Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is eternity.
~Henry Van Dyke~

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
-- Woody Allen (Crimes and Misdemeanors, 1989)

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.
-- Redd Foxx (from Comedy Album - Huffin and Puffin)

Don't you know alcohol kills brain cells...any damn brain cell that
can't live through a good drunk deserves to die. You're doing yourself a
favor, getting rid of all them nonhacking, underachieving ones. I'm working
on improving your efficiency.
--James Webb (A Country Such As This

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
---by Jack Handy

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin