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©WildCat~DMI 2001

EXCLUSIVE STORIES!CELEBRITY GOSSIP!!SHOWBIZ RUMOURS!!!TRIVIAL RUBBISH ABOUT THE BLOODY BECKHAMS!!!!EVEN MORE LIES!!!IT'S ALL HERE!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE - GHOST'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN CARDIFF CASTLE (UTILITY ROOM)
The show was almost stolen from Ghost by DinoGirl from TF,who made a dramatic entrance through the roof wearing a very pretty but incredibly revealing green dress.Ghost cried because everyone was ignoring him.Everybody decided to give him the bumps,but they lost count after 100,000.Ghost cried again.
Ultra~DMI turned up late,paraletic,and promptly fell asleep in the corner!Baz and Renya~TbT~ couldn't keep their hands off each other all night long:but the biggest stir of the night was caused when Iria jumped out of a huge Q3 cake dressed as Crash(her,not the cake),and sang Happy Birthday to Ghost in a smouldering Marilyn Monroe fashion - Ghost's trousers melted quicker than the candles."That'll be 45 pounds,please",said Iria.Ghost cried again.
I hung around after the bash to catch up on the latest gossip:
CELEBRITY COUPLES
ON: BAZ & RENYA
TURK & KATNIP
OFF: STURM AND SAMBA GIRL - Sturm blew his chance with Samba Girl,the Brazillian babe,by saying to her:
"Nice trousers,love"
"I'm wearing a skirt.."
"Er..d'ya wanna borrow my razor?"



WILL IT LAST?: WISE & VAMPIROS - No.
WHAT WE ATE Welsh cakes,welsh bread,welsh pizza,welsh kebabs - all cooked by Leon~DKE
WHAT WE DRANK Welsh champagne,which flowed for half a minute before Ghost's mum put it in her doggy bag and ran off to the docks.Then we raided J4ce's drinks cabinet,and after ten minutes of drinking non-alcoholic shandy,we were bored to death and pretending to be drunk.Count~DMI made us all a nice cup of tea.
MY KARAOKE HELL
All of a sudden,the music stopped,then started again,as J4ce stepped up to give us all an impromptu performance of his soon-to-be released(from prison)single:'Urielalways On My Mind'.Following that,Lando stood up and did his best Luther Vandross impression,and Madwolf was pelted with bottles as he massacred 'Ice Ice Baby'.Finally,it was gatecrasher Felttipen's turn: "And now,I'd like to sing a song"
"Well why don't you then",said a heckler."Do you do requests?",he said.
"Why,yes"
"Well bugger off then,please"
This was more than Felttipen could stand,so he sat down.Then he bravely decided to go on spec,rather than fight.But everyone ignored him.Ghost rounded off this karoake nightmare by performing the entire Tom Jones back-catalogue on an inflatable sheep.Everyone cried.
(Above: Cardiff Castle,seconds after MadWolf started singing 'Ice Ice Baby')

Just as everybody was about to leave in a police van,a noise rang out:
'BONG!BONG!BONG!'
No,it wasn't Madwolf calling for his weed,it was....The Undertaker!!!!??!!!
"Hey!You're..not..invited...but it's ok,help yourself...don't kill me please,I've got a kid and 3 wives"",whimpered Ghost.
The Underpants,sorry,Undertaker made sure all eyes were on him,then shouted:
"Ah'm tellin yew,J~DMI,ah'm gonna rip your head off and stick your gauntlet up your nose!Your boy Madwolf shoulda let me join your clan!When we get to SummerSlam©(tm2001,all rights reserved),ah'm gonna destroy yew,'cos yew and Holly have knackered the ozone layer with your Mayfair fags!!".And with that,he was gone in a puff of smoke,or rather,a taxi.J came out of the toilets and said:
"Has he gone yet?"
Above: THE UNDERTAKER(not actual size) WAITING FOR J AT SUMMERSLAM
And so ended Ghost's birthday celebrations;we'll do it again next year,if he's still alive,lol!


*STOP PRESS!*
* This month's anonymous rumour comes from 'Steve' of South Wales-on-sea,who claims:
'Lord Baz of ~TbT~ fame,has been parading 'round the Q3 arenas dressed as Slash,and calling himself 'Donna'.Steve wouldn't mind,but his phone bill was £30,000 'cos he spent so long chatting 'her' up.'Steve' told WW! that for this crime,Baz should be shot at dawn - Baz replied that he doesn't get up til 12 anyway.
*Madwolf~DMI has overloaded on Q3 and has been admitted to rehab.A psychiatrist(Dr Psycho,dmi)said that the only words they have managed to get out of him were:'Lol','You have taken the lead','Three frags left','Bring it on',and 'Bo! Selectah!'
*Terra~DMI has pulled.Ghost didn't,so he'll have to pull himself.
*CELEBRITY WATCH*
This month,our roving team of reporters(well,me)has spotted...
*J~DMI coming out of Alldays pushing a trolley containing 3000 packets of Mayfair fireworks,I mean cigarettes.
*Sir Sirus TF and Butterfly buying sexy underwear in the Ann Summers shop.
*Terra~DMI entering a sex shop in Weston-Super-Mare,and emerging 20 minutes later clutching a copy of Razzle and a rather large box,upon which we could just make out the words 'Blow-up Lucy'.
*She Devil and Pink Floyd getting down and dirty in B&Q next to the Black and Decker drills!!
SOME DATES FOR YOUR DIARY
Social highlights of the month
September 7th - 'Moulin Rouge' is released.
September 9th - J~DMI's wrestling match against The Undertaker.
September 2003 - J is released from hospital.
September 17,2001 - WildCat~DMI's birthday(National Holiday) - Cheques to be made payable to:BT,and BeWise legging Co.,please!
*YOUR STARS - BY MYSTIC MADWOLF*
Pisces:You could be in for a trying time on Quake 3.Be careful not to upset those in authority - today is NOT the day to ask J if he enjoys embroidery and the music of the Village People.
Crapicorn:Romance is well-starred today,but only if you ring my special psychic hotline (calls charged at £3 per minute)
Salt and Vinegar;My psychic visions tell me that your lucky colour is '7',and your perfect love partner is 'Des O'Connor'.How do,I,Mystic Madwolf,know all these astonishing facts??Because I read it in an old copy of 'Women's Weekly'.Cya!
Thank you,Mystic Madwolf.I'll do another giant roast for you when I get home!Don't forget everyone,if you hear any scandalous rumours or salacious gossip about any of the stars of Quake 3,write them in my guestbook please!Until next time,this is WildCat~DMI saying...over and out!Byeeeeeeeeee!!!

WildCat appears courtesy of Deadman Inc.





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