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Friday, November 30 2001 Ok,
everybody, you shall repeat after me, this night will go down in history, at
least in my life. This is where it stops. NO MORE. I’ve
made up my mind, this is happening, I’m leaving my husband. You
know, plenty of times I’ve felt sorry for the bastard, thinking, “oh, the
poor soul, he’s put up with so much, me being fat and all but NO MORE. He has
lied. Trust is dead. I don’t know him anymore. I don’t want to know him
anymore. He’s such a fucking pussy. He doesn’t leave because he knows he
can’t do shit with his life (CAN YOU SAY LOSER ?). Ok,
shit, I’m 33, I’m female, I’m scared shitless, but I do know one thing, this
is THE ONLY LIFE I HAVE, no second chances, this is IT. Either you do it or
you don’t. I
could sit here, in my sorry ass little world and watch life pass me by, that
would be the easiest thing to do, sure, “ya’ wanna lie to me ?” go ahead you
bastard, I’m an ameba, I’m hiding away, just in case life is looking for me,
I’m dead at 33. But
I’m not going to take that road, even though I’m afraid I prefer to take life
head on, even if it kills me, at least I tried. These are my fears: -Will I be able to survive, starting at 33, no job, no money,
without becoming a burden to somebody ? -Will I go into an eating frenzy that’ll take me up to 400 lbs.
? -Will anybody ever really love me, be true, want to be my friend
forever ? -Will I ever have kids ? -Will I die alone ? -Will this hurt forever ? -Do I have enough self-esteem to help me do what I know I have
to do ? -Did I fail ? -Will I still love me tomorrow ? Life
is scary. I’m sitting here, in front of my computer, talking to the world and
feeling completely alone, I’m very tired, not physically. But
guess what people, I refuse to melt away, that’s not me. My parents did an
excellent job, they prepared me for life, not for death. So,
from this day on, this is how it’s going to be, if you want to be with me.
Thursday, November 29 2001 I’ve
been feeling so good and positive that it’s amazing, I’m on a roll. I’m just
happy all over. This has brought me to a conclusion and that is “gaining
control of yourself will eventually bring you happines.” When I
lost control of my eating my life was horrible, really. Looking back now I
don’t know if I started eating because of the mess in my life or not but I
can tell you that it wasn’t a happy time. Not only did I have to deal with
the “regular” problems but also with the feelings of insecurity, dispair,
guilt, ugliness that were provoked by my overeating. Contrary to what it may
seem adding these emotions to your already tormented life is everything but
good. Now that I’m slowly but surely taking my life back I can see this but
when I was inside the turnmoil there was no hope in sight for me, or so it
seemed. Today
I feel happy. Not because I’m losing weight or exercising or eating right,
no, that’s part of it but it’s also so much more. It’s about my new attitude,
about loving and respecting myself, about the new perception I have of me,
the sense of accomplishment I get with every little step I take, about
knowing I’m not a loser, I have the power in me to change. My
past may not have been everything I’d hope for but it’s helped me become who
I am now. Today at 33 I feel more alive than ever, I can sincereley say that
for the first time in my life I am taking responsibilty for me and
appreciating the true meaning of being alive. There
will ALWAYS be problems, believe me, the difference is the way you approach
them.
Wednesday, November 28 2001 Last
night as we were walking home (we live very close to where our shop is
located) I walked under a tree and suddenly felt a sharp pain on my left
shoulder, OUCH ! I then proceeded to beat my husband silly (well not really)
but I did say “hey, what did you do ?” a puzzled look came over his face and he answered “what ?” . Being the super
smart person that I am I immediately realized he had NO IDEA that something
had fallen on me so I went back towards the tree and looked on the ground, we
found NOTHING, bwahaaaaaa ! Spooky, huh? Actually I have no freakin’ idea of
what fell on me, I know something did because this morning I woke up with
pain, a lot of it and a bruise. This
must mean something because I’ve had luck lately not really good luck like
winning the lottery or something but your average ordinary luck, for example,
I won 70 bucks on the intrenet for being picked to answer some questions. My
husband says that until I get the check in the mail I shouldn’t even pay
attention to it but what does he know ? hehehehe :) Tonight
I’m doing my workout (it’s been good since I rearranged my schedule) and next
friday I’m going shopping again, yei me ! I have to, I haven’t bought clothes
for about a year now, in part because I am losing weight and in part because
I was “punishing” myself until I got into a decent size. Either way it’s
wrong because now I have NOTHING to wear, everything is either big or totally
sucks. I don’t have the money to just replace my whole wardrobe so I’m going
out shopping every 2 weeks. Each time I’ll buy some tops, bottoms and undies.
