CHAPTER 7: Undomiel, Naught but a Nillyhammer
 
 

Lizard sat in the cell, tossing back wine coolers. “Have one, Tinuviel! They make imprisonment FUN.” She hiccupped. “Ooooh, looksh. Ish little cricket... Cletus the Common Sense Cricket. Whatsh up, Cletush?”

The cricket became indignant and started tapping his little cricket foot. Lizard giggled. “So cute. Reminds me of shlightly shorter vershion of Frodo.” She giggled again, but hiccupped halfway through the giggle. She covered her mouth with her hand and started giggling all over again. “Whatsh up, cricket? How many times do I gotta ask...?”

"Listen, nobody has picked up on the 'look, stupid girl had a walkie-talke the whole time’ gag yet, and I'm getting tired of it!" Cletus was yelling.

“Don't like people who yell.” Lizard picked up Cletus and started painting him harlot red with nail polish.

"Ack! Ack! Help!"

“You need to relash.” After the cricket dried, Lizard dumped some wine cooler on him.

He started hiccupping, singing, "If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain... If you're not into health food..."

Lizard started playing with the walkie-talkie, wondering why it was so important. She pressed the button. "Hello? (hiccup) Is anyone there? We have booze. Repeat: we have booze.” She giggled.

Meanwhile Undomiel and Luitha galloped toward Rivendell. Help was on the way!

“Hey, what's that noise?” Luitha turned around to look at Undomiel, riding behind her on Glorfindel's horse. “Sounds like static. Undomiel- is that a walkie talkie under your cloak?”

Undomiel smacked her head. “Of course! I had turned it down so I wouldn't get caught! I'm naught but a ninnyhammer” She reached under her cloak and turned the volume up. “Tinuviel, Lizard, Elfcat, anyone! Come in.”  Garbled voices came through.

“That sounds like Lizard!” Luitha exclaimed. “A very drunk Lizard.”

In the cell, Lizard shook the walkie-talkie. “Ish making noises?”

"Lizard? It’s Undomiel. Where are you?" A very confused, very staticy voice came out of the walkie-talkie.

Lizard handed the walkie-talkie to the cricket. "I'm- *hic!*- the Common Sense Cricket. I was s'posed to get imbecile to warn you of potential trap but- *hic*- am now drunk. *Hiccup!* Excusesh me."

The cricket passed out. It looked like fun and the Lizard followed suit moments later.

Elfcat made a frantic grab for the walkie-talkie. She’d had sparkling cider, the elves had kindly included beverages for the underage hunters. She was the only sober one in the cell.

"Hello? Can you hear me? Undomiel! you there? I’m here! It's Elfcat! Did you know your name is very similar to 'undome' which is a faerie like creature?”

Tinuviel snatched the walkie-talkie from Elfcat "Hey there Domie!*hiccup* Hows you guyses doin this afternoon?"

"Tinuviel, where ARE you?" Undomiel and Luitha stopped as they focused on the walkie-talkie in Undomiel's hands.

"Where am I? Where ish anyone in this crazy univershe of ours? Now THAT'SH a question..." Tinuviel clicked off the walkie-talkie and pondered the question.

"Hey Cletus! What'sup my man?" The indignant cricket refused to talk to her. "Fine then, be that way! At least I'm not fushia! Hah!” Tinuviel retuned to pondering.

Elfcat pounced on her and the two wrestled for the walkie-talkie, Elfcat to save their butts, Tinuviel because she was bored and drunk and Elfcat wanted it.

In the forest, Luitha turned around to Undomiel again. “What happened?”

Undomiel shook the walkie-talkie and held it to her ear. “Don’t know. I think they turned it off?”

“Did you check the batteries?” Luitha asked. Undomiel turned the volume up and held it to her ear again. Luitha leaned over to put her ear to it as well.

There was a loud click and a voice screamed, “HELP!”

“AHHHHHHH!!!!” Luitha and Undomiel leaped straight up off their horses' backs just as the horses spooked and ran forward aways. They landed with identical thumps on the hard ground.

