More Humor...

Some One-Liners

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. -Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
>From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"

English Is A Crazy Language

Let's face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

PHILOSOPHIES

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.

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