Heavy Metal
(1981)
Even on television, though heavily edited, we all knew what was SUPPOSED to be seen and heard there. The images of animated characters fucking, using vulgarity, smearing each others' lifeblood all over the screen, it was a rush. Cartoons weren't supposed to be like this! It was taboo to the ultimate extent! Sure, we'd seen porn, but magazines and movies were expected to have that stuff, even in small doses, but cartoons were supposed to be good clean fun! HEAVY METAL was my first real step into the adult world, where there was no more black and white. In the real world, cartoons CAN and DO have all the things that Christianity and our Puritan based society deem as "wrong". I know most people only see HEAVY METAL as an acid flick or a chance to check out titties and gore, but for me, HEAVY METAL was my rite of passage, my awakening, my fork in the road! Wahoo! I wonder how pathetic this makes me sound now... Anyway, for those of you who aren't familiar with this movie, it's based on storied from an over-sized comicbook magazine of the same name, that specializes in sci-fi and horror stories with an alternative, heavy metal edge to them. The movie consists of several of these stories, adapted from the underground comic series. Also though, the film adds a couple of non-adapted stories, purely original for the purpose of this flick.
The whole trip opens with a well done short about a convertible dropped from a space shuttle. The auto lands "softly" to the ground, where it's driver starts it up and drives off like a wild man, finally stopping when he comes up a house out in the middle of nowhere, his home I'm imagining. Here he's greeted by his daughter, who embraces him with open arms like a bad after school special. Daddy then shows her a little surprise that he picked up for her in his travels through space: a glowing green orb about the size of a basketball. No sooner does he release it, than the intergalactic party favor melts the poor bastard into a graphic pile of guts and goo! Finished with him, the ball then corners the frantic daughter (I think it's looking up her skirt) and begins the first of several twisted fairy tales, far more fractured than anything Rocky & Bullwinkle could show us.
Story number one is a made-for-movie one called "Harry Canyon" and follows the adventures of the cab driver of the future, Harry Canyon (voiced by Richard Romanus, who also did the voice of Weehawk in the Ralph Bakshi classic WIZARDS). Harry works New York City in the year 2031, where basically little has changed, except that cars fly, the porn and sex industry has broken free of the stranglehold created by Guilliani and the NYPD charges by the hour, not unlike the whores they're supposed to be policing. Harry's your typical New Yorker: a rough and depressing person who realized long ago that the gold paving the streets of the Big Apple isn't precious metal, just the piss from a never ending parade of hobos and junkies. He also doesn't put up with peoples' shit either, as he proves to us when a Mohican punker thug tries to rob him, getting atomized for his efforts via Mr. Canyon's "unruly passenger eliminator". While parked outside the Museum Of Natural History, Harry's confronted by a lovely redheaded broad in a really short skirt and cleavage exploiting top. The woman's in a huge panic over something and it seems she's being chased by a group of mobster-type thugs, so Harry, with few options, saves the babe and drives off. Taking her to the police station, he finds absolutely no help from the overweight, coffee slurping, donut engorged Nazis and is left with no other choice but to take her back to his place. When she comes to her senses, she tells Harry about her father, who uncovered a wonderful green orb artifact during an archeological dig, called a Loc-Nar... yes, just like the menacing seasick sphere telling this tale to begin with.
Following his find, father was approached by a Mafioso thug named Rudnick, who belongs to a little Venutian (as in "from Venus") cult that worships the Loc-Nar and plan to use it for plans of galactic domination or something. When the father refused to tell them where it's hidden, the daughter became the new target, meaning Harry's probably being targeted as we speak. Just when it looks like Harry's not going to be rewarded for his heroics, the lady joins him in the sack for a nice little session of fellatio (complete with the chick's thick, animated bush)! When he wakes up the next morning, it's every man's dream as the broad seems to have left... if only every woman could take that hint. The prostitutes are good at it, but they always take my wallet when they do... As soon as he wakes up, our hero-of-sorts gets a morning visit from a group of cops in riot gear, lead by a dude voiced by John Candy (who does a few more voices throughout the course of the film). The fuzz threaten Harry if he doesn't cough up the whereabouts of the girl, which he doesn't know about at the time. If he hears from her, he's ordered to call them or call an undertaker, cuz they'll kill him with the blink of an eye if he screws them... of course, Harry's not the kind of guy to work with goose-stepping rejects from an episode of "NYPD Blue", so when he goes out looking for the dame, it's of his own interests. But, no sooner is he in his cab and ready for another day's work, Rudnick and his goons make THEIR bid on Harry's life, also telling him that, unless he gets them the girl, he's going to be dead. They also give him a message for the fiery redhead, that they intend to pay good money for that little artifact, provided she delivers it to them... if I were a cabby, this would definitely catch my interests.