Elfcat seemed to have won the wrestling match with Tinuviel. “I think we're somewhere in Rivendell. The elves blindfolded me with a plaid blindfold…” she rambled on as her rescuers picked themselves up and mounted their horses once more. “I also think we're in deep trouble…” Her voice cut off suddenly.

“Elfcat! Tinuviel! Hello!?” Undomiel held the walkie-talkie next to her mouth and practically screamed into it. “Elfcat, if you can hear me, keep the others away from the "wine coolers" for Elbereth's sake. I suspect that they're actually Miruvoir, and we need you girls to be sober if we're going to break you out. Sit tight. We're on our way.”

“Right. I’m back. Tinuviel GET OFF!” Elfcat crawled over to the coolers, opened every bottle and emptied it next to sleeping elf guards. “Miruvoir all gone!”

“Greeeeeat...” Luitha was feeling optimistic. “It seems Elfcat is the only functional one right now. Tell her to keep a good grip on that walkie-talkie. We'll be there soon!” She leaned forward and yelled to Asafaloth, “Noro lim! Noro lim, Asfaloth!”

“Hey wait!” Elfcat sounded panicked. “Make sure Undomiel can keep up!”

“Don’t worry Elfcat,” Undomiel assured her. “I was riding with Luitha until a little while ago. I’m on Glorfidel’s Asfaloth now, he and I get along well. I’m going to send him back soon though, so as not to look suspicious riding in on one of the missing elf’s horses.”

“What.. but… I thought El Luitha was on Asfaloth!”

Luitha’s voice sounded distant compared to Undomiel as she yelled into Undomiel’s walkie-talkie while the two Asfaloths galloped side by side.

“Uh...  that's my Asfaloth. It can get confusing... Hey! Are those three stone trolls over there? they look kinda familiar...”

“So you're both on different Asfaloths. I think I get it now…” Elfcat rolled her eyes.

“Zzzzz... HEY!!! Who did this to my face?” Mariana woke up with a start and saw her reflection in the pool of Miruvoir on the floor. “Oh no, the cute elves cannot see me like this... you girls just can't stand competition, can you?”

Lizard yawned. “Huh, what? Oh. I'm in an elven jail cell, that's right. Hullo, all. Oops. Er, sorry about your cheek Mariana.” She handed over nail polish remover.

Lizard stretched and scratched her side with another yawn, looking at the unconscious hunters passed out on the floor around her. “Good thing I ALWAYS carry a strong instant cappuccino wherever I go.” She heated some water with Tinuvie’s bunson burner and dumped in the instant cappuccino and began shaking the others.

“Here, sober up, ya bunch of drunks.” She snorted. “Geesh, what a bunch of los… Oh, wait, I think I started this. Oops. My bad. Have some, Cletus.” She felt rather bad about getting the little guy drunk. Seemed inappropriate, under the circumstances.

“All right, Elfcat, what's the plan? We gotta bust outta here because if anybody pukes, I don't want to be in a cell the size of someone's closet. 'sides, I heard it through my lizard telepathy that somebody's makin' time with Legolas! Not that I mind sharing, but I want to get back and restake my claim just as soon as she's had her fill, if you know what I mean.”

(Meanwhile Junipur woke up, realized everyone was gone and Legolas was alone, and ran into his tent gleefully.)

“Hmmm... Nail polish, finger nail polish remover... I wonder if I have anything else in my pockets of use.” Lizard starts her usual rambling. “Stranger things have happened and these cargo pants I picked up at my Banana Republic have the BIGGEST pockets. (And they make my butt look nice.)”

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VSDPEF- Nimrodel
Forget the day, on the trail…

Left Junipur to "babysit" Legolas. Borrowed Arod and took off after Luitha and Undomiel towards Rivendell. They seem to be communicating with someone. Heard something about wine coolers...maybe- a surprise party? Clever elf hunters, had me fooled...Stop to check hair and outfit and almost trod on very pissed of cricket wearing red nail polish...

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“Hey hey look! A hobbit in one of the pockets of my cargo pants! Who would've thunk? I thought it was hard to walk in these, but I just kept telling myself, ‘suffer for fashion, Lizard, suffer for fashion. It's worth it.’ Err... So now we have a hobbit. Is he of any use? Could he squeeze through the bars and run for help?”

