Deus ex Machina

by Elvichar

Based on the Hercules Universe (owned by someone else)
Pairings: We’ll see
Rating: Might even get up to NC17 - don’t know yet

Joxer was travelling alone.
He’d parted company with Xena and Gabrielle a few weeks before, fully intending to join them in the next village. But when he’d arrived they were noticeably absent.
He hummed his theme song - quietly, under his breath. For some reason his usual loud, good spirits had deserted him at about the same time as Gabrielle and Xena.
A rustling in the bushes at the side of the road alerted Joxer to someone else’s presence.
“Who is it?” He said boldly. There seemed no point in being afraid. If he died he died - feh, so what. He was Joxer the Mighty, master of bravery. He could cope.
“Um - it’s not what it looks like,” a muffled voice replied.
“Oh?” Joxer’s curiosity was piqued, “What does it look like?”
A dishevelled blond man emerged from the undergrowth. Joxer smiled and went to hug the man in greeting, “Iolaus!”
Iolaus signalled for Joxer to stay where he was.
“Jox - not now. I’m not feeling too good.”
As he got nearer to the little hunter, Joxer began to understand. The smell from the bushes was terrible.
“Oh - did you bump into that Falafel person? You really shouldn’t eat his hummus - you don’t know where it’s been."
Iolaus forced a grimace. “ Yeah sure - that’s it. Falafel.” He didn’t sound very convincing, but Joxer let it slide.
“So - Where’s Hercules?” Joxer thought a change of subject might put Iolaus at ease - maybe stop him thinking about his aching belly.
“Ah he’s off on some adventure. Didn’t think to take me.”Iolaus sounded bitter, “After all we’ve been through, all I’ve done for him he still goes off on his own - who knows where. Making new friends - oh he’s good at that.”
“Oh.” Was all Joxer could manage at this unexpected outburst. But he understood. These big hero types like Hercules (and Xena and Gabrielle, Joxer thought ruefully) never paused to spare a thought to all the little people. Iolaus had found a spot at the side of the road, and was sitting with his head in his hands. Thankfully it was some distance away from the stinky bush. Joxer sat next to the Hunter.
“I’m sorry Jox. You didn’t need to see that. It’s just I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m feeling really ill and Herc just goes off and abandons me,” Iolaus stifled a sob.
Joxer wasn’t sure how to handle this, but he decided to dive right in anyway, “Hey - I’m sure he didn’t mean it. Probably thought you could look after yourself. Same as Gaby and Xena probably thought they were holding me back, hanging around with me all the time. They all probably thought we could do with a break. You know - find ourselves. Probably.”
Iolaus laughed, He couldn’t help himself. Poor Joxer. Always trying to help. Even with so very many problems of his own.
“Hey, sure. That’s probably it Joxer. You’re probably right,” Iolaus couldn’t help repeating the words. Probably. Everything was probable. Why was it that nothing seemed possible any more.
“Hey - that’s the spirit. Hey - I know, why don’t you travel with me for a while. It’ll be fun.”
Iolaus stared at Joxer for a moment and then slowly nodded. “Yeah, sure, why not. Fun.” Iolaus grinned. Who knows, it might at that.
Joxer was singing loudly now. Poor Iolaus needed cheering up and Joxer knew he was just the warrior to help.
Iolaus was definitely feeling better. It was strange how that annoying song really got to you after a while.
He started to join in.
Joxer grinned as they wandered up the dusty road harmonising.

*********************

Aphrodite looked on and smiled. She’d been so bored lately and Herc had not been playing by the rules. Not at all.
For a long while she’d known Hercules and Iolaus belonged together. Only lately her opinion had begun to waver.
There were some people who needed each other, there were some people who deserved each other. And sometimes there were people who nobody else thought belonged together that just worked. Who knew?
Ares grunted as he caught his half-sister peeking at the mortals.
“Why do you care? They’re just Hercules’ friends. They’re just mortals. You should take a break for a while Aphrodite. “
“Huh! Ares, you are the most interfering god on Olympus, what gives you the right to judge? Or are you jealous?”
“Jealous? Of whom?”
Good question.

