Those pixelated ass-kickers are back, as the fighters from the popular "Mortal Kombat" video game series return to take on the malicious Shao Khan and his army of pajama wearing minions and multi-limbed warriors. As we last left our heroes Liu Kang, Sonya Blade, Johny Cage, Kitana and Rayden the God of Lightning, they had just saved the Earth from certain doom and conquest by the legions of Shang Tsung, doing so by defeating the angry sorcerer in the Mortal Kombat tournament. That's where the fun ends and the crap begins...

We open where we last left our heroes: standing in fighting positions prepared to face the oncoming onslaught of the evil Outworld Emperor Khan (Brian Thompson of DRAGONHEART and DOCTOR MORDRID)... and in the brief moments since striking that pose, Rayden sure has changed his appearance... bringing his cadre of flipping and hopping pajama ninjas and his mutant generals, Khan makes his move on Earth, saying that since it took "God" 7 days to create Earth, he shall take 7 days to destroy it, starting with the Mortal Kombatants. Johnny Cage is the first to go, as Kahn snaps the little prick's neck, bringing his role to an early end. Good for us, but bad for Sonya who apparently fell for the Hollywood pretty boy's, "I'm so fucking great you have to like me" demeanor. Rayden (James Remar, not pulling off half the hilarity of the wacky Christopher Lambert) pops open a portal and escapes with his chosen warriors, much to the chagrin of Sonya who's desperate to avenge Cage's murder. So, now they have a week to regroup, recruit, and revenge before the Earth meets it's doom, spelled S-H-A-O K-H-A-N. First things first, the team splits up to go find some back up, cuz they're gonna need it. So, like something out of the forgetable PC game "Scorch", our heroes hop into some "American Gladiator"-esque roller spheres and travel the winds of the Earth to go recruiting... man, if you think this SOUNDS funny, try watching it! Better yet, in the name of self-preservation, don't watch it, just imagine it in your head.

Liu and Kitana (still played by Talisa Soto) go to search out the Native American payote man Nightwolf for help, but along the way they run into the evil grey moto-crossing cyborg Smoke and his back up ninjas! Help arrives though in the form of... Sub-Zero?! I know what you're thinking, "if I asked really nice, would my significant other do oral on my ass?". Well, the answer is probably "no", unless your significant other has four legs, fleas and says "woof" a lot. Anyway, the Sub-Zero thing, yeah Sub-Zero died in MORTAL KOMBAT, impaled on an ice spear by Liu. However, this Sub-Zero is not the same guy. This is actually the original Sub's brother in one of Sub's old outfits and with the same "chilling" abilities. Speaking of which, he flash freezes the animatronic Smoke and turns him to robocicles. Just then, up pops that yellow zombie butthead Scorpion, who kidnaps Kitana and disappears into a portal. Now, I know what you're thinking, and no, George Bush Jr. is NOT a group of retarded midgets stacked on top of each other in a disguise, he really IS that incompitent... I think the old people elected him simply so they have a way of causing us younger folk pain long after they're rotting in the cold cold ground... As for Scorpion, well, uhm, there's no explaination why he's still around, but who gives a shit, let's just move on and get this over with. With Kitana gone and Sub-Zero soon pulling a disappearing trick of his own, Liu is left to search out Nightwolf on his own.

Elsewhere, Sonya returns to her old military compound, where she finds her ex-partner Jax, fresh off the operating table and sporting some fancy new cybernetic arms with which he can crush evil and defend the American way and crap... better be careful when you're having your "personal time" though Jaxx. Black or not, I don't know if even a dick like yours can withstand that kind of force! No sooner are the two having their happy little reunion then they're faced with the evil yellow moto-crossing cyborg Cyrax ... and more ninjas. After he and his goons get their asses handed to them, Cyrax goes self destruct. Sadly, the resulting explosion misses our heroes and they escape. Elsewhere, Kahn's generals bicker over which one is up their boss's ass further and there's mention of other MK characters Striker and Kabal, who have seemingly been put out of commision without us seeing so. Khan also makes it known that his real favorite is the ressurected Sindel: a banshee of a woman who also happens to be Kitana's dead mom... or not-so dead as the case may be. Meanwhile, Liu finally meets Nightwolf, and gets a schooling in halucinations and beastiality (ewww) when the red skinned warrior slips him some good ol'fashioned Indian happy juice. But, even after all that crap Nightwolf just disappears, leaving Liu with a funny feeling in his brain but no new recruit. Afterwards he faces the deceptive green ninja babe Jade. The two spar until Jade agrees to join Liu and lead him to Khan's secret fortress... yeah, I'd trust her. Just look at her Liu! She's ugly and flat and has this look in her eyes that says, "ha ha you stupid queef, you're falling for my trap!". But, the boy obviously doesn't watch many movies.

