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Wednesday, August 28 2002 For
some reason I am extremely tired. I don’t think anything has changed in my
schedule but I am beat ! What’s up with that ? August
has turned out to be one of the crummiest months, if not the crummiest, of
the year. Why ? Well, for starts, the heat is unbearable, it makes you want
to just pass out in the middle of an air conditioned room and not leave until
the wee hours of the morning. Then we’ve got the “going back to school”
thing, in my line of business this time of year really puts us in a bad
economical spot because most parents are broke because of sending their kids
back to school and don’t have extra cash to spend on video games (that’s how
things work over here). Everything should get better by next month but we’ve
been sweating it this month. Then I’ve heard of 3 separate people that have
died, only one of them was a close family friend, the other two were people I
had met a few times and none of them were more than 52. That kind of makes
you wonder. So, for the next 4 days I’m going to try to be as quiet as a
mouse and see if August can just move on without making any more havoc in my
life and hope that September comes charged with a positive force that is
highly needed by me:) Have a great day !
Monday, August 26 2002 Oh
! I’m sooo happy ! This past weekend my husband and I got to talking about
our health and diet. Even though my husband is not really heavy he is overweight
and has a very poor condition, does a lot of sitting around eating crappy
food and has just not been interested in changing his ways, that is until
now. He said he really wanted to lose some weight, start eating healthy and
just improve his overall health. I almost fainted when he said these things
because that is so unlike him. I said fine, I’ll help you but you have to
give it your best. It’s happened before you see, we start with our exercise
routine and after about a week he gets home one day and says he’s too tired
to workout so let’s leave it until tomorrow and from then on it’s slack city
! Last
night was the first night of our new project, poor soul, he was cashed but
kept pedaling away the bike, he did 15 mins. which was excellent considering
it’s his first time in a loooong time. Afterwards we did abdominals (The
Firm-5 day abs) which are killers and he did them all, I was amazed. AT the
very end of our session we did some yoga and stretching and then some
meditation (which my husband confessed was his very favorite part). As was
expected today he woke up and was feeling like a cow chewed him up, he was in
pain. As I was eating breakfast I casually asked him if he was still
interested in following the program, I truly expected a “maybe tomorrow, I’m
too soar today” answer but to my total shock he said YES. He’s told me on many occasions how
inspired he was by watching me and seeing the effort I put into my everyday
and that’s what moved him to finally make his own change. I’m happy he’s
decided to improve his health, it can only benefit us both.
Friday, August 23 2002 I’m
on a roll ! I haven’t missed one single exercise day this week and with only
2 more exercise days to go I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a perfect week !
I have been a bit tired and at night I’m sleeping great. That in itself is
more than enough, I was starting to have some problems sleeping either I
would lay in bed without being able to sleep for hours or have a very
restless sleep. Have
I told you lately how much I love to meditate ? :) I just NEED to do it everyday now, it transports me to a
special place where I can find peace and joy. Im actually starting to
download songs for a 2nd New Age cd, you can’t believe how
relaxing listening to this music is, you can put it on while you read, clean,
surf the net, or whatever and it really is fantastic. I’m
starting to get excited thinking about buying our new home, my husband and I
sit and talk about it and it just seems like a dream come true. I
don’t have a lot to say today so I’ll talk to you all tomorrow. Have a great
weekend.
Tuesday, August 20 2002 I
measured and weighed myself yesterday and the results can be seen on my
exercise page. For those of you that don’t want to go there I’ll tell you
that it wasn’t pretty. I gained 3 lbs !!!! and 1 cm on my chest and stomach.
Everything else maintained. After cursing my scale to death I stared at my
image in front of the mirror and asked WHY ????? Why is it so damn hard to
lose weight. The next possible thing I could do is sew my mouth, I bet that
would bring on some weight loss. Just as I was going on and on about poor me,
being a victim of circumstances, etc... a little voice inside my head said
“who are you kidding?”, this caught my attention and I said “what?” and that
little voice said “yup, deal with it. You brought this on yourself, not
exercising, being too “free” with your food. Don’t cry now, you knew this was
coming”. All I wanted to do was scream SHUT UP !!!! You don’t know anything,
you’re not me, you can’t know how hard it is to eat right, exercise and be
good ALL the time, and you know what the stupid voice in my head said “you
don’t either”. Argg!! The nerve. After that I just sat on the edge of my bed
feeling like I had just been hit by a truck. What had just happened ? Now it
turns out I’m sleeping with the enemy, I am the enemy, then it clicked. I
will always be the enemy as long as I keep sabotaging my progress with lame
excuses, with lack of enthusiasm, with overeating, with lack of willpower,
with conforming. I am the enemy of me. Why do I do this? will be the question
for all ages, why do we smoke ? drink ? mistreat our bodies and minds ? The simplest answer is “because I enjoy
it” or do we really. I guess there’s always that morbid fascination with how
much we can handle before we break. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for pushing
ourselves to achieve greater and bigger things, but when we’re pushing
towards the wrong end that’s where I see a problem. Ok,
I went a little deep today but what I can say is that always happens when
that stupid voice in my head makes itself heard.
