPTER 6: The Elf Liberation Front

Lizard emerged from her tent looking overly satisfied. “Aaah. I’m feeling great. Was all the... er... Tae Bo. If someone else wants a crack at Legolas, (Saffron, other latecomers?), I'm about done here... for now. Hey, where's Tinuvie?” Lizard wandered off into the forest (Note: This is the reason the Hunters came up with the Cardinal Rule of Do Not Go Off Alone.)

She walked through the forest singing to herself, “Da dee da... What a lovely day... Da dee da... Oh look!” Lizard rushed over to inspect a stain on the ground. Spilled chemicals. Signs of a struggle. And... she sniffed the air… strawberry bubble bath. Her Lizard Senses tingled.

“Uh-oh. I think Tinuvie got taken by elves!… What was that? Who's there? Uh-oh.” Lizard started to panic and tried to make a hasty reatreat to camp. She nearly made it. Nearly.

Just outside of camp, an arrow plunked into a tree about an inch from her face. She carefully avoided soiling herself as it quivered against her nose and pulled off a note that was attached.

"Drat. All in elvish. My elvish is rusty. See, my prof was a real elf, so I spent most of class drooling. All I can make out is the signature.... The Elf Liberation Front? Uh-oh...”

Undomiel walked out of her tent and stretched, then realized that Lizard was trying very hard not to panic. Desperately wishing to avoid a panicky Lizard, Undomiel took the note from her.

To the women of the elf-hunt,

You have taken a few of our company in your custody that we wish returned to us immediately. We have taken one of your company with us to Rivendell for questioning. We expect her to give up the formula for the chloroform sleeping solution that she used to capture our men the previous eve.

If you would like her returned, simply return your captives to Rivendell, and all will be well.

If not, we shall see what happens.

The Elf Liberation Front.

“Ummm . . . girls? What do we do?”

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VSDPEF-Tinuviel80
Day 4

Feeling very refreshed from all that...uh...yoga. Most still asleep. Lizard comes running into camp screaming something about an ELF, but I don't think she means it in the traditional sense for some reason.

ELF LIBERATION FRONT?! Forsee dark times ahead...very dark indeed.

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Lizard scratched her head. “Good question. Errr... I think we need more of the elf hunters to pry themselves from their tents to help us figure this one out. This looks like just the beginning of the problem. I certainly don't think they'll stop with Tinuvie. And yet, how on earth does one give up Legolas?... Ahem. Or any of the others. “ She added quickly at the looks Undomiel and Tinuviel gave her. “For the mean time, I think we all ought to stick together. It's when somebody goes off alone that someone is likely to disappear.”

Undomiel rolled her eyes at that last statement. "Lizard telling us not to go off alone."

Mariana staggered out of her tent with puffy eyes and a lack of sleep (not the only one) to find chaos about to ensue. “Looks like we are tasting our own medicine,” she said after having been briefed on the situation. “Why, oh why did it have happen now when we were going to exchange the elves - in my case I was going to exchange Boromir for one elf! What do we do now?”

“Look!” Lizard tugged on Undomiel’s arm and pointed in excitement at the ground. “Clever girl, Tinuvie! There's a trail of burnt grass where her chemicals splashed. Come on! I'm gonna muster up some ring wraiths to guard the elves at camp and we're going Tinuvie hunting!”

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Tinuvie studied her dark cell and wondered if she could make some chemical solution to melt the lock. The elves had spent all day asking about what chemicals were needed to make chloroform and were now off on a wild goose chase for “richhtlyiorycoline.” Tinuvie snickered to herself. Richhtlyiorycoline indeed.

She prodded around her cell some more and only managed to discover that there was a REALLY cute guard standing watch outside. It was getting rather hard to concentrate. Unscientific thoughts were coming to her mind. She pounded her head against the wall to stop them.

VSDPEF- tinuvie1
Uhh… day?

I wonder what the other elf hunters are doing. Elf told me they intended to kidnap some elf-hunters until they gave up prisoner elves. Still do not really understand, but know enough to realize that hunters are NOT going to release prisoner elves, so might as well make this cell comfy, and think of a way out.