This I think will work out great because that way if I keep losing more
weight I won’t have spent all my money on one size. My clothes won’t be
really outdated and I’ll always be shopping, oh the thrill of it. And if
I buy let’s say, 2 tops, as soon as I get home I put 2 old tops in a box and
as soon as that gets filled up it’s going to charity. Well,
gotta go get ready for my workout.
Tuesday, November 27 2001 Last
night I felt it creep up on me, I was just there, watching tv and getting ready
for my shower, I started to feel uncomfortable, my husband spoke and I felt a
streak of irritation going down my spine, something about the sound of his
voice (keep in mind this is the voice I’ve heard for the past 12 years) it
pissed me off, what’s he saying ? What I want to eat ? Dammit, he’s always
pushing the food on me, you unconsiderate bastard ! So I yell to him “I don’t
want any food !” He comes to the living room and says “how about something to
drink ?” that was it! I had it, so I screamed “stop forcing me to eat, you’re
always doing this to me, why can’t you ever support me ?”, yup, he knew, I
knew, ladies and gentleman let’s here it for PMS !!!!!!! He
slowly walked out of the room and went about his business avoiding me at all
costs. I went
to the shower feeling evil and enjoying it. I started laughing like a mad
person thinking about how stupid us women get with PMS (I can just imagine
the face of my poor husband wondering what the fuck I’m laughing about in the
shower), anyway, by the time I was through I decided that come what may I was
NOT going to let the evil PMS mini me control me. I sat on the bed and told
my baby that the mother of all the hormonal battles was taking place inside
me and that it would be best if he didn’t call attention to himself. How he
stands me I don’t know but he was extremely good and only spoke when spoken
to. What a
bitch I am but I KNOW you ladies out there know what I’m talking about. I
don’t even want to think about the miserable little pound I lost yesterday *
sigh *
Monday, November 26 2001 A loss
is a loss, and 1 lb. or ½ a kilo is a big loss for me. You can see here. It’s
actually very cool because I hadn’t lost anything for a few months, oh, and
another great thing is that my stomach lost 2 whole cms. or 1 inch wohooooo
:) I’m
trying to think what made me start losing again and it doesn’t take that much
to know what it is, keeping track of the food I eat. I’ve been doing it since
las tuesday, a week and a 1 lb. loss just by paying attention to how much
food I eat. I
finally rearranged my workout so that I can do my biking, weight lifting and
yoga and not feel like I’m spending all my time off exercising. As much as I
like working out it still drags to not have time to do anything else because
either you have to work or you have to workout and that’s how my life had
gotten there for a while. Today I did 25 mins. on my bike in the hard cycle
then I did 5 weight lifting exercises but I took an hour doing them because I
do 5 sets of 20 repetitions for each exercise and I take my time resting
between each set. To top it all off I did yoga for 40 mins. That might seem
like a lot but it was only 2 hrs. and I got an EXCELLENT workout. Before I
was doing almost 4 hrs. of exercise everyday, no wonder I was so tired and
getting frustrated with my workout. There
was a moment there when I started slacking off, I would do my biking but no
weights or sometimes I would be so tired that I would do nothing at all. I can
almost see the faces of people reading this diary who are just starting their
own weight loss programs and incorporating exercise into their routines “did
she say 2 hrs. ?, Holy shit, I was thinking of maybe taking a 15 min. walk around
the block in the morning and maybe another one in the evening”. That’s
excellent, as long as you move. I started doing 20 mins. on my bike every
other day and I felt like my butt and legs were going to fall off. I’ve been
exercising for almost 1 year and without really noticing I started scaling up
the amount of things I did along with the amount of time I spent doing them. Your
body is a fine piece of machinery and the more conditioned it gets the more
activity it wants, there will come a moment where you’ll WANT to exercise in
the same way that you might want a piece of cake now. This has a reason and
it’s called endorphines, these hormones have the ability to make you feel
great and the more you exercise the more endorphines you liberate so it’s addicting
in a way. The
point is MOVE anyway you want, walk, dance, run, jump, swim, etc.... whatever
it is you like and slowly but surely your body will make this new activity a
fun habit and you’ll be hooked for life.