************************

‘So the secret to catching rabbits is...” Iolaus was really starting to enjoy himself. The walking, the singing, the company had all banded together to help him forget how he was feeling. His stomach had stopped aching and he’d almost forgotten Hercules’ name.
He didn’t get to finish telling Joxer about the rabbits. Ares had appeared in front of them. Blocking the road.
“Oh hi Ares? How you doing?” Joxer said, unfazed.
“Ares - get out of the way. “ Iolaus growled.
Ares stood with his hands on his waist, legs astride straddling the pathway. His best impression of the Colossus of Rhodes and they weren’t impressed?
“I am the god of war. You are two puny mortals with no demigods here to help you. Aren’t you scared?” “Oh yeah. Woo ooh, I’m trembling,” Iolaus snapped, “Come on Joxer, maybe we should take a different pathway.”
“Oh Ok,” Joxer and Iolaus swung around and started walking away from Ares.
“Wait - don’t turn your back on me. I’m a god. “ Ares tutted and disappeared.

*****************

“Didn’t want to hang around with them anyway,” Ares was sulking.
“Oh Ares. Cool it. You just need someone to play with. But NOT them. Either of them,” Aphrodite smiled sweetly. “They both deserve better than you!”
“You are really pushing it sis,” Ares warned. What did she know anyway? Goddess of love. What did that mean anyway? Who needed love when they could have war? He was trying hard to convince himself. But it really wasn’t working.

*******************

“So what do you think Ares wanted?” After a lot of tutoring from the hunter Joxer had caught a fish, and he was now attempting to cook it.
“Who cares. I’ve had enough of gods,” he thought bitterly.
“Good job I’m not one. God I mean. I mean what would I be god of?”
Iolaus bit his tongue before he said something tactless.
“I could be god of singing!” Joxer exclaimed triumphantly.
“Yeah - you’re pretty good at that. Do you know any other songs though?” Iolaus did like the Joxer the Mighty song - really he did - but after two hours of joining in he had returned to his earlier position of being slightly irritated by the ditty.
“I know a few bawdy ones,” Joxer attempted a big wink, but most of the rest of his body joined in with the eyelid.
For some reason Joxer suddenly reminded Iolaus of a newly born calf. Sort of cute. How come he’d never noticed how cute the pseudo warrior was before?
“Do you know the one about Ares and the cave full of Hestian virgins?”
Joxer blushed. “I know one version of it - I think it’s slightly naughtier than the original. Meg taught me. She knows some really filthy things.”
Iolaus thought, but he didn’t want to say anything - Meg was one of Joxer’s friends. He wanted to like Joxer’s friends.

***********************

“But ‘Dite...”
“No buts Ares - certainly not Joxer’s or Iolaus’” Aphrodite let out a tinkling laugh at this. Ares didn’t get it - he stared at his sister with confusion.
“Go play soldiers,” the goddess of love continued, “And don’t mess where you aren’t wanted.”
Ares exploded at this, “I am always wanted, I’m the god of war everyone loves me.”
Aphrodite guffawed, “Well at least you still have a sense of humor.”
“And I bet I’d be good at whatever I did. I’d make a better love goddess than you.”
“Huh!” Aphrodite snorted.
“All you do is swan around acting dumb, wearing pink chiffon. Anybody could do that.”
“I don’t think you’d look good in my outfits - but you’re great at acting dumb,” Aphrodite growled.
Ares tried to think of a good retort, but he was too angry. He threw his arms up, shot Aphrodite a look and stormed out.
he thought.
“I heard that,” The love goddess shouted after him, “And I’ve started a lot more wars than you buddy.”

