felt like her head was on the softest of pillows. The Warrior Princess smiled as she slowly began to wake up from her deep, Island Goddesses-induced dream-scape. Blue eyes opened, looking into mischievous, brown eyes. Brown eyes? Xena groggily thought. She turned her head and noticed she was snuggled up against Colleen's breasts. The Warrior Princess jerked her head away from the co-ed's dreamy pillows and got up off the ground hastily.
"Um, you're not gonna tell Gabrielle about this, are you?" asked Xena.
"Not in this alternate reality or any other," chuckled Colleen. "I need to be
alive if I want to be the last Survivor."
Colleen climbed off the ground and stretched.
"I hope youse guys are about to wrap this up," she yawned sleepily to the skies. "I gotta get back to my full-time job as America's Sweetheart."
"We need to get back to the camp," Xena said, deciding she would never
understand Colleen's strange way with language. "My guess is that baby's about to be born and Gabrielle and Tapert may need our help."
Xena strode off in the direction of camp with Colleen following.
"The baby," whispered the bard.
Ares. The pregnant executive began to feel slight pangs in his stomach and across his back.
"I've gotten out of shape being a Hollywood mogul," he muttered to himself. The pain began to subside and he leaned against a tree, panting to catch his breath. He saw a door to a large castle ahead.
"Hmmm, a castle on a tropical island…oh, well, stranger things have
happened since I arrived here," Tapert said, rubbing his stomach. He
staggered to the door, pushing it open and stepping inside.
Tapert looked around. How odd, it looks just like a barn on the inside, he
thought. He turned to see a wagon, straw on the floor and hay bales
scattered around the room. The pregnant executive was about to explore
the castle further when he became aware of a presence behind him. Fear
skittered up his spine.
"Hello…Tapert," came a husky voice filled with gleeful malice.
Tapert turned and let the breath out that he hadn't known he was holding.
"Gee, Renee…I mean Gabrielle, you startled me!"
Gabrielle was standing before him dressed in her old BGSB. Her hair was
long and blonde, her eyes blue.
"Hope," he said, his mouth suddenly hot and dry and he knew that all the
Perrier in the world couldn't help him now.
Hope cocked her head and grinned. "I spring eternal…Tapert."
The pains were back and he clutched his stomach.
"Almost time," whispered Hope, circling him.
"Time?" whispered Tapert.
"Exactly how are we going to get that baby out of you?" she asked
conspiratorially.
Tapert's eyes widened in surprise and not a small amount of terror. He
hadn't even thought about how the baby might come out.
"Jesus," he panted. "Whoever came up with the idea of having me get
pregnant didn't really think it through, now, did they?" The irony of the
moment was, sadly, completely lost upon the red-haired, continuity-hating executive.
Hope laughed. Tapert was hit with sharp pains and he fell to his knees and doubled over.
"Help me, help me, please?" he gasped.
"Like you helped my mother when she was having me?" said Hope, her
voice low and taunting.
"Why should I help her? She's just..." -gasp- "...the...sidekick. And you
were just an evil demon."
"Half human, buddy," said Hope testily. "Too bad I couldn't have a shaft of
light redeem me, though," Hope mused, watching the panting Tapert with
an almost clinical interest.
"Livia is Xena's daughter. That makes a huge difference. She was destined for greatness and to be a spiritual leader of goodness."
"I'm sure the thousands of people she murdered and crucified will find that thought ever so comforting," replied Hope dryly.
"She was redeemed. It was a great storyline..." began Tapert.
"And so original...that whole bad girl redeemed, fighting her dark urges
while protecting and helping the innocent. That's not something you've ever done before," Hope said derisively.
"I refuse to argue with a figment of my nightmare. I'm having a baby and it hurts!" squealed Tapert. "Help me!"
Hope came over and helped Tapert to a pile of hay that was near some
barrels. She rolled the executive onto his back.
"OK, I'll help you. This should be fun...well, for me anyway," smiled the
blonde goddess as she brusquely stuck a straw pillow under the pregnant
executive's head.
"Better?" she queried.
"It hurts like hell!" Tapert muttered between clenched teeth.
"Tartarus, don't you mean?" said Hope.
"Hell, dammit, hell!" screamed the hormonal man.
The pains were coming hard and fast and Tapert felt sweat burning his
eyes, blurring his vision. He wiped his face. A woman with a head of
burnished bronze curls appeared behind Hope.
"Here. He can watch the flame," said Ephiny, placing a candle on the barrel beside Tapert's head.
She turned to Hope. "And you can…." She smiled as she handed Hope an
impossibly large knife.
Ephiny turned back to Tapert. "Just breathe deep and focus on the candle," she said cheerily, winking at the executive. "And hope like hell your kid doesn't have hooves!"
Hope held the knife lovingly. She turned it right and left to catch the light
from the candle and it gleamed wicked and sharp.
"No, no, no," cried Tapert.
"Baby's gotta come out somehow, Robbie," chuckled Hope. "It's either this," she held up the knife. "Or…."
"Or what?" blubbered Tapert.
"Well, sweetie pie, you're a guy. What other orifice do you have?" Hope
began to laugh with evil gusto. Ephiny joined her.
Suddenly a chorus of voices broke into a percussive chant. Tapert could
hear a full orchestra playing fast and furious music peppered with
Stravinsky-like rhythms.
"What the hell?!" screeched Tapert. Joseph LoDuca appeared from behind a hay bale.
"Hey, it's just me adding some atmosphere. You remember me, don't ya,
Rob? I'm the only one on the show who's won an Emmy." LoDuca winked
and disappeared, leaving the gape-mouthed executive staring after him in disbelief.
Tapert then heard an odd, skittering sound and turned his head to see a
giant rat perched near the barrel, eyeing him. It must have been at least
four feet tall. And to its side was an even larger snake.
The pains in Tapert's stomach became excruicating until only one thought filled his mind.
"Pussssshhhhh!" screamed Tapert. "Pussshhh! I gotta pusssshhh!"
Hope and Ephiny laughed on. The music was reaching a loud, crashing
crescendo and Tapert turned his head to see the snake devour the rat.
"Taaaahpiocaaahh, Taaahhhpert," it said as it slithered toward him.
And then the real horror began as the television executive felt pains begin in his… "Oh. God."
Tapert bolted straight up screaming. "Noooooooo!"
He felt strong arms around him and heard low, soothing nonsensical noises that calmed him.
"It's ok now. You're safe," said a gentle voice.
A cool cloth was placed on his forehead. Tapert opened his eyes to see
Gabrielle. He had just enough time to breathe a quick sigh of relief that the nightmare was over…when the first real labor pain set in.
