From the land of fish & chips, bad dental hygiene and really shitty weather comes this little indy that takes a stab at the "modern" vampires genre to a mixed critical reaction. There are some indy film groups that give it high praise (just look at the cover sometime while you're sifting through the 'R's at your local video store's horror section between Razorback and Re-Animator), but for the most part, reviews I've seen have been wholly unkind. These are likely from people who pick it up looking for long-toothed lesbians in latex and are disappointed to find there's actually some kind of story they have to follow. That, and our female lead isn't exactly what I'd call a foxy lady, but since she's British I guess that's to be expected. Now Queen Elizabeth, there's a proper piece of the motherland I'd like to claim in the name of love. Ohhhhhh baby!

The Smile in question is that of Miss Lilith Silver, a vampire in modern day England who uses her unholy super powers to combat the forces of evil after the sun disappears behind the horizon... nah, I'm just shittin' ya, she really uses her powers to support herself financially through late night assassinations for anyone who can afford her price. Hey, makes sense after all if you think about it since she can stand up to gunshot wounds, she has enhanced strength and she can munch on the targets after she kills them. Plus, as she says herself, life isn't free, even for a vampire, so she's gotta make money somehow. You may wonder just how Lil became a frequent withdrawaler (remember kids, if it's not a word, you can't misspell it!) at the blood bank, and this is answered easily enough by our opening flashback. Back in the days when chicks wore big dresses with big cleavage and men wore frilly shirts and horse-riding pants so tight chicks could see the veins in your tubesteak, Lil's hubby got into a firearms duel with an odd old guy and lost, taking a belly full of lead. Allow me to take a moment out of this flashback to say that I think duels should still be allowed in our modern world. Every petty dispute from adultery to your neighbor stealing your newspaper could be taken care of with a simple bout of gunfire. Who knows, it might even help with all this damn overpopulation. I know what you're thinking, that murder and genocide just because there are a few million hungry mouths too many is wrong, but I can only reap so many souls before my arthritis and chronic lazy-ass fatigue kicks in and I'm the grumpiest motherfucker you've ever bumped into at the post office. So to you, my faithful denizens, I urge you to turn a deaf ear to that guy on "The Peoples' Court" and DO take the law into your own hands for a change! Do you covet your neighbor's wife? Challenge him to a duel! Get the green-eyed monster every time your friend shows you his fully stocked entertainment center compete with Nintendo GameCube, $500 DVD player and home theater surround sound? Duel him! Shit, even if you just go to the grocery store and some old woman takes the last box of Ho-Hos that you had a coupon for, bitch slap her upside the coconut with your shoe and shout, "You have insulted my honor elderly naive! A duel is in order!". Heh heh, "naive".

So, the duel goes off without a hitch, one man lives and one man dies, just another day in merry old England. Well, distraught that her lover was such a shitty marksman, the dead guy's woman grabs his gun and puts a hole of her own into the other man. The guy barely flinches though, and while the broad looks on in total confusion, the man's toadie empties a barrel in her silky white back. Instead of dying, the man she shot (obviously a vampire in case you missed that unsubtle plot point) instead takes her back to his place, lays her out on his nice clean sheets and does a little staking with some wood of his own. As I said, the woman in question is Lilith, and she's been around for an undetermined amount of time (more on that at the review's conclusion... hey, no fast forwarding to the end! You slimy bastards...) and now serves under the guise of the Angel Of Death: a female assassin who shoots her victims in the neck in an attempt to disguise her fang marks. Though that's almost creative, it's definitely on thing: stupid. Oh well, can't expect everything to get by without a groan or two. So, what does our femme fatale do when she's not shooting people in the neck (I can't even say something like that with a straight face, or in this case type with a straight... errr... finger... just keep walkin')? Why, she tries to blend in with the populace and what better place for a real vampire to hang out than with a bunch of people who wish they themselves were vampires: in the nocturnal hangouts of the "Goth" crowds... which is hilarious when you consider that the Goths were actually a tribe of uncivilized barbarian raiders...

Yes, Lilith hangs out with a small collaboration of poseurs in black vinyl dominatrix suits who just sit around drinking coffee, bitching about society and fawning over how great and romantic it would be to be a "real" bloodsucker. This is where some of the movie's better sequences take place, as Lilith tends to dispel all the myths these jackasses cling to, like not being able to cast a reflection and being able to turn into a bat. After all, how can these ghouls look so spiffy and pretty if they can't see what they look like?! Also, how can you explain a woman who's in the range of 6' - 6'3", maybe 130lbs. (I suck with guesstimates, so for all I know she could be 5'2" and 52lbs.) turning into a bat that would weigh no more than maybe 3lbs. and take up no more space than a woman's lower leg? Where's all that extra mass disappear to?! WHERE!? Gah, damn blood pressure and psychotic rages... I can see I'm gonna be cleaning a lot of blood off myself tonight... Back to her employment, Lil is currently contracted to take down members of a supposed Illuminati society. For those who don't know what the Illuminati is, feel free to go do some research on your own time. GeoCities only gives me so much memory to work with and I'm not burning on what little I know about secret societies. What I can tell you is that each member she kills is wearing a ridiculous little eyeball ring they all must've bought from Hot Topic, and part of the deal is that she takes these rings with her. However, when she aces one such victim while he's soaking in his tub awaiting the return of his lady friend, Lil gets cornered and has to take flight without the trinket. This scene is also notable, because it's a night scene, but instead of paying for the proper lighting equipment to illuminate an actual after dark setting, our director simply slips a dark blue filter over the camera. I couldn't tell if the scene was supposed to be taking place at night or underwater...

