Just when I had thought that "Killer Tomatoes" sequels were through, they pull me right back in. I think we get to blame this unfunny, Direct-to-Video nightmare on the creators of the equally unentertaining "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" cartoon, as the fiendish fruits now have animatronic faces. How crap-tacular. It takes more than tomato puppets to prevent my wrath! The flick open innocently enough, with a vaguely humorous FRIDAY THE 13TH parody, as a killer decked out in FULL hockey goal tender gear attempts to chase a scantily clad chick through the woods at night. They both run into a little problem though, in the form of a mob of chainsaw wielding red orbs in hockey masks! They are swiftly slaughtered and the only remotely funny scene of the movie is over. Investigating the garden variety homicide (bad pun for a bad movie) is Detective Lance Boil (the overacting and seriously lame star of "Who Wants to Divorce a Millionaire", Rick Rockwell), who was obviously caught in a time warp during the "height" of '80s pop fashion, decked out in flashy orange flame print pants. All he needs is one of those snapping bracelet things you slap on your wrist and he'd be set for a VH1 special. The villainous Doctor Gangreen returns as, what else, the villain, played once more by John Astin, the closest thing this movie can offer us comedian-actor wise. This time, the mad doctor is masquerading as "Geranahue": a Geraldo-Donahue amalgamated lord of tabloid television. On one of "Geranahue"s shows, we are introduced to leading tomatologist Dr. Kennedy Johnson (the foil/love interest for Detective Boil, as well as the heroine of my wet dreams), and reintroduced to former "... Killer Tomatoes" heroes F.T. (Fuzzy Tomato) and Wilbur Finletter, the guy with the parachute (which he seems to have finally gotten out of), as Geranahue tries to stir up some anti-tomato sentiment from the crowd. Meanwhile, we learn that the doc's got an evil plan in the workings, using his sentient fruits to commit bank robberies for him, and also destroy the news media which scorns him and his talk show so. Dr. G(angreen) decides to avenge his ego by kidnapping a mob of prominent news figures, including reporters and camera men... excuse me, camera "people"... so now his will be the only "news" show on the air in the world, and he can brainwash the Earth's populace through subliminal advertising. Meanwhile, as Lance and Dr. Kennedy get to know each other better and try WAY too hard to be funny, Lance is attacked by tomatoes, sadly surviving. If only it had been rabid wombats instead of tomatoes... Anyway, a bunch of crap happens that doesn't get a single chuckle out of me, and Dr. G winds up eaten by his own hench-produce... despite showing up in the "post movie locker room interview session" that runs over the end credits and returning in KILLER TOMATOES EAT FRANCE. First thing that pissed me off about this movie was the blatant lack of a "... Killer Tomatoes" theme song, instead being replaced by some horrid late '80s dance music. Also, Wilbur did NOTHING, apparently making a cameo simply for the actual series fans out there, whomever these sad freaks may be. Finally, as if it wasn't bad enough that the guy's about as funny as a stomach virus, if I ever have to see Rick Rockwell in bad '80s clothing again, he will die... painfully. While I'm at it, I think I'm going to give that Darva Congers bitch a serious case of anal crabs... I'm not talkin' fleas though, I'm talking about sticking some very angry Alaskan King Crabs up that bitch's brown eye!

Sequels: KILLER TOMATOES EAT FRANCE

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: masturbating to the Food Network, or choking to death on an under ripened tomato