"Man, I didn't even say those chicks were like cows! It was Gervase! And he's probably still swinging his lazy ass in some comfortable hammock while I sit here...naked...in a cold, dark cave!"
"I'm still not clear on how you got here, Joel," said a sympathetic Tapert. "Then again, I'm not clear on how I got here..."
"I heard heavy breathing and something being dragged in here earlier. I assumed an animal had brought in its kill. That's why I hid." Joel explained. "Obviously, what I heard was someone bringing you here."
"But you don't know who?"
"No. It was too dark and I was...scared," he said, embarrassed.
"Maybe it was the same person that brought you," offered Tapert.
"You've been to the resort?" Fear began to creep into Joel's voice.
"Resort?" asked Tapert.
"That's where they attacked me," Joel said hesitantly.
"Who?"
"The...women..." whispered Joel. "The ones who thought I called them cows," he took a deep breath. "They waited until nightfall. We were at the resort bar. Each one of them, Sonja, Ramona, Stacey..." The hair on the back of his neck stood on end as he said the next name. "Gretchen..." He gulped down his terror. "They kept buying me drinks. They acted as if nothing had ever happened on the beach. I thought they were being really good sports. But then..." He paused for what seemed like an eternity to the action-packed mentality of Tapert. "Someone must have drugged me. Knocked me out Next thing I know, I wake up here, without clothes, without anything..." Tears rolled down his cheeks.
"How long ago was this?"
"A week, at least..."
"And you've stayed here the entire time?" Tapert couldn't comprehend such inaction.
"No..." Joel admitted. "A few days ago, I found my way back to the camp where my former castmates were still competing... I was going to ask them for a pair of shorts and then head back to the resort, but..." he drifted off into his thoughts.
"But?" Tapert prodded.
"I ran into Soozin and Kelly first. They chased after me with rope and a fillet knife..." He paused. "They threatened to decapitate Little Joel." He took a deep breath and began to cry again.
"Well, I'll be!" Soozin said to Colleen. "Looks like the Warrior Princess is dead. Again."
"No!" Colleen yelped and headed toward her newfound friends.
Tears mixed with raindrops and streamed down Jenna's face. "You're such a... a... a... b-word, Soozin!" And with that, she ran to accompany Colleen.
"Ouch," Kelly said sarcastically as she sidled up to Soo. "I guess she told you."
"Yah, sure, you betcha." Soo said flatly.
The storm receded as Colleen and Jenna reached the determined bard and the unconscious warrior.
"Can we help?" asked Colleen.
"I have to get some air into her lungs," stated the calm Amazon Queen. Gabrielle began performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her partner as the young beach bums watched in amazement. 200 yards away, just as it had done to hundreds of thousands of subtexters around the world, the red-hot chemistry between Gabrielle and Xena began to work its magic on Kelly and Soo.
Good Lord, gulped Soozin as the bard's lips met those of the warrior.
How hot would that be if they were both awake?
No such question crossed Kelly's mind, but only because her libido had blocked the passage of thoughts to her brain -- a hormonal version of Xena's pinch, if you will. Her body temperature shot up five degrees and her heart began to race. In the distance, Xena sputtered back to life as Gabrielle gently cradled her in her arms. Kelly and Soo's attention turned slowly toward each other. Their eyes met in that dreamy place between arousal and release. Kelly's mouth opened slightly in sweet anticipation. The newly returned sun reflected off her tongue stud and pierced the tiny un-Grinch-like part of Soozin's heart. Soo began to melt.
"Damn disgusting dykes!" Rudy growled in the direction of the gorgeous Greeks. "Get a room!" he yelled even louder.
Not surprisingly, Rudy's rough comments had the same effect on Kelly and Soo as the rain had on their campfire. The flame was quickly extinguished. Both women began to boil inwardly; equally horrified by their attraction to each other and pissed at the old man for ruining the moment. Kelly realized she had to save face immediately. She glared at Soo.
"Bitch!"
"Rat!" retorted Soo. A small rodent peeked out between her dishwater
blonde tresses.
"You called?"
