"Here, you keep it," said Xena.
"What am I, a pack mule? You've got more room to store this than I do,"
declared Gabrielle.
"I do not!" exclaimed Xena.
Gabrielle looked at the warrior in exasperation. "Well, there's a great
argument," muttered the bard. She snagged the map and began to fold
it…and fold…and fold…and fold.
"Hurry," said Xena, tapping her foot.
"Listen. I have to fold this up teeny tiny. There's barely enough room to
breathe in this outfit, let alone store important parchments," said the bard. "And why do I always wear such small outfits?"
"'Cuz you look hot in them," offered Colleen.
Xena narrowed her eyes at the co-ed. Gabrielle blushed. Colleen rolled her eyes, and grabbed the map.
"She just called you cute and you lost an argument to her. Do you think I'm intimidated anymore?" queried the co-ed to Xena.
"See!" exclaimed Xena to Gabrielle.
"What?" said a mischievous bard.
"I'll put the map in my shorts pocket. I've got plenty of room," bubbled
Colleen.
The threesome headed for the Island Goddesses’ hide-out.
fan-fiction reality, it had only been about five minutes. But the executive
was thirsty, tired and his belly button was sore. He was trying desperately not to think about Rich, the baby, or the Island Goddesses. He had to get away from it all and so he ran and ran until he simply collapsed on the jungle floor in exhaustion. Then he began crawling.
"Has to be a way out," the red-haired executive whimpered. "Has to be. I'm the power that be. The man with a plan. The dude with the...Hey, dude, where's my car," he giggled hysterically.
Tapert's head bumped into a hard object. He stopped and looked. He had
bumped into a shoe. Tapert stared blankly and then looked up
"Hello, mate," said a big, burly man holding a glowing, lavender pen.
"Are you an Island Goddess come to torture me?" whispered Tapert.
"Do I look like a god-ess? ‘Cuz I'm not. But I am the most creative
television producer known to mankind," replied Burnett.
"Nuh-uh. I am," chuckled Tapert deliriously.
Burnett frowned. He opened his mouth to argue, and then changed his
mind. Now wasn't the time. And what do I care about what this no-talent
American heathen producer thinks anyway? he thought.
The Survivor mastermind looked at his glowing lavender pen. The eerie
light seemed to be less bright than when he had left Gabrielle. There wasn't much time and he needed to get Tapert on his way.
"Would you like to meet the Island Goddesses?" asked the Aussie, deciding to cut to the chase.
"I'd like to kick their asses!" yelled Tapert, climbing up off the ground. "But I don't know where they are…or even who they are," he sniffled.
"I know where they are and I can help you," said Burnett.
"You'd help me?" whispered Tapert hopefully, clutching onto Burnett's shirt. "No one has wanted to help me since I got on this island…well, maybe Gabrielle, but she doesn't count ‘cuz she's just the sidekick."
"Of course I'll help you, mate. We producers gotta stick together, right?"
said Burnett, extricating his shirt from Tapert's sweaty grip.
"Yeah," said the red-haired executve, wiping his tears away and smiling.
"Yeah, we gotta stick together."
"Here's a map that will take you to the goddesses," Burnett pointed to a
spot on the map. He then turned and pointed to some hills in the distance. "That's where they are. Can you find it from here?"
"That looks like two large breasts," exclaimed Tapert noticing the rolling
hills for the first time. He snorted. "They would be holed up there."
Burnett brought Tapert back to the situation at hand. "Xena and Gabrielle
are headed to the Island Goddesses hide-out. They have a pen just like this. When it's on, the goddesses can't see or hear you," explained Burnett.
A huge grin spread across Tapert's face as he took the offered pen. "Get
out!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
"No, really, mate. It works. All you need to do is carry the pen, follow the
map and meet up with Xena and Gabrielle. Easy as American baseball and apple pie." Burnett held the map out for Tapert.
The red-haired executive's eyes glazed over. "I'm saved! This pen will
protect me from their song and dance madness!"
Tapert turned away from the offered map and began walking in the opposite direction of the breast hills.
Burnett frowned.
"The Island Goddesses are in that direction," he called after the retreating Tapert.
"Yeah, I know," giggled the red-haired executive. "I'm going to go find a
nice, quiet place on the island and just sit with this pen. They'll never find
me now. No more torture for me!"
Burnett was stunned by Tapert's cowardice. "You don't want to hide from
them! You want to rule them, mate!"
"No, trust me. I want to hide," said Tapert as he continued walking.
Burnett's steely producer mind scrambled. If Tapert didn't show up at the
Island Goddesses hide-out, he knew Gabrielle would come looking for him. Burnett had to try a different approach with the red-haired executive.
"Time for a little tough producer love," muttered Burnett. "So, you're gonna let the Island Goddesses win?" called out the Survivor producer. "Everyone will think the goddesses were right about everything, you know. That Season Five really was a pile of stinking poo. That you're a terrible producer with no creativity…"
"Yeah. That's about right," said Tapert serenely, stopping to stare at the
glowing object in his hand. "Preeeeecccciiioussss," he gurgled, his eyes
madly reflecting its lavender glow.
"…and that Xena and Gabrielle are much, much more than friends…they're hot, rolling-around-like-weasels lovers."
Tapert stopped. His eyes lost their glaze and came into focus. He turned
and snarled.
"That's going too far…mate!"
Yeah, baby. That's my Tapert. Come on, now, thought Burnett. "So the
Island Goddesses really are the Power that Be?" he said out loud. "They're the ones ruling the show?"
