| patient to try and find the source of the depression. One without the other does not work as well as a partnership. So now that you know this, you can see what a big thing it is for me to want anti-depressants for a while. I am nursing, so it is not an option. That's ok, I will just keep wearing bracelets, and keeping myself at an even keel, and calling on my support system until this is over. I most certainly do not recommend going to court for a sexual offense, without first ensuring that you have a really good support system in place, and without first learning how to recognize your body's warning signals. To be quite honest, I am fascinated by my body's reactions to all this. The other thing that is kinda cool, but I wouldn't want to live with forever, is the fact that ever since my appointment with the Crown, I have been living with a heightenned sense of awareness. I am threatenned, and am ready to fight, and my body has responded in kind. My nerves have been buzzing ever since. It feels like I'm on drugs. I have been hyper and silly ever since, and have been stuck in action mode. In a way this is cool, as I have gotten much accomplished since the fourth, but the downside is that I am having difficulty resting. I get up in the middle of the night to go pee, and I have to seriously struggle to make myself go back to bed. I am still tired, but I have an overwhelming desire to do stuff while I'm up. If I wasn't so fearful of being so tired that I can't think in court, I don't think I'd make it back to bed. Also, with my nerves buzzing the way they are, not only am I annoying to my husband, who has to put up with me tossing and juggling the baby's toys and then hitting him with them, (I'm a really bad juggler,) but I have recently discovered that we have a mouse in the house. Now I have experienced living in close quarters with mice before, and do not fear them. As a matter of fact, I used to save them from my cat when I was young. But now I am jumping out of my skin!!! I squeal, and do the dance and everything!!! It's laughable, but it is also annoying. *Sigh* Oh well, it will all be over soon, and when it is, I will give myself the luxury of collapsing in a heap on the floor, laughing hysterically and crying all at once. :0) In the meantime, I have two theme songs: Tub Thumping by Chumbawamba, ("I get knocked down, but I get up again. Ain't you ever gonna keep me down."), and I Will Survive, (no explanation necessary.) The Victim Witness worker said I'll be puking the night before I testify. I don't believe it will come to that. I had prepared myself so well for my wedding, that I felt no emotion at all that day! If I could take it all back, I'd allow myself to be a big emotional wreck that day. I feel I missed out on so much by being so calm, cool and collected. But I digress. The point is, if I could do that, I am sure I can do something similar for court. My only hope is that I can strike the right balance. I want to distance myself enough to get the job done, but not so far that I no longer experience my emotions. I want them to know that I did suffer a lot of emotional damage at his hands. Think I can do it? At this point, I can only trust that I can. I will be updating again soon to let you know how it all went. Sweet dreams. :0) |