Soozin grabbed the unlucky varmint and wailed it directly at Sean's crotch.
"Oof!" the doctor doubled over in pain; his face landing precariously close to the still sleeping Gervase's groin.
"What the fu...?!!!" Gervase exclaimed as he lit out of his soggy hammock, sending Sean to the ground. "How many times do I have to tell you and Rich that I don't swing that way?!!!" he trumpeted.
"Sorry," croaked Sean.
"Hey, who are the new babes?" Gervase asked as he noticed the two strangers returning to camp with Jenna and Colleen.
"Are there any dry blankets?" Jenna asked the uncaring onlookers. "We have to get Xena warm."
"I'll start a fire!" Colleen offered.
"That'll be the day!" Rudy scoffed as the co-ed set out to do something she'd not accomplished once while on the island despite numerous giggle- and groan-filled attempts.
Gabrielle settled her groggy love on a log facing the soon-to-be fire and began checking Xena's pulse and pupils for any irregularities. Jenna found a dry blanket in a crate and wrapped it around the shivering warrior.
"Thanks," smiled the appreciative bard. She noticed that Colleen was clumsily trying to ignite water-soaked wood. "Why don't you sit here with Xena while I start the fire?"
"Huh?" Colleen paused then caught on. "Okay." She plopped down happily beside the warrior who immediately took her aching head in her hands. "Oops! Sorry! No more bouncing. Promise."
Jenna positioned herself on the other side of Xena and gently massaged her back as Gabrielle set out to find some dry firewood.
"They're so pathetic," Kelly said disgustedly.
"They're in that 'I'll-do-anything-for-the-warrior-princess-haze." Soozin explained.
Kelly was impressed with Soo's command of the English language. "That's pretty funny."
"Yah, I just made it up."
"Liar!" said the recovered rat as he scurried out from under Sean.
"I knew you'd be a boxers man! Briefs are too constricting."
"I agree," Rob said as he stepped out of his skivvies. "Although I always keep a pair of Speedos handy in case Lucy wants to re-enact her Muriel's Wedding fantasy." He tossed his boxers to Joel and quickly put his pants back on.
"Muriel's Wedding?" Joel asked as he caught Tapert's donated underwear.
"Yes," Tapert went into full film geek mode. "It's a quirky little Australian film about a young misfit girl who finds solace in Abba songs and marries a South African swimmer."
"I saw that." Joel slipped into the first piece of clothing he'd worn in a week. "Didn't Muriel leave her husband and run off with her girlfriend in the end?" Tapert grew very quiet.
"Sonofabitch," Rob finally spoke. "I have to get back to camp!"
Who am I kidding? she thought. It's always my stomach.
"You should find something to eat," Xena said quietly. The bard smiled.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" asked Xena.
"Read my mind."
"It had nothing to do with your mind, Gabrielle. It was your gurgling gut." This caused the bard to chuckle quietly. "Go find some food."
"I don't want to leave you here alone," Gabrielle whispered.
"I'll be all right. Just tell those two cute girls to keep me company."
"Oh, that makes me feel even better!" Gabrielle joked. Xena managed an impish grin.
"Would you go if I told you that I was hungry too?"
"You know I would."
"Then go." Xena urged. "I expect you to return with a 10-course meal."
"I don't think you could keep that much food down," the bard said seriously.
"No, but wouldn't it be fun to see the reactions of these idiots if the great Warrior Princess were to hurl all over the place?"
"Xena..." Gabrielle shook her head. "Sometimes you can be so crude."
"But you love me anyway."
"That I do," she smiled.
They're all crazy, he thought to himself. Maybe they suffer from Mad Cow Disease, he chuckled internally at his own wit.
Tapert's thoughts, on the other hand, were not amusing him in the least. He kept replaying a recent script read-through where both Lucy and Renee complained that a fifth season episode where Xena fell in love with yet another bad boy was in total contradiction to the relationship that had blossomed between their two characters over the years. At the time, he shrugged it off as just a couple actors grasping desperately for some silly character and plot consistency, but now he wasn't so sure.