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Meanwhile, Lizard pelted through the forest, following the trail of blackened grass, feeling rather guilty at getting distracted by pictures of Legolas/Orlando and leaving Tinuvie in distress.

“I'm coming, Tinuvie!!! Oops. I think I went off by myself. That could be stupid. Oh well…” She kept running. (Elsewhere, Undomiel smacked her forehead and groaned.)

Mariana ran after her. “Lizard!! If you go there you won't be able to help her! They will get you too!!! Not that it's bad... actually, it's not that bad! I'm coming too! You have my sword!”

“And my bow!” Tinuviel hollered and chased Mariana to find Lizard, who was finding Tinuvie.
 
Elfcat looked up as the duo chasing the Lizard passed by.  “What the heck. Looks like fun.” She shrugged and raced after them, frantically shoving extra arrows into her quiver and trying not to trip.

Nimrodel wandered out of her tent after an extremely satisfying evening, morning, and afternoon.

“Hello everybody! Ummm.... Hello? What's this? Oh for....” She sighed. “I’m coming…”

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"Tinuvie?" Lizard whispered. She was now on the outskirts of Rivendell. "Can you hear me? Are you in there?" Lizard stopped. Perhaps it was not a good idea to just walk around calling Tinuvie’s name until Tinuvie heard it. Elf hearing was a little better than Lizard hearing.

Lizard walked as quietly as possible through bushes, circling the building, and accidentally stepped on chipmunk. Both she and the chipmunk squeaked and the thing chomped hard on her big toe. Lizard slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from emitting a louder squeak and continued edging around the dwelling.

Ok, brilliant plan, she thought. Where are you brilliant plan? Any minute now…

A tiny voice in her head responded, "Sit down, shut up, and wait for back up."

Lizard rolled her eyes. "Listen, common sense, I thought I blocked you out a LOOOOOOOOOONG time ago. Get lost." A small, Jimminey Cricket-like insect jumped out of her left ear and hopped off, looking indignant. Lizard shook her head. Apparently that head injury was affecting her in odd ways.

She was approaching the entrance. Elves chatted by the door, and Lizard realized with the beginnings of panic that she hadn’t brought a drool cup with her.

"Oh, that is SO your color. My stars! It brings out the periwinkle blue of your eyes. Wherever did you get it?"

The other elf flashed a toothpaste commercial smile. "Why, at the Banana Republic that human set up. I just helped myself. Isn't it gorgeous? Check out this craftsmanship. Feel that? You don't get quality like THAT at the GAP."

Lizard began gnashing her teeth. “Stupid elven thief. No wonder I ran out of every single item in tiger lily red,” she muttered angrily as her fists clenched.

"Oh no, no. The GAP is sooooo five minutes ago. I got my forester's costume ordered from Donatella Versace's new outdoorsy-line. Isn't this fabulous? Look at how well it defines my butt. You know, Glorfindel told me it was my best feature." The elf giggled and then frowned. "Of course, Legolas took one look at my outfit a week ago and said, 'Whatever, I'm still the prettiest.' Do you believe it? The nerve of some elves, especially those Mirkwood ones, I swear…"

Lizard closed her eyes and  prepared  to sneak up and hit the shop-lifting elf with elf-whacker. Unfortunately, when she opened her eyes again, they focused on an arrow pointed between them and only a few inches away. Another elf snuck up from the side and sneered, "I heard your teeth grinding from the BASEMENT, stupid human."

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
Day 4

Am beginning to regret decision to set off after Lizard with a man-lover and a pixie. Sorrowfully starting to miss fellow elf cravers. Elfcat tripped, and Mariana and I laughed for a while. Starting to wonder what is going to happen once we get to Rivendell. Am sure that Lizard now in Rivendell’s' "basement suite" after having run ahead.

Starting to think am not cut out for this whole tracking deal. What we really need is a ranger...Mariana keeps saying how Aragorn can tell a bent blade of grass...blah blah blah...kinda stopped listening for a while.

Still on trail...

All we have come across is a disgruntled cricket. Not sure what to make of it.

Still on trail...

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Who cares what day it is.

Back at my end of things....