"No," replied the hobbit. "That would hurt!"

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Lizard asked him.

"Duh. How many times have you seen the movie now and you don't recognize Pippin when you see him? I mean, sheesh."

“Oh lovely. So we've got a whole mess of elf hunters, a painted cricket (hey, where'd he go?!?!?), and an uppity hobbit. He was so much more fun in the movie.”

"I heard that!" Pippin exclaimed.

Lizard made a nasty face and continued rummaging in her pockets.

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Tadan skipped back to camp, with a very happy Elrond in tow.

"Hey, I’m back! Had a blast at Disney! I… hey, where is everybody?" She frowned and began searching all of the tents, (“Hey!” Junipur exclaimed. “I’ve got Legolas now!” Tadan blushed and backed out) only to find a few sleeping Elves, and a note.

“Hey, Elrond, I'm afraid I can't read Sindarin. Can you help?"

"Only if you promise to take me back to the Haunted Mansion."

"Okay, here."

"Basically, the rest of your group in imprisoned in Rivendell and will stay there until you return the um, 'captive' Elves."

"But the Elves are all sleeping in the tents!"

"Obviously the others don't know that."

"Great. Okay, are you up for a rescue?"

"Can I wear your Mickey Ears?"

"As long as we can ride your horse!"

Both mounted onto Elrond's swift horse, and rode hard toward Rivendell.

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“Luitha, someone’s coming!” Luitha and Undomiel urged their horses off the trail and into the brush just as the Ford came into sight. Luitha readied her lasso and waited quietly for the traveler behind them to appear. As the person ran down the path, she swung her rope and neatly lassoed the person, who fell with a heavy thud.

“HEY!” Nimrodel was not impressed with Luitha’s lassoing skills.

“Nim?” Luitha and Undomiel rushed out of the brush and untied their fellow hunter’s feet.

VSDPEF- Nimrodel
At the Ford

Caught up with Luitha and Undomiel at the Ford. Shoot. No party. Note to self: Make sure to ‘accidentally’ give Luitha a good shot to the head someday. Lasso indeed. Humph.

So who do we have in jail? A chemist who forgot to wear her protective goggles, an underage pixie who just dumped all the wine coolers (dang! kids nowadays...), Tinuviel who I thought had more sense, and Lizard who I know doesn't have more sense (I love you, Lizard! ) Oh, and... Pippin??

“I don't suppose you’d would go for the old "seduce the beautiful elf guards" thing, Luitha...? No?” Nimrodel sighed. “OK, then, maybe Pippin can take them out with some apples?”

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“Wow. This is the best cup of coffee I've ever had!” Tinuviel grew excited after the first initial sip and put the cup to her lips to gulp the rest of it when it was knocked out of her hand. “You little rat! You just knocked...what the... Uh, Lizard? Why do we have Pippin in our cell?”

"Because this nut case shoved me in her pocket!" squealed Pip.

“Mariana? Do you mind if I finish the happy face on your left cheek? No reason to be unsymmetrical.” Mariana gave Tinuviel a dirty look.

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“Hey Luitha! Undomiel! Nimrodel!” The waters of the Ford roared in the background, and the three hunters turned defensively until they saw Tadan and Elrond riding up.

“Here..” Luitha handed Nimrodel  elf ears and a cloak. “We're in disguise... Now we can walk right into Rivendell! I'll provide a distraction if you need me too- but no seducing!”
 
“Elrond says that I can't seduce either,” Tadan informed the group. “Not that I mind anymore.” She looked over at Elrond with an evil grin, looked back at the group, and did a double take at Elrond. “Elrond, take off the Mickey Ears, we're trying to sneak into Rivendell!"

“This is never going to work,” Nim looked skeptical. “There are NO 5'3" elves... Except for Santa's workshop, that is.”

“Okay, scratch that idea," Luitha said. "Well maybe Nimrodel can provide the distraction and Tadan, Undomiel, and I can sneak in? With Elrond it should be easier. Tadan and I are elvish anyway, so…”

“Nim could be a dwarf?” Undomiel suggested sweetly. Nim swatted her over the head. Elrond looked horrified at the idea.