Soon after, Harry gets a robo-telegram from the broad, asking him to meet her at the Statue of Liberty. After playing "Space Invaders" with some of the Venutian baddies, courtesy of the laser blasters in his tail lights (a necessity for any of my automobiles, whether it be my hearse, my gyro-copter or my ROAD WARRIOR Special Edition Nitro Burning Doom Mobile!), Harry makes the date and agrees to back the broad up in her sale of the Loc-Nar, if he gets half the cut. The sale goes off without a hitch. Harry and his new girlfriend are set for life and Rudnick winds up gooified by his new trinket... dumbass. But, the storybook ending isn't in Harry's future, as his lady decides to pull a gun on him... from the backseat of the cab. As you can probably guess, Canyon's don't take no shit like that from no piece of pussy, and he disintegrates the bitch, taking the whole of the cash for himself while the Loc-Nar propels itself skyward for our next yarn.
The second tale is "Den", which opens with the Loc-Nar falling to Earth in the form of a glowing green meteorite. The orb is found in the backyard of a typical high school science nerd who couldn't get his tiny wang touched by a girl if he had a $100 bill caught in his zipper. Hooking the strange extraterrestrial object up to some electrodes, the kid causes some kind of crazy chain reaction that tosses his scrawny ass into a swirling vortex, complete with zany colors and visual brain fucks! When he gets spit out the other end of the warp, he's no longer a gangly little white boy, but a hulking black dude named Den!... which is funny when you think about big fat white boy John Candy voicing the protagonist. He's also living in a bizarre fantasy world, like something out of Dungeons & Dragons... provided your Dungeon Master's taken a few blotters first. After tossing on a loincloth for decency's sake, Den notices that right below him a hot little ticket is about to be sacrificed in an evil ritual held by a topless wonder chick in an Aztec mask! I told ya this place was wacky to behold... Well, apparently with his new muscles Den also gets an urge to play hero, as he leaps into a pool of bubbling red waters to save the girl from drowning, wrapping her legs around his neck (not the most subtle man in the world, but when you're built like that, I guess you don't need to be) and swimming her to safety. Upon finding said safety, he wakes the babe (another fuckable redhead), who tells Den that she too is from Earth, a British wench by the name of Catherine. And to show her appreciation? Yep, she spreads herself like the Red Sea (though we don't get to see any red... or pink for that matter, heh heh) and Den gets to play Moses! The only thing the Bible's really good for is making puns... and to roll your joints on... and wipe up spunk...
The couple's romp is interrupted though, by a posse of inconsiderate orc-type goons who take the young lovers to their master, a wormy human named Ard. Ard encases Catherine in glass like Snow White and orders that Den capture a little prize for him from an evil queen: none-other than the Loc-Nar. Den disagrees at first, unloading a few clips from an orc's rifle into the would-be Bill Gates. When Ard's wounds heal like nothing happened, Den changes his mind... damn, with a healing ability like that, I wouldn't need to worry about genital warts anymore! Wahoo! Corner of 4th and Madison, here I cum! Heh heh! Uhm, anyway, leading a group of Ard's minions, Den sneaks into the Queen's castle, evading a big hairy beasty and getting his hands on something far better than the Loc-Nar, heh heh. Captured by the Queen and her thugs, it looks like the end of the line for Den, or would be, if he weren't cut like an Adonis and hung like a Belmont Stakes champion! Unable to resist the man's "charms", the Queen orders that he make love to her on her royal bean-bag chair. He gives her the plowing of a lifetime, only to be interrupted for the second time today when her goons interfere with news that the Loc-Nar's been stolen! Furious at Den, thinking he was simply a distraction while the real criminals did their part, Queenie takes a swing at him. Unlike the usual pussy-assed broad though, she doesn't slap, she uses a war mace! She just collapses the skull of one of her orcs though, then gets slugged in the face by Den before he leaps to his freedom... Den don't take no smack from no hoes!
