You know that urban legend about the giant Mexican rat? Where the parents go on vacation south of the border and want to bring their young son back something, so they buy what they think is a Chihuahua, but it turns out to be a giant sewer rat that winds u poisoning the kid or killing him or something? Anyway, Roger Corman, who'll make a movie out of anything, must've heard that story, decided to add an "E.T. MEETS GREMLINS kinda twist to it, and the result was the MUNCHIES. I motion that Corman be locked away somewhere. Not one of those weak asylums where the wackos are allowed to read books and play with stuffed animals and shit, I'm talking about one of those places the dangerous people go. Corman needs to be locked in a padded room 24 hours a day, strapped into a straight jacket and not allowed visits from anyone. He also shouldn't be allowed to look at books, that way he won't be able to plagiarize any already terrible ideas and make them that much worse! Now, if it pleases the court, I'd like to present my evidence that such an incarceration is required.

Our opening scene introduces the hero: Paul. Paul is a wanna-be comic (he's got a LOT of work to do before he should even CONSIDER giving up his day job) whose father, noted archaeologist and wanna-be alien hunter Dr. Simon, thinks he should give up his pipe dreams of making people laugh and stick with him in his crusade for old shit and Martians. Though Paul's doesn't like his dreams being stifled, the little turd can't seem to move out from under his daddy's wing, so he continues to dig through ancient debris with his father. On one of their digs they uncover an ancient Incan ruin, where, inside they find a little Mexican alien that looks like a miniature Anubis/Furby mutant in a Psychlo uniform. The father-son duo pack up the annoying little fuzzball and head back to their home in Mavisville, where Paul's re-united with his girlfriend Cindy. We're also introduced to the local mentally handicapped law enforcement, Deputy Scooter, anal retentive traffic cop whose minimal power has gone to his head... like that "Kids in the Hall" skit... I love that show... unlike this movie... which I can't stand... oh well, back to work.

When Dr. Simon has to go to some meeting, he leaves Paul and Cindy with babysitting duties. Problem is, they can't keep the hairball a secret, because Paul's neighbor Uncle Cecil (who looks kinda like Rip Torn with an afro) has the house bugged! Therefore, he's learned of Arnold (the MUNCHIE) and wants him for his own to exploit and make money from. So, with his henchman/step-son "Dude", Uncle C devises a plot to kidnap the mangy space pet. Meanwhile, Paul and Cindy are busy practicing the eternal damnation known as premarital sex, and Paul yells at Arnold when he/she/it interferes in the festivities. Dejected, the mongrel runs away elsewhere in the house and Paul and Cindy get back to playing Doctor (Giggles I hope). With the babysitters otherwise occupied, the villains make their move... when the villains are named "Uncle Cecil" and "Dude", you know you've been lured into a painful and possibly lethal cinematic trap. Anyway, Uncle C and the Dude (like "BJ and the Bear"?!) grab Arnold and run him next door. Excited about his new capture, Uncle C goes off to set up some kind of wacky get-rich-quick scheme, leaving Dude in charge of the space rat... that's like leaving Carrot Top in charge of, uhm... something really important and potentially lethal... I wanna say the big red button in the president's office, but, not THAT important and potentially lethal. Aw, screw it, you get the idea, Dude's a moron and this can only lead to peril and hi-jinx on a HOME ALONE scale.

Arn doesn't exactly get along well with Dude, and Dude gets seriously pissed with Arn's mischief, so he tried to kill the beast. But, things go from bad to worse when Dude cuts Arny in half. From the alien's split remains comes bubbly goo, and from this goo come 3 more creatures like Arn, turning him from Munchie to Munchies. These beasties aren't exactly like Arnold though, cuz they don't have hooves or snouts or curly tails... sorry, I been fantasizing about Zsa Zsa Gabour waxing my post all morning and that little "Green Acres" gag slipped in. Anyway, there's four of the little monsters now, and the first thing they do is proceed to kill Dude. The big thing that separates this pack of monsters from their original is they seem to speak a LOT more English that Arnold did, though at the same time, they don't try to hide their Mexican roots, as one sounds like as overexcited Cheech Marin impersonator... I get annoyed with this very quickly. After the ankle biters kill Dude, they go outside, where they run into Paul, who's noticed that Arnold was missing. These guys aren't none-too-pleased to see Paul though, since he was such a dick to Arnold before, so they fire at him repeatedly with a gun! Being so small and short-sited though, the Munchies miss him, and decide instead to just steal Dude's car and head off on a road trip! Maybe I'll luck out and they'll kill Tom Green on the way...

