goddess-induced sleep and were nearing the Survivor camp.
Colleen noticed that Xena was agitated and kept glancing around.
"What's wrong?" asked Colleen. "Are your spidey senses acting up again?"
"It's just so quiet. Too quiet," replied Xena.
"Yeah, not much action by Xena Warrior Princess standards, huh?" said the co-ed, kicking a small rock along the path.
"It has been awfully talkative around this place," the warrior said wryly.
"Well, writing action is difficult," said Colleen.
"Are we back to that again, Colleen?" Xena asked testily. "Even if this is a fan fiction, Gabrielle and I are real. We're just…we're just trapped here," said an angry Warrior Princess. "And we're going to find a way home."
Colleen didn't agree with Xena, but she wasn't about to argue, either.
The twosome passed a small, beautiful waterfall. They walked further on,
past a group of green, lush bushes. Xena stopped, putting a finger to her
lips and motioning the co-ed to silence.
Collen nodded her head, holding still and very happy that the warrior was distracted. The bush began to shake.
Xena snarled and reached into the foliage, dragging two kicking and
squealing figures out by the collars of their raggedy t-shirts. The warrior
lifted them into the air and began to shake them like rag dolls.
"Hands off, Warrior Princess!" howled Soozin.
Xena's eyes widened and she dropped a snarling Soozin and hissing Kelly to the ground.
Just then the rest of the Survivors approached the surprised quartet.
"There you two are," sniffled Jenna at Kelly and Soozin. "I was beginning to think you were trying to dump us!" she accused.
"We were, you big cry-baby," crabbed Kelly.
"What were you doing in the bushes?" asked Xena who wondered if the two might be plotting something with the Island Goddesses.
"What do you do with Blondie in the bushes?" retorted Soozin.
Xena raised an eyebrow.
"Soozin was getting her Wiglesworth?" asked a surprised Colleen.
"Hah. She was trying," snorted Kelly.
"That's not what you said back there when I offered my…" Soozin noticed everyone was listening. "When I offered my flower to you," she finished, a hurt look on her face.
Kelly grinned and wiggled her studded tongue at the truck driver. "Can't touch this!" she teased.
Soozin dove for Kelly's throat. Xena stepped between the two.
"All right, all right, break it up you two love birds," said Xena.
"I hate you," seethed Soozin to Kelly.
"Liar," Kelly shot back.
"Yeah, you're right...for now," acknowledged Soozin as she flung an arm
around Kelly's shoulder. The two partners chuckled gleefully.
Xena sighed heavily, rubbing her forehead in agitation. She didn't know how much more of these rag-tag Survivors she could take. Her warrior senses began to tingle.
"Thank the goddesses," the Warrior Princess muttered. She addressed the rest of the Survivors. "Listen up, we need to get back to the camp and fast."
"What for?" whined Gervase.
"A baby's about to be born," said Colleen.
"A baby?" asked Sean. "Who's pregnant? Did I do it?"
"Tapert's pregnant. Don't you remember?" asked the brunette Survivor.
"That red-haired guy?" queried Sean.
"Yeah, Xener's booooyfriend," snarked Soozin. Xena threw the truck driver a glare.
"His name starts with a 'T,' so I haven't gotten to him yet," mused Sean,
happy to know he couldn't possibly be the father.
Jenna rushed over and threw her arms around Xena.
"It's so beautiful," she sobbed. "He's having your baby."
"For Gaia's sake, he is not having my baby!" exclaimed Xena, quickly
extricating herself from the bikini-wearing, blubbering mass of emotions.
"Now come on!"
Xena strode off toward the camp without a look back. The rest of the
Survivors fell in step behind her.
"You know, I'm pretty sure guys can't have babies," said Sean, the doctor, as they continued their trek.
Back at the camp, Gabrielle had made Tapert as comfortable as possible as she sat by his side, awaiting the baby's arrival.
"Are you sure I'm not still in Fifth-usia," Tapert groaned through gritted
teeth as he was hit with another labor pain. "It still hurts!"
"You're having a baby. They, um, they hurt when they come out," said
Gabrielle who wasn't sure where this baby was going to emerge since
Tapert was a guy with guy parts...as far as she knew anyway.
Gabrielle heard voices and looked up with relief to see Xena and the rest of the Survivors approaching the camp.
Xena immediately went to Gabrielle's side to see how Tapert was doing.
"Can I help?" asked Colleen, looking worried.
"Boil some water, we might need it," responded Xena.
Colleen nodded and set off to perform the task. The Survivors turned their heads to watch.
The co-ed poured water into two large cooking pots. She then took a pole and hooked it through the pots, kneeling down and putting her shoulders under the pole. The small burnette strained to stand up, wobbling a bit, and headed off toward the campfire to begin boiling the water.
"Looks like she's having trouble carrying that water," said Sean.
"We might oughtta help," said Rudy staring at the struggling co-ed.
"Naw, let's go see what's up with Tahhhpert," said Soozin.
