Kacoe's Jokes Page #2
Welcome to another addition of my joke page. These are even
MORE jokes and some maybe even funnier. They are mostly the little
tips for life ones. But MY fav is the bright blue colored
one, Well enjoy!!
*~Kacoe
She Was So Blonde That...
...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...She tripped over the cordless phone.
...At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here" she put Taurus.
...It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
...She was staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "concentrate."
...She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company
...She told me to meet her at the corner or WALK and DONT WALK.
...When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left she turned around and went home.
...She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make-up her mind.
...She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
...She sold her car so she could have gas money.
...She looked into a box of Cheerio's and said, "Oh Look! Donut seeds!"
...She couldn't be a pharmicist because she couldn't fit the bottle in the type writer.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring.
What's the definition of eternity? 4 blondes at a 4 way stop.
What do you call 5 blondes at the bottom of the ocean? An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of Blondes? A white cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? This Goes In Front.
Things Girls Think Guys Should Know
1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are petty; get over it.
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a ho.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't
always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature: We can't
help it.
16. We are drama Queens.
17. Fashion police DO exist.
18. Don't ask to give you head: If you're nice
you might just get it.
19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster
trucks, car systems, how big you are or anything else you and your friends
talk about.
20. Hugs and Kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave out legs everyday; get over
it.
22. Don't make bets about us, we always find
out.
23. Shave; no matter how cool you think it is,
we hate it.
24. Even if you think it's cool to burp, fart,
or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not!
25. Don't compare our breasts to Britney Spears,
hers are fake.
26. It's not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat, humor us
and tell us we aren't.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock
down big fat guys and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't
you piss in the toilet, and not on it?
30. Most importantly: We are always right; so don't forget it!
*The Cynic's Guide To Life*
1. Follow your dream! Unless it's one where
you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses
and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Don't walk beside me either, just
leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call
anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many
of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the
other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if
you're going to steal the nerighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard
near the phone. That way, when a sales man calls you can hold the receiver
up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each
other the 4 food groups: the bon-bon group, the salty-snack group, the
caffeine group and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"
group.
10. Into every life some rain must fall, usually
when your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs
to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.
12. When you find yourself getting irritated
with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just them a noogie
or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable
scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives
stay over.
14. It's a small world. So you gotta use your
elbows a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone, and your
shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This is your land, this is my land. So stay
on your land.
17. Love is like a rollercoaster: When it's
good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't you can't wait to throw up.
The Most Flexible Word?
Shit may be the most powerful word in the English
language. You can be shit faced, be shit outta luck, or have shit for brains.
With little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit
or deicde to shit or get off the pot. You
can smoke shit, but shit, sell shit, find shit, lose shit, forget shit, and
tell other to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind,
have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit
brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people
know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shienola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy
shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, chicken shit, ostrich
shit and goose shit. You can throw shit, sling
shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give
a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder
than shit, some are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Somemusic
sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel
like shit. You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit. You
can carry shit, have a mountain of shit or find yourself up shit creek without
a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't wantany
shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling
like a rose. --Shit-- When you stop to consider all the facts, its the basic
building block of communication, & remember,
once you know your shit you don't need know anyone else's shit!
©1997-2000