Ex-Pagan 4 Christ

I had just ended up being cut off from my friends and my boyfriend due to my drug addiction, living in a squalid house where I had to clean to live there, dancing for people at a club to earn money for drugs. I spent a lot of my days in a fug of depression after that, crying over losing John - even though he had hit me. I still had some sense back then because I didn't give him a forwarding address, though I did end up meeting him later on. I couldn't stand the idea of going back to my parents, and had by then cut myself off from them completely. Slowly, I was feeling shame - I had stolen from my friends and betrayed that friendship, all from the love of heroin.

I had a very good think those days alone in my room. I had effectively been cut off from the drugs scene because I was no longer with John and didn't want to bump into him, but I had bought plenty with the money I had stolen from him before I left. When those stocks were running low, I had a think about drugs. I decided to try to kick the habit, so I could have money, a nice place to live, friends and self-worth again. I had heard terrible tales about heroin withdrawal, so I couldn't muster the courage to go cold turkey. Instead I went to the doctor and became a registered heroin addict, receiving the heroin substitute methadone by prescription. It was better than buying heroin off the street - but not by much. I combined it with pot - which I thought would take my mind off wanting to buy more drugs, and started to drink heavily.

I decided to reorganise my life and decide where it was going. It was at this time that a sense of the spiritual obsessed me - God often uses our low moments to break through to us! I went to a Catholic church, and heard about some three gods called Jesus, Mary and the Father, but failed to gain an understanding of salvation, grace, God, or anything else. I couldn't escape the feeling I was at the theatre or a dance - and the incense made me cough. So I left, and never returned.

I thought I'd try another branch of Christianity - I was sticking with the "faith of my fathers" at the time. So I wandered into an Anglican service. It was quite a 'low' service so it looked like a normal Protestant church. I wound up talking to the vicar and I asked him for a simple explanation of Christianity. He told me that his God had, in some way or other, created the earth, that a small tribe of people had worshipped this God and writte down their ideas about Him and that a man named Jesus had led a breakaway faction who believed He was a political leader sent to fight the Romans, until this man was executed. The disciples then had a vision or conviction that He wasn't dead, and formed a church. It all seemed vague and wishy-washy, and I couldn't really see the point. Where I was looking for hard truth I found uncertainty - but as I later found out, the Bible is really very certain about things. It is only liberal queasiness at the notion of fundemental, life-changing belief which makes them shy away. Jesus has some words for them: So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. (Revelation 3:15).

I decided Christianity wasn't worth it! They didn't know what they believed, couldn't tell me the point of their religion, and were always disagreeing with one another! Who would want a religion like that?

I would probably have tried the Jews - but I thought you had to be a born-Jew to join, or the Muslims (but I didn't like their attitude towards women) so in the end I rejected the "religions of the book" entirely. Now I turned my enquiries eastwards.

I'd been reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac, and he'd mentioned zen Buddhism, so I thought I'd have a look at that. It, and Buddhism in general, were to complex for me - and besides, there was something very foreign to me about them, being a westerner.

I had a bit of a read about some other religions - Hinduism in particular, but decided they were all a bit strange. So instead I started reading a "mind, body, spirit" magazine. It had features on the tarot, astrology, hauntings and the like. One week, though, it profiled a "white witch". She talked about ancient celtic gods, of folklore and fairies, and about bringing peace and harmony to the world - and to yourself. I thought it sounded interesting and rather exciting, so I checked out a few sites on the net which said you could be a pagan and love nature, doing good, and your own history at the same time.

I thought this sounded great, and found out from an occult bookshop that there was an open coven nearby which would take new members. I decided to go, but I had to wait a month before their next meeting, so I did some reading beforehand.