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(Homer): Ha ha! That is funny!
* When Marge's aunt has died and the family is going to her funeral...
(Selma): It's the death of a legend.
(Homer's brain): Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Homer): Ha ha! The legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Marge): Homer!!
(Homer): Stupid brain.
* Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
* (reading an IOU note): 'Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut, signed Homer.' Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
* Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
* (Lisa): Dad, please, for the last time, I beg you: don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
(Homer): Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now, where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
* (Bart): Mo-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
(Marge): Bart, where do you pick up words like that?
(Homer on the phone): Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! ... I gotta go, my weiner kids are listening.
* Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
* Lisa, I can't imagine anyone could be more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.
(Marge): How were you a political prisoner?
(Homer): I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
you a picture?
* (Lisa): Dad, as you know, we've been swimming, and we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the only way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
(Bart & Lisa): Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad? Can we have a pool Dad?
(Homer): I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
(Lisa): The answers to deep theological questions.
(Bart): Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven.
(Homer): What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. Who told you that?
(Bart): Our teacher.
(Homer): I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us? Who roller-skate and smoke cigars?
* (Homer): You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
(Bart): Dad, what's the point of this story?
(Homer): I like stories.
* (Marge): And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
(Homer): Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes ... Now that's sarcasm.
* Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
