Could Ares have somehow regained his godhood? she mused to herself. Maybe he found some ambrosia and ate it Maybe he didn't really lose his immortality when he saved Eve and me...
The thought of owing her life to the God of War made Gabrielle's stomach churn. After all he's put us through, to have to give thanks to him is just...ugh... She cringed and spoke out loud. "You can do it, Gabrielle. You are above hatred and jealousy. You can thank him. You can forgive him and thank him..." She sighed inwardly. "...and if he's really mortal, maybe you can kick his ass!" She chuckled at her own silliness.
If it isn't Ares, maybe it's the Furies. They could have sent us here in order to keep us out of their hair... This made sense to her, but something didn't feel quite right. She began to rehash the day's events. She and Xena had been on their way to meet up again with Eve. It seemed like an average, quiet day when, suddenly, she found herself falling to this godsforsaken island.
It happened so quickly, she thought. And then... Something had stuck out. And then Colleen said something about a fan fiction... Gabrielle mulled this over.
Aphrodite! Yes, that might be it! Aphrodite had once put a spell on one of Gabrielle's scrolls; whatever was written on the scroll came true. "Aphrodite!" she yelled. "Aphrodite! Is this your doing?" The bard waited for an answer. "Come on, Aphrodite. Show yourself."
At that, the divine deity came plunging from the heavens. Gabrielle winced as her friend from Olympus hit the ground with tremendous force.
"Aphrodite! Are you okay?" the concerned bard ran to help the Goddess of Love.
"Oof!" Aphrodite sputtered and struggled to her feet.
"Are you okay?" Gabrielle asked again.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!" Aphrodite yelled and pointed at the sky. "That is so not cool, you two!"
Gabrielle looked up and saw nothing but clouds. "Who are you talking to?"
"What?" the goddess asked, distracted by her own unkempt appearance. "Look at my robe!" she whined as she lifted the torn garment for the bard to see. Her gaze returned to the heavens. "You're lucky I can fix this!" She nodded her head and magically transformed her soiled apparel into a pristine new outfit. "Now that's more like it!"
"Who were you talking to, Aphrodite?"
"Pink really is my color, don't you think?" The self-absorbed goddess twirled in delight.
"Who sent you here?"
"Although..." Aphrodite stopped to consider. "I can pretty much make any color work. You, on the other hand, look so much better in this little red number." She pointed at the bard's ensemble. "That old bilious green sports bra was so 40 years ago."
"Aphrodite..."
"I mean, what were you thinking, anyway? A green top with a brown skirt? Come on!"
"Aphrodite..."
"And what's with the growing of the hair? You were such an adorable baby butch with the really short 'do."
"Aphrodite!" Gabrielle barked.
"Whoa there, Gabster! What is your damage?"
"My damage?" the bard repeated incredulously. "Let's see..." She began to tick off in quick succession "Xena and I, not to mention you and a few others, were cast down from the heavens -- and how we even got in the heavens is still up in the air -- no pun intended -- to this island that is populated with mostly nasty folk who claim they're playing some kind of survival game. There's a man who keeps calling Xena by a different name and making goo-goo eyes at her, but he was whisked away by the Island Goddesses whom only one person claims to have seen. There's another man who keeps calling me Gabe; Xena's already put the pinch on him once. And when she and I tried to leave here, we were stopped by a freak ocean storm that would have made Poseidon proud in it's timing and intensity. Xena was nearly killed and Joxer, or the ghost of Joxer, is roaming around here somewhere..." Gabrielle paused to take a breath. "Is that enough damage for you?"
Aphrodite's eyes moved slightly skyward. "You brought Joxer here?" she whispered, her perfect brow wrinkled in perfect confusion.
"Who are you talking to?!" Gabrielle insisted.
"Umm..." The goddess giggled. "I dunno! I'm a ditzy blonde, remember? It's what ditzy blondes do!"
"No, no, no..." Gabrielle grabbed the goddess by the elbow as she tried to turn away. "You're not playing that game with me. I know better. Now tell me what's going on."
Aphrodite sighed. "All I can tell you is that this was not my idea." She shook her head in exaggerated disgust. "I mean, Joxer? Hello? Dead man walking even when he was alive! Ick!"
"Forget Joxer."
"No problemo!" The goddess smiled; the buffoon already forgotten.
"Can you tell me who is behind all of this, Aphrodite?"
"I'm sorry. I promised..." The goddess stopped mid-sentence. "I mean, what makes you think there's someone behind this? Stranger things have happened to you and Xena."
"There are people following us around with black boxes on their shoulders and carrying sticks with phallic-type things attached," whispered the agitated bard.
Aphrodite snickered. "Oh, those are just cameras and microphones. Pay them no mind. They won't hurt you."
"Cameras and... What?" Gabrielle was getting more confused.
"They're devices used to collect images and sounds which will then be projected through the air to receptive boxes known as televisions. People will be able to watch the island's proceedings in the luxury of their own homes." Explained the goddess, matter-of-factly. "The concept has revolutionized human communication."
Gabrielle touched her friend's forehead with the back of her hand. "Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine, Cutie," she said, playfully swatting the bard's hand away. "You just need to concentrate on that which is most important to you."
"That which is most important to me?"
"Yeah. Ring any tall, dark, warrior bells?"
"Is something going to happen to Xena?" asked the concerned bard.
"That..." shrugged Aphrodite. "...is entirely up to you, Sweetcheeks." The goddess winked mischievously and disappeared in an explosion of pink and white hearts.
