CHAPTER 8: Myyyy Precioussss Naaaame
 
 

The hunters returned the camp safely and happily. “All right- I'm going to go back to my Ranger and sleep for the night,” Luitha announced. “It seem rescue mission #2 has been successful! Have a good night!”

“Here Tinuvie!” Nimrodel presented her with a suitable teenage elf, only 800 years old, wearing protective eye gear. “Have fun kids.”

“Oooh, thanks Nimrodel.” Tinuvie proceeded to bore her elf to death with science. However, the elf did have an unnatural enjoyment of mixing chemicals.

“Elrond and I are, um, tired!” Tadan declared. “That's it, we're tired. So we're leaving for the evening. Goodnight! Anar Caluva Tielyanna.”

“Oh great, finally back to the camp! Thanks people! You were great!” Mariana sighed and slid off her horse, heading back to her tent and NICE! There was an elf there. Unfortunatly said elf ws laughing at her. She sighed. The happy face was still on her cheek. Where did the nail polish remover get to?

“Alas, I too am... er... sleepy... I think I should go check on Legolas and then... sleep... That's it,” Lizard grinned. “Heh heh. Goodnight!”

The next morning…

“Hey! Do you all hear something in the bushes?” Undomiel looked at the hunters in the common log-area eating breakfast. They all eyed the bushes with delight.

“Another elf!” Tinuviel crowed. “Let’s get ‘em!” The hunters crept silently up to the offending bush and circled it, armed with ropes, lassos, and pretty hair clips.

“What are you doing?” A voice asked from over their shoulders.

“Shhh!” Tinuviel said, concentrating on the bush. She leapt in, and Undomiel and the other hunters followed after. When the dust cleared, there was no elf in sight, but a half a dozen hunters all piled up football-tackle fashion on top of the poor bush. A new hunter watched them amusedly.

“I can tell you there was no elf in there.”

“And why’s that?” Undomiel asked with a growl as she untangled herself, counting her injuries on her hand again.

“Cause I was the one making the  noise. Hello! I’m Kelsey Undomiel! Mind if I join?”

Undomiel lightened. “Another Undomiel? This could get tricky. First Tinuviel and Tinuvie, now this? Welcome Kelsey!”

“See Undomiel? You think nothing of it until it happens to you!” Tinuviel stood and brushed herself off. “Welcome to the party Kelsey!”

“Well, I'll bet there won't be any other Lizards hanging around,” Lizard pointed out. “Prolly cause if we were to point to the person whose name has little to do with anything on this message board, that would be me.” She sighed.

“I'm probably safe when I say we won't see any other Tadans. It is myyyy oooooowwwwwwwn, myyyyyyy prrrescioussss name,” Tadan hissed.

“So, what now?” Lizard plopped down on a log. “Don't get me wrong, life is good right now. Legolas is great at... Tae Bo... We did lots and lots of Tae Bo last night... I must be in awesome shape by now... Heh. Oh, and Tinuvie, er, it was me that knocked you out the other day. I was slinging Pippin around by his feet because he bit my hand trying to get the lembas out of it and I think his hard head hit you in the face. Sorry about that. Here, I still have the lembas. You can have it.” Lizard gave her an abashed look and handed over the lembas.

“Speaking of tae bo, can I have Legolas for a few hours?” Mariana pleaded to Lizard.

The Lizard sighed again. “Oh, all right. Good thing he has superhuman endurance or we probably would've broken him by now. That way.” She pointed to Legolas’ tent.

“Just a warning Kelsey,” Undomiel admonished. “We tend to get a little nutty around here, but I think that's half the fun of it. It appears that some of the other Elf-Lovers haven't stopped by yet, but they are just as fun. I'll have to get Cienanos over here to get you a drool cup. They sort of became standard issue for anyone here.”

-------------------------

VSDPEF- Lizard219
April 15, 2002

Sitting out in camp feeling bored. Not bored enough to wander off alone, of course, but bored. Where is everyone? Oh, that's right, the elves. You know, I'm all for a little... er... Tae Bo to get the blood flowing, but this is a bit much.

Am now taking out tiny square that turns into a washcloth in water. Dropping it in a bucket. Oooooooo. Aaaaah. Look at that little towel unfold. (Did I really pay a dollar for this?)

Oh, that's it. I'm suiting up for the hunt. And no, I'm not elf hunting. I'm defying this thread, with all our victorious basking in doing nothing, and hunting...

