Deus Ex Machina

by Elvichar

Part 4

Archive: Yes
Pairings: We’ll see
Rating: I don’t know how to judge these things. The ratings part of my brain has gone on a long journey.

"So - you feeling better all of a sudden then?" Iolaus asked the god of mischief.

"No. I'm not feeling better. I thought you'd be a push over. It's very disappointing."

"Yeah well I'm not THAT easy - despite rumours to the contrary. Anyway you didn't exactly try very hard." Iolaus was still stung about Joxer's sudden attack of Cupid-lust. Of course he couldn't be blamed - it was all Ares fault. But that wasn't the point. It was depressing. He wasn't in the mood any more.

"Huh. You sulking about Joxer. What about me eh? An hour ago Cupid was doing the do with me. And stupid as it sounds I was actually kinda falling for him."

"Yeah but it wasn't his fault. Ares and Discord shot them with Cupid's bow."

"What?" Strife had missed that part by a fraction of a second. By the time he'd arrived Joxer and Cupid were already well into each other.

"Ares and Discord. It's all their doing."

"Ares? I saw Aphrodite - what's Ares got to do with it?"

"Are all gods this stupid? Aphrodite is Ares."

Strife looked at Iolaus with something approaching pity. The man was cute, but he was obviously a little touched.

Iolaus was about to explain, but he was interrupted by a naked Joxer crashing into him and rolling onto the floor.

"Iolaus you got to help me. Cupid's gone all ooky."

"Ooky?"

A giant roar heralded Cupid's arrival. Iolaus got to see the full horror of his ookiness.

Strife stood up, "What have you done to him?"



***********************



Aphrodite wasn't used to having facial hair. And she certainly wasn't used to what seemed to be happening to the lower part of her anatomy. She pulled away from Hephaestus' kiss.

"Heph - this is.. this is too much. I got to think about this. It's too weird. You don't know what you're doing. I'm sorry. It's not you. Really. I....I..." she smiled weakly and disappeared, leaving Hephaestus very, very confused and horny.

She reappeared in a shady grove, just in time to catch Discord pinning Ares up against a tree in a hot and heavy embrace.

She was about to shout 'Hey! What do you think you're doing?' but something made her pause. She looked good with Discord. Yeah it was Ares, but... But.

What was she thinking? This was getting ridiculous.

It needed all to be resolved. Now.

Aphrodite approached the pair, "Discord!" she said in her best Ares voice.

Discord jumped to attention at the sound of the war god's voice. She turned around and attempted a look of contrition.

"Ar. I was wondering where you'd gone. Me and 'Fro were just getting better acquainted."

"Yeah I could see."

"You want to join in lover boy?" Ares said with a grin.

Aphrodite scowled at him."Heph has got something for you." she said, best get this all out in the open.

"Got something for me?" What like a sword, or some armour?" Ares looked a bit confused.

"No. not a something. Something. He's got a Thing for you."

"Lost me."

Aphrodite stamped her foot. Discord giggled at the incongruity of the sight. Aphrodite sighed.

"And they say I'm a ditz."

"You are a..."Ares began.

"Watch it."

"Ares. Hephaestus has always had a Thing for Fro. Has someone zapped you?" Discord shook her head. Ares was such a freak sometimes.

"No. Ok I'll try to make this easy for you. Hephaestus has a Thing. For. You. Not me. You." She looked at Ares with a meaningful look.

"Well why doesn't he just give me this thing?" Ares threw his arms up.

Discord looked at the god of war and the goddess of love. This was getting worrying. Aphrodite going all kinky and horny. Ares getting all airheady and... the goddess' mouth fell open. "Ares?" she looked at the god of war.

Ares smiled. "Hey - I knew you'd catch on Dis. And your're in real trouble when all this is over."

"Well at least someone is catching on. Honestly Ares - you are so stupid sometimes."

Discord laughed suddenly. "Heph has a thing for Ares?"

Aphrodite shook her head. "Yay. Someone with half a brain."

Ares stared. He didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"He..let me get this right. Hephaestus has a thing for me? Me-me. Not you-me?"

"Well it might be a bit you-me but there's definitely some you-you in there. It came as a bit of a shock." Aphrodite pouted. The love goddess turned to Discord. "What about you then. Was it Ares or was it me?"

"Was it...?"As the enormity of the situation started to sink in Discord started to feel very uneasy.. And... Oh. "Ewww. I can't believe you let me kiss you." Discord punched Ares in the stomach. He doubled over in pain. Then he recovered himself, throwing back his long blonde curly hair and thrusting his breasts forward.

"Discord," Ares snarled, "You are so in trouble."

Aphrodite jumped back as Discord and Ares started pulling each other's hair and throwing kicks and punches.

There was that funny feeling down below again.



****************************************



Cupid paused. His breathing was loud and heavy as he stared in at the three figures.

Joxer hid behind Iolaus. The difference in height made it not very successful.

The transformed Cupid’s leathery wings drooped as he looked at the gathering.

“Cupid?” Strife walked towards the monstrous god.

Cupid’s head sagged. Tears started pouring from his eyes as he slowly changed back to his normal form.