Sunday, November 25 2001 This
morning I awoke feeling absolutely tired, I felt the need to “sleep in” and I
did although I’ve been tormented all day thinking about missing my workout.
Phsyco ! I feel guilty because I went over my caloric limit yesterday, I had
ice cream, I was induced into believing that “I deserved it” because I hadn’t
stuffed my face with cakes at the recital and tonight we’re having ourselves
some beer (watching the football game).
This is
an issue for me, beer, I’m not one of those beer drinkers that comes home
everyday and pops open a can and then proceeds to sit in front of the TV for
the rest of the day. Once a week my husband and I have a “night out”,
sometimes we will go out somewhere or we’ll stay home and watch a game,
movie, play something, listen to music and talk or whatever. We buy 2 six
packs and just go home and relax. This is something we enjoy very much but
it’s an additional 880 calories for my day. I know I can totally make up for
it next week but I feel like a traitor because most of the weight loss
journals say that alcohol is out of the question when it comes to weight
loss. We’ve
tried coffee instead, pop even but it’s just not as fun. Oh, geez, look at my
pathetic problems. I’m
just going to enjoy myself, this is quality time for us, this is what we do,
every other day of the week I bust my butt to exercise and eat right, always
paying attention to not eat this or that so I hardly think that this will
harm me in the long run. Tomorrow
I’m going to increase my biking from 20 to 25 mins. I was doing 45 mins
everyday in low intensity and have scaled up to hard intensity except I could
only do it for 20 mins. without passing out so tomorrow I’m “pushing” myself
and aiming for that additional 5 mins. I’m
really looking forward to Christmas, my mother-in-law is coming to spend the
holidays with us and my husband is thrilled because we haven’t seen her for a
few years. She’s a sweet person and I’ve gotten very close to her in the past
years so this Christmas will be extra special.
Saturday, November 24 2001 I want
to apoligize for not updating daily (I’m not making it a habit) it’s just
that this week WAS hectic. It seems that I did a gillion things, my shcedule
was thrown off completely, as a matter of fact yesterday I didn’t even get a
chance to do yoga, just the weights and the biking because Ididn’t have
enough time to finish. Yesterday
I went to a guitar recital, beautiful, after the recital they had some snacks
laid out for the people that had attended. I had no idea this was going to
happen so after the concert I walked out and figured it had ended and it was
time to go back home. When I got out to the little lobby I noticed a bunch of
people around a table so as expected I walked to the table and saw they had
all sorts of cakes and cookies and also coke. Mmmmmm....mighty tasty, they
looked delicious just imagine what they would taste like. Before
I let myself be seduced by the cake-devil I decided to think about what I was
going to do so I took a step back and walked over to the ladies room. I
thought, BRAIN: do you REALLY want to gobble down
2000 calories right now ? ME: of course not but one little piece of
cake and a small sip of coke will not hurt me at all BRAIN: are you REALLY going to stop at
one little piece of cake ? ME: well, ok, maybe 2, 3 at most BRAIN: and you THINK that this will not
set off an eating binge that will most definately go on through the weekend ?
ME: but it’s a holiday weekend, I can
allow myself this little sin BRAIN: you know this sin is going to turn
into 30 lbs. and you won’t be able to regain control of yourself until after
january, right ? I just don’t want you lying to yourself anymore ME: I guess I do Oh,
dispair ! When the fuck did my mind get so critical ? Damn, whatever happened
to who cares, I want to do this, forget the consequences. * sigh * I
ended my conversation with myself, left the ladies room and walked right past
“the table” out to the street on to the bus on to my house, and I was glowing
with pride :) Thank
you little stupid voice inside my head :)
Thursday, November 22 2001 What a
difference control makes. Just writing down the amount of food I eat everyday
immediately brought down my caloric intake about 2000 calories a day ! The
best part ? It’s already showing, I kid you not, I was starting to look
bloated like I had some serious water retention problem and 3 days after
controlling the amount of food I was eating the bloating disappeared, oh, the
joy ! I went
shopping yesterday (almost against my will), I have no explanation for this
because shopping is one of my favorite sports, really, but ever since I’ve
been taking care of my weight I just haven’t wanted to deal with sizes. Maybe
I think that if I haven’t lost anything I will just want to say “argg...