Monday, August 19 2002 In
spite of all of my good intentions yesterday I didn’t exercise. My lower body
was just too much in pain to be able to do any kind of exercise, let alone bike,
today I will do it, no doubt about it. So,
for the past 3 or 4 days I’ve been in the crapiest mood you can imagine,
don’t know why, I just am. It’s like I will chew anyone’s head off at the
drop of a hat. I think it’s got something to do with August, this month is
always a weird month for me, full of stress, problems, emotions, etc... I’m
trying to cope as well as I can but sometimes, ugg! it’s just too much. Could
also have something to do with the fact that I quit smoking again and even
though I wasn’t smoking a lot it’s still nicotine withdrawal and that always
sucks. I
hope your week is starting off a lot better than mine :)
Sunday, August 18 2002 Yesterday
I had to use all of my willpower to exercise. I don’t know what it is about
Saturday’s that your mind automatically thinks you’re on a “break” or mini
vacation but I got myself moving, “The Firm-Standing Legs” was the weapon of
choice and I was pumping away feeling almost invincible because it seemed too
easy at the time. This morning when it was time to get up I felt a little bit
too tired, so I just laid there for a few mins staring at the ceiling and
thinking about the day ahead of me, finally I got up to take a shower and OH
MY GOD !!!!!!!!! My butt is VERY soar, I’m walking around like an old woman
because I am in pain, a lot of it Since
I took my day off on Friday (exercise) I’m going to probably make up for it
today, it’s bike day and the way my butt feels I’m not really looking forward
to it. I will do it though because I am truly seeing progress here people, my
body today as opposed to 2 weeks ago looks and feels 100% better. I’ve also
started taking my fiber supplement, I had stopped for no good reason, I don’t
dislike the stuff, it doesn’t taste horrible, it doesn’t make me feel bad,
but I just stopped. For the past 3 days I’ve been taking it again and the
results are almost miraculous, my tummy is getting flatter. Yesterday
I also spent a good chunk of my day
downloading New Age mp3’s and burning them on cd’s for meditation and
relaxation. I’ve been doing that for a while now, taking some time out of
everyday to just be alone with myself and my thoughts and I find it’s helped
me to cope with all of today’s madness, out of each corner of the planet
there’s some kind of evil, pain or despair coming and sometimes it just seems
unbearable and hopeless, that is when you’re tied up in your own stress demon
but believe me, when you take one step back and just think and breathe you
become a much more productive individual. Anyway,
if you can, I suggest you get some New Age music, pick a nice quiet corner in
your house, light a few aromatic candles, dim the lights, lay on your back,
close your eyes and let your senses be invaded by the sounds and the smells,
breathing deeply. Your mind starts thinking of a million things, just let
them flow out, the experience is so incredible that when you’re done you feel
as if you were charged with energy. Ok,
I’m rambling, have a fantastic weekend everyone !
Thursday, August 15 2002 Yahooie!!!
Last night I did aerobics with country music and yeah ! it kicked my ass ! I
got so hyped up that I had a very difficult time trying to relax afterwards.
I didn’t get a chance to measure and weigh myself last night but I promise I
will do that today and I’ll get some film for my camera and try to update my
pictures, I’m sure there’s progress ! I
seem to have a happiness attack today, I’m just all smiley and relaxed,
almost as if nothing could go wrong, let’s hope things stay that way. I’ve
been doing great, no smoking, exercising, drinking plenty of water and I’m
looking and feeling the part, it’s as if I had all the energy in the world.
Ok, I’m rambling because I really don’t have a lot to say, talk to you
tomorrow !
