This movie was once reviewed by me as being complete garbage, on the same level as SHRUNKEN HEADS on a scale of unwatchable movies. After re-watching it again... my decision has mildly improved. Granted, after seeing things like ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE, MASTER OF EVIL, and ROBOT HOLOCAUST, THE FOREST was starting to look better. Not much better, but when compared to the horrid feelings of defeat those other movies gave me, it didn't feel as bad, possibly because my brain had been numbed by this stupid story and the horrible acting. Who would've thought one simple movie would be more effective than any store bought sedatives. However, as much as it pains me, I must give THE FOREST a serious review, since my other review was so lacking in details and warnings, so here I go:

As we open, there's a FRIDAY THE 13TH type of scene, when a young or feminine hand wielding a butcher knife kills a couple hiking through THE FOREST. Now, as much as this might sound intriguing, allow me to clarify, as the hand is not a seperate entity, simply it belongs to someone off screen whom we are not allowed to see. Now that I've ruined all your hopes for the movie's potential, let's continue. Elsewhere, a couple of stressed out guys are stuck in your typical afternoon California traffic jam. They bitch and whine and complain about their crappy marriages and how their wives have become stuck up wenches who don't put out anymore. They decide there's only one way to resolve this problem, the universal answer to all lame duck horror movie characters: a camping trip.

The wives go along too, turning the whole fiasco-to-be into a "Girls vs. Guys" contest to see which group can get to the secluded campgrounds and pitch tent first. Looking at those girls allows me to beat both groups, heh heh. The wives prove their productive organs to be superior, as they arrive at camp first, setting up everything as the men wander around aimlessly, unsure of where the Hell it is they're going. We also learn from a wayward FOREST ranger that, over the past few years, many people have gone into THE FOREST, never to return. I say they just burn down THE FOREST and leave it at that! No FOREST, no movie! But, things never work out for me like that.

As the women camp in all their glory, they are watched by two phantom children who speak in echoes, who then float away when their apparent mommy ghost shows up asking the girls where her children are. When the girls can't help, she simply dissipates back into the surrounding underbrush... at this point I would hide in my sleeping bag and zip up the tent, praying for morning to come, but then, I am a coward despite my Godhood. Hey, you want a big macho God, go talk to Horus! As for me, I'm perfectly content in my cowardice! Anyway, the see-through children then go off to visit their father, who's not a ghost, and who has also been sitting around in his hobbit cave all day getting drunk in preparation of a hard night's work of stalkin' and killin'. Wait a minute... how the Hell does dad get all that booze out in the middle of THE FOREST?! Or, perhaps the booze is also an apparition and the old man just thinks he's drunk... Hey, with this movie that sounds just stupid enough to work. As you can guess, daddy's prey for the night is the duo of helpless housewives, as he kills one (actually, he shadow stabs her to death), allowing for the other to escape as he drags his fresh corpse back home.

As for the neglectful husbands, who are about as rugged and nature oriented as digital television, they stumble upon the old guy's lair. The man offers them shelter from the rain that's began to pour, as well as dinner. On the menu? The dead wife. This is funny, because the guy who accepts the offer of burned flesh is the woman's husband. Giving new meaning to the term "eating my wife". Obviously, neither of the guys realizes just what it is the old guy's roasting. After dinner, the old dude settles down for a round of storytelling to provide the guys (and the viewers) some exposition and insight.

Several years ago, the old man's wife had been an infidellic whore, letting the plumber clean her pipes, the delivery boys to give her their packages, and traveling salesmen to... have sex... with her... One day, John (our old man) walks in on her and a repairman and finds the children locked in the closet. So, John's impotent ass cracks her head off the nightstand and kills her! Actually, that's wrong, he didn't use his ass to do it, but his hands... just wanted to clarify. Afterwards, he goes out into the yard, where he shows off his ability to teleport to the repairman, cutting him off at every path until finally sticking the jackass on a obscenly large buzzsaw! Upon realization of his crimes of passion, John takes the kids and goes off to live in THE FOREST in seclusion from the authorities. The children were apparently not prepared for a life without cable television and indoor plumbing, so they both committed suicide shortly after. I can understand. I don't know if I could live without my many luxuries and convenient comforts!

The following day, the guys wake up and are merrily back on their way to the campsite. As for John, he decides to take care of unfinished business and hunt down that escaped woman he missed the night before. Boy, no matter how old you get, or impotent, we guys are always looking for more women to eat... Yes, I know that was my second bad oral sex joke in this review, and if you don't shut up right now, there will be more! Now, can in continue? Alright. Fearing the worst, one of the men (Steve) decides to go back to the car and search out some help, while the other (Charley) continues the search for the girls. Steve screws up along the way, breaking his leg. Looks like it's going to be a long, tear-filled hop back to civilization for mister big bad wilderness hero. Take THAT Daniel Boone! As for Charley, John attacks him and drowns him. I can't help but feel this would've been far more constructive and less time consuming, had John simply slit both Chuck AND Steve's throats while they slept in his comfy cave, but when you're an insane cannibal, logic isn't always the first in line for the thought train. Now, what about the other girl?

Well, Sharon (the non-dead wife) is next on John's agenda, but escapes when John's ghostly children intervene, telling John that if he kills Sharon, they'll go away forever and leave him to die alone and more pathetic than he already is, in his cave with his empty Scotch bottles his only company. John doesn't want to be a complete hermit, so he takes Sharon off the grocery list, heading off now for the wounded Steve instead... who is still crying like an old Italian woman. However, just because he's not allowed to kill Sharon doesn't mean she can't kill him, so she does just that, saving her simpering little husband as she kills John, let's say by beating him to death with a rock.

Absolutely horrible movie, containing nothing in the way of talent or production values. The FX are so weak and cheap, what little ones there are. To save money, the first killing is done off screen, as we see nothing more than John's silhouette stabbing at Teddi (Charley's wife)'s silhouette... even for shadow homicide it's bad. Also, during the climactic scene where Sharon kills John, the best they can do is flash a strobe light... is this supposed to be significant of Sharon elevating into madness in a feral state, or did the director just get really stoned and suggest to the crew, "dudes, I got a strobe in the back of my mom's Buick, wanna use it somewhere? It'd be so gnarly man, like a rock video and shit." Seeing as how the other cast members were completely blasted on homemade Gin, they decided it was a good idea, and thus came in the strobe. On a final note, just to wrap this up and get THE FOREST over with, let me comment on the story. Not a bad idea, as they seem to try and mix up different genres and create a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ON FRIDAY THE 13TH ghost story, but wind up with a movie that makes MASTER OF EVIL almost appealing... Want a game you can play at parties with THE FOREST? Simply click on the rolling head below and I'll give the rules for a H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. game that makes the movie go faster and the pain seem far less, well, painful! Enjoy!

Also Known As: Terror in the Forest

Sequels: Ask me again and I'll belt ya in the lip!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Doing panamime as a tree... then put yourself through a logging camp like a tree would... I can warm the big villainous buzzsaw up if you'd like.