Den heads back to the altar on which he appeared, finding now Ard with the Loc-Nar, also attempting to use Catherine as a sacrifice to summon some big heavy of a death god... is she the ONLY woman worth sacrificing on that damn planet or what!? And who's this poseur death god anyway? I don't remember getting no phone call from Ivan Reitman to make an appearance in this story. Not far behind Den is the Queen and her forces, who battle it out with Ard and his forces as the two mad despots bicker and sissy slap each other possession of the magic sphere. They wind up zapped out of existence though, when lightning strikes the staff and sends them to who knows where, possibly Earth. With their bosses gone, the leaderless legions of freaks are now directionless, looking to Den to lead them and tell them what to do. But, only interested in bangin' white girls, Den grabs Cathy, they hop a big dragonfly with a saddle, and the two fly off into the Technicolor sunset to screw somewhere. Ah, a happy ending for all involved! As for the radioactive pinball, it again flies off toward the stratosphere, out into the void of space, where it winds up on a space station and into the hands of a lowly wiener named Hanover Fist as we begin the third story known simply as "Captain Stern". Like "Den", this too is an adaptation of a Heavy Metal story, centering around the popular character, you guessed it, Captain Stern. Despite his Herculean chin and ruggedly handsome good looks, Stern is probably the biggest lowlife scumbag pervert in the galaxy, second only to myself and G.G. Allin. Wanna know more about G.G.? Trust me, you don't...
When we join the Captain, he's on trial in front of a galactic tribunal, answering to charges ranging from rape to murder to a preschool prostitute ring to the most heinous act of all: a moving violation... them traffic laws can be harsh mistresses I kid you not. But, Stern's confident he can get away with a "not guilty" plea, because he's got Mr. Fist in his pocket... and no, I don't mean he's playing pocket pool. So, when Hanover is called to the desk to testify, he coughs up the biggest pile of shit ever to be spouted under oath. Not literally of course, I just mean he lies his ass off, calling Stern a pillar of the community, an outstanding guy and a pleasure to know. But, in the midst of his falsities, Hanover suddenly goes all Incredible Hulk, minus the motion sickness! Transforming into a creature of superhuman size and strength, Hanover goes into a mouth foaming rage, chasing down Stern and screaming for his mutilation and dismemberment! Busting up the space station in the process and beating on the security guards like they were little girls with urine soaked panties, Hanover finally catches up to the nefarious "hero" and corners him! Is this the end of the galaxy's greatest Jay Leno chin stunt double?! No, because he eases Fist's rage with the wad of cash he promised him for his testimony! Ah money, the constant answer to all life's problems!
But, after paying his slovenly lackey, the Captain sends him out a vacuum chute and into space, where he's burned to a crisp in the Earth's heat shield, leaving nothing more than his hand, still gripping the tiny Loc-Nar. Gotta love that Captain Stern, such a pain in the ass, heh heh. While cruising down through the atmosphere, the Loc-Nar decides to fly off to it's next little adventure, "B-17", finding itself in the middle of a World War II dog-fight. The stone (now the size of one of those large beach balls) finds it's way toward the last remaining fighter plane, an Allied craft that's been shot to shit by Nazis, where all but a couple members of the crew have been killed in one grizzly way or another. No sex or crude humor in this one kids, nothing but internal organs made external and gore aplenty, as the Loc-Nar resurrects the dead soldiers, making them flesh hungry zombies who attack and eat one of their remaining crewmates! With the co-pilot now ghoul chow, the pilot makes a last ditch effort to save himself, parachuting out of the doomed craft and leaving his rambunctious comrades to croak while he prays for dry land. Lucking out like a son-of-a-bitch, the pilot lands on an island... more like a graveyard... for planes and pilots who have been shot down in one war or another... and who are all now melting piles of flesh, guts and decaying teeth, all with a hunger for fresh meat! So much for the hero. Unfortunately, in the name of suspense (and teasing the audience to the point of unfair), we must leave the zombie smorgasbord in favor of our next "yarn", called "So Beautiful, So Deadly", another adaptation of a Heavy Metal tale... and very LOOSE adaptation... as in "Madonna's love hole" loose.