*Sigh* I need to rehire that cricket. I'm ogling the elf taking me captive as he pushs me into the dwelling and leads me down to the cells below. His hair is so shiny. What does he use, it's fabulous! But I've decided not to ask because under the circumstances, I don't feel like talking to him right now.

More fool all of them if they think they'll get all their elves back. I'm quite sure Legolas won't want to leave, between Nimrodel and I. We sure showed that fellow that humans know how to have fun. And Elrond is at Disney with Tadan right now. Probably is wearing Mickey ears and giggling at the giant dog dancing and signing autographs for awestruck children. I hope people don't mistake him for part of the show.

Well, here's Tinuvie. Hullo, Tinuvie. How is every little thing?

CLANK. The cell is all shut tight now. *sigh* Stupid, stupid me. I'm going to rattle my dainty teacup (given by the elves- they would never be so barbaric as to deny their prisoners afternoon tea) against the bar and launch into a stirring, soulful rendition of "Nobody knows the suffering I feel..."

Am hoping help will come soon.

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VSDPEF- tinuvie1
Day?

*sigh* The elves got Lizard, too. Also asked me if I was SURE that "richhtlyiorycoline" existed. Answered yes, but only available in Antarctica. Company of elves just left for Antarctica. Am afraid they might realize I sent them on a wild goose chase.

Told Lizard we might be able to escape by using my meager supply of chloroform if the elf-hunters caused a diversion. Explained chloroform and a few other chemicals in detail, until I realized that Lizard was sleeping peacefully, bored by my talk on chemistry and physics. Is it that boring?

Thinking of an excuse if elves find out that "richhtlyiorycoline" doesn't exist. Am thinking of telling them they wrote it down wrong and the chemical needed is "chlorine", but hope to be at least 500 km away when that happens to avoid strangulation by furious elves.

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Tinuviel sighed. “Elbereth, this road goes ever on and on... Hey, Elfcat?” She looked around and suddenly realized she was alone. “Mariana? Uh oh. Being around the elves so much must have given me a bit of their super-speed.” She was at Rivendell now, debating whether to wait for others. A very disgruntled cricket stood at her feet. She looked down at it and told it, "Keep walkin, bud." Looking disappointed, the cricket moved on.

Shrugging and deciding to grin and bare it, Tinuviel walked around a corner and in on some kind of party. It seemed like they were holding some sort of council. She spotted one elf wearing her outfit. Her eye began twitching. She was still stuck in the frumpy purple dress.

"Welcome remaining elves!" the head elf spoke. "As you know you have all been summoned to this council to decide the fate of our captured companions and kin. As members of ELF, no pun intended,” the elf laughed heartily, “we must take action against the recent attacks on our society. We must put a stop to these foolish mortals and their diabolical schemes!!"

An elf tapped Tinuviel on the shoulder. "Can I help you miss?"

Oh crap. Busted. Tinuviel groaned. Why is that cricket laughing at me?

"Your hair's very shiny!" She said in awe as she turned to face her captor.

"Your cheek matches your dress,” The elf responded.

"Why you..." Tinuviel broke off and slumped over. It looked like they had some of Tinuvie’s cholorform...

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Meanwhile, Elfcat walked along with Mariana when she heard something in the bushes. She aimed her bow, not even sure she could hit an elephant at 12 meters, and a rumpled elf stumbled out to land at her feet. They stared at each other in confusion for a few moments before Elfcat screamed “hands up!” and tightened her grip on her bow. The elf laughed and gave her a strange look. When Elfcat blinked, he was gone. “Into the wild we go!” Elfcat cried and leaped off after him.

“Hmmmm. We seem to be approaching Rivendell. Hey, Elfcat, look!!” Mariana looked around. “Elfcat... Elfcat??? Where are you??? Oh no, how did they get her and I didn't see...”

She thought about sitting on the floor to try to come up with a solution, but didn't have the time. Before she could think about running, someone came from behind and... well, the elves have defiantly got chloroform now.

“Zzzzz... oh, what happened? Oh, I see. Hi Tinuvie. Hi Lizard. Hi Tinuviel. Hi Elfcat.”
 

