Charles Band, ever the b-movie entrepraneur, continues his coup of the urban horror market with this: KILLJOY. With previous bowel movements like RAGDOLL and THE HORRIBLE DR. BONES, you have to wonder how it is that Mr. Band remains dominant in the field of horror movies that play on African American "ghetto" stereotypes, and the answer is simple: nobody else makes urban horror films! Sure, there was TALES FROM THE HOOD and VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN, but these are about the only urban horror films since the golden days of Blaxploitation. Sadly, none of Band's u.h. films have lived up to TALES FROM THE HOOD, and BLACULA looks like it was directed by Stanley Kubrick in comparison! Picking up the pieces of his previous u.h. failures (the afformentioned RAGDOLL and DR. BONES), Band tries to add the always appealing idea of killer klowns to the mix. Do the pieces fit in this demented and low-budget puzzle? Well, let's see...

Featuring all the cinematic professionalism of an after-school special, our film actually starts like one too! As always with Charles Band's urban horror movies, the cast consists strictly of urban stereotypes. In this case, everyone is a gangbanging black person who does nothing but "slam 40s", "pack blunts", and "jock da bitches". The few who aren't are trying to "break away from the ghetto life" and make a name for themselves through higher education blah blah blah. The beginning focuses on geeky Mike, who's got the hots for a fine honey named Jada (all hot black women in urban cinema are named Jada) who, as always, wants nothing to do with the little feeb. Besides, even if she did pity his sorry ass enough to jerky his beef, she's already gettin macked on and bitch-slapped by gansta Lorenzo... whose "gang" is actually just a trio of equally unoriginal pale stereotypes. In an attempt to level the playing field a little, Mike does the typical dork thing and tries summoning a demonic clown named KILLJOY to do his evil bidding. Mike, a gun would be so much easier and effective, get a clue okay?! Have you never seen NEW JACK CITY or MENACE II SOCIETY!? No killer klown demons, just lots of guns and sex! Stick to the basics boy, you're only making it harder on yourself.

Mike's plans go awry, as no demonic influences show up to save his pussy ass. Such intervention would've been nice for him though, because soon after his failed incantation, Mike is picked up by Lorenzo and friends, then taken out to an abandoned lot and shot in the back of his thick skull. And no one sheds a single tear... not that I can blame 'em. "One Year Later", Jada's finally left Lorenzo for icing Mike and is now spreading her thighs for her new study buddy Jamal. As for Lorenzo, he and his boyyyyyyyyz be smokin' up some fatties and kickin 40s like always. After Lorenzo leaves the 3 man party to smack up on his new beeyotch, his two homies meet up with an obnoxious, ice cream selling, drug pushing clown... yep, that's Killjoy, just 365 days late with his appointment. So, the devil entertainer teleports the two 'bangers to his magical fantasy realm: a warehouse... What kind of clown hangs his comically oversized shoes in an abandoned warehouse?! Oh well, at least he kills the two wastes, running one over with his ice cream truck and torching the other. If we don't stop all this black-on-black crime we ain't neva gonna put The Man in his place...