forget this, let’s go eat a couple of pizzas” or something along those lines,
you can pretty much say I’ve been afraid (I’m a whimp I tell you). So it
took all my nerve to walk into the shop and as I walked down the isles of
clothes I would just casually look at the different items and think to myself
“dammit, those sizes look like they’re for a Barbie doll” . But I had to get
clothes, the rags I’m wearing are no good anymore, I start looking at the
shorts and a salesperson comes up to me “can I help you ?”, I think “yeah,
you got anything for an elephant ?” but I say “yes, I’m looking for some
shorts in a hmmm... 15”. She hands them over to me and I go to the dressing
room, I try them on and OMG! they are literally HUGE, the won’t even stay on
my waist, so I call the lady “can you get me a 13 ?” She comes back, I put
them on and yei me ! they’re also pretty big but not big enough to go down to
an 11. 11!
Here I come ! I haven’t been that
size in years and I’m thrilled. I got home and as I was working out I
couldn’t help but smile at my sweaty image in the mirror and then told that
stupid little voice inside my head I’m doing it !
Tuesday, November 20 2001 Yesterday
the full force of reality punched me in the face. Here I was thinking to
myself “oh, I’ve been great with my eating, and average with my exercise. I
should be really thin right about now. I can’t understand why my weight
doesn’t budge”. All mysteries were unveiled to me. I used to keep a food
diary (which I highly recommend to you all)
that counted the amount of calories I consumed against the amount I burnt in
a day. It was very easy for me to keep track of my food and average my meals
to a healthy point. For some reason I felt like I was experienced enough so
that I didn’t have to keep a food diary anymore, naha, I’m a big girl, I can
do this all by myself. Sooooooo, when I kept my diary I was averaging 1800 to
2000 calories a day which was perfect considering the amount of exercise I
was doing and this caloric intake allowed me to keep losing weight.
Yesterday, just for fun, I decided to register my food log for the day, OMG!
I stopped when I realized I was way over 4000 calories, and I still had a
couple of things to include. I couldn’t believe it. 4000 freakin’ calories !
The funny thing is that I’m not eating cakes and cookies and stuff like that
it’s just plain old regular food, there is such a thing as too much of the
good stuff. So
guess what I’m doing starting today ? Food Diary ? Yup. It’s a miracle I
haven’t GAINED 300 lbs. with this caloric intake. This also explains my lack
of energy my poor body is on overload. Today I’m not going over 1800 calories,
I’ll level this out and I’m willing to bet you anything that by next month
I’ll have lost at least 4 lbs. So
it’s back to the drawing board for me, adjust my eating, my exercise routine
and my mind. I can’t let myself fall into that confort zone where I feel like
I’ve accomplished a lot so I can cut myself some slack, that’s just what my
evil inner self is wating for, room to take control and turn me into a pile
of fat :) Ok
people, go start your food diaries, you’ll be amazed with the results. Have a
great day.
Sunday. November 18 2001 Hello
earthlings, this is fat chick from outer space calling you. Why ? Well, go see for yourself. Yes, it’s
true, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. I lost size (again) but
somehow managed to keep the kilo or 2 lbs. I gained from last week. The only
reason I have to justify this awesom situation is that I’m an alien and
that’s how things work in our planet, in other words, this is TOTALLY normal
and I’m NOT FREAKED OUT at all. No way. I ain’t worried that I might be
turning into one of those weight lifting chicks that look more manly than
“The Hulk” himself. Nope, hasn’t even crossed my mind :) I have
nothing against women that are body builders, on the contrary, more power to
you all but it’s just not my cup of tea. As it is I already look like a
quarterback now imagine “me” body building, he he, that would be something to
see, although I believe that I could easily beat the crap out of my husband
now if provoked (staring at him out of the corner of my eye). The poor soul,
he’s just sitting there watching the sports channel not even imaginig what’s
going on in my alien head. I can almost see it “You going down bro’ ” smack,
smack “I’m taking you back to planet XYZ as my science experiment” smack,
smack. * SIGH * and I’m not EVEN PMS’ing. I did
my exercise and I think I’m going on the right track, I know months ago some
of you were kind enough to e-mail me and explain that whole “muscle weighs
more than fat” thing and I do have that present, believe me but the last
significant weight loss I had was in May 2001, it seems forever dammit. My
husband was just reading over my shoulder and said “ahhh....(sounding a lot
like Beavis and Butthead) you do have pretty big boobs so that’s a good 10
lbs. right there”, unfortunately for him he didn’t read the paragraph above
so here’s to you honey, SMACK, SMACK. Yeah,
I feel much better now. Well,
enough whining for one day, there’s nothing else to do but keep on going,
there are no options here, this is GOING TO happen.
