Charles Band's "Full Moon Pictures" company brings us this sequel-of-sorts to his mediocre wonder ROBOT JOX, which came to us courtesy of his old movie company, "Empire Pictures". This time, we are lucky enough to be treated to, not only more stop action fighting amongst over-sized Go-Bots, but we also get to feast our eyes on the luscious Barbara Crampton, whom the French refer to as "le babe", pronounced "lay babe", as in "boy do I ever wanna"! Sadly though, despite the beautiful Miss Crampton (who cheats us out of a potential full frontal nude shower shot, since this is a fucking PG rated movie) and the battling 'bots, this movie was a huge disappointment. Mainly due to the contrived storyline, bad attempts at what they apparently considered "humor", and unlikable characters, not to mention (though I'm mentioning it now ironically) the lack of killer robot action, restricted to mostly boring shots of a passenger robot walking through the dessert. Our opening scene introduces us to our main unlikable character, the not-so dashing "hero without a war", Captain Marion Drake. He's the driver of the Mega Robot Something-or-other, which is a big scorpion robot, used for a tour bus of all things. He and his sidekick, the also annoying Stumpy, get into field maneuvers to give the tourists some "oooh"s and "ahhh"s while they make a few tanks go *boom*. On said tour bus is our heroine Lita, played the aforementioned fantasy drool-fest, Barbara Crampton. Lita's going on the tour, because she smells something rotten in the tourist trap of Crystal Vista. Sure enough, Crystal Vista happens to be home to the secret underground base of the villainous renegades, the Centros. Lita and her hot reporter friend Annie get into the mischief, and it's revealed that our supposedly friendly pals the Asians are really in line with those Centro assholes, when their head diplomat General Willy (who was supposed to just be buying a contract for his own little security bots) hijacks the scorpion bus! Now, it's up to the hung-over and violent Captain Drake and his unwashed little partner Stumpy to save Lita from the Centros, then rescue the hostages that General Willy's taken in the tour scorpion. But, how do you stop a rampaging robotic scorpion? Well, just do what our heroes do and jump into the super robot Lita found in the Centros' undercover lair, then bust some ass! The only problem is keeping those damn hostages safe, so as to avoid murder charges... Here I would take the SPEED philosophy, but Drake opts to rescue the hostages instead, just in time to toast General Willy's yellow ass to a crisp black, then fall madly in love with the hot young Lita in a predictable Hollywood finish. First impression upon this film's completion? That would have to be, "Damn, for a movie called ROBOT WARS, I sure expected a lot more ROBOT and a lot more WARS. But, I received neither. All I got were two terrible actors playing guys name Drake and Stumpy, and two tasty tits, restricted by two foul letters: PG. On the plus side, the tape's "Video Zone" section features a documentary on my orchestral hero for hire, Richard Band! It also features a "making of" for ROBOT WARS, which includes Albert Band complaining because he had to make the movie alone, since his irresponsible son Charles, who was going to direct it with him, never showed up for filming. No surprise, as this movie was probably created in a 20 minute span, and traffic could've held back Chuck for a half hour at least. Oh well, I figure this whole movie was just Chuck's lame attempt at a Father's Day present anyway. "Here dad, for Father's Day, I'm not going to give you those monogrammed adult diapers or the "South Park" water bong like you wanted, instead I'm gonna let you direct a low budget, Direct-to-Video movie loosely based on one of my mediocre Empire Pictures movies! You'll love it!". We see how far that went. Oh, and don't worry all you PUPPET MASTER fans out there, because PUPPET MASTER 54 will be hitting theaters before 2041!

Sequels: CRASH AND BURN... sort of

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: ROBO WARRIORS or ARENA