The Munchies don't kill any MTV personalities during their highway psycho freak out, but they do go all suburban ROAD WARRIOR on an old woman and a biker gang, which is somewhat amusing. Afterwards they pull along side the road and go for a swim in a pond where several tasty pieces of bikini clad ass are frolicking around like some wet dream. Paul and Cindy arrive about this time, and after sending the swimmers screaming, the razor fanged fiends escape into a drainage pipe. While Paul "consoles" the swimming kitties, the rat pack wind up at a roadside ice cream parlor. Here one of them pulls an E.T./"Birth of Man" scene with a boy in a ridiculous ice cream hat, then they just go rabid and terrorize the kid and his dumb-ass parents, both of whom are also wearing big retarded ice cream cone hats on their heads as well... though I think it fitting that such retardedly festive people should be terrorized in such a way, I would much rather it be by some creatures that will maim and maul them horribly, then kill them, as opposed to these midgets of the spaceways, who simply bite the father on the shoulder before scattering back to the sewers, frightened off yet again by Paul and Cindy. No offense to the Munchies, but I don't think Paul and Cindy could scare off those damn cookie selling Girl Scouts, let alone flesh eating monsters from Mexico!

Later that night, Uncle C, obviously undaunted by the death of Dude, opens up his landmark 36 hole miniature golf course! The promise of 36 holes of miniature mayhem is one of this film's only redeeming qualities. The other? Heh heh, a fast food restaurant run entirely by midgets! Now that gives new meaning to the term "short order"!... bah, I'm just one pathetic joke... someone put me out of my... nevermind, back to the mini golf bonanza! All these lucky people are just minding their own business, enjoying some moonlight putting, when who else but the Munchies should show up. On the prowl and picking off putters, the monsters soon empty out the entire mini putt populace. Uncle C's not into losing money and customers, not even to intergalactic rat people, so he takes matters into his own hands, hacking one of the gremlins (oops, wrong movie) into pieces with some hedge clippers! Surprise surprise, from the mangled pile of bubbling goo and limbs appear several more creatures, bumping their numbers up to seven! Even with reinforcements though, the Munchies once again flee into the sewers when Paul and Cindy arrive... are they frightened by Cindy's hair? Did Paul not put on deodorant? WHY THE FUCK ARE THOSE OVERGROWN ASS CRABS SO AFRAID OF THESE SECOND STRING HEROES?! I'd hate to see what they do if they were in a room with Ed Asner! I can see it now: so overcome by blinding terror, the Munchies decide the only way to escape the menace of the Asner Machine to eat each other. The final Munchie would then choke on the remains of his brothers if he's lucky. Then Ed Asner would likely eat whatever remains there are for himself... I'm so dried up right now, Ed Asner jokes are the best I can come up with... I need a vacation.

The Munchies escape into Uncle C's hidden underground bunker. Afraid that the attention the little critters (sorry, wrong movie again) are drawing will uncover his subterranean storage house for all his toxic waste... how a person can make money storing toxic waste I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with Uncle C's canned cheese industry. Damn, squeezy cheese makes my eyeballs itch... Meanwhile, at the local video rental depository, Paul and Cindy happen upon a lucky coincidence, when they witness one of the ghoulies (alright, the first three weren't funny, nor is this one, I'm sorry, I'll stop now) run into a mishap with electricity, and gets turned into a statue, which we learned earlier at some point is their original form, turned that way by an Incan High Priest in some way... you'll have to watch the movie for that info. Anyway, long story circumcised, Paul and Cindy find the Munchies in Uncle C's food processing plant (and here I thought those were just pubes in my cheese dip), and fry them all with electricity, turning them into easily broken statues and ending the Munchie menace forever... except for one statue that winds up in Dr. Simon's hands. He's rather disappointed, as he was promising his associate a real live alien, but the professor is instead pops a boner over the statue, blabbing something about it being a priceless antique and buying it from our heroes for a whopping $25,000. Very happy with this large sum of money, Dr. S is happy to give Paul his blessing to go be a stand up comedian... too bad it'll take more than his father's blessing to make him funny, but hopefully he'll wind up dead in a ditch and alone before that happens... the thought makes me warm inside :)

As for Uncle C, Paul uncovers some scheme of his consisting of putting toxic waste in cheese snack products. His until-now obedient police officer sidekick then arrests Uncle C and his trailer park Zsa-Zsa, taking them directly to jail, do not pass "Go", do not collect etc. etc. etc.... "look what happened to Linda Blair!". So, all's well that ends well... or atleast all's well as long as MUNCHIES just ends! Though some of the gags were funny and the Munchies themselves were moderately cool on occasion, I'm still happy this is over with. VERY happy. The acting was bad, as per any Corman feature, and the Munchie FX were horrible. The little creatures were horrendously puppet like. The muppets were far more realistic than these little furry balls of shit! Miss Piggy was a choice piece of ass in comparison! Not that I'd fuck a muppet... again... now that I think about it though, that pussy cat whore was looking nice after a couple shots of turpentine... Uhm, anyway, I gotta go take care of some things. But don't think that the MUNCHIES menace is over, because just as the final scene threatens to us, there ARE two sequels... And I suggest you stock your medicine cabinet with plenty of generic bottles of alcohol and prescription drugs, because you're gonna want to die as painless as possible when you watch either of them! Roger Corman's curse continues to bring pain even to this day...

Sequels: MUNCHIE; MUNCHIE STRIKES BACK

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: trying to have anal sex with a porcupine... or oral... fun for the whole family!