Saturday, November 17 2001 I
found a way to compromise with my lazy butt and biking, instead of doing 45
mins. in the easiest cycle I would do 20 mins. in the toughest cycle. At first
this sounded like an excellent trade off, hey, I was getting more time for
myself (a whole 25 mins. yippeeee) and really getting my heart rate up and as
a special plus I could spend more time doing my beloved yoga exercises. So
what happened ? I felt like I was about ready to pass out yesterday,
literally. At some point I caught myself thinking “Gee, I’d rather walk for 6
hrs. straight than go through this hell again”. By the time I finished my
butt was numb and my legs were tingling. As I was looking at my red face in
the mirror (ghastly face I might add)
I was freaking out. Before this I felt that I could easily take part in any
sports competiton and have a very good chance of winning but now.....well I
hardly think I’d beat an old person crossing the street. I had
just learned what any athlete meant when they say “I pushed myself to the
limit”. WOW. Talk about an endorphine rush. When I
started feeling my legs again I immediately started working on my yoga and
weight lifting exercises and I was good. I could feel every muscle really
being worked out. I’m going to try to repeat my workout session today because
I’m feeling good and content and I can only assume that my feeling this good
has everything to do with my exercise yesterday. Tonight
is weigh in and measurements so I’ll post the results tomorrow for all the
world to see :) Have a
great weekend.
Friday, November 16 2001 Something
strange happened yesterday. I’ve been having trouble sleeping these past days
so as you can imagine I feel somewhat tired and when I get home in the
afternoon all I want to do is lay down and take a nap. As it turns out I got
home yesterday and just sat on my bed (he,he) and turned the TV on, “just a
few minutes” I thought to myself and voila, 2 seconds later I was laying on
my bed and thinking “I’m not exercising today, no way, I’m too tired”. The
part that I was not looking forward to at all was the biking, so I made
myself believe that it was OK to not exercise. So
there I was, just watching TV with not a care in the world and around 8:30
that little freaking voice in my head had something to say. “You lazy
shithead” it screamed at me, “you’re looking for any excuse to go back and be
that sorry excuse of yourself”. I quivered, I tried to tell the voice to shut
up after all that voice had no idea of how tired I have been. And then it
said “of course you’re going to be tired you moron, physical activity is
exhausting, you would know this if you had been active all your life but
you’ve only been moving your ass for 7 months”. That made sense, it woke me
up, could this voice be “real” ? Like a little person I had swallowed ? Nope,
I said, I think that after working out for 7 months I’d be used to the
activity and be full of energy, that damn voice answered back “you have no
idea at all, it’s going to get a lot worst before it gets better, a good and
healthy condition takes years to accomplish you don’t get it in 7 months and
you’re stupid if you think so. It takes hard work and perseverence to do it
but you obviously won’t do it because you suck and you’re lazy.” Yeah, I
know, the little voice inside my head can be a real bitch sometimes. I sat
there and wondered about everything that had just happened. What to do, what
to do ? I sat
there staring blankly at the TV, and grumbling and bitching got up, put on my
exercise clothes and proved that fucking voice that I CAN DO IT.
