Dracula 2000
(2000)
Our film takes place in the present, opening in London, England. Matthew Van Helsing, the descendant of vampire slayer Abraham Van Helsing, continues on the family legacy... of antiques dealing. Along with his secretary Selena and his assistant Simon (Jonny Lee Miller of HACKERS and TRAINSPOTTING), Matt's made quite the little fortune for himself in the world of old appliances and weaponry. But, his rarest possession sleeps in a silver coffin DEEP below his antiquity headquarters, locked and sealed in Matt's personal catacombs. Well, not content with retrieving coffee and wearing mini skirts, Selena decides to get together an elite team of thieves and thugs to break into Van Helsing's personal vault and swipe whatever valuable merch might be inside. No one's sure exactly what's down there, but with all the security and locked doors blocking the way it's gotta be good, right? Sure, if your future plans include fangs and eternal suffering. So, the goons make their way inside the vault and down the tunnels, to the resting place of history's greatest monster: Jimmy Carter! Actually, it's Dracula, but these guys think the silver coffin's just a mind game to scare off jive turkeys and keep them from the "riches" inside. But, when they touch the antique corpse holder, two of the guys are instamatically introduced to painful deaths, when iron spikes drop from the ceiling and turn their vital organs into swiss cheese! Mmmmmm, perforated. The other goons, not ones to come up empty handed in situations like this, grab the coffin (which seems to have absorbed the crimson splattered on it), blow a hole in the wall, and escape into the sewers with their prize. Matt arrives just in time to be too late, as it looks like he's doomed humanity by preserving the monster instead of destroying it... a family of geniuses those Van Helsings.
Elsewhere, lovely young college girl Mary awakens in her New Orleans home after a vampiric nightmare. What role does she play in all this? That takes a little while to piece together, but it'll all work out in the end. Back in London, Simon checks on Matt following the news of the robbery. When Simon suggests that Matt report the situation to the police, Matt suspiciously decides not to, defending his decision by saying that some of the antiquities stolen were obtained by "not-so-legal" means. Since the casket holds something/someone very important to Matt's collection, he decides to hunt down the criminals himself, with Simon staying behind to look after the shop. Speaking of that oversized Coors Light can, it's in the thieves' personal jet plane, on it's way to the Americas. One of the crooks (Danny Masterson actually, of "That '70s Show") manages to pop open the ominous chest. Inside he finds a really skinny and pale dude, on whose crotch rests a crucifix. The guy's also wearing a helmet to conceal his face and his body is covered with leaches... which would explain the scene earlier where Matt was shooting up on leach blood... wait a minute, if he's living off of Dracula's blood, what if he's not Matthew Van Helsing, but really Abe Van Helsing, the guy who captured Drac in the first place those 100 years prior? Yep, I'll bet that Abe was infected by Drac's blood and is a vampire. And, to keep himself from giving in to the bloodlust, he has the leaches drain the subdued Dracula, not only keeping him weak but also allowing Abe to feed his hemoglobin addiction! Hmmmm, immortality without the moral corruption. Could it be that Drac was just kept alive so Abe could abuse him in his condition? Ha, Van Helsing is nothing more than a common addict! Nice twist there.
So, as to stick with the law of Hollywood catalysts, the criminal takes the cross off of the monster's crotch, squishes a few leaches and the Prince of Darkness is free once again. Quite unhealthy looking after his decades of being locked in bed, the Count strikes out, killing everyone of his liberators on the plane and sending it careening into da bayou! Meanwhile, the lovely Mary once again begins to hallucinate, viewing the entire situation as it happens! Her friend Lucy wakes her up yet again though, possibly saving her from eternal damnation... and nestling her head to her bosom! Chicks in vamp flicks are always nice an kinky, heh heh. Soon after, we're told that Mary never really knew her father. Her mom was rather annoyed with the old man and ran off with Mary. They wound up in New Orleans and her mother died not long after. Now do you see? Mary is obviously the daughter of Matt, errr, I mean, Abe! Why else would he know to go to Mardi Gras? After all, I doubt he's there to get completely blitzed and bare his tits for plastic necklaces... well, we can HOPE that's not why he's there... Elsewheres, reporter Valerie (Jeri Ryan of "Star Trek: Voyager") and her cameraman are reporting on the downed plane after day fall, when who should rise from the murky depths but Drac, sporting the "wet" look and hungry for some tender newswoman meat! Yes all your Trekkies out there, Dracula's getting what you've all wanted and all you can do is look on in jealousy!