ORLANDO BLOOM...

Mwoo-ha-ha-ha-ha!
 

Luitha watched Lizard gleefully gear up for her Orli hunt.

“Oh good grief. Somebody needs to restrain the Lizard.”
 

Have all the right equipment and a few possible plans:

1) use rope trap
2) use big cage
3) chloroform
4) kidnap dog
5) just sneak up on him

Ok, the fourth one is out. It's just not nice. And the big cage was something I had a pervy elf dream about, foretelling it wouldn't work. Due to a recent dip in my amount of imagination, I'm just going to sneak up on him...

Later...

Ok, I see him. He's standing on the edge of a bridge over a deep ravine. What is he doing? Ooo, check out that profile when he turns his head... Niiiiice. Wait... He's tensing... gathering himself for a... jump?

"NOOOOOOOO! Orlando, you're too pretty to die!" Lizard ran out from behind him. He jumped just as she lunged…

Lizard suddenly realized she was falling off the bridge. So was Orlando, but HE had a bungee cord attached to his ankle. And Lizard didn’t. “Ooooooooohhh... craaaaaaaaaaaaap!!!!”

*LIZARD SPLAT*

Unnnngggh... Oh, ouch. Good thing Lizards have at least three lives. Learned THAT trick from Gandalf (old college buddy. Or something).

Must... try... new... approach. Must... not... spew... spleen... up. Must... return... to... Middle... Earth.

On the plus side, I do get to watch Orlando bouncing up and down above me... Aaah. It's everything I dreamed it would be.

------------------------------------

VSDPEF- MarianaMellon
April 15th

After lending me Legolas, Lizard left the camp saying she would hunt a guy named... oh what was his name? Orlando Bloom, I think. Does a name like that even exist in Middle Earth? Too strange. I guess she's having visions or something. Tinuvie might have some medicine for that...

----------------------------------

VSDPEF- Tinuviel80
April 15th

 Ah! This is the life! Middle Earth with perks that we call elves… No Mariana! My hard work gone with the swipe of a cotton ball. Must remember to go after someone else with nail polish. Oh well.

My first Lizard encounter has nearly healed (Go me!), but the second walkie-talkie smash is still at it's finest. Plus now that I'm sober the pain is very real. Other than that everything is going great...the birds are singing...the sun is shining...Lizard's jumping over a ravine... hey, wait a second! Lizards jumping over a ravine?! No Liz! Your too young to die!

Tinuviel ran over to the ravine, saw the very attractive bouncing male, swooned and fell over edge of  the ravine.

“AHHHHHHH!!!” She closed her eyes and waited for the hard landing on the very hard gound… and instead came to a soft stop on top of…

“Lizard! You broke my fall! We’ll call it even now.”

-------------------------------

VSDPEF- Lizard219
Orli hunting…

OOF. Must remember to check weather report before Orli-hunting... Do not remember weatherman calling for falling Tinuviels.

Awww... but she was worried I was gonna go smoosh. I'm so touched... We will call it even. Just hand me that tooth over there and we'll trek back to Middle Earth together. Ok, one more look up at Orlando Bloom bouncing...

...aaaaaaawwww....

Ok, back to Middle Earth.
 

Lizard sighed. “I think I'm going to go hang out in the lake of strawberry bubble bath for a while. All that falling, shrieking, and being pummeled got me all dirty. Ick.”

----------------------

Nimrodel sighed and watched Lizard hike off to the lake. “I see Lizard has finally literally gone off the edge.”

Tadan titled her head. “Lizard,” she called down. “Maybe you should wait to hunt Orli until he's on solid, even ground. Better yet, why don't you go to his house and wait 'til he's asleep. Then you should have pretty good chances.”

They looked at each other and trooped back to the camp.

-----------------------

“New mission!” Nimrodel clapped her hands as the huntresses gathered around. She stood on a log and waited for everyone to settle down. “Hey! Can you all sit! I can’t see over you and you know it!”

 Tadan grinned. “Are we going to go on an Orli hunt?”

Mariana popped her head out of Legolas’ tent. “I guess I'll just keep Legolas for some more time, OK?”

“Looks like we've got a new kind of mission girls.” Tinuviel grinned with Tadan. “But what are we going to do with our little elfy captives?

"I resent that!" was heard from several tents.

“Mine is quite happy to come along with me, or wait behind,” Tadan said. “I don't have to tie him up to keep him.