Wednesday, November 14 2001 I
didn’t get a chance to post yesterday but I’m back :) I’ve done yoga and
think it’s awesome, the stretching is just what I was looking for although,
as crazy as it may seem, it leaves my body hurting a lot. I know it’s just a
matter of getting used to it and plus my muscles are probably freaking out
thinking, what’s going on ? After all, they’re not really used to stretching
that much. So
yes, I’m going to be including yoga in my daily routine. Last
night I had a terrible night, I couldn’t get to sleep and when I finally did
I had terrible nightmares, my kneck was really tense and I felt uncomfortable
in general. I’m not sure what it was because I was dog tired yesterday, could
be the exercises I did or maybe not but the fact is that I woke up this
morning and felt stiff, my kneck and back were very soar and I was very
tired. I’ve had this feeling of dizzines all morning (it’s probably due to
lack of sleep, I hope) and in general the many wonders of getting old, huh
? ************************************************************************************ I was just
remembering how I felt when I didn’t exercise and how crappy I felt all the
time and then at some magical point I decided to get a hold of my life and
stop living it hidden under layers of fat, I remember how hard it was to
start and specially how difficult it was to accept the fact that I had a
problem with food. Food was my pal, we had a long history together, years and
years of emotions, pain, laughter, good times, bad times. One day about a
year ago my dad came to visit me and my husband, I hadn’t seen him for over a
year. I went to pick him up at the airport and the look on his face said
everything, my father loves me to death and he didn’t say anything that very
moment but just the look on his face was more than enough. A few days later
he came out and told me that I had to do something with my weight and
mentioned that some family members have had diabetes so I’m in high risk of
getting it myself. I was soooooo upset, I felt betrayed. In my mind he seemed
like such a shallow person, all he cared about were my looks, he doesn’t know
how hard it is for me to be fat, he doesn’t know what’s brought it on, the
nerve he’s got. I gave him the cold shoulder the rest of his trip and after
he left ended up feeling like shit. Here I
am, a year later and a whole new person, he hasn’t seen me yet but I know
he’s going to be happy. Thank you dad, for waking me up and inspiring me to
be a better person because I know that your love and concern are sincere and
you would never hurt me, all you do is for me, my well being, my happiness. I
love you.
Monday, November 12 2001 On
saturday I exercised my calfs, it’s monday and I feel like somebody spent all
night kicking my legs, I feel every step I take with a pain that’s not easy
to explain and wondering if my legs are going to balloon into a huge size (at
least that’s what it feels like). In spite of the hurting I had my mind set,
yup, I’m exercising today and nothing will stop me, so I get on my bike and
start peddaling, OH MY GOD !, scream is a good word to describe what came out
of my mouth, every single movement felt like my legs were on fire, at least
for the first 10 mins. after that they just went numb. I was able to do my
complete workout and thought to myself “Go Me!”. I figured that the worst
part was over and that the pain I felt wouldn’t be back, ever. Yeah, right,
I’m suffering right now, believe me, I’m walking around like an old chicken
(flapping of wings included) so I’m going to take it very easy for the rest
of the day. The drag side of this is that I have to work this evening (we
close shop at 10) because my husband had a previous engagement and I promised
I would cover for him. I’m sitting here with A LOT of pain and trying to keep
a smiling face, thinking how wonderful it’s going to be once I get home, take
a warm shower and lay in my bed. I’ve
noticed that I’m eating less these days, I’m not doing any specific diet I’m
just not as hungry. I’m
going to go focus on something else so this damn pain will go away. Have a
fun day.
Sunday, November 11 2001 Here I
sit eating every single one of my words “I think this month will be one with
significant progress” ummmmm..... well, go see for yourself. Not only
did I not lose anything but somehow I managed to GAIN 2 lbs. My measurements
are pretty much the same, but the weight, damn, that’s weird. This
only makes me want to push harder, I’ve come so far that I’ll be damned if
I’m going to give up now. I
finally found a gym that gives yoga and that I like. I’m going to go visit
them tomorrow and be part of a class if everything goes well I will be
joining. I just want to be sure the instructor (s) know what they’re doing, I
wouldn’t want to risk pulling a muscle or something (yoga seems kinda hard)
and I also want to feel “comfortable” with the place and the people. Umm...
let’s see, what else is new, oh, I’m STILL very tired, I’m going to look into
that too because either I’m pushing too hard or I’m not getting enough energy
out of my food. I could understand feeling like this if I was a real party
animal, out every night, staying up until the break of dawn but I’m not. I
actually think I wouldn’t be able to stay up past 12:00 the way I feel now.
I’ve scheduled an appointment with my doctor for wednesday, we’ll see what he
has to say. Have a
great day.