In this story, the Loc-Nar is little more than a small gem in a woman's necklace. Yet another redhead, this babe also happens to be a secretary at the Pentagon, where the press has been throwing around stories of alien sightings and government cover-ups. The man in charge of debasing these stories, suddenly goes tiny, toony, completely fuckin' loony when he checks out the Loc-Nar around the chick's neck! Though, I think it's the cleavage that would've driven me wacky starin' at those healthy breasts... Suddenly a giant spaceship that resembles a big stoned out Pac-Man hovers above the Pentagon, plants a big phallic tube into the roof and sucks up the crazy guy, as well as the firey crotched love goddess! Turns out the guy in the suit was just a robot, controlled by the aliens to cover up their existence to the American people. Somehow the Loc-Nar fried it's widgets and the secretary just got caught up in the retrieval... since the 'bot was crawling all over her with it's face betwixt her bounding love sacks. Demanding to know where she is, the woman is greeted by a feisty smart-assed little robot, yet another voice of John Candy. Taking a shine to the Earth babe, the 'bot takes her out to show her around the place, while the craft's two bumbling pilots make Cheech & Chong look like school boys! These guys don't do little lines of coke, these hosers lay out more of the white stuff than a football field line maker pumping pure caffeine into his system! Though the two snort every last particle of the shitz, don't worry, because like the one dude says, "if there's one thing I know, it's how to drive when I'm stoned!". Meanwhile, the robot's shown the broad the best sex with a machine she's ever had and the two make plans for a Jewish wedding... the end... yep, no blood or violence, just humor.
From this happy scene though, we head to our final story, "Tarna", in a far off land where a pilgrimage of peaceful nomads are suddenly swallowed by Loc-Nar lava, spewed forth from an angry mountainside. When they reemerge, the pilgrims have been transformed into an evil mob of cyber-barbarian techno-vandals, like those found on an Iron Maiden album cover! And what do Iron Maiden album cover refugees go? Why, to wherever there's peace and contentment in the world!... so they can burn it down! And that's just what these cretins do too, as they invade a fortress of solitude and kill all the inhabitants like cockroaches. Before their demise though, the High Council of the little commune send out a mental S.O.S. to Tarna, the last of a race of guardian warriors who pledged to protect (or in this case, avenge) the peaceful science people long ago. I really don't see the point in this however, as the people are all long dead, their blood cold and their severed heads hollowed out for ash trays and bongs by the time she gets there. If only she didn't take so much damn time trying to be all sensual and exotic while putting on her skimpy leather... bikini... uhm, nevermind, I think I prefer all those geeks corpsed up if it means I get to watch Tarna touching her body in slow, sweeping motions, heh heh. So, after she's done accessorizing, the silent warrior woman hops her big plucked turkey and flies off for some revenge. Yeah, I know that one woman with a sword and a naked Ostrich has no chance in Hell of defeating an army of bloodthirsty savages, but it's a movie, and the good guys (and girls) always win.
Tarna finds a contingent of the goons enjoying a few drinks and some mayhem at a wasteland bar in the middle-of-nowhere. When they try to get fresh with her, she breaks their noses and lobs off their heads, all the while a Devo inspired techno-whack band plays on. Ah Devo, it's been 20 years since "Whip It" and they're STILL ahead of their time! Now, if only Flock Of Seagulls would stop praying to me to be cool "again" as they put it... Following this little encounter, Tarna heads back out to the open skies to search for the Metalhead Pilgrims' camp. It's not long before she finds it either, and lobs off many a more head before getting her ass overpowered and handed to her... she's got the guns (35D-cup I'd say), but they've got the numbers... thank you Jim Morrison. Now a captive, Tarna is brought before the sadistic leader of the thugs, who takes the lady's vulnerable state as a chance to whip her, whip her good... shit, now I can't get Devo out of my head! After taking out his sexual frustrations on the fair skinned beauty, the creep has her tossed into a pit... with her armor... great idea jackass. So, putting on her leather threads once more, she whistles for Big Bird, who breaks free of his captors. Not a hard task considering they'd lose to the Three Stooges in any test of wits or motor skills. Picking Tarna up from the pit, she and the turkey kill some more bad guys before they're forced to do battle with the head honcho, once and for all. Ultimately, despite all the open wounds and painful bruises, Tarna comes out victorious and rides her near dead duck thing toward the Loc-Nar volcano, sacrificing themselves to destroy it with a bolt of magical lightning.
