For anyone who thought that the term, "Montazuma's Revenge" referred to the effect Mexican water has on American digestive systems, I think you'll change your opinion when you see this film. After all, which is the greatest revenge, diarrhea or insanity? THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY is the finale to the Aztec Mummy trilogy, and is considered by many viewers to be the absolute worst of the Aztec Mummy flicks... I however have to take it one step further, and claim that it's not only the worst of the Aztec Mummy series, not only one of the worst movies to come out of Mexico altogether, but is one of the worst horror movies EVER made ANYWHERE! Pathetic costumes for BOTH title characters, especially the Robot, who makes anything in an Ed Wood movie look like something out of "the Best of Stan Winston" collection! As for the mummy, it's not much more visually impressive than it's opponent...

You might be thinking, "Okay, so the special FX suck, you've established that. But perhaps the story and acting can make up for that. After all, movies aren't just eye candy, there are many aspects to film!". Stop living in the clouds and get your head out of the murky, dank, festering environment of your ass you insipid invertebrate! Put all your hopes and dreams to rest in peace, because EVERYTHING about THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY is unbearably BAD! It's not even a fast-paced bad, but a slow and boring bad that will make you pray for a sudden and massive case of intestinal cancer. 20 minutes into it, you'll wish you had ABOMINATION-like tumors colonizing your entire body... that, or you'll just fall asleep and have nice dreams about licking Bavarian cream off of Drew Barrymore in her POISON IVY days... unfortunately for you ladies though, you're stuck with sauerkraut and a very wrinkled and flaccid Tom Skeritt. Anyway, enough complaining, there'll be plenty of time for that during (and after) the review.

The opening narration tells us some complete b.s. about how the movie is based partially in actuality, as it contains "actual data mixed with fiction". Yeah, it sure does, like the "actual data" that people live in houses and commonly communicate through speech, while everything else for the next 65 minutes is all lies and a fat guy in a wrestling mask... actually, if the fat guy wore his damn mask through more of the film it might've at least been amusing, as I love laughing at fat men in masks. Many a night I've stood in front of my mirror and... that's not important right now. Our story begins as two doctors pay their psychiatrist friend Dr. Edward Almadan (whose moustache makes him look like the Mexican equivalent of Vincent Price) a visit as per his request so he can regale them with numerous flashbacks about hypnotism, an ancient hobo in filthy rags who sleeps in a cemetery and some cursed jewelry. Seems Dr. Ed is an early practitioner of the use of hypnotism to put parents into a past life regression. His colleagues at the Mexican Psychology Association (including villainous Mexican underworld crime boss Dr. Krupp, who becomes "the Bat" when he puts on his black suit and wrestling mask) laughed him and mocked him for his radical theories, but to prove his methods to be true he did a little experiment with his wife Flora. After putting her under, the doctor learns that Flora was an Aztec princess in a former life. She fell in love with some lowly warrior guy and eloped with him instead of saving herself for her destiny as a ritual sacrifice. The lovers were captured though and the boyfriend was buried alive while the princess was returned to her status as sacrificial lamb, spread out on a slab and her heart hacked out.

On the chick during the sacrifice was placed a golden bracelet and breast plate, engraved with hieroglyphics that, when deciphered, would lead to some hidden Aztec treasure. So, to prove the whole thing's for real and not just a bad LSD trip, Dr. Ed, Flora, and a couple friends packed their bags and headed to the location of the temple, lead by Flora, who remembered everything from her hallucination. The gang uncovers the remains of Flora's former vessel, still laid out on the slab the way she was sacrificed centuries ago, with the gold jewelry still on her. So, as "proof of his theory" and not for the material wealth, Dr. Ed snags the breastplate and the group leaves. However, unknown to the amateur archaeologists, the sinister Dr. Krupp, in full "the Bat" costume, followed them and saw everything happen... and somehow I doubt it was for Psychological purposes. After returning home, Dr. Ed was obviously overcome by the intrigue and monetary gain of plundering lost civilizations, so he and his friends returned to the tomb to recover the bracelet too, allowing them to unlock the location of that damn Aztec gold stash. Of course, when they do go back, they find that they've awakened the boyfriend, returning him to the land of the living like some chivalrous goon who now shuffles through the halls of the temple to make sure his (extremely) old lady doesn't lose her bracelet too... and he's gotta be one of the worst dressed ghouls I've ever had the misfortune of laughing at. Though our looters narrowly escape the monster, it wouldn't be their last encounter with the shabbily dressed fiend... and it's FAR from being the last boring flashback that Dr. Ed beats us to death with...

