Boy, once again I stand alone against the overwhelming rage of popular opinion. This movie, directed by Italian Dario Argento (SUSPIRIA), hasn't been discredited by film critics... more like chained in a steel coffin, sunk to the bottom of the arctic ocean, and blown all to Hell with depth charges! The movie gets seriously trounced because devotees of the original book ("Phantom of the Opera" you wanker) bitch and whine that the movie doesn't stay true. Big fucking deal. If all movies stayed true to the sources from whence they came, there would never be any new stories! Hollywood would literally be pumping out the EXACT same flicks over and over again! Hell, just think of all the different Dracula movies! How many of them decide to stick with the Bram Stoker story word for word?! I don't hate Argento for not making a 100% faithful adaptation to the story, I actually admire him for using his own ideas, leaving the base story as influence. So, all you purists can take a nice healthy chomp out of my fuzzy ebon buttocks for all I fuckin' care!

As for the movie itself, which you probably came all this way just to read a review for, here we go. As I stated, this movie is a product of Mr. Dario Argento, cult favorite and creator of such horror classics as SUSPIRIA, DEMONS, and TENEBRE. Starring in the title role is none other than the WARLOCK himself, Julian Sands! As his lovely, but love torn babe Chrissy, proof that nepotism is alive and well, Dario's daughter Asia Argento! The Underworld's all fine and dandy, but to be honest, I'd rather be in Asia, heh heh. Our story begins with a poor couple, as they are forced to flush their newborn baby downriver, because they can't afford to feed another mouth. These are before the days of welfare, when kids were a financial burden, not just another $20 a month. The boy winds up washed up in the sewers, where he forms some kind of bond with the rats who dwell there, kinda like THE JUNGLE BOOK. Fast Forward to Paris, France (no, I thought it was PAris, South Dakota genius) 1877, where a trio of sewer workers (one of whom gets cut in half!) makes a ghastly discovery. Too bad for them that a guy with long blonde locks hacks 'em all up before they can do anything about it! Later, the same blonde dude shows up in the balconey of the now empty Paris Opera House, just in time to watch the beautiful and bra-less Christine bounce around the stage and practice her singing. Later, the two bump into each other, and the guy commends Chrissy on her lovely voice... and she somehow reads his mind. Elsewhere, back in the sewers, a dirty and obese weirdo gets his hand stuck in one of his own mouse traps, saying he was compelled to do so by an, "evil force". Ouch I say! Let's jump to another part of the sewers, where a curious stagehand from the Opera House takes his girlfriend on a little treasure hunt, searching out the mythical treasure that the phantom (think of him as an 1877 Paris urban legend) has been told to have hidden. What the couple gets for their mischief is some serious pain and death, when the Pahntom shows up, impaling the guy on a stalagmite and ripping out the babe's tongue, using only his pearly whites! Meanwhile, that gorgeous Chrissy gets the aprt she's been understudying so long for when the head fat lady gets a rather sudden soar throat. Back to the Phantom, his kill count continues to climb, as one of the Opera's resident pedophiles gets his throat ripped out (or he gets castrated, I can't really tell by the lousy camera work here) at the hands, er, "teeth" of the Phantom! But, while he's busy murdering perverts, a rich and debonaire dude has made a move on Chrissy! Now, she's gotta make a choice: rich handsome guy who hangs out at Opium Den/Bath Houses full of fat people, or the romantic yet sewer-dwelling hero of the rats? Despite what most chicks would take, Chrissy goes for curtain number 2, giving herself up to the Phantom's elusive shlong on his luxurious bed... yeah, French people like to flush fancy furniture down the toilet all the time... along with those big fancy harpsichords the Phantom plays, and his little row boat... Oh well, Chrissy's not really into the whole "Ninja Turtles Deco" style, nor is she into the idea that the Phantom's been killing people in the name of furthering her carreer, so she attempts to leave. Unhappy about this, Phantom strands her in his home, while he goes off to threaten the fat Opera bitch Carlotta, telling her he'll rip off her giant jugs if she sings in the big show! Despite this, the show still must go on, so Phantom brings the house down, literally no less, as he drops the Opera House chadelier, wiping out a decent slab of ticket holders in the process! Meanwhile, Chrissy finds she's also not into being held hostage, and she's sick of her new boyfriend's rat fetish, so she escapes the Phantom's subterranean bachelor pad, right into the arms of her other beau. Sadly for the new couple, the Phantom doesn't take kindly to other guys muscling in on his women. And too bad for that Phantom that, as soon as he kidnaps Chrissy, there's a whole posse on his ass! Chrissy's "other man" manages to wing our anti-hero, before Phantom decides it nobler to give than recieve, as he lets Chrissy and her boyfriend take his boat down stream to safety while he stay to hold off the pursuing mob. But, not even the Phantom can stand too many gunshots and stab wounds, as he eventually falls to the sewage from whence he crawled. and we end with a mourning Christine being rowed down the romantic tides of piss and shit river by her second string lover, Raoul. I thought this was an all around great flick for Argento. I've read the book, and no, this movie does not stay too true to the tale, but then again, neither did SLEEPY HOLLOW or any of Stanley Kubrick's films, but they were still minor masterpieces in their own right! Besides, if you put the whole book aside, and let this movie stand on it's own, it's great! Argento manages to take us to a new Paris, one that's actually artistic and surreal without all the terrible body odor and female armpit hair! The cast was excellent, Asia is a major babe and Julian is the best guy I know at going from "timid and romantic" to "bloodthirsty psychopath" in the span of 2 seconds! Plus, in addition to the surreal sets, the fine casting, and the buckets of graphic gore, good ol' Dario supplies us with comic relief in the form of that bastard, the Exterminator. His fat and goofy mischief reminds me of the overweight sidekick in CEMETERY MAN! SO, once again, congratulations Mr. Argento! Now, mind if I screw your daughter?

DVD X-tras: Photo gallery of the movie and behind-the-scenes; Filmographies of the movie's big names; a "Fangoria" artcile on the movie and Argento in general; Behind-the-scenes footage; theatrical AND video trailers; and an interview with the Phantom himself, Julian Sands, as he sports a Jack Deth hairdo, making him look like a young Tim THomerson! Actually, this wasn't an interview, but more of a rant session, where Julian talks about the movie, as well as his connections with it, and Dario Argento. Not bad, although, when you consider this all came from A-Pix, it's fucking remarkable!

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: SUSPIRIA or TALE OF THE VAMPIRE