A 13 minute short film about 30 year old women playing with an Ouija board... yeah, it doesn't exactly sound anymore appealing than a Joe Don Baker flick, but at least Joe Don Baker can provide hours of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" gags and larfs and other whimsical words. As for STAR 69... well... let's just say that for once, I WISH Joe Don Baker was around... I feel so dirty.

Our flick centers around a little birthday celebration where Jennifer, the birthday broad, and a trio of her amigas partake in some alcoholic bonding and watch Jenn open presents. One such gift is a Ouija board, and if you've ever seen drunk women together, you know that some kind of board game is all it takes for bubble headed women to amuse themselves. Yes, I hate to disappoint you boys, but it takes a little more than booze and Twister to get women to partake in an orgy together... that's where Marijuana and ecstasy comes in. Anyway, via their new $14.95 portal to Hell (brought to them courtesy of the cadre of demon summoning druids who run Parker Brothers with the souls of sacrificed virgins and gallons of goats' blood), the ladies contact the spirit of a dead little girl who was apparently murdered by her father. The girl happens to be named Jenny, and wants to talk to her bastard father, so she relays the guy's phone number to the women, which also happens to be in their area code. Like stupid little school girls prank calling the guy they have a crush on, one of the ladies calls the number, hanging up when the guy at the other end answers... see, drunk women tend to revert to their junior high days when they're nice and soused, as it helps them forget the horrors that they've let their lives become. Problem is, this guy obviously has a keen understanding of the world of telephone operation, as he utilizes the handy *69 (hence the title) function and dials them back. When one of the ladies picks up, the guy asks for "Jenny" and they sit there in a panic, trying to figure out what to do before just hanging up on the guy.

The whole question here is, is he looking for his dead daughter Jenny, or is he looking for Jennifer? Sure, he could have caller ID and know it was Jennifer who called him... if they were at Jennifer's house of course, and not Michelle's... not that knowing who Michelle is really matters, nor will exploring her character give us a better understanding and appreciation of the flick, I just thought I'd use her name. So, a little overly freaked out by the incident, the girls decide to pack up their little get together and hit a bar for some social boozing, and maybe to pick up a few 20 year old guys desperate for some pussy. As soon as they leave, the phone rings and a little girl's voice leaves a message on the machine asking for someone to play with. Okay, this would've ALMOST made a semi-decent opening for a FULL LENGTH horror movie, maybe a nice mix of ghost story and slasher flick (like THE FOREST, only entertaining), but as far as a short film, it's a pretty bad use of 13 minutes, especially when 3-to-4 of those minutes are used up on the opening and closing credits... ego driven motherfuckers. So, by only giving us part of the story and denying us any kind of payoff or resolution, it just leaves me angry and empty, like BLACK CHRISTMAS. What the fuck was up with that movie anyway? I mean, the whole time the real killer's calling the house, screaming and spazzing on and on about some baby and a crazy mother and other story elements that were never covered, only to leave us in the dark at the end... bah, bah I say! And I'm not a damn sheep!... hence why I don't wear the searing brand of Hilfigger on any part of my person... okay, I'll stop now. Oh, and thanks to Pepto-Bismol... and if you want to see this crap for yourself, click the link below and view it on CinemaNow.com, brining you crap for nearly 3 years!

Sequels: Nope

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