Ever wonder what it'd be like if George Lucas took over Beverly Hills 90210? Yeah, well me neither, but here it is. Based upon a book by Robert Heinlein, STARSHIP TROOPERS is another example of "too many special FX, not enough story". Anyway. not unlike an Oracle (place where psychics and future-tellers gathered before the Psychic Friends Network), this movie shows us that years from now giant alien bugs from another star system will chuck meteors at our planet (that would be Earth, Einstein!). So we will obviously seek vengeance on their segmented asses and BLOW 'EM UP REAL GOOD! Um, I guess we then rewind to a year earlier... that's not how movies work! Anyway, we go to a Starship Troopers training school where we are introduced to Johnny, his Kathy Ireland clone of a girlfriend, his psychic friend, Doogie Howser (I don't know the character's name, but he's played by Neil Patrick Harris, so I'm calling him Doogie damn it!). While still a couple of wet nosed punks, Johnny and friends are sent on a counter strike mission against the bugs because they fried Buenos Aires (not too Bueno now is it!), they go to Klandathu (uhm, ok) and get their rookie asses stomped into a fine paste (mmm, paste). But, after blowing a big fire breathing bug's ass off with some thermite grenade thingy (that goes *boom* REAL good!), Johnny's High School teacher-turned Lieutenant promotes John-boy to Corporal. Also, that night Johnny fucks his would-be girlfriend (wow, stick a bomb in a bug's ass and look at what it gets you!... time to find me some giant bugs!). Elsewhere, it looks like the bugs are capturing our troops, sucking their brains, and learning our military secrets (throw wave after wave of gun toting morons to their deaths... then videotape their gory deaths and make it into FACES OF DEATH 2038!). Sure enough, the next day, Johnny's new fuck hole Dez gets ripped up. Oh well, there's always Rosey Palm and her Five Sisters. Finally, John-boy and friends are sent in ONE more time to take out the leader bug and meanwhile his old girlfriend and the rest of the starship armada orbiting the planet are turned to scrap metal by bug ASS-teroids. In the end, Johnny and the pseudo-Kathy Ireland meet up again, fall back in love, and capture the big fugly bug (which is just a big mound of fat with a pussy for a mouth). And now, it's over. The graphic violence was fun to watch and the little mock-commercials were also worth a giggle (honestly, I don't giggle... I may chortle at times, but I do not giggle... Gods do not giggle). One other cool thing about this flick: Gary Busey's son (I think his name's Sean, or John, or Garrette, or something) plays the asshole bully turned amigo to John. As if one set of Busey teeth wasn't enough for the world to endure...

Sequels: Nope

If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: ALIENS or INDEPENDENCE DAY