As Dr. Ed continues, it seems the monster followed the thieves back to their home, where he kidnapped Flora and carried her back to his lair, preparing her for another sacrifice... boy, sucks to be one of Flora's lives, doesn't it? At the last minute, Dr. Ed busts in on the festivities, shows off the skill she learned at the Indiana Jones Academy of Marksmanship by shooting the knife from the ghoul's grasp and leaping in superhero style to his bride's rescue. While he helps Flora out of the tomb, Flora's father holds the rag man at bay with a cross while everyone makes their second escape... okay, how the FUCK does a Christian symbol of worship ward off a creature bred from a religion in which the symbol of the cross and everything else in Christianity had NO baring?! Yeah, the monster's undead, but he's not a Satanist, nor is the product of any anti-Christian order that the cross would have any effect on!!!! I don't think the Aztecs even held a belief system with a basis in anything even RESEMBLING Heaven and Hell!!!! It's shit like this that leads me to cause stuff like the black plague in the first place... Anyway, this time something decent actually happens, as Flora's dad sacrifices himself to blow up the tomb and bury the tattered, oatmeal-faced monster under a ton of Styrofoam blocks, or should I say under a ton of "stone rubble". Don't think it's over yet though, Dr. Ed's still got PLENTY to tell us yet... somebody cut out his vocal chords or something, just shut his dirty Mexican mouth before I have to stab my brain with Q-Tips!

The next segment involves "the Bat" again, who intends to get the location of the hidden Aztec gold by hypnotizing Flora and kidnapping both her and the young Almadan daughter, using them to force Dr. Ed to translate the cursed jewelry and point him and his cronies to the treasure. Everything goes as planned, and just when it looks like we're all going to be spared and the Almadan's are about to be executed, in comes the mummy once more, this time to beat on fat boy and his goons, ending the encounter by tossing chubby into his own pit of vipers... bet he regrets having that little feature installed into his hideout... which I think is located in his parents' basement... After vanquishing the bad guys, the pathetically garbed creature collects the evil fashion accessories and shuffles off to bed, leaving the Almadans to their own deeds... and the flashbacks STILL aren't over! The pyramids weren't built in a day, but I can guarantee they were built in less time than these forsaken flashbacks are taking! Damn it Dr. Ed, just because you're a boring Psychologist doesn't mean you have to drag out your pointless storytelling! Save that for the crazy fucks who actually pay you to do this shit! As we continue (ARGH!), it seems Dr. Krupp escaped a death by snake bites, using a secret escape hatch in the back of the pit to elude any venomous fangs pointed his way. He may have gotten a few in the ass, but there's so much fat back there it'll take a good 6 or 7 years before any of it gets through his cholesterol caked bloodstream and does him any serious damage beyond a case of heartburn.

So, always the persistent survivor, Krupp returns to the Almadan household once more to use a post-hypnotic suggestion to call out Flora to his command... and although under the fat man's total control, she still stops to put on a nightgown before going out into the chilly night air... yeah, great job there Dr. Pathetic. Using Mrs. Almadan apparent romantic link to the bandaged ghoul, Krupp orders her to direct him to the mummy's new whereabouts, since her father bombed out the poor zombie's original home. She leads them to the local cemetery, where the villains pistol whip the place's crotchety old caretaker and discover the creature squatting in some poor family's burial crypt. Now sure of the monster's hiding spot, Dr. Krupp sends Flora back to bed (as opposed to taking advantage of a lovely lady like herself in that kind of submissive state), erasing any memory of where she's been or what she's done... though the dirty slippers on her feet and her filthy nightgown might be some indication. And sure enough her stained garments do just that, as Dr. Ed and his inturn/sidekick Pincate ponder the soiled state of her clothing, taking a sample of it to a scientist friend of theirs. The guy analyzes the crud and pin points it's origin to a cemetery environment, which, by process of elimination, eventually leads the two heroes to the exact graveyard, where they too find the monster snoozing in someone else's resting place... dirty bum. Then, according to Dr. Ed in the present, he and his little buddy have been keeping tabs on the monster's resting place, making sure the breastplate and bracelet remain where they belong. They also haven't heard much out of "the Bat" or his men... until recently... FINALLY we're done with the friggin' flashbacks!