Nearby, in the small town of Clark, where the bodies from the wreck have been taken for coronary purposes and they make those wretchedly addicting Clark bars, Mr. V(anHelsing) arrives brandishing some old skool vamp killing weapons to wipe out the soon to arise minions of Dracula. But, Simon arrives too, against Mr. V's orders and is enlisted in the aid against the bloodsuckers, though he doesn't believe or understand just what the fuck is going on! Well, guess he'll just have to adapt to the situation, as the dead criminals rise for seconds. While Mr. V wipes out a few, Simon has a confrontation with the gang's former leader. When he raises a cross to the guy, the vamp just smirks, "sorry, I'm an atheist". Simon then pops a very sharp blade out of the bottom of the cross, replies with "God loves you anyway" and proceeds to JAM the knife into the villain's eye... OUCH! Probably one of the film's funniest and coolest moments. Soon enough the sound of sirens fills the night and Simon and Abe are forced to escape, leaving vampire Selena for the fuzz to pick up. After all, how do you explain mutilating a bunch of seemingly dead bodies in the middle of the night? This seems like as good a time as any for Abe to explain the situation to Simon. Abe says that the reason he kept the lord of the vampires alive for so long was because he refused to die by standard methods of vampire slaying. So, he captured the monster and, after being infected by Drac's blood via an overzealous goon-for-hire, decided the only thing to do was live off of the monster's blood until he could find a way to destroy him. And, after a century of experimenting, all he found out is that Drac gets a crippling and painful rage when he's confronted by items of the Christian religion. Hey, I double over in agony when I'm confronted by the brainwashed zombie followers of Jeezus Kryst too, but does that make me a vampire? I've seen the light, and it burns me horribly, but am I immortal and do I drink blood? Well, I AM immortal and I DO drink blood, but that has nothing to do with a hatred of the Christian faith!
Also, Mr. V informs Simon that he's come to New Orleans to find his long lost daughter, who Dracula is tracking via her blood... which is understandable, since her blood is partially HIS! Mr. V's daughter? Well, what a "surprise", it's little miss Mary the Hallucinator. So, now Simon and Mr. V are out to find Mary before it's too late. As for Mary, she continues to fight her demonic visions and tempting offers for eternal damnation while Drac does his own thing and breaks Selena out of jail. Right after this, Drac discovers a new found love: Heavy Metal music! More precisely, the boys of Monster Magnet. He also meets Lucy in his search for Mary, and no surprise, she winds up snagged on Vlad's sweet tooth. Damn, that guy gets more bumper than a friggin' body shop! Meanwhile, Simon finds Mary first. She's not exactly keen on the words he's telling her, so she runs off. As for Simon, he runs into a obstacle, unfortunately for him, this obstacle is shaped like that vamp he stabbed in the eye back in Clark! Now, sporting a new contact lens and in the mood to kick some garbage bins around, he's back for revenge! It all proves futile though when he learns you should, "never, EVER fuck with an antiques dealer", as Simon stabs him in the guts with his silver knife and lobs the bastard's head clean off his neck, getting the three-pointer as the homie's noggin *swoosh*es into a dumpster... man, Jonny Lee Miller can be cool when he has to be, especially with that English accent! Back at Mary's house, Mr. V hasn't found Mary, but he HAS found Dracula! The two struggle, Vlad makes fun of Mr. V for being an old fart and tosses the walking fossil into a big mirror. The result? A big shard of glass and steel planted in his head... OUCH x2! Goodbye Mr. Van Helsing, hope you enjoyed your time on Earth, cuz it's a lot more than most people get!
Mary, after escaping that crazy Simon, returns home to find the father she hardly knew dead under her roommate's bed with a big wooden bed post through his throat... Honey, I'm home! She's confronted by Drac's feminine followers too: Selena, Valerie and her old pal Lucy, all baring their fangs and climbing the walls. She then gets her first one-on-one with the Dark Prince himself, who transforms into a wolf and chases her out the front door. She lucks out as Simon suddenly appears to make the last minute save, scaring Drac into transforming into a flock of bats and flying off. Maybe now Mary will listen to what Simon's sayin? She does actually, and the two go to the local libary (that was an intentional typo by the way) to do some research on the origins of evil and some background on the disease of Christianity. The count stops in to disrupt study time and the chase spills out into the nearby graveyard. Vlad gets his talons on Mary and they disappear into a poof of cheap magician smoke. Guess Simon's back on the hunt. Instead of fang face, Simon finds the titty trio, hungry for some British cuisine. Hey babes, I got some fish and chips for ya to suck on! I'm so smooth with the ladies... heh heh, unless of course my fiance's watching...