"Finally! Something to do," said Gervase.
The rest of the Survivors trudged over to gather around the groaning
executive and the dynamic duo.
The bard looked up at the circle of Survivors. "Hey, you! Aren't you supposed to be a doctor?" she called out to Sean.
Sean whirled, looking behind him and trying to figure out to whom the bard was referring.
"Are you nuts?!" exclaimed Tapert. "I don't want him near me!"
"Gabrielle, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Xena said, surprised to be agreeing with the executive for once.
"He's a doctor. And even if he's a bad doctor, we're going to need all the
help we can get," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
"He couldn't tell a stethoscope from a chain saw!" Tapert managed to grunt as another labor pain hit.
"Hey," said Sean indignantly. "At least I know when the Wall of China was built. And there's no way that wall was around when Xena first met Lao Ma!"
The Survivors stared at him in disbelief. Sean gasped and clamped his hand over his mouth. He shrugged and grinned. "So what? I watch the show once in awhile."
Gabrielle decided to try again. "Please help us. The baby's coming!"
Sean giggled and shrugged his shoulders and pulled on his shirt. "I don't
know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, Miz Gabrielle."
"Get over here!" growled Xena, knowing the bard was worried about the
executive's safety.
Sean's eyes widened and he hopped over quickly. He didn't want to get his nose smashed again. The "doctor" plopped down on the ground, folding his legs under him.
"Well, I'll sit with you and observe since I obviously missed the day of
doctor class where we talked about how men have babies," he said affably. "Then I'll know what to do next time I run into this situation."
As Sean sat down, Tapert began to sob. "You hate me, you really, really
hate me!" he said to no one in particular.
There was sudden movement as if something was crawling underneath
Tapert's skin. Lumps appeared on his stomach, rolling back and forth and
scurrying up and down, distracting the executive from his sobbing jag.
"Wow. Altared States," sniffled Tapert looking down at the strange
movements.
Another labor pain hit and the executive began to howl.
The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances. They still had no idea how the baby was going to get out and the frantic movements from Tapert's stomach made them wonder if the baby might not be trapped.
Gabrielle turned to Xena and whispered. "You might need to help him like you helped Ephiny."
"I heard that!" yelled Tapert mid-howl and with super-human strength that generally only mothers in labor possess, the red-haired executive grabbed hold of Xena's copper armor, yanking the surprised warrior down until they met nose-to-nose.
"Druuuuuuugggggs!" he screamed into Xena's face, causing her hair to blow back as if hit by a gale of wind.
Gabrielle, completely nonplussed by Tapert's extreme emotions, quietly
patted his forehead dry with a cool cloth. "It's OK. Everything's going to be OK," she soothed.
Xena uncurled the executive's fingers from her armor, releasing herself
from his surprisingly strong grip. Tapert continued to moan, coming in and out of coherency.
"You're taking this all very calmly," Xena smiled at Gabrielle.
"Well, it could be worse...like Zeus trying to kill us with a thunderbolt,"
replied Gabrielle, thinking of their daughter and glad Eve was safe and away from this crazy, mixed-up world they found themselves in. "Xena, what about pressure points? Maybe they could help," asked the bard.
"I don't know, Gabrielle. We don't know where the baby's coming out. I'm
afraid using them might actually harm the baby or Tapert."
"Who cares?!" cried Tapert who had managed a moment of coherency.
"You're the daddy. Ease my pain!"
Xena's eyes narrowed. She chose to ignore the executive's claim on the
baby's parentage. The warrior knew there was no way to reason with him right now.
"Do something!" roared Tapert.
"All right," growled Xena as she executed a rapid set of finger punches into Tapert's chest and stomach.
"Not. Working," squealed Tapert as yet another labor pain rolled through his body and his stomach began to shudder.
Xena tried another series of pressure points.
"Now it's only blindingly painful instead of trapped-in-the-bowels-of-hell
painful," crabbed the ever-ungrateful executive. "You're supposed to get rid of the pain!"
Xena shrugged. "I'm afraid you'll have to go through this the old fashioned way," the dark warrior said to the sweating executive.
"Frickin' hell!" screeched Tapert. "This is a make-believe island with
dreamscapes, fictional characters come to life, Island Goddesses, and all
manner of bizarre and weird powers and they can't let me have a baby
without pain?!?!"
"That would sort of negate the whole torture, vengeance and learn a lesson theme going on here," offered Colleen as she approached the executive, carefully setting down a pot of hot water next to Xena.
Tapert looked up and around with bleary, blood-shot eyes, noticing the rest of the surrounding Survivors for the first time.
"Grrrrreat. An audience in my time of torture," he said.
"Would ya look at dat?" grumbled Rudy. "Damn queers having damn babies now. They'll take over the world soon."
"That's…like…an agenda, isn't it?" said Gervase.
Suddenly, a large, swirling blue circle began to appear at Tapert's belly
button.