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VSDPEF- tinuvie1
Given up on day

*Is STILL in dark now crowded cell*
How many elf-hunters will the elves capture before they run out of chloroform? I think they only have one bottle. That's still enough to capture all the elf-hunters. Why do they want more chloroform if they have enough for the elf-hunters? Hmmmm....

*sigh* Bored. Tried to give a talk about astrophysics, but the other prisoners told me to shut up simultaneously. Nobody likes physics.
I hope the others don't tell the elves how to make chloroform. I'm afraid to even THINK about what the elves would do to me if they found out that they don't need the non-existent richhtlyiorycoline. And not to mention what they'd do with the chloroform.

We need to warn the others and get out of here. Anyone have a plan?

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Undomiel wandered back into camp after leaving for a few minutes to ponder the note. Everyone was gone. She sighed, hoped they had buddied off, and went off after them, following the trail of burnt up grass and wondering if she should go for reinforcements.

She was running through the woods when she heard something happening a little ways ahead and snuck up just in time to see Elfcat caught.

She suspected that they had Mariana as well, as the two of them were together, judging by the prints. (One doesn’t have a Ranger for a boyfriend without learning something about tracking. It’s all they talk about, after all.)

What to do? Think, think, think. Well . . . OF COURSE! Steward Boromir was supposed to be our guard. And I'm sure I could get those hobbits involved on our side.

I just hope I get to them before any of the E.L.F. get to me.

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Um…day?

*sigh* Am sitting in cell with other unfortunate elf-hunters. Tinuvie is very distressed. Something about possible beating from mad elves on the way. Am doubting it. They would probably just make her wear plaids and crimp her hair unfashionably on the first offense. It's barbaric, but it's the prison system. I am behaving myself, because I think I would rather take a beating or two than wear plaid. I look AWFUL in plaid.

I'm trying to come up with an escape plan. Am checking pockets. Hmmm... I have some nail polish they didn't confiscate. Is that helpful? Maybe I can use it to attack the guard- Er, probably not. What else is in here? Hmmm... Walkie-talkie... Naw, that's just junk, it's not even a pretty color... WAIT! I know! I'll use the nail polish to PAINT the walkie-talkie and then I'll throw it at the guard... Naw. That wouldn't work. And it'd be messy. Oh well.

I can't help but feel like some easy solution is eluding me... I'm gonna shove the walkie-talkie and the nail polish under the straw on the floor. I don't want it in my pockets, it BULGES funny.

*sigh*

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VSDPEF- Saffron Piskie
April 14

Am still wandering around forest lost and have started muttering Limericks to myself. Have seen no one in days now. Don't even know if elf-hunt is still on the go. Have heard rumour that Elves have cups of tea ..... Mmmmm cups of tea (drool)! Beginning to see giant spiders dressed in pink satin night dresses everywhere, and why do I keep falling asleep? Air smells strange round here, very chemically.

Ran into friendly Mounty again, he told me he thought he saw fellow Elf-Hunters being lured away by Elves .... hmmm, some Elf-Hunters get all the luck. He also saw group of Elves setting off on an expedition, all dressed in furs and snow shoes, wonder what that means.

Must follow clues to find other Elf-Hunters .... looks like the trail leads ......... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
April 14?

When came to, found myself in crowded cell with other elf-hunters who didn't listen to the cricket. Mariana is still asleep, so me and Lizard drew on her face with nail polish. Kept us entertained for a while. Saffron just moans about elves not serving tea.

Am thinking of getting in trouble purposely, as I hear they make you wear plaid. Plaid! Plaid would be a blessing as long as I could get out of this purple thing. Tinuvie seems worried that were going to give away the formula for chloroform. Wouldn't know the first thing about mixing chloroform, and still would never talk as that chloroform would just be used on those trying to rescue us! Speaking of them, I hope they have the sense to stick together. *sits on haystack* Hey what's this? A walkie-talkie?! Maybe if we paint it and then throw... never mind... I’ll just tuck it back into haystack.

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VSDPMF- El luitha uren
April 14

Had v. nice weekend. Spent the entire time in tent with my newly acquired manly-man. Go me! Figure it's about time to see the sunlight again, walk out of tent, and...

uh-oh...