“Oh, I wouldn't worry too much,” Undomiel assured Tinuviel. “You see, I'm just going along to help, you see. To "have a bit of fun" so to speak. As long as the elves know this, they should be fine. I know Glorfindel is, at least. But Gildor, Elladan, and Elrond seem like reasonable guys as well. Not to mention Boromir and Aragorn. They should be fine. Although what will they do without us around to cook, girls?”

Lizard, smelly freshly of strawberries, hiked into camp. “Hullo, girls. I'd love some help, always, Tinuviel, Undomiel, Tadan, and anyone else. The more, the merrier. And that's some good advice from Tadan... No more pursuing Orli off of cliffs for me! I've only got two lives left! How does one go about kidnapping a moviestar without ending up behind bars or in the hospital? Hmmm...”

“Wow,” said Undomiel. “The wheels in her head are really turning now. Can you hear them? Listen to that hamster run!”

“I'm going to ambush him on the beach.” Lizard planned. “I know he likes to surf, and I'll just snorkel up from under, grab his ankle, and pull him through my handy-dandy portable worm hole into Middle Earth! He'll be easier to hide there. You guys can help me man-handle him into the hole.”

“Wetsuits everybody!” Nimrodel called out.

Elfcat galloped into camp with her newly acquired Shadowfax. “I'm lucky! I have 9 lives! That should be very helpful. I’ll help! What can I do?”

“Can I borrow a life if I die again?” Lizard asked.

Tinuvie returned to camp just as everyone prepared to leave. “How come EVERYTIME I go off in the woods, something major happens?” She thought about heading off to sulk in her lab. “Oh, well. Can I come with you? You have my chloroform!”

“I'll stay with my Ranger and babysit anyone that needs it.” Luitha sat down and watched the preparations. “Tinuvie- don't feel bad! You mentioned astrophysics a little while back and I nearly fell out of my chair- that's my major! You can talk to me about science allllll day long!” Tinuvie brightened.

“Hey for the record, I was a science geek in high school,” Lizard announced. “I took two sciences my junior year, AP Chemistry with PHYSICS as my elective. Then I took AP Physics the next year and was one of a very small number that passed the AP test.”  Crickets could be heard chirping in the silence that followed. The hunters stared at Lizard in amazement.

“Of course, after three years in college and an English degree finished, all the science I ever knew just slid... right... out... of... my... ear...” Lizard admitted. Conversation resumed. “Darn. Ok, pop through this worm hole out of Middle Earth and onto the beaches of FL. I heard Orli was surfing today. Surely there's a trap to be found there? I've got my snorkeling gear. I'm gonna sneak up under the water. If he makes it to land, somebody have a net ready or some chloroform. I may also need back-up in the water. Like I said, I have to push him through the worm hole to Middle Earth. It could be tricky.”

“Hmm, hunt Legolas, hunt Orli.” Tinuvie debated her choices. “Hey! Legolas is free.. Oh, Mariana beat me…”

Mariana stuck her head out of the tent again. “HE'S MINE! HE'S ALL MINE!”

“Okay, let’s hunt some human!” Tinuvie gathered her materials. “Yay! I'm going on a Orlando hunt, I'm going on a Orlando hunt!” She sat down and drew a diagram in the dirt.

“Ok, so we've got to get him through a worm-hole to middle-earth, huh? Um...We could dress up as PJ or something, and then bring him within the radius of the worm hole! The gravity would bring him in! Um-how about creating another hole in the space-time on the beach? Don't ask me how-maybe by waiting for a star to finish it's light gases and then somehow bringing it-ok. no. Or daring him to bungee-jump on a spot near the worm hole, and then...um...putting him to sleep with chloroform while trying not to be noticed by his enormous groups of fans! Ok. Just give me a few years to think and I’ll come up with something.”

“Okay, I’ve got ‘em fresh for the tae bo-in-training hunters!” Lizard walked back into camp with a box. “Here's your official "I went on an elf hunt and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirt. You can move up to the one that says "I went on an elf hunt and all I got was a gorgeous elf" one eventually.”

Finally set to go, the Orli hunters dove through the worm hole and land on a deserted Florida beach.

“Peeeerfeeect...” Lizard rubbed her hands together. “Somebody stay on the beach with a net, just in case he spots me and tries to make a break for it.”

Lizard snorkeled about, swimming out to where she could see the waves forming. She could see the fin from his surfboard and swam over to it.