Tinuviel’s voice crackled over the walkie-talkie. “We've already tried every kind of bribery that we have to offer. We think they must have ear plugs, that MUST be it.  Nimrodel, it's Lizard's influence I tell you! Not my fault! Are you guys coming soon?”

“Ooh, how about Nimrodel runs into Rivendell from another direction, shooting my chloroform gun!” Tadan planned out. “Then the Elves would run over to where she is, and we can sneak in from the entrance over there!” She pointed. “Then Nimrodel jumps on Luitha's Asfaloth and rides away as fast as she can, drawing the main force of the Elves after her. We go in and free the prisoners, and if anyone asks any questions, Elrond can put them in their places!”

“That could work! Why doesn't Undomiel wait here with the rest of the horses, the rest of us go get in place... Here Nimrodel, take my lembas launcher in case you need it.” Luitha reluctantly handed her launcher over with sad eyes.

“Distraction, right...” Nimrodel jumped in front of guards with fingers in her ears and sticking out her tongue “Hey guys, Legolas is still the prettiest!! Nyah, nyah, nyah!… Oh sh**!” Nim ran as fast as possible, noticing a cricket wearing nail polish rolling on ground and laughing hysterically.

“Charge!!!!!” Tadan called as she, Luitha, and Elrond high-tailed it into Rivendell. “Let's rescue the prisoners!” The three rescuers ran through the maze of Rivendell and down into the basement.

“Cripes! Where are they?” Luitha looked at the different doors in the hallway. “Hey, is that Tinuviel on the floor?” Elrond gathered up Tinuviel and they run down the hall.

”Let's try the grey metal door!” Tadan told her.

Luitha opened the door and looked in. Arwen came tearing out screaming "WHERE IS HE? YOU THIEF!! YOU DIRTY TH...!" Luitha slammed the door shut and turned with her back against it. “Wrong one. “

Tinuviel woke up, peered over Luitha’s shoulder, saw the horrifying Arwen, shrieked, and fainted again.

Tadan charged toward a blue door. Inside she only found a few unconscious Elves with the faint scent of chloroform lingering the air.

"Darn! Not that one either. Hey, what is that cricket doing? Is he laughing?"

(“Yikes!” Nimrodel looked fearfully behind her. “The main force of the elves is after me!…Wait a minute...” A sly little smile appeared on her face. “The main force of the elves is after ME! GO ME!”)

Luitha slammed open another door only to face a bunch of grisly wolves and goblins.

"What are they KEEPING here!?" She slammed it shut again with a pale face and wolves snapping at her heels. "Nimrodel- stop having so much fun!"
 

Tadan opened another grey door and discovered where elves go to take showers.

"ARRRGGHHHHH! I didn't need to see that!" She slammed the door and ran to the next, failing to notice Elrond bent over laughing as he tried to point to the right door.

Tinuviel tiptoed over and quietly opened Tadan’s last door, drool dribbling down her chin.

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VSDPEF- Lizard219
Still in cell

Am sitting in prison. Was informed by cricket (through the bars) that Nimrodel has noticed I have no sense. Well, of course, I fired my common sense. I have no need for such a thing!

Am hearing a disturbance outside. Someone is saying, "Run, guys, now!" Err... don't you think if we could do that, we would have by now? SOMEBODY OPEN THE DOOR.

Hey... there's some lembas in my pocket. Where did that come from? Pippin snatched it away. Stupid hobbit.

Wait a second... I think these pants are out of style.

Lizard threw herself against the bars. “HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!! I need new pants! I'm five minutes ago already!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Liiiiiiizaaaaard!” Luitha called. “Where ARE you!?”

Tadan finally noticed Elrond's pointing.

"Thanks, but stop laughing! Stop! Elrond, it isn't...oh, never mind." She ran to right door, wrenched it open, and ran inside, only to run back out, followed by three Elven guards.

"Quick, Luitha, the Lembas Launcher!"

