Oh man, before this, I thought FELONY was the worst Jeffrey Combs movie! Afterwards, my feelings had not changed. Fwwew! What a relief. Oh, don't get your hopes up, cuz this movie is still pretty bad. Just be relieved that it is, in fact, far better than FELONY. Okay, with that established, CYCLONE features Jeffrey Combs, the luscious Heather Thomas, Martin Landau, and... Tim Conway Jr.?! Hmmmm, I must've missed out on DORF REPRODUCES. Oh well. Anyway, Combs plays Rick: a scientist with a really SUCK-ulent girlfriend named Teri, and a fancy space age motorcycle he's been working on. Yes, I know, you're probably laughing your ass off thinking of a Jeffrey Combs flick where a souped-up moped is the ultimate weapon, but read on. While he and Teri are jivin' it up at a nightclub, Rick gets an ice-pick shoved into his neck by some punker assassin! Teri manages to evade her killer, but now she's stuck without her geeky boyfriend. Where as most girls would just throw on some hooker heels and go shopping for a new guy to leach off, Teri instead decides to complete Rick's supercycle and sell it to the US Army, just like Rick had planned to do. Well, before that whole ice-pick thing... Luckily for her, Rick did the Bob Vila thing and left her a "how to..." video to help her finish up. I think it's funny that the stupid motorcycle is so important that Rick made a tape to tell Teri how to finish it, instead of a tape of him reading her love poetry to remember him by. Or, at the least, a video of him beatin' his meat or something. Teri gets the bike up and running, including it's "oxygen-to-power" energy source, and heads off to sell the bike. But, just as she's about to deliver it to the government agent, up pop a station wagon o' goons (which soon becomes a convertible)! The goons shoot the agent, then chase down Teri, ultimately losing her as she escapes on the CYCLONE. The goons work for this big time crime boss named Boserian (Landau), who wants to sell the CYCLONE's super duper new power source to a Japanese contingent. When Teri goes to her friend Carla for help, she gets a rude awakening, when it turns out Boserian has already gotten to Carla, and she's one of them! Capturing Teri, the bad guys set her up for a little electroshock on her inner thighs. Seeing Heather Thomas in that vulnerable state, two words come to mind: DINNER TIME!!! Anyway, just as the goons are about to give Teri a fried clam, in busts a commando chick armed with uzis, who saves Teri. The two then grab the CYCLONE and make a run for the hills, hopefully to fulfill a fantasy of mine involving coconut butter, strawberries, and hot candle wax! MREOW!). After another car chase scene, complete with gun play, car wrecks, laser beams, and fireballs, Teri defeats the bad guys, all to the tune of a "Miami Vice" rip-off. She then brings an end to the madness by destroying the oxygen transformer... when she throws it into a puddle. Boy Rick, for being advanced technology, that's some of the shittiest craftsman ship I've ever seen! Oh, and Boserian gets wasted by the Japs when he can't supply the converter. To wrap it up, the whole flick is dedicated to some guy named "Dar". Wait, Marc Singer's character in BEASTMASTER?! What the fuck? Okay, despite some weak acting and some "saw 'em a mile away" surprises, this flick has at least a few things going for it. First, it had Jeffrey Combs, all be it for a short time. Secondly, it had that drool inducing Heather Thomas, in spandex at one point! Finally, there were a few good lines in this flick, including: "You're as plastic as your tits", and "Do the words 'fuck you' have any special meaning to you?". You get down with your bad-self girlfriend!... or something.

Sequels: None

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH or any Cynthia Rothrock flicks!