Wednesday, August 14 2002 These
past days have been dramatic, to say the least. I’ve decided to “cleanse”
myself physically and spiritually and since I’ve stopped smoking again I thought it would be a great
incentive to stay smoke free once and for all. What does “cleanse” mean you
might wonder, well, basically I’m going to try to keep away from anything
that is not good for me, for example, smoking, drinking, eating junk food,
greasy food and try to focus on drinking more water, fruit, veggies, etc...
and the spiritual side is not really about religion it’s more about energy
and meditation, you know, find a place in your head where you can find a
little break from the everyday rat race. And, of course, keep exercising
alongside. It’s been 2 days since I started with this new program and I feel
FANTASTIC ! As a matter of fact I picked out this really great spot in my
house, right by a window, where I do my meditation, I put some New Age music
on (I’ve downloaded a bunch of songs from the internet) and light some
candles. WOW ! I lay there anywhere from 20 to 40 mins (depending on how much
time I have) and it’s just so invigorating. There’s this site I’ve been going
to http://www.journey-to-self.com/
and it’s got various suggestions and yoga exercises, I highly recommend it.
Now a days we have time for everything and everyone except for ourselves, I
see this as a little gift I give myself everyday because I deserve it. I
guarantee a daily smile :)
Monday, August 12 2002 I’m
officially beat. I had a very hectic weekend that left a lot of room for
growth. These past 3 or 4 days have taught me more than the past 5 years so
to speak. I know for sure that all that can come from this is positive. It’s
almost as if life wanted to help me with all my change. Tomorrow
I’m going to weigh and measure myself and I’ll probably post the result on
Wednesday, I’m not sure of what I will find, I mean, I don’t think I’ve
gained and I’m hoping there’s no gain but there’s no telling what the scale
might spit out so we’ll just have to see. I’m
physically tired because believe me, it was a draining weekend, I get tired
just thinking about it. I’d like to go into more detail but I don’t have the
energy to do it, maybe tomorrow. Hope
everyone has a fantastic week.
Thursday, August 8 2002 I’ve
been so good with my exercise, eating and water that it almost seems like I’m
another person :) Now that I’ve been exercising everyday I remember why I
love to do it, I love the endorphin rush I get out of my workouts, it is the
ultimate feeling, I don’t think anything tops it. It’s
almost as if all the gloom and despair I had been feeling had just been blown
away and now I have this positive feeling about myself and pretty much
everything around me. I’ve made it a habit to do all of my workouts in front
of a mirror, this might seem a little egocentric but somebody once told me
that seeing yourself exercise is a very motivating thing. At first I was
ashamed to look at my image, I mean, I looked absolutely ridiculous trying to
do push-ups, red faced and exhausted. As I evolved through my exercise and
got into better shape and condition I could distinctly see which muscle I was
exercising and the thing that excited me most was how toned and defined my
muscles were starting to look. After I slacked off on my exercise one of the
things that I automatically stopped was that, exercising in front of the
mirror. It was as though I couldn’t face myself because I can’t fool myself,
I was starting to go back to my old ways. Today I finally built up the
courage to workout in front of the mirror and I have to admit, I was freaked
out because I thought that all the progress I had accomplished had magically
vanished because I had been acting so poorly with my regimen. I was surprised,
I looked at my reflection and noticed that I could still see tone in my
muscles and my body still keeps the results it achieved over the past year
and a half. I was happy and motivated and decided to forgive myself for my
past mistakes and just keep loving myself a little bit more.
Wednesday, August 7 2002 I
honestly thought I would be in a world of pain today, I did my full hour of biking and my legs
and butt started to feel numb about halfway through and even though every
cell in my body was screaming to stop and get off the bike I stayed on and
pulled through. I can’t even begin to explain how wonderful it feels to push
yourself, when you prove to yourself that you have what it takes to do what
you need to do, whatever that may be.. I’ve started drinking a lot of water
again (I had also slacked off on that area) and it’s amazing but the more I
drink the thirstier I am, I must have been very dehydrated. I haven’t smoked either, last night was a
close call, I was at home and suddenly got the irresistible urge to smoke, I
started reasoning with myself trying to get my brain to take control of my
urge but my vice was not going to have none of that, it wanted a smoke ! So I
wearily grabbed some money and headed to the store to buy some cigs (I had thrown
the ones I had out 2 days ago) all the way bitching at myself for being such
a wimp and giving in without a fight to such a horribly disgusting habit.
About halfway to the store I took a seat on a park bench and thought about
what I was doing. I suddenly realized that the urge was gone, I didn’t HAVE
to have a cigarette anymore. Hmmm.....so the next time the urge comes back
I’m going out for a walk and scare it off. I’m proud to say I didn’t give in
and I’m feeling great !