Simon manages to plant his wood between Valerie's admirable cleavage (by "wood" I of course mean a wooden stake) before getting clocked on his headpiece by Selena, knocking his ass out cold. Meanwhile, upstairs on the roof, Dracula has a little chat with Mary about the selfishness of Jeezus and how the guy never paid attention to his pals, especially those who did so much for him, like Judas... A.K.A. Count Vlad Dracula! That's right, after selling out his buddy the hippy, Judas tried to hang himself. But, the rope broke, not as a miracle, but because "God" wasn't too happy with this prick Judas being responsible for his son's death. So, "God" cursed Judas for eternity to roam the Earth alone and unhappy with nothing but a vampiric blood virus to keep him company. Well, I think God fucked up, because Judas sure seems to be enjoying his "punishment"! I mean, look at what he's got: immortality, he can kick anyone's ass, he's got more pussy than an old lady with a house full of cats and he helped kill Jesus! Not to mention he was well paid for his betrayal. What more could this bastard want?! To answer that, he wants Mary. Jesus had his Mary, now Judas wants his. Biting her while he relays his origin to her, he just might have that too, as he transforms her into one of his! Now though, she has to pass the final test: kill and drain Simon. Though it'd be an amusing and albeit tragic finish in a vein (haha, I make a funny) with THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK, that end is not to be. Instead, she fakes it and frees Simon, decapitating Lucy in the process.
Now free, Simon fights it out with his would-be love Selena and Mary makes a bee-line with her silver knife toward Drac. Simon finishes the job with some hedge clippers (OUCH x3!!!) and Mary gets her ass beat all over the roof top. Drac throws her into a big neon crucifix, but this turns out to be a bad move for him, as she lynches the fiend with the stray electrical wires now hanging from the sign! Jumping over the ledge with him, she hangs the fuck as the painted eyes of Jeezus look down on the situation. Mary winds up falling from her Judas to the hard concrete below as the vampire is finally forgiven for his sins and torched in the oncoming sunlight. So, he WAS killed by standard vampire slaying practices... this is interesting, as you'd think that, if he were really attempting to kill Dracula all this time, that Mr. V would've tried sunlight... could it be he was really an addict to the count's blood and the prospect of being immortal? I' d like to think so, it gives the film this whole REQUIEM FOR A DREAM deal. Anyway, Mary and Simon get together, move to England, take over daddy Van Helsing's antique business and Mary deems herself the new watcher of Vlad's smoldering remains. Game over kids.
Despite critical dislike, I enjoyed this flick. Were I not a "don't knock it till you've tried it" kind of guy, I would've taken one look at this flick, spat on it and stormed out of the video store with some Jackie Chan movies. But, feeling a need to expose myself and my site to as much of this horror, sci-fi and fantasy shit as possible, I picked up DRACULA 2000, I walked to that register, I paid my two bits and I walked out with only that slightest bit of shame. Then, when I returned the next day, I slipped that DVD into the drop box with a small smile on my yap and mild wood in my pants... what can I say, I now understand what Trekkies see in that Jeri Ryan babe! I genuinely liked the twists on this version of Dracula. From the opening thing with Van Helsing being a vampire to the ending revelation that Drac is Judas, I was impressed, which is a surprise considering Lussier did nothing but edit crappy movies and Soisson wrote shit like TRICK OR TREAT before this break in their careers. Other than a couple small snags in the story, I thought it was well done and well executed by the crew. The cast was good, in that none of them were from "Party of Five", and it was cool to see Sick Boy in a different context. Yes, some of the acting did snag, but that's one of the reasons this wasn't a perfect five film, right? I also give knods of my cowl to the FX teams who, though required CGI to do so, did a great job on the eyes and fangs of the vampire transformations! Also, the soundtrack was nice and heavy, though there were a couple bands I would've booted simply out of hatred for the people in them. All in all I look forward to more out of Lussier, provided his films don't become as pathetic and toilet paper-like as those he's edited all these years! Same for Soisson: more DRACULA 2000, less TRICK OR TREAT! One final question though: was the gratuitous use of the Virgin Megastore and Virgin recording label meant for blatant product placement, or as a fang-in-cheek joke about the whole "vampires and virgins" thing?
DVD X-tras: Commentary track from director Lussier and screenwriter Soisson; extended and deleted scenes, both with optional director and screenwriter commentary; Behind-the-scenes featurette (where Masterson compares Drac to a pimp!); storyboards illustrations; audition reels for soe of the main cast; a theatrical trailer and previews for other Dimension DVD releases... those bastards like to pull this self-promotion crap all the time. This batch includes previews for the CROW, SCREAM and FROM DUSK TILL DAWN boxed triolgy sets as well as some other crap I don't feel like mentioning.
Sequels: Nope
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES or THE FORSAKEN
