Did you enjoy ROBOT JOX, so much so that you wish it would get a modern update? Well, if you're one of these strange people, then you're in luck... kinda. ROBO WARRIORS is a blatant example of this. I'd say it's just a third rate knock-off of a second rate Charles Band produced sci-fi flick, but it's a TOTAL covering of ROBOT JOX, right down to the ending and the "one of the characters is a spy" angle! It's sad that movie makers today can't even copy GOOD movies anymore, as they're reduced to targeting mediocre flicks, and soon... really bad ones. I hope to be dead, face down in a puddle of Slim Fast and Tommy Lasorda's liposuction drippings the day there's a remake of ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE. With that pleasant image in mind, allow me to continue.

Our story takes place in the year 2036. If this film is as accurate as my Magic 8-Ball, then it looks like we're going to be conquered by a race of your typical alien invaders, who, like most cinematic spacefarers, happen to look very humanoid and share qualities with Earth's reptilian tenants, meaning that all forms of extraterrestrial life are just combinations of two different Earthling species... I don't know how it works either, but Dr. Headuphisass, a cohort of mine from the local Institute of Bullshit Science and Hollywood Physics, sums it up like this: "it is possible that a black hole (such as the ones found in most common household sock drawers) may have appeared randomly on the Earth in a small, isolated area in which a human couple and a lizard were engaging in, well, let's say 'unnatural acts'. On their journey through the rip in space and time, the reptile's molecules migrated into the humans', integrating themselves and bonding with the foreign DNA, creating a hideous mutant of a creature that walked on four legs and urinated from it's mouth, taking in sustenance through it's rectum (damn near killed him!). These new creatures were then regurgitated from the primordial ooze of negative space onto the surface of a far off planet, where it found a conveniently breathable atmosphere and much conveniently placed vegetation and water sources. We in the Hollywood sciences field call this the Law Of Bullshit Conveniences. Anyway, from here the creatures mutated further and evolved, at one point taking a form much like television's Dick Clark, before finally becoming the Teridaxes found in the movie ROBO WARRIORS. As for space travel, well, let's either say that their technology evolved with their bodies, or that another species of alien landed on their planet and they stole the technology to go out and conquer the galaxy. I've been informed that many of you are stroking guns, so I will now open up the floor for discussion. Thank you."

And thank you Dr. Headuphisass. Though the movie never exactly gives a reason the Teridaxes are so similar to the humans in ROBO WARRIORS, there a million different theories that I could come up with, none of which would make more sense than the simple, "the FX budget couldn't handle anything more than lizard men" theory, so I'm sticking with that, not that the good doctor's theory didn't serve to waste time and space and energy. So, whatever their origins, these lizard men known as Teridaxes have taken over our planet and replaced conventional war with a more gladitorial form of combat using giant robots... again with the giant robots. With all the movies we could find that determine the fate of alien races with simple one-on-one, sportsman-like combat, I imagine that Vince McMahon would be the richest person in the galaxy, if only he could get a satellite strong enough to beam his WWF into the cosmos... So, anyway, as you can see, the ROBOT JOX parallels are about as subtle as a sickle to the groin. The only difference so far is that it's no longer human vs. human, it's human vs. alien, as the producers of ROBO WARRIORS felt that ROBOT JOX was obviously lacking one thing: actors in reptile make-up. As with any story that I find myself struggling to sit through (with no variety of metaphors enough to portray my pain), the hero of the film has to be a kid. In this case the kid is young Zack, a junior computer hacker who's on a mission to seek out the legendary human resistance fighter named Gibson. Somehow young Zack believes that, if he and Gibson can get their hands on a ROBO WARRIOR, then they can single-handedly save the planet... and being a movie, you know that it's going to happen, no matter how many logistical errors have to be made, or how much common sense must be sacrificed.