Back in the frame story, with the increasingly large Loc-Nar and the little girl, the ball screams in agony and explodes, destroying the model house (yes, it's a model, as the deadline ran out and there wasn't time to animate it) from which the girl narrowly escapes. In the field near the house though, she finds a big plucked chicken of her very own (like Tarna's) and a passing breeze catches her hair, turning it white (again, like Tarna's) and revealing a warrior tattoo (yet again, JUST LIKE TARNA'S!), meaning that this chick was one of the Tarakians... or NOW is one of the Tarakians... I'm confused... and my ass hurts... I need better shoes me thinks... Anyway, you know it must be a great flick if I, the staunch opponent of anthology films, can speak so highly of it! Though not as impressive or taboo as I once thought it to be and though the animation seems outdated by today's standards, there are still numerous reasons to see this movie. It's not the movie's fault, it's just that, in the early '80s, this stuff was pretty hardcore. Since then though, especially with the heavy acceptance of Japanese animation into American culture, there's just more controversial stuff out there and animation is much smoother. However, as an animated movie, based on the voice acting, actual illustrations and storyline, it's still a very good effort, that holds up incredibly well after the past two decades. And what helps that? With recent revilatized interest in '80s metal and hair bands, even the soundtrack still sounds good!... well, personally some of it hurts my ears to the point where I think I'm a victim of those brain parasites in STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN, but that's me... fuck you Journey! And there is no Black Sabbath without Ozzy! You bastaaaaaaaaaaards!!!! Dio must die...
Though each story had it's own charm, whether it be violence, crude humor, nekkid tits or drug abuse, "Harry Canyon" was by far my favorite story, being gritty and hardassed and featuring the most realistic nekkid chick of the entire hour and a half. Harry was a great character: no-nonsense, solid under pressure and shabbily dressed! I liked the pacing and structuring of the stories in the scope of the entire film. We start off with humor and some modern day-ish action and intrigue, then jump to a complete fantasy world with more sex and outrageous shit before we hit a story that focuses mostly on the humor. Then there's that all gore, graphic violence story with the plane, straight into an all humor, feel-good, drug induced wacky-fest! Then, it's all topped off with another fantasy story, though this one without the humor, replaced instead by a sense of wonder and selfless sacrifice. Almost inspirational! However, after seeing this movie only on television for years, I was used to the commercial breaks, which made the stories seem much longer. When the movie was rereleased in a special 15th Anniversary edition (I think), it was odd to see some of these stories seem so short now, especially "Harry Canyon"! Sure, the full on nudity (especially the bush shots, heh heh) and violence and vulgarity was better than a gallon of orange Kool-Aid mixed with Tang, but it still felt short and I felt just a little cheated. Oh well, time does go by quicker with age.
One thing that bugged me about the film's continuity was the fluctuating size of the Loc-Nar. One moment it's the size of a baseball, then a basketball, then a marble, then a beach ball, then a little gem in a pendant until finally it's as big as a mountain! Were all the worlds it was traveling to just variating in size? In one existence are the people of our average size and the next a little bit taller? If that's the case, than everyone in the "Tarna" story would be the size of ants, while Captain Stern and friends would be giants! What's going on! Is it so much to ask for an explanation that DOESN'T require a six pack, a joint and a couple methenphetamines (no idea on the spelling there) to comprehend?! And why did it suddenly explode at the end!? What the fuck was that about!? Oh well, either way I thank Ivan Reitman and the people at Heavy Metal Comic Magazines for their combined efforts in making me a man!... without the need for lawsuits or years of psycho-therapy.
Sequels: HEAVY METAL 2000
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: "Harry Canyon" fans check out THE FIFTH ELEMENT, "Den" fans check out CONAN THE DESTROYER, "Captain Stern" and "So Beautiful, So Deadly" fans check out SPACEBALLS, "B-17" fans check out NIGHT OF THE ZOMBIES, "Tarna" fans check out RED SONJA... did I forget anyone? If you liked all the stories, then do what I do and check out the "Heavy Metal" comic 'zine! Available at fine, upstanding newstands everywhere :-D