Seems that there's been some robberies recently, in which bizarre items have been pillaged, namely a cadaver, a human brain and some dangerous radioactive materials. Seems Dr. Krupp has something in mind and Dr. Ed and his junior boy scout friend Pincate are intent on finding out just what the bad doctor's plan is. Sneaking into the villains' warehouse headquarters, the two wind up captured and Dr. K reveals his plan in James Bond "master criminal" fashion, unveiling his plot to destroy the Aztec Mummy with his latest invention: a monster henchrobot! Yes, finally, after over 45 minutes of waiting, the robot gets screen time... and it's hilarious! This apex of man made machinery consists of a guy in a bulky, square costume forged of aluminum siding and old stove piping! It's like a junkyard Frankenstein! It's not "the Six-Million Dollar Man", it's "the Six Dollar Man"! All that flashback torture was almost (ALMOST) worth the wait just to see this pathetic screen creation that will forever live on as the cheapest robot I've ever seen! And I've seen ROBOT HOLOCAUST! HAHAHAHAH! Okay, let me catch my breath for a second here................ okay. What exactly does the evil Psychologist intend to do with the Aztec gold when he finds it? Why, he plans to build a whole army of these budget cyborgs and conquer the world!... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Sorry, I just need a few more seconds...........

Alright, as I was saying, the bad guys head to the crypt, where their radium powered 'bot fries that poor caretaker (everyone who walks through the cemetery gates seems to beat on the poor old shlub) and awakens the mummy so they can have their titanically terrible tussle of the century. The two basically bitch slap and push each other around like pansies before the mummy gets the upper hand and hugs the mechanical monster to death before completely tearing the industrial clown into it's seperate components. After dismantling the fourth class Tin Man, the ghoul then heads for Dr. Krupp and his goons, finishing the job he'd botched 5 years earlier before gathering up the bracelet and breastplate yet again and heading back to sleep forever in the rubble that was once his tomb. Thank every fucking deity that anyone has ever worshipped that this shit it finally over! Most of the time, black & white films score extra points with me because the lack of color makes for an ominous and looming tone, but in this case I think it just spared us having to see this wretched waste of film in color!

Everything was bad, nothing was good, there was nothing redeeming about this film and I feel all the worse for actually wasting the time watching it. I could've done something more constructive, like teaching kids how to dissect their siblings using rusty gardening tools stolen from their neighbors sheds, or how to turn aborted fetuses found in the dumpsters at the local hospitals into homemade footballs to sell for profit, but instead I spent 65 minutes torturing myself in a non-sexual way, killing another 5 gallons of my already waning humanity and feeding my hatred of society that much more. Is it the DVD manufacturer's fault for producing it? Is it the Mexican Film Society's fault for not destroying all remnants of the film back in the '50s? Is it K-Mart's fault for selling it to me for $3? Or, is it my fault for existing? I don't know, but rest assured that all responsible will pay for their crimes, and they will feel my pain ten fold! As for me, I better pluck the porcupine spines from my eyes and ears before they get infected, so I'll be taking my leave now. Oh, and your mom called and said you should stop masturbating to her picture, it's really creeping her out... "You're completely mad! And ignorant also!".

DVD X-tras: Nothing... not even a trailer... which is good, because the less I have to see of this movie the better!

Also Known As: THE AZTEC MUMMY VS. THE HUMAN ROBOT

Sequels: this is the last of the AZTEC MUMMY movies... and for good reason!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Jumping up my ass and searching for a mummy of your own. Feel free to clean the place out with your tongue while you're in there... you deserve it.