Next we have Sonya vs. Kitana look-a-like Mileena and Jax battling a big fleshless dragon. Both heroes are victorious, but a mob of Khan's ninjas (yes, more of them) force the duo to retreat. Meanwhile, Rayden has council with the Elder Gods as to why they would ley the villain Shoa Kahn violates the terms of Mortal Kombat and invade the Earth Realm and how he can stop him from taking over. Sonya and Jax then meet paths with Liu and Jade, so now all four of them can run away from Khan's samurai death squad posse... this is getting beyond repetative people, why not stay and fight? Or even stay and die! Either way, just stop running around like pussies okay? While on the run, the good guys are joined by Rayden, who know sports a "flashy" Aladdin outfit and looks like a friggin' Billy Idol imposter. Being of no use on Earth, the quintet hops a portal to Outworld, where they hope to save Kitana from Khan's Coney Island Disco Palace. What they get instead is some very unhip mojo from three Reptile clones (remember, the green ninja from MORTAL KOMBAT?) and that groovy old granny Sindel. Rayden gets off his ass for once and actually takes out Reptile and his illusionary dopplegangers, while Jade supposedly takes down Sindel... I tell ya, it's a scam! I don't trust that goofy faced dominatrix in training any further than I can stuff my dick up her gotch... approximately 37ft. Anyway, it's off to see the wizard as the heroes bust into Kahn's lair. Upon entering, Liu must first face the rubber faced, baseball jersey wearing Baraka who, despite his bad taste in battle uniform, has big sword-like claws extending from his forearms! Liu kicks his ass though... big surprise. Liu also engages in some Tarzan-ian hijinx with some of Baraka's fellow Outland mutants before saving Kitana. Then the heroic Chinaman must combat Sheeva, the wife of the fallen Goro (big 4-armed dude Johnny Cage smacked in the balls in MORTAL KOMBAT). He quickly splats her with a cage... that was one BIG disappointment.

But, the big "surprise" finally hits when the good fighters regroup together once more, as Jade reveals that she and Sindel are in cahoots and work for Khan... I want to TRY to act surprised, just to pity the writers, but I can't, I just can't... so instead I will kill them and put them out of everyone's misery! So, with their enemies gathered together in one spot, the two deceitful slanty-eyed broads pull off their master plan: run away before the good guys beat the shit out of them... great plan ladies. Enough of that debacle, let's move on to the next as a dragon tat on Rayden's back reveals his secret: he's Shao Khan's brother... and the contrived soap opera keeps dropping more and more baed plot twists out of it's anus like so many warm logs. Rayden and Khan finish their sibling rivalry in a violent fashion that leaves the Thunder God dead and bloody (he's mortal in Outworld). Now we get down to the last few action sequences, as Sonya takes on the red ninja (named either Noob or Saibot); Jax battles the movie's best special FX: the centaur monster Motaro; Kitana plays out am episode of "the Jerry Springer Show" as she gets physical with mommy Sindel; and Liu of course jumps into combat... oops again... "kombat", with Shao Khan. All the other good guys win, but since they're the important guys, Liu and Khan's fight plays out longer. Before you know it, "Mortal Kombat" becomes "Primal Rage" as the two go into "Animality" phase, when Liu becomes a dragon and Khan becomes a hydra (the big 8 headed Greek Mythology beast, not the little microbe thingy)... the madness doesn't end!!! Thanks the Godz that this shit is short lived, as the two revert back to human form. Liu wins, the world is saved once again, Rayden replaces his treacherous father (long story) as the new Elder God of Thuder, game over, everybody GO HOME!

ANNIHILATION is a perfect example of 12 lbs. of crap in a 4 lb. bag. The creators just tried to jam WAY to much stuff into a 90 minute movie... and a lot of that stuff sucked to begin with anyway! The story suffered greatly from this little mistake, as there were just TOO many characters that had so little, well, character. Also, don't get me wrong, I like some action in my movies, but this was NOTHING BUT FIGHT SCENES!! Don't get me wrong, some of them were good fight scenes, but a lot of them were so forced and clumsy that I think they severly injured my tolerance levels. As for the CGI, ANNIHILATION featured special FX that make the ones on "Xena: Warrior Princes" look like JURASSIC PARK. You can tell that most of the focus and budget was aimed at Motaro and Sheeva, but other than these two villains, everything else was done with a minimum of effort. The original kombatants (you know, the guys from the first movie) acted rather well, considering they've done this shit before. But, the new cast (especially that Remar cocksmoker who played Rayden) were just painful to witness. I condemn all involved with this film, including the writers, directors, actors, and grips, because you fuckedup royally and made Hollywood think twice about releasing potentially good video game flicks. As for Christopher Lambert, I commend him on his good judgment not to do this film and forgive him for HIGHLANDER 2!

Also Known As: MORTAL KOMBAT II: ANNIHILATION

Sequels: None

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