Class of Nuke 'Em High
(1986)
Located right next to the Tromaville Nuclear Power Plant, the school is the first place to be affected when the plant has a spill, contaminating the water supply with toxic waste. One nerd realizes that nuclear waste ain't good for the body, as he begin to foam green sludge at the mouth and beat up his fellow classmates in the middle of Physics! After the dork takes a header out the second story window, he writhes and dissolves until he's nothing more than a stain on the sidewalk... another great Troma opening!
This isn't the only oddity happening at Tromaville High lately, as the Honor Society has degenerated into a gang of rule breaking 1980s common street thugs, calling themselves "the Cretins" as they sell radiation contaminated joints to their less punk-esque classmates! Meanwhile, amongst this chaos and fallout, happy high school sweethearts Chrissy and Warren are trying to forge a lasting relationship based on monogomy and chastity, despite the urgings-on of their friends. We know this will never last in a Troma flick, where "innocence" and "purity" are just metaphors for "target"! This holds true, as the two take a hit off one of the nuclear doobies at a frat party. The "atomic high" makes them both horney as rabbits on extacy and the two finally give in and fuck till the sun cums up!... and yes, that's supposed to be a joke, not just a typo.
Now, the story turns into a demented After School Special, as both begin to have horrible weed induced nightmares. Chrissy dreams that she becomes ultra pregnant, sprouting a "mother-to-be gut" in a matter of moments, then witnessing in abject terror as a little green tail flails about from her navel! As for Warren, his dream starts off okay as, despite some irradiated facial blemishes, he grows a massive pecker that would put Tommy Lee's to shame! This all goes wrong though, as Warren loses his endowment, getting it replaced instead by large swelled tits that begin to lactate green liquid... truly scary. But, both awaken, and it's back to life as normal.
Back at the school, the Cretins continue to torment everyone from students to faculty (sadly though not harrassing John Stewart or Robert Patrick, who are in a different movie... nevermind), forcing dweebs to buy their radioactive dope and even seducing the German teacher and making her one of them! Later on, some of the Cretins (one of which looks kinda like Judge Reinhold) mug an old woman, only to be confronted by Warren, who, in his anger and rage, mutates and gains super strength, not unlike the television version of the Incredible Hulk (only gorier)! The Incredible Warren then proceeds to kill two of the bad guys, on courtesy of a radiated forearm down the throat, and knocking out a third before wandering off in his bubble-headed psychosis!
As for Chrissy, she goes about her daily grind of cheerleading and such, until her practice is interrupted by a sudden pregnancy! However, lucky for the timid co-ed, the little spawn of her love with Warren comes up through her throat and out her mouth, instead of worming it's way out her birth canal! After *hwarf*ing up the mutant sperm, she runs from the bathroom screaming, leaving another girl to come in and flush the little monster before it can do any harm. Warren's evil man seed hs it's journey re-routed though, as the sewage pipe winds up breaking, dumping the beastie into an open barrel of toxic waste... why that's in the school basement I'll leave up to you. In this radioactive womb, the demonic tadpole grows big and strong, becoming a ravenous, ooze dripping monstrosity! The creature's first victim is some boob from the power plant who winds up monster chow.
Meanwhile, our pals the Cretins are rather upset because their recent antics have finally gotten them suspended from school. So, always ready for some revenge on society, the former preppies stage a fake nuclear spill alarm, evacuating the school! Once everyone's out, it's fun time as the Cretins drive their motorcycles through the hallowed halls, graffiti tagging shit and destroying everything else! The leader of the gang, along with his ex-English teacher girlfriend, kidnaps Chrissy, leaving Warren to save his damsel in distress. He better hurry too, or Chrissy won't have any nipples for him to molest by the time he gets there! Not to worry though Warren, because your iligitimate irradiated offspring is also wandering the halls, and he's got a craving for Cretin!
But, when there are finally no more Cretins to play with, tall, green and spikey developes an Oedipus complex, heading for momma Chrissy. But, using knowledge picked up previously in the flick, Warren uses the science department's laser (something my school science department sadly lacked) to zap his evil son. The laser interacts with the monster's radioactive genes, causing a chain reaction that blows the monster, and the school, all to Hell. Now, with no more punked out preppies, and their bloodthirsty offspring gone *boom*, Warren and Chrissy live happily ever after... unless the other mutant sperm that crawls from the smoldering rubble of the school will have anything to say about it.
NUKE 'EM HIGH is deffinately up there as a mastery of Troma, holsing true to the standard Troma formula which still exists today! You can't beat sex, drugs, toilet humor, toxic waste, and graphic violence! Oh, there's also rock 'n' roll I guess, so it's all there! The only thing NUKE 'EM HIGH really lacked was effective acting. This too, unfortunately, is a Troma mainstay, though the corny, over-the-top (and no, there's no Stallone arm wrestling) acting actually works with the other elements. Also, you gotta love the wacky facial expression! I think it was master philosopher Euripedies who said, "When in doubt, stretch your face out".
Sequels: CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH PART 2: SUNHUMANOID MELTDOWN; CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH 3: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SUBHUMANOID
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: THE TOXIC AVENGER or TROMEO AND JULIET