After all his hard work finally pays off, Zack finds Gibson, only to discover that he's degenerated into a common, everyday, "drunken and defeated soldier without a war" kinda characters common to these kinds of films. When Zack brings the fallen warrior back to his house though, Mrs. Zack's Mom gives the vet a pep talk and quickly convinces him to straighten up and fly right. Gib and Zack then set out to a jungle locale to uncover a ROBO WARRIOR that was built by Zack's grandpa and buried in an underground bunker long ago. The not-so-dynamic duo manage to get the metal beast up and running with relative ease, which is odd, considering that Zack has had NO hands on experience with ROBO WARRIORS, yet you'd think he's a master mechanic. Upon releasing the lumbering iron giant, our heroes defeat a Teridax patrol robot and hide their new toy once more, until they can formulate a plan of conquest, and so Gib can take Zack back to his mommy and keep his underaged nose out of grown-up matters... which we all know he'll disobey and eventually save the day by doing so. With a new 'bot finally under his control, Gibson appeals to the leaders of the Teridax militias for a one-on-one game of over-sized Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots™, one battle for the fate of the Earth... or they could just disintegrate the upstart and maintain their control of the planet like nothing happened. But, considering the humans are the good guys, the Teridax obviously don't think of that as an option. While Gib prepares for his battle, Zack's widowed mother tries putting her feminine wiles on Gibson. Damn, her husband is dead and now she's trying to jump his best friend's bone! What a bitch!

The time finally arrives and Gibson battles Darius, the best of the Klingon poseurs, in a ROBO WARRIORS duel. Surprisingly impressive I might add, the fight turns to trouble for our representative of the human race, when his ROBO WARRIOR seems to suddenly malfunction for no reason and he's forced to evacuate. Not to worry though, because, while the Teridax pud is slapping around the broken 'bot, Gib makes his way inside the Teridax machine and fucks with the mechanisms. Yes, the Teridaxian is rather surprised when his suit suddenly fucks him over and blows a flange, leaving him to evacuate as well. So, Darius and Gibson pull a total ROBOT JOX rip-off and end their duel in hand-to-claw, man-to-monster combat, putting aside their advanced technologies in favor of the most primitive of battle... we all saw it the first time it was done and we know what the outcome is: the good guy wins. Yes, Gib comes out on top of his opponent, defeating him and winning back bragging rights for us monkeys as well as the planet. Oh, and if everything else wasn't shameless plagiarism to the point of pathetic, there's also a mole in the human military, who's under the employ of the evil aliens. He gets rooted out as the one responsible for Gib's mechanical troubles and is dealt with appropriately for selling out his species. Big fucking deal.

All in all not terrible, but I actually liked it better when it was called ROBOT JOX... and I can't stress that point enough. Even with the improved FX technology, I was still far more impressed with the Empire Pictures film and the superlative stop-motion talents of Mark Rappaport. As far as the story goes, ROBOT JOX had this inner turmoil, civil war thing going on, with humans fighting humans, complete with racism and class typing. ROBO WARRIORS simply drops that angle in favor of a basic "alien invaders" motif that's beyond unoriginal to the point of, "I think I'll just pop some cyanide and take a long nap, since I already know EXACTLY what's going to happen here". As I said earlier, logic and common sense take a back seat to a rehashing and bad retooling of films past. Ian Barry is basically a wanna-be Stuart Gordon, and lacks the majority of Mr. Gordon's talents. Barry's career as of this review is far from impressive, including a few episodes of short-lived TV shows and a couple episodes of the Sci-Fi Channel original series "Farscape". About the only thing that I thought was superior to ROBOT JOX here was the Richard Band soundtrack, though even that wasn't exactly anything spectacular, as I think Dick just through the stuff together one weekend while he was sitting around watching reruns of "Fraser". If you didn't like ROBOT JOX, you're probably not gonna be an advocate for ROBO WARRIORS, and if you are, well, I'll club this seal to make you a better deal! That reminds me, I've gotta get back into my campaign for the UHF special edition DVD, and have no time to burn on second rate knock-offs of mediocre movies from the early '90s, so I'll be going now.

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: ARENA or ROBOT JOX