DRAGONHEART is one of those movies that you either enjoyed, loved, was uninterested by, or just haven't watched. I'm one of the first, I thought it was pretty good as far as con man buddy flicks go, though it's not exactly the best fantasy movie I've ever seen. Probably because I had friends who told me it was awe inspiring, meanwhile the movie-going public tells me it's the same old crap, driven by breathtaking sepcial FX. So, as with most movies I hear mixed reviews on, I went into DRAGONHEART with an open mind and a pint of homemade toilet booze. And I came out in a state of confusion and momentary blindness, which I had to drive home in... wonder if Gods get immunity privileges in cases of manslaughter... Anyway, since I was far too out of it the first time, I went back to see it again, this time renting it from my local Video Purgatory for further analysis. Only this time, I left the booze in the porceline punch bowl, where it belongs.

Opening somewhere in 984 A.D. (I think in England or Wales), we watch in amusement as a mob of meager peasants are slaughtered wholesale by their crual king and his "we were just following orders" soldiers. Meanwhile, the impressionable young Prince Einon, along with his guardian/trainer Bowen (played by the poor man's Kevin Costner: Dennis Quaid), look on. In the folly, ol' kingy makes a big mistake, leaving himself open for a peasant attack. Mr. Fancypants dies in the melee, making Einon the new king. But, it's not long in his new position before he too screws up, and gets bumped onto a stray spike, mortally wounding him. Uh-oh, the guards better get the annoying young lad to safety soon, or they're gonna be left with no one to push them around and treat them like crap! Even after the boy is rescued form his own stupidity, there's still a problem, as there's only one thing that can save him now: serious corinary dragon surgery. Yep, the young prince needs half of a dragon's heart (hence the title) if he's gonna survive to be an adult asshole. In a nearby cave, the dragon (voiced by Mr. Bond himself, Sean Connery) is confronted, and offers to give up his heart willingly, on the condition that Einon agrees to rule his new kingdom under the fairness and justice of the "old code" (in other words, the dragons a Republican). The prince swears to rule without tyranny and the beast performs the operation... yeah right, we all know the kid's gonna be evil! Guess dragons never watch Disney movies... But, to sweaten the deal for the scaley creature, Bowen offers his services to the dragon, should he ever need them. Oh boy, now he can make a bad immitation WATERWORLD called AQUALAND. Or, he could put him to better use, like LEAD CUP or THE MAILMAN or even WALTZES WITH MONKEYS.

"12 years later", Einon has predictably become a junior Hitler, ruling over his subjects like they were toy soldiers in his microwave, giggling as they melt and ooze at his whim. In fact, now that I think about it, Einon looks a lot like Martin Short doing his Albino musician character! As for Bowen, he's still around too and really pissed at the dragon, whom he blames for Einon's change of demeanor. Sure, blame the fire-breathing lizard, we all know that power NEVER corrupts people, let alone white haired little bastards with bad tempers... Speaking of which, when we see Bowen again, we watch as he goes about his new career as a dragonslayer, while he hunts down and apparently slays (off screen) one of said overgrown salamanders. Take about a grudge! The guy's out to kill ALL the dragons! Our hero's a hate monger?! What is this, a Nazi propoganda flick?! Well, while Einon continues to whine and moan because he looks like such a douche-bag, Bowen finally works his way down to the LAST dragon, which also happens to be the one to whom Prince Prick owes his life. Bowen intends to slay him like all the other winged flame throwers, but the two get into a stalemate position, the creature sits him down and makes a deal with him. As long as Bowen doesn't actually slay the monster, the dragon will work with him in a little traveling scam. This way the dragon keeps his life and Bowen can keep his job, and everyone's happy. The start of a beautiful friendship :)

As for that bastard Einon, he continue to make the people of his kingdom hate him more with each passing day, as he taxes them beyond comprehension and tortures them if they don't comply... I keep expecting a bunch of guys in green tights and funny hats to bust in and save the day, but I'm getting my stories mixed up. In the midst of all this mirth and mayhem, Einon falls in love for the first time, as a spiteful peasant girl named Kara, who would like nothing more than the new king's head on the end of a spear, catches his eye. Bad guys always go for the plucky young lasses who will ultimately mean their downfall, must be the challenge. Either way Einon made her father's life a living Hell, and I doubt all his power and prestige are going to change her mind. As for Bowen and his cold blooded partner, they become fast friends as they swindle the countryside, scamming poor people of what little cash they have in order to further their own causes... and these are the good guys! As they become closer, Bowen does the human thing and names the beast, like he was a pet goldfish or something. He titles the lizard Draco, after the constellation of the dragon by the same name. The dragon likes the new name, and is actually HONORED by it, as in dragon myth (yep, they have stories too, just like the Christians) Draco was a hero or something, and he marks the path to Dragon Nirvana. If I could come up with a good variation on the name Kurt Cobain I'd make a joke here, but since my rather limited sense of humor denies me such a gag, I guess I'll just pass.

We all knew it would happen sooner or later, and sure enough it does, as our heroic duo and the tyrant king cross paths. When Draco and Bowen try pulling their scheme on one of Einon's villages, the boy king shows up to see what all the commotion is about. This leads to a long overdue fight between former teacher and student, as Einon tries to make the teacher the bitch for a change. The bout ends interrupted though, as Draco puffs a few flames, scaring off the king's goons and saving Bowen from death at the hands of a TOTAL pantywaist! Boy, Bowne not only owes Draco his life, but his reputation! If he'd been offed by the boy (George) king, I think he would've been getting his ass kicked in warrior Hell for the rest of Eternity. After getting slapped silly by Mr. Limp-wrists, Bowen teams up with the only person that hates the feeb more than he does: Kara. Oh boy, Einon's really gonna hate it when he finds the girl of his dreams in the arms of the guy he hates most in the world! Reminds me of my entire dating life in 8th grade...

