Last modified: Fri Jun 8 08:15:15 PDT 2001

Halloween Homo Quid Pro Quo: Consuming conspicuously in the Marina-land of conspicuous consumption

Dispersion of energy can be thought of as an increase of disorder, a loss of structure – entropy. Life gathers up energy and creates astoundingly complex order... at the inescapable cost of creating greater disorder in (individuals') surroundings.
-- Ernest Callenbach, in Ecology: A Pocket Guide (UC Press)

If you let me take one order at one table, I will make all these people go away.
-- Zombie diner waitress, to the door-blocking manager of Mel's Diner on Lombard, October 27

Great, come on in. "Relieved manager, quite unsure of how to deal with an instantaneous 200-strong freak siege

Oh good god, what's to say. After a roaringly successful night smearing Guerrilla Queer-ness into the tight, white, exfoliated, and moisturized pores of the Marina, a bulleted list of the evening's accomplishments seem appropriate. You may pretend you are all (the more than one thousand of you getting this email report) seated in a huge sexy conference room wearing your favorite millennial office outfit, making eyes at the professional-looking sex machine across the sleek GQB conference table. The meeting is called to order by a go-go boy with a gong. We begin:

1. To mark the Halloween counter-invasion (i.e. gays to straight neighborhood as quid pro quo to the vice versa tradition), a member of our crowd requested and received a spin of Michael Jackson's "Thriller" at the Trap Door (a.k.a. Back Door). All costumed sissies/dykes/friends were urged to report to the dance floor. A wild romp ensued, with the stiff-armed zombie-claw dance making a 5-minute comeback from the annals of MTV-choreography history.

2. After about two hours of gathering and dancing and drinking and wondering from outside and from within who was going to pay the Back Door's high cover charge (more on this in the GQB Accounting Department's report), the newly acquired GQB Big Megaphone was used with immediate and complete effect to clear the place. "Fags leave now!" was found to elicit enthusiastic compliance.

3. Parading from one bar to the next was determined to be as satisfying as swarming the bars themselves. Assisted by our exclusive MP3-player-to-megaphone technology (known as MP2M in the industry), our peak crowd of 250 or more was able to invest in the community by all singing "Tomorrow" from "Annie." Assembled revelers also appreciated the opportunity GQB afforded them to play hopscotch while unwitting pedestrians tried to board adjacent SUV's. As well, pumpkin bowling with live drag-queen pins was well-received, until that towering bitch Cruella DeVille smashed the gourd/bowling ball to a messy pulp under her enormous black heel.

4. Our social psychologist has determined that the presence of GQB's topless and well-stacked young woman did not lead directly to the non-GQB-affiliated straight guy fight, but the three sailors busy setting an endurance record for making out on bar stools might have provoked them in some way.

5. As in most of our experiments thus far, the bartenders loved us. The guy at Bar #2 was leaning over the bar, begging us not to go as we headed out to Bar #3. (The places looked kind of the same, called Marina Cocktails and Horsehead Tavern, and I think they were both on Chestnut. Hell, those places all look the same in broad daylight, when they aren't thronged by a silly mob of queer Halloweeners.

6. Traffic on a four-lane thoroughfare will stop for a volatile-looking group of more than 200 costumed marauders. The cover of darkness might help.

7. Many unsuspecting straight people in bars on a Friday night are incredibly flexible and accommodating of a vulgar, festive, surprise infestation such as ours. A few were observed sniffing savagely under their breath and making a beeline for the door. Either way, they got plenty to ponder.

The Accounting Department apologizes for a lack of information about projected outlays for the evening of 10-27. Warning about the totally unexpected $10.00 cover charge at the first venue would have helped people decide whether to come early or join us late. We sincerely hope this fee did not frustrate overly. Financial obligation will continue to be a deciding factor in planning future events. In other words: Cheap people are just fine with GQB.

NOTE: Some risk of some slight inconvenience should be assumed at each experiment/party, due to the nature of the beast and the philosophy under which we operate. Market report: Tap beers still hover at just below $4.00 a pint at most area bars. Yippee.

Thank you all for attending this project status/research-and-development meeting. We look forward to a continued successful partnership (and to some one-to-one partnering, too, yowza!) in the future, as our market share increases and the fun bullshit multiplies. Please review the following tidbit from our developing philosophy on your way out:

On these outings, as in other more substantial situations: Don't just have a good time, make a good time. Don't wait for the world to get better on its own, get your self doing what you want to see done.

P.S. This little benediction is not about voting, but that's a good idea, too. GQB advises gathering in a supply of your favorite drug of choice for Tuesday evening, from cigarettes to soda to angsty poetry to ice cream to booze to other things. With no small supply of bozo national politicians and ill-conceived local ballot propositions, it could get real ugly. So go vote, then duck.