Luitha tossed Tadan’s Launcher to her and turned to Elrond. "Are you TRYING to kill us?"

“The door is open! The door is open!” Lizard cried. “WE- ARE- LIBERATED.”

“No, I am not trying to kill you,” Elrond responded, slightly affronted. “The sight of all of you running around like chickens with their heads cut off was hilarious! I could barely breathe! Tadan, turn the launcher around before you shoot yourself... drat. She shot herself. Excuse me, I must help her, and stop the guards.” Elrond ran to the side of the now unconscious Tadan.

“Come on Tinuviel, get a move on it!” Lizard prodded. Elrond had abandoned Tinuviel, who had dropped to the ground and just woken up.

“I'm goin, I'm goin. Just when I was getting comfy...” Tinuviel uncurled from her spot on the floor.
 
Luitha ran into the cell and grabbed Elfcat as Lizard dragged the two Tin’s to the door.

Lizard studied her surroundings. “Wait a cotton-pickin' second. If Elrond is what they wanted in the first place, why doesn't Elrond step up and say, ‘Hi, guys, here I am. Try not to dent my girlfriend, ok? I'm fine, now chill out!’? YOU DA MAN, ELROND! SPEAK UP!”

Elrond looked at her from her spot by Tadan. Lizard dumped the chemist by him. “Fine, make the Elf carry two!” he grumbled. “Okay, I have Tadan and Tinuvie, should we run now?”

“Born free, free as the wind blows...” Tinuviel skipped down the halls. “Ha! A staircase! Come on everybody! Can't you feel the sunlight?”

Nimrodel looked over her shoulder again and watched as the persuing Elf Lords came closer and bracketed her. Undomiel’s walkie-talkie was tucked in her belt. She pulled it out and hit the button. “Um… help?”

Tinuviel had her walkie-talkie and heard Nimrodel’s small voice. “Just keep riding, Nimrodel! Elrond says they don't pursue very far. We'll meet you at the Ford.”

The hunters ran out of Rivendell. Luitha hurtled past them and whistled. Asfaloth came galloping up. "I'll go get Undomiel and the horses and send them here! Noro lim! Noro lim, Asfaloth!” She rode off, leaving the hunters to descend into the forest.

 Lizard put on an extra burst of speed, sweeping up Pippin as she ran “I'm coming, Nim!… Hu-hu-hu... Hobbit is heavy. Yikes.” She saw Nim racing toward her and the elves following behind. Lizard chucked the hobbit at the elves and knocked them down, then ran like the dickens with Nim and the other hunters.

“Does it seem odd to ANYBODY that we are running AWAY from the pretty elves???” Nimrodel shouted.

Luitha and Undomiel rode up to meet them. “Does everybody have a horse? Let's get out of here! Somebody grab the cricket on the way out! Throw the nail polish at the elves to distract them!”

“Shall we go back to camp on my horse, Tadandader?” Elrond suggested. “I got you a new sleeping bag.”

“A little, yes, Nim,” Lizard told her, as the others clambered up on the horses. “But then, Legolas is back at the camp. These others are but poor imitations of the elf I love...” She sighed happily at the thought of her Leggykins, then looked up and realized the hunters were preparing to ride away. “Wait!” She yodeled in distress.  “No, I don't have a horse!” She ran after them. “HELLO!!!!! I'm getting TIRED!!!!!!!!!”

Tinuviel galloped past Lizard and scooped her up. “Come, my little influence!”

“YAY!!!!! Thanks for the lift, Tin. We elf-hunters are a warm and fuzzy bunch.” Lizard settled down behind her as the company rode off. “And I have my cricket back! Wow... So what about when we get back at camp? Party time? I know I miss Legolas.”

“Whew... Thanks for bringing me back to the camp Tadan. I think the others knocked me out in the cell so I would stop talking about science. I was sober, as I AM only 12 and therefore underage and therefore still blabbing about science to a bunch of drunks. Hey, what's this? Lots of elves here in camp. Can I have one? I promise to speak less about science... Please get one who doesn't mind being a lab assistant, and is cute.” Tinuvie babbled on in typical Lizard fashion.
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com