Tuesday, August 6 2002 Well,
I finally got my thing together and refocused on myself and my plan since
yesterday. First things first I quit smoking again and it really hasn’t been
as bad as I thought it would be. Well, I really wasn’t smoking a lot, about 3
cigs a day but that’s how it starts, and then I went ahead and exercised and
I felt really good afterward. I figured that there was no sense in feeling
all gloomy and blue over the bad choices I had been making and the best thing
to do was just start doing something about it. Today
I woke up mildly soar (specially my arms) but feeling full of energy. It’s
been very hot over here and I think that might have had something to do with
my less than enthusiastic approach on exercise, it really sucks when your
legs start to wobble from heat exhaustion and you have to sit down every five
mins. just to cool off and drink a million gallons of water just to level
out. You might be thinking “why doesn’t she just join a gym that has ac”
well, that’s fairly simple, because there’s not a single gym over here that
has anything more than fans (turned on low). This has a reason, it’s soooo
hot and then you’re exercising and sweating and your temperature goes up to
1000° so just imagine if you had cold air blasting on your back. You would
either get pneumonia or would have pulled muscles all the time. I mean, I do
have a huge window which I open to circulate fresh cool air and I do wait
until 7:30 pm to exercise (when the sun is going down and it starts cooling
off) but still, it gets pretty hot. Anyway,
the point is I’m back in control and this time I’m not letting go !
Sunday, August 4 2002 So
what have I been up to ? Nothing good at all. Just as I was feeling better from
my tummy I got my period, I hadn’t had such severe PMS in a long time so I
wanted nothing to do with anything. I feel so bad about not exercising and to
make things worst I’ve even been smoking ! Those of you that have known me
for a while through my diary know that I quit smoking a little over a year
ago and I was doing great but I tell you, there’s a point where you feel
confident and you let your guard down and all hell breaks lose and suddenly
you find yourself in a position that you did not want to be in and one that
you have been fighting against. I need to do some soul searching and figure
out what’s up with me. What is lacking in my life because I’m just going all
berserk here. I need to really figure out what I want and pursue it. I’m
pretty sure that my problem all started with getting over confident, thinking
I could just do anything because I was already in control and the truth is
(as hard as it is to admit) that the rebellious side of me was just waiting
for a chance to undo everything the organized side of me had accomplished.
It’s not only organization and willpower, there’s another word that’s
involved with the whole process, discipline. You can have the best intentions
in the world but if you lack the discipline to do them you will never do
anything. That’s were I goofed up, I thought I didn’t need discipline anymore
and I stopped supervising myself. There’s
no point in crying now, the only thing that can be done is to start all over
again, yup, quit smoking, start exercising and continue my plan. I dread the
whole ordeal because it’s very hard but not impossible. So
here I go again, wish me luck !
Friday, August 2 2002 Yup,
just as I thought, I wasn’t able to workout yesterday but I definitely won’t
miss out on my exercise today. I need to get my butt into gear, I’ve become
to lenient with myself and I stopped pushing. I haven’t been drinking nearly
enough water. I need some to stay focused and not be conformist thinking
“well, I’ve lost a lot of weight already and I’m in a good size, I look ok”
NO, I have to stay focused and think of my goal weight, I still have 20 lbs.
to lose, that’s the truth. I’ve been maintaining which is a triumph all in
itself because that means that I’m not going over the edge in the eating
department and because I’ve stayed active enough to equal out calories
consumed vs. calories burnt. I understand this is a lifelong commitment and
that means changing your whole outlook on food, exercise and attitude but
sometimes it just gets weird, really. Well, I’m just going around in circles
so I better shut up :) Have
a great weekend, go out and walk, take some sun in, play in the sun !
Thursday, August 1 2002 August
is here, time has gone by so fast. I’ve been slacking this year for some
reason, I was definitely more motivated last year as compared to this one. I
know I should just be happy that I’ve managed to not get bored and just drop
everything but I seriously think I should try harder. Anyway, last night I
was hyped and ready to get off my butt after being sick for a while so I did
“The Firm”-Tough tape 2 (you know I love me some firm) and was instantly
motivated again. I was a little shocked when I realized a was out of shape,
breathing hard, sweating a lot and with very wobbly legs but somehow I
managed to pull through. Today
is bike day and I’m looking forward to it, not sure I’ll be able to do it
though, I have a million and one things to do today in the afternoon and I
was too lazy to get my butt out of bed early to exercise. So
here I go once again, another month, another battle, vowing to do my absolute
best and trying as hard as I can to make this the month that’ll “make the
difference”. I’m so happy I’ve got you all to travel this road with me :)
Have a great day.
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GRAPHICS
BY: GRAPHIC GARDEN