“Err... guys? Where did THAT fin come from? It's sticking up the wrong way to be a surfboard... Ummm... Oh crap. Must... save... gorgeous... actor...”

“She did it!” Tinuvie cried from the beach. “She pushed him through the wormhole!”

“Somebody try and catch him on the other side, before he gets his bearings and flees!” Lizard stuck her head out of the water and called. And then she went under, whacked in the head with his surfboard in the process.

Am sinking...She thought. Ooooh, not another head injury. No wonder I'm such a dork, I keep getting whacked in the head. Where's Frodo in his boat when I need him?

Only... have... two... lives... left... Can't... lose... this... one.

If I die again, will I come back as Lizard the Green?

---------------

Back in the camp.

“Legolas, you have brushed your hair 100 times, can we do something else now?” Mariana put the brush aside and surveyed the elf critically.

 Suddenly, a human came hurtling through the sky and landed on Tadan.

“Ooooooofff! Ouch!” she cried. “Ow....ow...ow.!”

The human rolled off. "I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure how that happened! Are you okay?"

"Hey, you're Orlando Bloom!" Tadan’s senses were slow on the rebound.

"Yes, and I was surfing, but I don't know where the beach went."

Tadan's and Elrond's eyes met. Slowly, casually, Elrond gathered the Elf-Rope from behind his chair.

"I'm so sorry about your fall,” Tadan gushed. “Here, sit down and stay a while. I'm sure someone will be by shortly. In fact, I happen to know someone named Lizard who's been dying to meet you."

While Orlando was distracted, Elrond threw rope over him and tied him to the chair. "This is the human your friend wanted?" he asked.

"Yes, thanks, Elrond. I'm sure she'll be back soon."

"Let me go! You're insane! Let me go!" Orlando hollered.

*Elrond gagged the actor and went  back to sit with Tadan.

---------------------------

“Don't worry Lizard, The gravity from the worm hole will drag you into it, so you won't drown. Space-time holes have very strong gravity, even light can't...” Tinuvie was suddenly sucked back into Middle-earth and landed with a heavy THUD. “OW!” Lizard landed on ranting Tinuvie with a THUD. “OW! Why did I stay on the arrival spot?”

“What is this?!”  Nimrodel stood over the fallen Lizard. “I go inside to get my scuba gear and you leave without me! How come every time I leave Lizard, she winds up with a concussion?”

-------------------------------

VSDPEF- Lizard219
April 16

Am blinking, confused. One minute, I had a great white shark nibbling on my toes, the next, I'm sitting on tinuvie. Hi, tinuvie! What's that? Get off? Oh. Err... Sorry.

Hmph. I was just reading earlier how you're more likely to be struck by lightening than attacked by a shark. Tell that to Jaws back there!

*lightening strikes Lizard* ZZZZZZZAAAAP!

Oh, drat. Am all crispy now. Ick. (Bathes, combs hair, and as an afterthought, uses some of tinuvie's gadgets to send a mild electrical shock through self to restart heart.)

Well, this is my last life. Unless I call up Gandalf and find out how to get a few more...

OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Tadan got me Orlando! Thanks, Tadan! Thanks, Elrond! Hi, Orlando! My, he looks frightened. Is it just being tied up by elves or is he just peeved that his surfing was interrupted?

Come on, cutie! I'll introduce you to Legolas (if he can be spared for a second from showing Mariana his "Tae Bo" moves) and maybe you'll calm down enough to at least be interested in what's going on. Here, let's slip the ropes from the back of the chair and tighten them a bit... There. Now walk. I'll walk... er... rear guard.

*fastens drool cup on*

P.S. Nim, tell me about it. I'm just going to have to live in a bubble or something... with Orlando... Heh heh. If this bubble's rockin'... OH GOOD GRIEF. I need help. Anybody have the number of a good shrink? Or maybe if I quit falling off of things, I will be ok.

----------------------------

VSDPEF- Junipur
April 16

Seems like everyone is finally, back, too bad, was enjoying my time with Legolas. Let Mariana have him for a while then.

Hmm, maybe we will finally be able to have the party, at least now we are all together again ?

Arhhgh, seems like someone is now hunting humans, ah well, I think I´ll just stay here with the elves.

-------------------

“I’m a psychologist! I’ll help you Lizard!” Tinuviel announced.

“I said that outloud?” Lizard looked perplexed.