Uh, hello? Anyone? Did I miss something?

Ranger is still out like a light on bed, figure I'd better let him sleep and set off by myself. Spot blackened grass like a trail heading away from camp. What the....?

Is that Undomiel ahead? *gallop towards her on Asfaloth*

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“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SPIDER!!!!!!!”

Elves popped out of the bushes from every direction and pointed their arrows at the source of the scream.

“Wow, heh, you guys don’t take long huh?” Gottadance510 quickly discovered her plot to sneak into Rivendell was rapidly going downhill due to the nearby insect life. She threw her hands up and squeezed her eyes shut.

“I’m not an Elf Hunter!” she insisted with a squeak, “I swear it!”

Then she opened her eyes to see a dozen very yummy elves surrounding her. Very, very yummy indeed. She opened her mouth, but just to gawk at them silently.

“Is richhtlyiorycoline in chloroform?” One stepped forward to demand. She continued to gawk. Of course it wasn’t, but she couldn’t quite get the words out to tell him that. How could he think it was? Stupid elf. Of course, having the elf standing a few feet in front of her was making her weak in the knees. She decided to gawk a bit more and let the elf continue to interrogate her.

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Undomiel froze as she heard the sound of horse hooves on the trail behind her. She ducked behind a hedge and peeked out warily.

“El Luitha?” It was. She jumped out with relief and greeted the PMF with, “Ai na vedui, El Luitha . . . mae govannen! Now what in the world are we going to do? All the other elf-hunters are captured somewhere. I have a feeling this could be trouble. No one can seem to go by Rivendell without getting caught.”

“Well, I think with the appropriate costuming help, we can pass you off as a full-fledged elf,” Luitha answered with a grin. “Lucky thing I'm such a movie fanatic that I stole some elf ears and elven cloaks from the set when I visited... Having an elven horse doesn't hurt either. We can walk right into Rivendell! Wanna ride?”

Undomiel grinned and braided hair, putting on the elf ears and cloak.

“O.K. I think I'm ready. We can do this. Once we get there, we just snoop around a bit, and find out where they have everyone else. Ready?”

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VSDPEF- tinuvie1
Still in cell

Oh,my gosh. Someone told the elves that "richhtlyiorycoline isn't in chloroform" and they got pretty mad at me (were perhaps about to make me wear plaid- aaaag that's worse than I thought) before I told them that it was necessary to "sanitorize" the chemicals before making chloroform and that the richhtlyiorycoline was used for THAT. Elf believed me. Am glad that no elf appears to have knowledge of chemistry, except those coming back from antarctica and who know that richhtlyiorycoline doesn't exist. They should be back soon. Plan on putting the blame on Lizard, as cannot bear to be the only one in plaid

Elf-hunters put nail varnish on MarinaMellon's face while she slept. Feel guilty and partly responsible, as she fell asleep because of my talk on quantum physics.

*sigh* maybe we should try to bore the elves to death by talking about physics?

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Still in cell

Am still in elf prison. Not doing much of anything, although Tinuviel and I had fun painting the sleeping Mariana some interesting colors. Now she's aaaaaallll pretty. Heh heh. Hope she doesn't beat us up when she wakes.

Am shifting to new place in straw pile. Is SO uncomfortable and undignified. I haven't placed THIS backside on anything but nicely upholstered recliners in YEARS. And they have the nerve to plop me in straw. And- OUCH! Stupid walkie-talkie. I sat on it. I heard it crackling and someone saying, "Undomiel, I'm coming!" There was the galloping of hooves and then I pried it up from under me. Dumb thing. It's a safety hazard, is what it is. Hmph. Threw it across cell.

OOPS! Sorry Tinuviel! Didn't mean to whack you with it! Man, you are just always in the wrong place when I'm being clumsy. Here, here's an ice pack. Er, don't ask me where I just got that from... Oh, yes. The elves left us a little cooler filled with beverages. I suppose they're trying to keep this scenario from seeming too barbaric. Oooh! There are wine coolers in here. Hey, what can I say? When the going gets tough, the tough get drunk!
WOOHOO!
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com