Jonny Baby's Juice Factory


Jokes


Warning: Most of these jokes are really REALLY sick, so read at your own peril. P/S: Thanks Kelvin and James for your contributions


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Penguin Joke

One day a penguin was driving down the road when he noticed that he was having some car trouble.
He finally pulled over in a nearby town and took his car to a mechanic. As he was waiting for his car to be serviced, the mechanic told him that he had best get some food at the nearby restaurant because it would be some time before he was done.
Later, in the restaurant, the penguin bought himself an ice cream cone. Now, since penguins don't have fingers like you and me, he naturally got it all over his bill. Minutes later, he strolled back into the garage with vanilla ice cream on his face.
"Looks like you blew a seal here Mr. Penguin," said the mechanic.
"Oh no, this is just ice cream," replied the penguin.

Limerick

There was once a man from Bombay,
Who made a cunt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick
Turned it into a brick
And he shaved all his foreskin away.

Hooker Joke

A Guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and an absolutely gorgeous looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker asks, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? My God! No blowjob could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
The guy says, in awe, "My Lord, you own the whole city?"
The hooker replies, "No, but I would if I had a pussy."

Wrong Hole

An American businessman went to Japan for a meeting with some of the head honchos from Japan. He was treated with the utmost respect on arrival, fed an excellent dinner and given his choice of any of the beautiful girls standing before him.
He chose one and retired to the sleeping quarters where he commenced making love to her. He had her in the doggie position going at it, she was screaming hoya toya, he thought he was doing a great job so he just poured it on.
The next morning after breakfast he was invited to play a round of golf with the heads of the company. His counterpart sank the golf ball and to impress his Japanese partner on his newly learned words of approval he called out hoya toya.
The Japanese man looked at him and asked, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

Name For Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil and so on.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

"Powerful" Baby

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says "Had him circumcised".

Dishonest Doc

A doctor had a son who qualified as a doctor himself, and then joined his father in partnership. Shortly afterwards his father decided to have a holiday, and he left his son to look after all his patients. When he returned from holiday, he asked his son if anything had happened.
"Well,yes,Dad," the son said, feeling very proud on himself. " You remember Mrs.Jones, the lady whose back pains you've been treating for twenty years. Well, I've cured them."
"I see," replied his father, not very pleased. "Mrs.Jones's back pains paid for your university fees. I was hoping they'd pay for your new car as well..."

Gift Mix-Up

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Harrod's and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. The two items were wrapped up, and the guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love."
The girl received the package, read the note, opened up her gift, pulled out a pair of white panties and fainted.

Kiss My Ass

A young lady got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery. As a result, her husband offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night she and her husband were watching TV when she broke down crying. "What's the matter?" her husband asked. She said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Her husband hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
"But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
With which he replied, "You don't need to repay me, you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."

Sicko Doc

Howard had done it. Yes it was over. His carrier was over. He couldn't believe that he had done it.
However the voice inside him kept on saying, "Don't worry Howard, you're not the first person to sleep with his patient."
So Howard was reassured.
However, the second voice inside Howard bought him back to reality: "Howard, you're a vet."

Archaelogical Findings

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came across a cave. Written across the wall were the following symbols in this order of appearance: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. After months of study, they held a huge meeting to discuss the meaning of the symbols.
The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means if a famine had hit the earth, whereby food didn't grow, they would take to the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means that they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly an old man stood up in the back of the room and said: "You Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left! It says: "Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"

Wrong "Receipt"

Noah's Ark.
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said , "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you ? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!"

Terminal Men

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Strange STDs

Jarred is in bed with a girl and no matter what he does, he just can't seem to get an erection.
She says, "Come on, will you? Do SOMETHING!"
He says, "Like what?"
She says, "Put your foot in."
He sticks his foot in, and she has a merry old time riding it.
A few days later, his foot is swelling up, has a runny, red rash, and it's starting to itch.
He goes to the doctor to have it looked at.
The doctor says calmly, "Well, my friend, it seems you have gonorrhea of the big toe."
Jarred says, "GONORRHEA OF THE BIG TOE? Jeez, Doc, I bet that's pretty rare!"
The doctor says, "Yeah, it's pretty rare."
"Of course, it's not as rare as the girl who was in here this morning with athlete's pussy."