"But..." Gabrielle turned in a circular motion, realizing she wasn't going to get any more information from the devilishly cryptic Olympian. She groaned loudly and set out to find a suitable meal for her ailing companion.
"This is it."
"Are you coming with me?" Tapert asked.
"No way, dude." Joel said nervously. "I can find my way back to the resort from here."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I wish you the best of luck," the TV exec extended his hand.
"You too, man." Joel shook Tapert's hand. "I'll return your skivvies as soon as this ordeal is over."
"Keep 'em," Tapert replied sincerely.
"Wow." Nothing more need be said. The bonding now come full circle.
With a pat to his newfound buddy's back, Joel headed back into the jungle. Rob took a deep breath and set his sights on the camp before him. Soozin was the first to notice the red-headed stranger walking toward them.
"Here comes your boyfriend, Xener," she taunted.
The warrior lifted her tired eyes to see the approaching man and sighed.
"How did he find his way back here?" Colleen asked herself.
"Who da hell is he, anyway?" Rudy questioned.
"His name is Tapert. He thinks he's married to Xena." Colleen offered.
"What?" Xena asked disgustedly.
"It's hard to explain," said the compromised co-ed "His wife looks exactly like you. He thinks you're her."
"Meg isn't going to show up, is she?" the warrior worried. "I'm really not in the mood for her antics right now..."
"Gods, I hope not," replied Colleen. "She's even more annoying than Sean."
"I heard that, Cool-een!" he winked and smiled his best studly smile, furiously wiggling his eyebrows in what he thought was a seductive manner.
"Or maybe not..." Colleen decided. By now, Tapert was just a few feet away.
The producer/director neared the woman he thought he loved. "Lucy?!" Concern evident in Tapert's voice as he realized the dark woman was seriously wounded. "Are you okay?" he asked tenderly as he kneeled down before her.
"I'm fine," she assured him, not wanting to cause any unnecessary disturbances in her woozy state.
"You're hurt..." he raised his hand to her face but stopped when she moved back a bit. "You need medical assistance."
"I'm fine," she said more resolutely. Rob placed his hand on the warrior's knee. Her face automatically transformed into a fierce snarl. Tapert quickly removed his hand.
"Why don't you sit over here, Mr. T?" Colleen patted the open space on the log next to her. He reluctantly acquiesced and took a seat beside the spunky student.
"We really need to get Lucy to a doctor," Tapert whispered.
"Trust me, Mr. T," Colleen whispered back. "That isn't Lucy."
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Joxer moaned as he swung around just beneath Joel's hiding place. The ex-castaway noticed a small snapping turtle hanging from the bumbling man's right index finger. "Get off!" Joxer yelled as he propelled the turtle against Joel's tree. The force of the blow was so hard that not only did the turtle let go of Joxer's finger, Joel was knocked from his perch, toppling onto the hapless warrior wannabe.
After a moment of utter confusion, the startled men disentangled themselves as quickly as possible and jumped to their feet. Both eyed each other warily. Being an affable fellow, Joxer decided to break the ice. He raised his hand rapidly, causing the antsy Joel to spring backwards. Joxer studied his own hand with a creased brow, wondering if he'd finally achieved the terrifying status he had always desired.
"Fear not, kind and nearly naked friend," his voice boomed with bravado. "I come in peace." He grinned almost as goofily as Sean and extended his hand again.
"Sorry, dude," Joel took the offered paw. "I'm just a little jumpy."
"No need to explain," Joxer assured. "I know how intimidating it can be for a mere peasant to come face to face with such a fearsome warrior as I!"
Joel paused then began to laugh. "That's pretty funny!" he slapped Joxer on the arm, causing the deluded Greek to stumble into the nearby tree.
"Ow!" Joxer howled after his nose collided with the rough bark. "I hate
it when that happens!"
In the distance, a bird cawed. Convinced that it was Soozin or Kelly, Joel began to sweat profusely.
"Oh God..." he breathed.
"What?"
"They're coming!"
"Who?" inquired Joxer.
"The women!" Joel cried. "I have to get out of here!"
Joxer was amused. "Don't tell me you're afraid of some silly women!" he scoffed.
"You don't understand," Joel said in hushed tones. "These women are crazy."
Joxer bellowed loudly, causing Joel to cower behind a bush. "Aren't they all?" He laughed again. "Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't chain 'em in the yard. That's what I always say." He puffed out his chest in a ridiculously macho manner. "Trouble is, these days, women have forgotten their place. It's up to men like us to remind them. Heh-heh."
His rubbery face stretched into a self-satisfied smile. On cue, a circling female seagull relieved herself overhead and the earthbound substance landed directly on Joxer's homemade armor. "Hey!" he yelled as he looked up just as the gull let go another round. This time, the expertly directed dung landed just below his left eye. "Why I oughtta!" he threatened the feathered fiend with his fist.
This guy is a bigger idiot than me and Gervase combined, thought Joel. He'd make for a great diversion if I were to run into the Mad Cow Club again.
"That is just..." Joxer cringed and wiped the feces from his face. "...not right!" He pointed skyward again. "You'll rue the day you messed with Joxer the Mighty!"
The feisty fowl swooped viciously at his head, missing it by a fraction of an inch as Joxer lunged for the ground. While the angry gull returned to her lofty heights, the bungling simpleton crawled behind Joel and his protective bush.
"M...m...mommy?" he whimpered.
Joel could feel his companion trembling like a Chihuahua on crack. This might be fun, he mused. "Uh, Joxer?" he asked, hiding an evil grin. "How would you like to accompany me to a nice, comfy resort filled with hot tubs and beautiful, single women?"
