First things first, the video copy I picked up opens with this terrible theatrical preview for Roger Corman's FANTASTIC FOUR movie, which was so critically debased that it never saw the light of day in the USA! It didn't even see the halogen glow of a Direct-to-Video release! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Fuck you Roger Corman! As for the FLESH GORDON sequel, well, it's bad. Instead of the sleezy and dirty, "'70s Porn" feel of the first one, this film goes with the cheesy, "'90s Softcore" motif. Also, note that the name is not the one promised at the conclusion of our first flick, which was supposed to be, THE PERILS OF FLESH. Oh, and in addition to the '90s softcore work, this flick also features toy model action sequences, the quality of which resemble the opening of an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000", as well as slaymation of a "Sesame Street" caliber. We pick up storywise, with our hero Flesh (obviously played by a different actor, since this takes place almost 20 years after the original) now a big time Holly-WOOD movie star. Sadly though, his girlfriend Dale hits him with her car, and he is then kidnapped by intergallactic bimbos... at least it's still odd like the first. To "save" Flesh, Dale seeks out the help of their old friend, Dr. Flexi Jerkoff. Using Dr. J's tit-shaped spacecraft (powered by chicken orgams) our 2 person rescue party sets out to save Flesh. Meanwhile, on the cosmic cheerleaders' home world of Strange Planet, we discover that the planet has been polluted by an impotence inducing radiation, leaving all of Strange Planet's men limp as Don Knotts. The only organ that is immune to the radiation's effects is, yep, you guessed it, the mighty erection of our hero Flesh. In order to prevent the planet's women from becoming fridged bitches and bringing about an ice age on Strange Planet, Flesh must take on the "daunting task" of satisfying the girls' famished libidos... boy, sure doesn't look too hard being a super hero if you ask me! Oh, and if you were wondering where this evil impotence radiation was coming from, it's courtesy of a ray gun controlled by a big fat chick named Queen Fridgid and her limp dicked, hooded lover, "Evil Presence". As for Dale and Dr. J, they finally make it to Strange Planet (after narrowly corking an ASS-teroid field) just in time to "rescue" our hero from a cosmic cheerleader orgy, and then Dale is kidnapped by the villains as bait to capture Mr. Gordon! The plot? That hooded guy wants to capture Flesh, and steal his impervious man meat! As Flesh and friends (Flexi and the cheerleaders) make their way to Dale's rescue, they meet an ASS-ortment of oddball aliens, including the subterranean turd people... I may be a perverse psychopath, but these shit people were a little sick, even for ME! Anyway, the gang makes it to Fridgid's lair, where they rescue Dale, and Flesh gains the favors of the Queen the only way possible: melt that cold bitch with his fire stick... maybe being a hero's not so great after all... Afterwards, in a climactic final battle, Flesh battles Evil Presence, who's revealed to be none other than a cybernetic Emperor Wang (played again by William Hunt, the only returning cast member)! It all ends when Wang falls into his own trap and gets sexually dominated by a giant hermaphroditic spider, and his evil ray gun is defeated with the use of a big laser condom, saving Strange Planet and the Earth. Flesh and Dale then say their goodbyes and head back to Earth with Flexi staying behind so he can be with his new love, Robunda Hooters (leader of the cosmic cheerleaders), leaving the evil Mecha-Wang to ski off into the sunset, cackling like a ninny whose shorts are on too tight. Not bad, but where as the original FLESH GORDON was new and amusing, COSMIC CHEERLEADERS seems to try too hard to remake the same old inuendos and perversion of the first movie. All in all, close but not close enough, and mainly a bad execution... like the on I'm about to give these people! *hack*hack*slash*slash*SPLAT!*

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: BARBARELLA or ORGAZMO