“You jumped off a cliff to get to Orli and then nearly got eaten by a shark.” Tinuviel told her. “Concussions are a daily occurrence with you. You needed to say it outloud?”

Lizard laid down on a log while Tinuviel sat at her head. “What can I say? I get bored easily. Not with Legolas, mind you, but with the down time when I have to SHARE Legolas. Anyhow, I'm certainly not bored with Orlando yet. Grrr, whatta hottie. We're gonna take a walk in the woods while I show him around this neck of Middle Earth. Oh, and Tinuviel, if you can find some advice for kicking an Orli habit, I'd love to hear it!”

Lizard leapt off Tinuviel’s couch and made to run off with Orli.

“Hey!” Nimrodel pouted. “Make Lizard share!”

“Now girls... Lizard, share with Nimrodel... Please don't make me give you BOTH timeouts! I don't care who started it! So ladies? Anyone wanna play catch?” She picked up Orlando Bloom.

“And I thought I worked out,” Nim muttered.

“NOOOOOOO! I'll share with Nim, I'll share with Nim! Don't toss Orlando!” Lizard paused to  consider the implications of that statement. “Ewww… Come on, Nim. You can take him for a while and then we'll switch.”

“Thanks Lizard!” Nim hoisted Orli and ran cackling into her tent.

Lizard sighed and sat on a log. “I have way too much time.”

Undomiel sat next to her. “Ummm . . . Lizard, I hate to say this, but I don't think that you are the only one with too much time on your hands. Not only am I the President of the Too-Much-Time Society, I'm a member.”

“Your pardon, Madame President,” Lizard told her. “We've prepared your oval office for you, only we were so bored, we made it a dodecagon office.”

“Anyone else want in on the Too-Much-Time Society?” Undomiel looked around at the bored huntresses lounging around the campfire. “We can hold elections and everything. I move we open nominations for positions. Anyone second? Oh, by the way . . . do you think maybe we should also start giving hunting lessons?”

“I second the motion,” Lizard said. “Hunting lessons might be nice... Should we find a test elf and release him? Then we could give step-by-step instructions. New hunters could be sent on an expedition for another test elf to show their prowess!”

“Can I join?” A new face sat down on a log opposite Lizard and Undomiel.

“Which?” They asked with a grin. “The Too-Much-Time Society or the hunting lessons?”

“Both. I’m Elwen hin i lome. Hello!”

“Oh no!” Luitha stuck here head out of the tent and smacked it. “And I thought no one else would have a name like mine!”

“Her name’s not Luitha,” Undomiel pointed out, confused.

“No, but it’s an elvish phrase!” Luitha moaned, retreating back into the tent.

“Can I nominate myself for Vice President?” Tadan sat with the growing crowd. “And we could test-hunt with Haldir, as no one would really mind if he escaped! “

“Hmmm. You know, it would be a shame if Haldir escaped,” Lizard said thoughtfully. “I mean, it can hurt a girl's ego to hang out with so many elves. They're all prettier than I am! Then I go stand next to Haldir and look at his nose and BAM! I got my self-esteem back! But you're right, he'll make a pretty good test elf.”

“Can I offer proof of my Too-Much-Time?” Tadan asked. “I have just become one of the two new Administrators at Rivendell. El Luitha Uren is the other one. We're well-balanced that way, a pervy Elf Fancier and a pervy Ranger fancier.”

“Hmmm… Lizard said, “I think that’s good enough proof... I'll check with Undomi...”

“And I just wrote ‘The Fellowship of the Banana Peel’," Tadan added.

“Welcome Madame Vice President,” Lizard said quickly, shaking Tadan’s hand.

 “Of course,” Lizard continued on the earlier topic. “If I need my vanity boosted, I'll head down to Gollum's thread and stand next to him. I think I could qualify for super model status standy next to Mr. Short-White-and-Slimey.”

“Um, what’s all this?” Frodolover5 sat next to Elwen., who immediately started dancing and stinging,

“'I’m gonna catch me an elf, I’m gonna catch me an elf…”

Saffron came out of her tent, sobbing hoplessly. “I can't keep up with you guys, it's mad .... everytime I vanish for a day I come back and am completely lost. What is everybody joining in on now? Can I play, pretty please?”

“Who's got Legolas?” Mariana declared. “I want him back!”

“Where are we?!” Saffron wailed.

“Team meeting! Nim called.
 
 
 
 

El Luitha 'uren
June 2002
Elluitha@rivendell.zzn.com