Bowen's not really fond of this idea Kara's got of gathering the villagers together for a revolt, so he just kinda sits the sidelines while Kara, a monk, and Draco prepare the men for battle. It's not long though before Bowen finds the motivation to fight, thanks to a pre-fight pep talk by King Arthur's ghost... sure, it may sound funny/stupid/implausable, but hey, at least it gets the sulky pantsed knight off his ass and into the battle! So, after some quick basic training in the world's oldest brand of sports entertainment (fighting, not fucking), the peasants are pumped and ready for some REAL fun! Despite being outgunned and outnumbered, the commoners still kick some good ass, using guerilla tactics taught to them by Bowen. Retreating into the woods, they've set traps for the king's soldiers, evening out the obvious imbalance in skill and armaments. Hey, it may not be BRAVEHEART, but it's still pretty cool! As for Bowen and Kara, they hold their own well, Bowen with his mastery of the sword and Kara with her skilled handling of a mean set o' axes! BRAVEHEART's actually got nothing on that babe! To take out the dragon factor the peasants have, Einon hires a team of mercenary dragonslayers. The slayers suck hard eggs though, getting their asses kicked by Draco. Unfortunately, Einon makes the discovery that he and Draco are bonded, so as long as he can keep Draco safe and secured (which could be a couple centuries, since dragons have incredibley long lifelines) he's keep breathing. So, he orders the slayers to instead become jailers, netting the flying reptile and tying him down in the castle basement.

Not to worry though Draco, because your ol' pal Bowen and his shabbily dressed soldiers are on their way to the rescue! After hacking their way through Einon's guards, the two main heroes, Bowen and Kara, split up for their consecutive final duels. While Kara splits the skull of Einon's right hand minion Sir Brock (Vigo Mortensen), Bowen has his rematch with the lord of the sickly wimps. The duel ends more favorably toward Bowen this time, as he sends the AD&D stereotype head first down a four story dive through a solid stone floor! But, since Draco's still breathing, so is Einon... and I guess the heart dealy also goes for healing too, since a fall like that would've shattered the geek's entire skeletal structure, still beating heart or not. The only way to kill the villain for good is to kill the dragon. So, with a heavy heart, Bowen sets his sword flying, sheathing it in his inhuman amigo's coronary muscle. The brave scaled hero and pasty little worm both perish, the day is saved, Bowen and Kara live happily ever after, and Draco's turned into a cloud of neon gas and floats to dragon heaven, becoming a new constellation... so that's where stars really come from... stupid astrologers, giving me all that "burning pockets of gas" bullshit all these years! Thanx for setting me straight Hollywood.

DRAGONHEART is basically your average touching friendship fantasy that seems like it's supposed to be teaching us a lesson about tolerance and standing up for your rights... and there's a keen dragon too! But, the problem with this formula, is that at times the line between good and evil are somewhat blurred. Yeah, Bowen and friends are fighting against a jerk who likes to torture and beat down on his subjects, but the two are also more than a little selfish for the most part of the film! Draco doesn't wanna die, so he gives up his morals and dragon values to team with a human. Not just any human, but a drragonslayer! Meanwhile, Bowen lets Draco live, simply because he doesn't want to get another job as a piano teacher or something. So, instead of finding a respectable occupation, the guy becomes a scam artist. He travels the countryside with a dragon fleecing the already poor people of the kingdom, taking something from those who have nothing... not exactly the typical mold for a good guy. Also, the buddy feel of the movie was a little too friendly if you ask me. Draco is the last of his kind, he's never gonna get together with his dragon pals and play poker with peasants for ante again. He's never gonna slap his girldragon's tail while riding her up the fire chute anymore, or know the joy of devouring his young! All this because of guys like Bowen. I can understand the deal he makes with Bowen to preserve his own existence, but if I were him, I'd be imagining the 15 billion ways I could kill the bastard the second I got tired of the job. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who thinks those things about their boss.

The acting itself was pretty good, even if it was all done by second classers, excpet for Connery. Then again, all he had to do was talk, so he didn't exactly have to make any sacrifices for the part. The soundtrack wasn't bad for a fantasy film, though it was deffinately short of "epic". The CGI used to make Draco was pretty fucking spectacular for the most part, but it's the small things that they missed that bugged me. Hey, I'm a nitpicker alright? I've been that way since the dawn of time, and I'll be that way till the end of time. Anyway, it was the little things that bugged me about the CGI, like the amazing way the landscape seemed unaffected at times when Draco was doing even heavy bodily motions. Fields of grain waved around like he wasn't even there... probably because he wasn't. The lighting and shadows didn't always match up like you'd expect them to on a 30 ft dragon either. So, though films like DRAGONHEART prove to me that CGI is making great strides, it's still got a few miles to travel before it really is more realistic than reality... provided that statement makes any sense. in the end it comes down to this: DRAGONHEART, though touching and action-packed at times, may have been a little too PG for my tastes, and I really doubt that it's D-t-V sequel is gonna be any better...

Sequels: DRAGONHEART: A NEW BEGINNING

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: DRAGONSLAYER or WILLOW