Leading the Illuminatis is none other than the very slug who made Lilith a member of the undead in the first place, who stirs up his comrades when he puts out the idea that the Angel Of Death that's been smoking them like Cubans as of late may just be a vampire. Remember kids, if anyone tells you that someone else is a vampire, chances are that they themselves are a vampire. Back to Lil, being as how she spends her free time bullshitting with chicks and pricks in shiny black underwear (and seeing as how this is a vampire flick), it's no surprise when she and a wanna-be vamp stain some bed sheets together. The worst part? Some of that blood on Lil's lips and bed didn't come from any lacerations... allow me to elaborate: Lil likes ladies most when they bleed naturally... ok, let me try this one more time: Lil likes her clams with their own catsup/kethcup... sorry, that's all I'm saying, I gotta move on before my lunch decides to annex from my stomach. Ultimately, Lil kills the girl, giving her the gift of death through physical pleasure and then torching her along with the rest of the apartment to destroy any evidence. This is followed by the clearing up of another myth of the Nosferatu: sunlight. Vampires can function in sunlight just like any other human beings with one exception: it really fucks up their oculars, meaning they gotta go all ZZ Top and slap on some cheap sunglasses if they go out. This also makes sense as other naturally nocturnal animals, such as raccoons and opossums, have eyes designed for seeing in the dark, so bright lights hurt their eyes, but it doesn't mean they can't do a little daytime trading of their own.

Back to business, Lil's identity has been uncovered, courtesy of the lady friend of her last hit, who saw her and pointed her out to one Illuminati member who also happens to be a British piggy. When the guy has her brought in for questioning as to the murder and accusations of her vampirism, she gets off with ease, playing up the "Vampires? I don't know any vampires! You're obviously insane!" angle and convincing the other officers that their co-worker's off his rocker. After heading back home, Lil's disturbed to discover that even her pothead internet hacker X-Philes know-it-all fatty friend can't help her out much as far as the Illuminati and their practices go. She does receive a videotape in her mail slot though, and it's not her latest installment of the Monty Python's Flying Circus Collection either. Upon viewing it seems that her would-be boyfriend/client has been taken hostage by the very people who hire him to hire Lilith to do their work, all because she botched her last job and left the plastic eyeball ring behind. Now she has to meet them at a secluded location and return all the money they fronted her or the guy gets it. Before that though, she has to deal with the Illuminati pig known as Price, kicking his ass and sending him packing when he raids her home and tries to kill her himself. He only makes it out with his balls in tact because she wasn't wearing her Blue Blockers when Price opened the curtains. He gets off with little more than a wooden stake in the gut... okay, so that's a little much for you mortals, but you get my meaning.

So, our anti-heroine shows at the agreed upon destination and rescues her partner, getting a brand new collection of spent lead slugs in her back before wasting a few hired goons. See, there's an advantage of using a middle man for your assassination business: not only does he not know you're a nigh-unkillable supernatural beast, but neither do the employers who are trying to fuck you over in the "we don't like your work anymore so we're sending you to the morgue" way, which is the kind of office politics I play... or would provided I had an office in which to play them. Sure enough, before the action is over, the head vampire guy makes himself known, revealing that it was in fact he who was doing the hiring and sending Lil to kill the other Illuminatis. The only thing I can't figure out now is why the guy's having his own people killed. After all, he's already the leader of the group, so why have his followers wasted? Sure, followers can get annoying after a while with their blind servitude, but he's really gonna miss them when they're all dead and he needs a glass of Kool-Aid and their aren't any people around to get it for him. He'll be sittin' back in his Laz-E-Boy, fully reclined and half melted into the slick and comfy vinyl, when his taste buds go dry and start sending unfriendly nerve impulses to his vampire brain saying, "Hey you fuckin' geezer, we need some liquid refreshment post haste here!". Yeah, that's when he'll regret it most... and when he needs someone to take the fall for his various scandals, being a British man of high power after all.