Anyway, Lorenzo is the next victim of grease-painted revenge as Killjoy takes him to the warehouse of villainy. Meanwhile, his lovely new ho takes a lengthy and exploitive shower... 'bout time something worthwhile happened here! Only in Killjoy's enchanted dockside realm can Lorenzo get 21 shots off his piece before laughing boy mows him down with his mouth piece, like that scene in UHF where Weird Al catches that soldier guy's bullet 'tween his teeth, chews it up, then blasts the guy with it. Ah UHF, a movie that I'd much rather be watching than this bullshit. But, this isn't a UHF review, but a KILLJOY review. Where was I? Oh yeah, so Lorenzo dies in a hail of really cheap CGI gunshots, with spurts of CGI blood that doesn't stick to his shirt, because his shirt is apparently the only thing in that shot not generated by a damn desktop. Afterwards, Jada, Jamal, and their friend Monique (who should all be doing a scene for a cheap "All Black Booty" compilation porn video instead of this flick) are visited by a hobo who seems to know a lot about Killjoy and his weaknesses, as well as what happened to Lorenzo's "gang". Seems the only way to kill the grinning beast is to destroy the clown doll Mike used to summon him, provided the hobo actually knows what he's talking about and isn't just whacked on some of that crazy Viper shit that's being going around. The dirty street urchin then goes up in a *poof*... either he's for real or he used to be a magician at the Apollo. So, it's all up to our trio of would-be funky heroes to go to the magic storage facility, search out the rabid circus performer, and pop a couple o' caps up his stank clown ass. Will they succeed in their journey, or will they fall to the colorfully dressed villain's pointy teeth and fatal cream pie missles? Ah, who gives a fuck, how 'bout Jada and Monique drop that Jamal punk and come feel the wrath of MY creamy projectiles... mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Our heroes find their way into Killjoy's pad, where they wind up fighting undead versions of Lorenzo and his two cuzins. After wasting the zombie pimps, they then get their asses collectively kicked by Killjoy... which is sad when three perfectly healthy young people are trounced by a dead clown. Kill' then reveals himself to be Mike as he tries to get Jada to forgive him and accept him and love him and crap. You know, all the shit he wanted when he was alive but had to turn to black magic (pardon the pun) to attempt to achieve. Jada lures the impressionable sucker into an embrace of deceite, lowering his defenses so she can stab him back to death. However, since the trio didn't kill that doll the hobo forewarned them about, the whole thing goes extra sour and Kill' returns, making sure not to fall for the same "I really do love and don't just want to be friends" trick again. Also, the voodoo homeboys return to cause more trouble and try to squeeze in some more screen time. But, the good guys find the doll and destroy it and Mike winds up losing his powers as the true essence of Killjoy decides he's just pathetic and eats the little pussy's soul. In the aftermath, Jada begins having Killjoy induced nightmares and halucinations... or are they real?! Do I care? FUCK NO! Should you? Well, depends on your pain tolerance when it comes to ebonics and bad movies...

As we've seen in the past, killer klown movies are almost impossible to pull off. The concept is one of the coolest possibilities out there: the object of every child's nightmares finally shows their true face and starts hacking up innocents left and right. However, so far we've basically been screwed on that concept, as poor production values, stupid decisions, and terrible acting have ruined the killer klown genre. Look at the stats: KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, while cool at times, was just too corny to stand under it's own weight. CLOWNHOUSE (which now has an Amazon.com exclusive edition) was too sterile and besides, it was another of those damn "the heroes are children" flicks. Sadly THE CLOWN AT MIDNIGHT was Canadian, 'nuff said about that... IT was grand, probably your best bet in the killer klown faction, 'specially since it's courtesy of Mack Daddy Freak Out Boy Stephen King. Then again, it was restricted by TV problems, like no tits and no heavy gore, still the best killer klown movie though. Hey, you can't beat Tim Currey! The Clown from the Spawn mythos is an example of how depraved and sick a real killer klown should be, but go for the animated version instead of the John Leguizamo version, because all fanboys know that the SPAWN movie was deffinately softcore. Other than these, any other killer klown movies aren't really worth the time or braincells it takes to remember them.

So, I guess I wasn't so much surprised that KILLJOY was as horrible as it was, but more or less disappointed that yet another killer bozo flick stumbles and falls dead in a pool of blood and grease paint. KILLJOY suffered from the same problems that all Full Moon films have fallen victim to in recent years: bad direction (including some out-of-focus film at times!), bad FX (because Band realized that CGI is cheaper than the real thing, especially BAD CGI), unrealistic characters (as many fellow critics have also noticed, our heroes seemed to know an awful lot about black magic rituals when they destroyed the doll, especially Jamal who told the girls not to break the magic circle they were in, and that they also had to create an inner circle to strengthen it!!!) along with paper thin and steroetyped characters, and last but certainly not the least to blame, Killjoy's base of operations was a Godz damned warehouse! A near empty warehouse with nothing but graphitti and some crates... I'm glad not all demonic influences are forced to slum it.

So yes, Band shoots and misses yet again on his quest for Urban Horror supremacy. Does this mark the end of Band's mission, or is this just another small set back to him? "Small" being the key word because it obviously didn't take much to get KILLJOY out, unless you think that Exlax is expensive...

Sequels: Pray there never are...

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Hiring a party clown to shit on your face in public... I might be able to dig up John Wayne Gacey for ya...