Tapert began to growl. "I'm the power that be! Me! I don't need no stinkin'
Island Goddesses!"
"Then prove it," taunted Burnett. "Defeat the Island Goddesses."
Tapert's shoulders sagged. "I can't. They're too powerful."
Burnett’s mind spun for a solution. Well, I’ll just lie…er…edit this outcome to my liking just like I do on Survivor, he thought.
"Oh, but you can. This pen doesn't just hide you from the goddesses, it's
also a weapon. It renders the Island Goddesses helpless and without any
power. All you have to do is stand close to them and -zap- they're gone."
"I don't want to stand close to them," shuddered Tapert.
"Do you want to be the Power that Be again?" questioned Burnett.
"Yessssssss," said Tapert, looking at the pen with awe and hope.
"Well, you've got everything you need to do it with right there, mate. Now, take the map. Go find those Island Goddesses."
Tapert reached out with a shaky hand and plucked the map from Burnett.
He began to read it over, looking up at the breast hills and back down. He
looked unsure and afraid.
"You can do it, Tapert," urged Burnett. "Do it for all the producers all over
the world who have ever been picked on by the fans."
"Yeah…" said Tapert, his shoulders losing their sag.
"You're Rob Tapert, executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess. You've got money, power and a really hot wife…"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm the Power that Beeeeeee!" screamed Tapert.
Burnett smiled. He climbed back onto his hovercraft.
"Good luck, mate," he said as he whizzed off into the jungle.
"Awww, jheeesh," complained Tapert, looking after the retreating Survivor producer. "Couldn't he have left me that little flying thingie? It'd make things easier. Man, I sure could use one of those around the set."
The red-haired executive sighed, looking at the round, luscious hills in the distance.
"Alllll right, then. Time to kick some Island Goddess booo-tay." And he set off for the hills.
Colleen had pulled out the map to check their whereabouts. She stopped
and looked up and began to giggle.
The co-ed burst into song "The breasts are aliiiiiive with some deeeeep,
deeeep cleeeeaavage…"
Gabrielle and Xena were now used to Colleen's odd musical outbursts and paid her no heed. They did look up and noticed two large, rolling, luscious green hills in the distance. Gabrielle walked over to check the map.
"That's the place, Xena. That's where the map says the Island Goddesses
are. They do kind of look like…well, you know…"
"Figures," snickered Xena.
The threesome continued their trek toward the hills when Colleen stopped again. She turned to her friends.
"Listen, these Island Goddesses are really, really smart," began the cuddly co-ed.
"Yeah, yeah, and beautiful and 'rrrrooowwwr…'" said Gabrielle. "We know."
"I'm serious," smiled Colleen sadly. "Maybe they're not watching you right now, but when they try to and they can't find you, trust me, those phat chicks will know something's up."
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances.
"But I can throw them off your trail," said the co-ed excitedly.
"No. We won't have you endangering yourself," said Xena.
"I won't endanger myself. I swear. Besides, the Island Goddesses don't
want to hurt anyone. I'm just going to distract them and keep them busy
while you find them."
"How are you going to distract them?" said an unconvinced Gabrielle.
"By being cute," replied Colleen. "It works with them. Really."
"Gabrielle, she's right," said Xena quietly.
"Yeah, cute women seem to be the Island Goddesses' Achilles heel," mused Gabrielle.
"OK, then. It's a plan. I'm gonna head back to camp, throw them off the
track and you two can find them and kick some bu…" the co-ed glanced at Gabrielle. "Um, talk. You can talk to them," she finished hastily.
The bard smiled.
"Well, guess I better get going," the young woman said.
"Colleen, wait," began Gabrielle.
The Survivor held her head high and kept walking away from the bard.
"Colleen," said Gabrielle again, hurt by the co-ed's seeming indifference.
The sweet brunette stopped and whirled around. "I'm gonna miss youse
guys," she cried, running up to the Warrior Princess and throwing her arms around the tall woman.
"Hey," said Xena, blushing when the co-ed finally let go.
"Play nice," warned Colleen to Xena.
The Survivor then turned to Gabrielle.
"That's an awfully emotional good-bye to people you don't think are real,"
said Gabrielle, a bittersweet smile on her face.
"Oh, you are real. As real as anything. And so is your love," Colleen said.
Tears sprang to Gabrielle's eyes. "Thank you," she whispered. The co-ed
and the bard hugged fiercely.
"Go on, you two. I have a feeling there's not much time," said Colleen,
tears in her eyes. She turned and fled back toward camp. When the co-ed
thought she was far enough away from the pen's protective covering, she
began to yell.
"Island Goddesses! Island Goddesses! Xena and Gabrielle are trying to
escape!"
Xena snarled, unhitching her chakram. "She's ratting us out. I'm gonna
have to knock her out."
Gabrielle took hold of the warrior's hand. "Wait," she said quietly.
Colleen continued to yell into the skies as she ran.
"They're heading to the south side of the island. They said they have a boat and they're going to sail away! They tied me up but I got away.”
Xena breathed a sigh of relief and put her chakram away. The south side of the island was in the opposite direction of where they were headed.
"Clever," murmured Gabrielle.
"She's a good kid," said Xena.
Colleen threw a brief, small smile over her shoulder at Xena and Gabrielle before she disappeared from their view deeper into the jungle.
"Yeah, and cute," smiled the bard.
Xena scowled.
"Juuuuust kidding," said the bard.
"Yeah, well, she hugged me first," said Xena as the dynamic duo as they
continued toward the breast hills.