“Aw - don’t. It’s not your fault...no... Don’t sniff it’s making me puke,” Strife said by way of comfort.

Cupid staggered forward and rested his head on Strife’s shoulder. “Strife - I feel so bad. Why does everyone keep leaving me?”

“This is Ares fault.” Iolaus said firmly. Cupid looked up.

“Dad? What’s he got to do with it.”

Iolaus sighed. Now he’d have to explain it all again. Why didn’t these gods just get it.



***********************



Aphrodite’s eyes, and other parts, were growing as she watched Discord and Ares, with his hot blonde body, scratching each other’s eyes out.

She rubbed her collar and shook out her legs, moving the leather in her pants to make more room. Oh, she thought, that’s why Ares is always shaking his legs out. Walk a mile in some man’s pants and you sure got a different perspective on things.

Still - this had got to stop. She moved forward to intervene, only to have Discord elbow her in the face.

“Hey missy, watch where you’re...” Discord went back to pulling at Ares hair.

Oh well. maybe if they just got it out of their system, Aphrodite thought, lying on the floor to watch in relative safety.



***************************



“I’m going to kill him.” Cupid spread his wings and snarled.

“No don’t do that,” Iolaus said.

“Why not?” Strife asked.

Everyone went silent as they tried to think of a reason.

“I’ve got one,” Joxer said eventually, everyone turned to him. He blushed and covered himself up, suddenly realizing how very naked he was. Not more naked than Cupid, granted, but Cupid was a god. God’s could get away with it.

“Joxer. Just get on with it,” Iolaus said testily. He was really, really not in the mood anymore. It had been a trying day.

“You can’t kill Ares. It’s not his fault. he’s just had a hard life.”

Iolaus threw up his arms. “That’s your reason? Ares has had a ‘hard life’?”

“Well. Yeah.”

“Ares has not had a hard life. He’s a god. Gods don’t have hard lives.” Iolaus shook his head.

“There’s no need to get mad at me. I’m the one that got popped with that arrow and I’m not angry.”

“Yeah well you got to make it with a god - why would you be angry?” Iolaus turned away.

“It wasn’t my fault!” Joxer said. All his life he’d tried to avoid conflict, tried to smooth the waters. Sure yeah, he was a mighty warrior, but he never wanted to make the people he fought mad at him. And he never, ever got mad himself. But Iolaus was really pushing it now.



**************************



Hephaestus had had enough of this. Twice Ares had come to the forge. Twice he’d left just as things were getting interesting. Well it wasn’t good enough.

He materialised just in time to see his wife fighting with Discord and Ares staring with not a small amount of lust on his face.

Heph realised that with Aphrodite there it probably wasn’t a good time to talk with Ares. He determined the best course of action was to step into the fray and break it up.

“Hey, watch it scarface,” Discord snarled.

“Watch it yourself - unless you want me to manacle you to that tree,” Heph threatened.

Discord smiled. “Well I wouldn’t mind it.”

Ares thought it was best to play this to the hilt, “Oh Heph. Dis was picking on me. You’ll protect me won’t you?” He flung himself into Hephaestus’ chest and grinned at Aphrodite.

The love goddess strode forward and pulled Ares away. “Watch it - he may have a thing for you, but he’s still my man.”

Ares laughed. “Yeah - well who does he like best - is it you or is it me? Or is it me as you or you as me? Or maybe it’s just me. Did you think of that eh? Maybe he’s just sick of your stupid whiny voice , ‘ex-squeeze me’ Ares mocked, ‘I’m just so cute and fluffy I could just eat myself’. Hah. I know I’d get sick of it.”

Heph looked at Discord, who shrugged , “don’t look at me.”

Aphrodite looked aghast, “Me - what about you with all your big macho posing . And what’s with the leather? It’s hot ALL the time, and there’s no room to move...bits... AND it squeaks when you move.”

The two faced each other and stared.

“Oh this has gone way beyond ‘who’s best’ ,” Aphrodite said at last.

“Well if you’re talking about Heph now - and I think you are - it was my body that got him going.” Ares said smugly.

“But it was me inside,” Aphrodite protested.

“Ah - but did he know that? No” Ares said triumphantly.

“What do you care - you don’t want him.” Dite said desperately.

“Who says?”

Heph started pacing. This was all too much. For thousands of years no one had wanted him. He’d been the outcast, unloved and unlovely. And now Ares AND Aphrodite wanted him? Even if they were acting a little...strangely...

“You’re just saying that to get at me,” Dite said.

“No I’m not. It’s not fair you get all the fun. I want a piece.”

Aphrodite stamped her foot. “Maybe we should let Heph decide.”

“Hey - what about me, don’t I get to have a say in all this?” Discord piped up.

“Why?” Ares asked.

“Well because it’s not on. I think I should get whoever Heph doesn’t want. I’m not proud - I don’t mind taking on slightly soiled goods... In fact I sort of prefer them that way.”

“Well I don’t want you,” Ares said quickly.

“Well I don’t particularly want you - but I’ll take a chance on it okay.” Discord grinned. This would be fun. A no lose situation.



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