The "Other Way"

The Admiral's daughter wants to marry an ordinary seaman.
The Admiral is very much against this, so his daughter pleads and pleads, until finally the Admiral says, "OK you can marry him, but only if you promise me one thing."
"What's that daddy?" asks the daughter.
The admiral replies, "If he asks you to roll over and do it the other way, you must promise me that you`ll say no."
"OK daddy, I promise." she replies.
But this 'other way' plays on her mind, she must find out what it's all about.
So after about six months, she is so curious that one night in bed she turns to her husband and says, "Darling, if I roll over, will you do it the other way?"
He turns, shock and horror on his face, and says in a very worried voice, "What, and risk having babies?"

Free Oranges

This girl was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about it.
One day, the police rounded up a group of prostitutes and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting.
Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter.
She asked the girl,"What are you lining up for?".
The granddaughter, not willing to tell the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges.
Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the line taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her.
So, he asked carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?"
Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck 'em dry."

Even Splits

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's HIS turn with the teeth."

Borrow money 4 SeX

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John, who's a pretty cheap man, indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.
Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

NOT Mission Impossible

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night . She looks at her husband and asks, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it ?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it . That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."

Groovy Facelift

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob".
This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on several occasions, and I've loved the results. BUT... Now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry,Those aren't bags, those are your breasts". She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee..."

Teeny Misinterpretation

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she's very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet, and said in a stern voice, "Skippy!!!"
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!!!"
Once again the smiled and thought, 'yes!'
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from that nasty bitch before she shits on you!"

Fake Test Gone Wrong

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun . "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The Nervous Moment

Ron let his chin sink deeper into the cradle of his hands, sighed, and blinked wearily. The words of his English teacher were starved of attention; all he could think about was Allison, sitting two rows up and one aisle over. He couldn't see her face, of course, but her beautiful brown hair held him captive. In just another week, they would graduate, part ways, and Ron's chances to overcome his timidity would be gone.

He loved her fiercely, loved her warm smile and fluttery laugh, the elegance of her poise, and the crystal clear dewdrops of her eyes that seared his heart. But he was too shy to tell her about it -- curse that shyness -- and could only sneak sidelong glances at her when her head was turned.

The bell rang, jolting Ron to his senses. The end of another day. As usual, Ron and Allison would wait just outside the school's doors with the others who had to wait for rides. As usual, Ron and Allison would be the last ones to be picked up, and as usual, they would stand apart, wordlessly.

What heartbroken teenager could ask for a better opportunity than a quiet moment alone to strike up a conversation? Time and again, Ron had tried to break the ice, but his voice always caught in his throat. Then the moment would be over, and the opportunity lost. He'd try again tomorrow.

But he was running out of tomorrows.

Ron stood quietly amid the clamor of students just let out of school. He could feel his pulse pounding within him, in every extremity, and his heart felt like it would burst from his chest. He draw up his hand, extended his fingers, and tried to hold them steady. They quivered. He hated that.

What would she say? was always the burning question. He wasn't afraid of a mocking exclamation from her -- she had too much class for that -- but he didn't think he could take a false if polite mask of cordiality from her. The thought was too much to bear.

All this only served to make Ron more nervous. He turned his thoughts to other things and forced himself to calm down inside. The crowd was thinning now, and cars and busses were pulling out of the parking lot. The time was near. After an exasperatingly long time, yet sooner than he wished, they were alone.

He stole a glance. She was leaning against the wall beside the door, book pack at her feet, gazing casually into the parking lot. She was beautiful, Ron noted for the trillionth time, but what attracted him most was the life and enthusiasm in her eyes.

Talk to her, he told himself. Talk to her. But the more he urged himself, the more nervous he got, and with a sudden fear, he knew his failure would last another day.