**********************

The fish had been a little undercooked, but Iolaus had eaten it anyway so Joxer wasn’t offended.
“I cook good huh?” Joxer beamed.
Iolaus smiled back. Who’d have thought he’d enjoying spending time with Joxer of all people.
A shower of rose petals heralded the arrival of an Olympian.
“Hey boys, having fun?” The beautiful blonde-haired vision winked at Iolaus knowingly. The hunter blushed and looked down.
“Aphrodite, how you doing?” Joxer was always pleased to see the love goddess, she’d always been so nice to him.
“Joxie, lovely, sweet innocent Joxie!” She moved towards Joxer and sat down.
“So ‘Dite, how can we help you?” Of all Herc’s relatives this was the one he liked the most. But she never visited unless it was for a reason - usually she wanted something.
“I just thought I’d stop by, see how you are...”
Iolaus felt bad for doubting her - especially as it looked like she was going to cry.
“Oh ‘Dite I didn’t mean anything. I just wondered what you want with us. No...I mean, can we help you in some way.. we’re always happy to..” Iolaus gave up before he dug himself into a bigger hole.
“Oh Curly, you’re so cute when you’re confused. Relax, I just wanted to hang out with you both for a while.”
“Hang out with us?” Joxer looked pleased. Imagine - Aphrodite as his sidekick.
“Oh Joxie, you’re so adorable!” Any answer Joxer might have had to that was silenced by a huge kiss.
Iolaus frowned. he thought bitterly.
Iolaus jumped back as she pulled away from Joxer and glanced at him. “I heard that Iolaus. Little jealous are we? You want some too huh?”
“What?”
Iolaus felt his eyes being drawn downwards to heaving bosoms draped in pink chiffon. He gulped.
Never one to refuse in situations such as these, the hunter responded fairly enthusiastically to her lips on his.
Aphrodite was angry. Very angry.

******************

Joxer and Iolaus were both asleep.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Aphrodite glared angrily at Ares.
“Oh hello sis - wondered when you’d turn up.”
“I wanted to see just how far you’d take this. I’m not happy - not happy at all. Not only have you sullied my reputation but you may have seriously screwed up the path to true love.”
“Well it was fun - lots of fun.”
Ares flinched as a bolt of pink lightning seared his shoulder, scorching a hole in the pink chiffon.
“And change back now - you look nothing like me.”
Ares grinned, and pulled the delicate material back in place. “They seemed to think it was you. I might stay like this for a while - have a bit more fun,” Aphrodite’s double raised his eyebrows lasciviously.
Iolaus, disturbed by the commotion, and he could usually sleep through an earthquake, opened his eyes and blinked.
“’Dite?” He looked around, “And ‘Dite?”
Joxer sat up suddenly, “Wow, that was some...” He looked around and did a triple take.
“I’m disappointed in you two,” Aphrodite said, “How could you be so easy - and with such a cheap copy!”
Ares snarled, the effect was disturbing, “Hey I look exactly like you - and I am not cheap.”
“What in..” Iolaus started.
“Shut it Curly!” Both ‘Dites said in unison.
Joxer had started to get a bad feeling about this.
“Iolaus,” He whispered, “What’s going on?”
“Beats me - but I don’t think it’s good.”
“Change back immediately or I’ll...” Aphrodite glared at her double.
“You’ll what?” Ares was beginning to enjoy himself now.
He was answered by a great silver light, standing before him was Ares. It looked like Ares. How could it be Ares?
“Dite...how flattering - you look like me!” Ares, still disguised as Aphrodite, laughed at his sister’s transformation, “But what’s it supposed to prove - you look like me, so what?”
“So what Ares dearest? I would like a chance to prove I can be twice the man you ever were. And don’t even think of changing back - you’re going to look like that for a week - and so am I,” Aphrodite, disguised as Ares gave what would have been a sweet smile - under different circumstances.
“What?”
Iolaus and Joxer looked at the two gods then at one another.
“Aw-oh,” Iolaus said, “This is definitely not good.”




On to the next part of Deus ex Machina

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