I am a heathen. While I am writing this review, there's a perfectly good copy of the new THE OMEN sitting in my DVD player, already a day late to the rental store and still waiting to be reviewed. What am I doing instead of watching it? I'm sitting in front of this radiation box, soaking up sperm killing rays, and typing up a review to ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE. "For Gods' sakes man, WHY!?" keeps running through my head, and here's the reason: to hopefully prevent you, the readers, from renting this tragedy! I make sacrifices like this for the good of you guys out there in internet land, so you better damn well appreciate it! Preferably in the form of DVDs or money... As for this thing that I refuse to refer to as a movie, it gets my seal of "Worst Film Ever Made"! Hell, you know it's gonna be BAD, just by the title alone! It features not-so-special FX by a guy named "Arnold Garuillo II". Shouldn't that be "junior"? I mean, they might've used II on names back in the middle ages, but not today damn it! I feel like his name should be followed by a subtitle like "Garuillo's Revenge" or "the Return of Arnold"! Anyway, the flick opens with some stupid housewife getting charred in her oven, killing her husband, and causing her son to scream in terror... One of those damn 80's "hair bands", the Tritons, runs off to Canada to spend 5 weeks in the family's farmhouse and record their new new "chart topping" album and "get back in touch with their music"... and each other I'll bet. Okay, there's the leader (who looks like the lead from Whitesnake), the drunken Aussie (gotta hate the overplayed accent... I mean REALLY hate it!), the preppy guy who just married his long time girlfriend (why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?), the 4th guy (the one everyone disregards and ignores), and with them is their manager and girlfriends (who are all carbon copies of each other except for the bitch of the team). Oh yeah, one of the chicks also doubles as keyboard player. The bitch drinks some hand puppet's vomit, which she mistakes for Coke, and becomes possessed. Soon enough, the manager and the group's van "disappear". The group finishes their practice for the night and split up for the usual "everyone gets laid but Anubis" night, common to 80's horror. The Tritons' only four groupies show because they heard their fantasy boys were in town. Their manager Phil "takes care of them". One by one, the band falls as they become possessed by the house's evil powers... at least demonic possession has improved the Aussie guy's performance on the drums and in the sack (and it's mercifully killed his accent too)! Maybe it could do the same for the leader's waning libido and wardrobe (maybe he was already possessed... by the spirit of a gay interior decorator!). Even the dead family from the opening scene gets in on the killing, until it comes down to John (the leader) vs. one TERRIBLE life-sized muppet and several smaller, cyclopean puppets! John then reveals his true form, that of the Intercessor: a rock 'n' rolling, pro-wrestler wanna-be, named Triton, who wears a spiked leather jock-strap... and nothing else. Turns out the muppet is supposed to be Satan, and the band members were just shadows created by Triton to draw the good ol' Lord of the Flies out into the open... Does that mean the family was a bunch of shadows too?! Triton (oily pecs and all) gets physical with the dark lord of the muppets, slapping him around a little and fighting off his sticky octopus henchlings, before the badly animated lord of foam rubber Hell goes up in a blaze... actually, a road flare doesn't really count as a "blaze". See what happens when you worship Satan? You're actually worshipping a big muppet who can't even beat a Rock 'N' Wrestler! Shame on you. A real 7th level Lord of Sesame Street Purgatory, such as the eternal darkness of Grover or the terror wrought by the nightmarish Cookie Monster, would've taken Triton's ass out as easy as learning "NEAR and FAR"!! This "film", and I use the term loosely, is, as I stated earlier, THE WORST FILM EVER MADE! Congratulations to the lucky creators of the film, as they enjoy their prize: 6 Days and 7 Nights... what? I figured making them watch that piece of Harrison Ford excrement for an eternity was bad enough... Okay, okay, I'll have swarms of cockroaches pick away at their still functioning entrails too. Happy? Well, now I'll never be, thanx to ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE! ARGGH! Then again, what do you expect from Canada...

Also Known As: EDGE OF HELL

Sequels: I refuse to allow this to happen, in this or ANY eon!

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: Finding any of those other terrible Heavy Metal horror flicks from the 80's... and... doing... something... uh... painful... sorry, this movie has got me off my game at the moment...