No, he told himself, and something within him snapped. What could he lose? What could be worse than never approaching her at all? How much of his life would be spent wondering what would have happened if only he hadn't been so scared?

And then he realized something about himself. He wasn't shy. He was scared. It wasn't timidity that held him back but plain old fear.

If the thought of talking to Allison scared him, running with his tail between his legs displeased him more. Before his nerves could stop him, he turned and walked straight toward her.

He had done this before. He had tried to talk to her first by approaching her, to commit himself to his course of action without having to speak. It hadn't worked. He had backed out at the last second, pretended to be walking somewhere else, and passed her. In reality, he had nowhere to go and merely waited on the other side of the school building until her mother picked her up. But he would not do that again.

Allison looked up at him, and in that moment, Ron knew there was no turning back. His stomach was churning, and his fingers were twitching wildly. He thrust his hands into his pockets and hoped it didn't show.

"Hi," he said, and he could scarcely believe he had spoken. Had he, or was he just standing there like a dumb idiot?

"Hi," she returned warmly and smiled.

Oh my gosh.

"Uh," Ron said and realized to his utmost horror he hadn't the faintest clue what he was going to say. "I...just wanted to, uh, see if you were...ok." What the heck? Suddenly he felt foolish, and he knew only too well that this would be one of those moments he would remember for the rest of his life and wish he would forget.

"I'm fine," Allison said with a questioning look.

Ron nodded thoughtfully. "Ok," he said.

Now what? Turn around and walk back? He almost did but realized that would be just as awkward as standing there silently. Besides, the ice was broken. If he left now, he knew he'd never be able to break it again. What an embarrassing conversation this was so far.

"Um," Ron stammered one final time, and then the words just seemed to flow. "You know, I've been watching you for...I mean, not, like, watching you, but I wanted to, I've been trying to ask you for a while, uh...would you like to...go to the movies sometime?" He took a deep breath.

"Of course I would," Allison said, smiling even broader than before.

"Really?"

"You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to ask."

"Really?" Ron exclaimed, too delighted to contain himself.

"I've liked you for a long time, Ron," Allison explained, moving closer. "I used to hope above all hope that you would talk to me and ask me out. I never had the courage to do it myself."

"I -- I had no idea," Ron blurted, soaring in a dreamlike euphoria. "This is wonderful. Allison," he said, pausing at her name and savoring its taste. "Allison, I like you...a lot."

"I like you a lot, too," Allison said solemnly, looking at Ron with those piercingly beautiful eyes. Subconsciously, the two moved closer together. Ron felt the gentle warmth of her breath against his chin. His hands were still quivering in his pockets, but he no longer cared.

"I love you," Ron corrected, his voice low and even in spite of his inward elation.

"I love you, too," Allison breathed, and before Ron could question what he was hearing, their lips were pressed together. She kissed him firmly, wrapping her arms about his neck pulling him close.

"We've lost so much time," she said when their lips parted.

"I know," he replied, resting his forehead against hers. Somehow, his arms were around her; the realization was too much for him to contain. He hugged her tightly and gloried in her embrace. "I'm so happy!" he exclaimed, tears welling in his eyes.

"You've made my dreams come true!" Allison cried, moisture streaming down her cheeks.

"I love you!" Ron repeated, and Allison repeated it back. "Let's get married!" Ron blurted.

"Right now?" Allison replied in excited surprise.

"Right now. Let's run away together and elope."

"I'll never find anyone as wonderful as you," Allison said. "You're greater than my wildest dreams. Of course I'll marry you."

Ron had never been happier in her life, and he could tell from the look in Allison's eyes that she hadn't, either. Ron didn't know there had been that much happiness in the whole world. It was a miracle.

"Let's go," Ron said, holding her hand and leading her away. Allison jogged after him, their school books forgotten. What did they matter? They were in love, and they would be married and never be apart again!

"I love you so much!" Ron and Allison said together.

With high hopes and romantic dreams, Ron and Allison charged into the road, and a big truck ran them over dead.

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