The crusty old fart gets his mitts on Lil's love machine, ventilates his major organs and leaves the protagonist with a choice: feed off of the guy and heal her own near fatal wounds, or open herself up and feed him back to health instead, making him a vampire and sacrificing herself at the same time. What's a modern vampire woman to do? Well, if she dies then we have no movie, so she makes the sacrifice and eats her man as per his request... completely ignoring the other 5 guys she just killed and could have fed on instead. But that would've ruined the faux drama we've got going on. Now she's got one goal: the mutilation and bodily harm of Mr. Sethane Blake... he's the old vampire guy... his name's Sethane Blake... yeah... As for Price, a stake in the spleen wasn't enough to deter him from his Illuminati duties, as he simply inhales some military grade PCP, killing the pain and turning him into a nigh-invincible psychopath, ready to go finish with Lilith once and for all. He finds her at Sethane's palacial estate (ah ha! Now we see where all the Illuminati weekly membership dues are going!), where she has to battle his sinister she-vampire minions and display to us the only way you can really kill a "true" vampire: decapitation. After taking care of Seth's women, she prepares to go for Sethane himself, which is where Price comes in, brain fucked on powdered Nirvana. Finally though he decides he's tired of screwing around with the undead and just blows his own brains out, with some of those famous British last words: "Oh Bollocks". Lil and Seth then get on with it and duel each other in the climactic final battle, ripe with various speeds of film, from slow to fast to normal, until Lil finally disarms the fiend and...

Lets him live... and has a laugh with him... and makes out with him. Yes, they were in cahoots the whole time and this has all been a game. That's right, Lil and Seth are a happily screwing vampire couple. The Illuminati, Lil's middle man/boy toy, the plastic eyeball rings and all the violence has been part of an elaborate roleplay the two do ever so often to keep their immortal lives interesting... like a Red Snapper across my jaw kids. Out of nowhere I was knocked for a loop. It's one of those moments where you sit and think, "okay, the camera work was pretty basic, the FX were weak, the acting was plain and the prosthetic teeth were two sizes too big for everybodys' mouths (especially Lilith's, whose fangs gave her that horse faced appearance every time she'd unsheathe 'em), but the ending walloped my ass across the park and over the back wall. In a non-sports reference, let's just say I was caught off guard, me, a scholar of this shit. Though that's not always the sign of a good movie (The Bone Collector is a perfect example of one of those nots), it was the best aspect of this movie, bumping it up a peg or two. Despite the numerous camera tricks used by the director, the all around feel was very amateur and you could tell it's the man's first released work.

Just like Lilith says in the movie, "I bet you think you know all about vampires..." and yes, I'd like to think I do. Between all the movies I've seen, stories I've read and hallucinations I've had, I'd like to think there isn't really a vampire myth anymore that would surprise me or make me think beyond the average daily allowance of "eat, sleep, masturbate, watch TV". However, for those who don't immerse themselves into stuff like this, a few of the concepts displayed in Razor Blade Smile might catch your attention. Then again, maybe you're one of those close minded conservative Nazi types who refuse to believe anything other than what they've been taught all their life, and therefore can't enjoy any vampire fare that dances outside of the old "they turn into bats and they can't have garlic on their pizza rolls" shpiel. Stakes through the heart, crucifixes, sunlight, no reflections, blah blah blah blah, it's all been done. I enjoyed RBS mostly for it's focus on dispelling old vampire myths and creating new ones, because I'm all liberal and shit. Hey, it's the same reason I liked Return Of The Living Dead: because it broke the standards set forth by George Romero and made the undead interesting again. I can only watch so many zombies get their brains blow out or vampires flash-fried in the morning sun before it gets stale and I need some new flavor. Speaking of flavor, I'm in the mood for something spicy tonight, so I think I'll go warm up some leftovers from that Mexican broad I turned into burritos the other day. Mmmmmm, burrrrrrrritos.

So, if you can overlook the low grade elements and instead focus on the flick's all around attitude and twist ending (though now you already know, so it won't work as well for you... I'm evil people, get over it), then you just might enjoy it as much as I did... though the drugs help... yes, the drugs aaaaaaaaaalways help... Before I go though, I have to point out one more little thing that tripped me up. In the final scene, when Lilith and Sethane are yammering about how brilliant they are, it's slipped that Lil has only been a vampire for half a century, i.e. 50 years, though in the opening flashback, as I mentioned, everyone involved was dressed like it was the 1800s. This means that somebody fucked up and perhaps Lil was supposed to say she's been a bloodsucker for a century AND a half, or it means that people in 1940s England were still dressing in Victorian wardrobe... Enough, I'm not a fashion expert (at least not anymore), so I'm ending this now. Adios!

DVD X-tras: From those assholes at A-Pix "Entertainment", this DVD brings us a behind-the-scenes still photo gallery; an article about the movie from a bad-ass broads magazine called "Femme Fatale"; and a trailer for Razor Blade Smile as well as other A-Pix butt logs Uncle Sam , Breeders , The Killer Tongue and Jack Frost, the closest thing to "good" in the group. Oh, and there's an ad for the official A-Pix outhouse of the internet: HorrorMovies.com. I would've put a link to it here, but if you haven't realized, I don't like A-Pix... at all... in fact I hate them... with a passion unknown in this or any other reality... so much... just pure hate... so damn much... grrrrr...

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: From Dusk Till Dawn or Modern Vampires