Kacoe's Jokes Page #3

Welcome to yet, another addition of my joke pages. I still have more coming and I hope you enjoy them all. Anywho, I hope you like these too! Peace!

*~Kacoe~*

Halloween Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache & told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin & go to bed, and that there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chic he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking time at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Applying For Social Security

A retired gentlemen went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left His wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left His wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, -- you might have qualified for disability too!"

Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is fast." "No turtle is fast," replied the bartender. "OK," said the man. "Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall. "Told you it would be there before your dog."

Guilty Howard

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."

Guy On The Island

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

She Changed Me

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

Don't Touch That Button!

A man traveling by place was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!! So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it conformably. "Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!" So he pushed the next button with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung from below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great,"he thought as he reach out for the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... Confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was the intense pain in the ladies room on the place. The nurse explained, "yes you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Lawyer Vs. Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if yoj don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, somewhat agitated, says, "Okaym if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and I will pay you$50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to that game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hinds it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer,"What goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail, after over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her a $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns back to get some sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?!" Wthout a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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