Saturday, November 10 2001 Yesterday
I only exercised for 15 mins. but that’s better than nothing. I was feeling
blue and depressed, must be something with the moon cycles bcause I have NO
reason at all to feel sad. My husband, poor soul :), is the one that has to
level me out. I can’t imagine even being married to someone else, he’s just
so soothing, he’ll just know something is wrong and then say something that
cracks me up, so no matter how hard I try to keep my sad attitude I just
can’t. Today
I woke up feeling great so I’ll be doing my regular workout and I also have
to measure and weigh myself today so that’s something to look forward to. I’ll
post the results tomorrow. I’m still convinced that this month there will be
significant progress, I can feel and see my body changing everyday. Have a
fun weekend.
Friday,
November 9 2001 I’m
thrilled ! Today I grabbed a pair of shorts in the morning (without paying
attention, I was half asleep) so after I came out of the shower I went over
by the bed and proceeded to get dressed, I was drying my hair when I looked
at myself in the mirror OMG! I was wearing a pair of shorts that not to long
ago had been too tight and now they fit loosely. I could of passed out from
the emotion :) Results,
that’s what we strive for and it’s overwhelming when we see the progress.
Makes you feel like it’s been easy. So again motivation knocks on my door and
I feel commited with myself once again. I’m
thinking that maybe this month there will finally be a weight loss, I’ve been
losing sizes but no actual weight but I “feel” lighter, I’m guessing that by
the end of November I might shed 5 lbs. or so, it’s just something you can
tell. That’s
my aim and I’m going to push as best I can to succeed. Have a
fun weekend and keep exercising. Stay committed.
Thursday, November 8 2001 I’ve
been drinking a lot of water and the results are showing, everytime I stop
drinking the water is when I stop losing weight and just kind of get “stuck”.
I want
to be “energized” like when I was a kid, the way you could play forever and
then watch cartoons and then go out and play some more and then want to stay
up ALL night. Now it’s not like that at all, by 10:00 pm I’m already on
automatic and no matter what I do the day before I ALWAYS wake up feeling
like a truck ran over me and of course if I don’t drink AT LEAST 3 cups of
coffee I’m absolutely useless. Oh,
how I miss my infant years :) I do
feel much better now, way better than when I smoked and was sedentary, I
would NEVER go back to that, ever, but I’m hoping that my energy will go up
some more. Anyway,
I’m looking forward to my workout this afternoon, specially since I joined
the “Just Move” site.
It’s got the coolest option where you choose a personal trainer (virtual) and
if you slack off the trainer is all over your lazy ass motivating you through
e-mails, so that’s pretty neat. Well,
I’m rambling so I’ll just go for today.
Wednesday, November 7 2001 Just
checking in really quick because I’m getting ready to go to my “Nosferatu
Week” :) I’ve exercised yesterday and today and feel great. Now what I’m
doing is one or 2 exercises, concentrating on a specific area for example
legs and I really focus on them until I feel I’ve worked them out good and
after that I do some stretching and some yoga, of course all of this is combined with my cardio which consists
of biking for 45 mins. It’s a very intense feeling, I feel very relaxed and
my muscles feel a lot better. It’s
only been 2 days but I think I like this way better and plus having variety
in your exercise will help you to continue motivated, there’s nothing worst than
getting “bored” with your workout because then it becomes a burden instead of
a pleasurable thing. Yes,
that’s right, I said “pleasurable” because I trully believe that exercising
provides you pleasure, maybe not while your doing it, I’ve heard myself bitch
more than once while doing abdominals but afterwards it’s like heaven. It
starts right at the moment when you finish exercising and you bring your
pulse down, usually lying on the floor, and it continues on through for a few
hours. Since I usually workout in the afternoon this feeling stays with me
until my bedtime and this helps me sleep like a baby. Ok,
gotta go. See ya :)
Tuesday, November 6 2001 Nothing
is going to stop me from exercising this week, I’ve decided. Last night I
went to my local health food store and bought a bucnch of fiber cookies in
all sorts of flavors carrot, orange, etc... so for dinner I had 2 big cookies
and a glass of tomato juice, WOW, that was delicious, I had no idea so
tonight I’m going back and stocking up on more cookies in more flavors, they
are absolutely great, good for snacking and you can combine them with all
sorts of stuff. This
week is “Nosferatu Week” at the cultural center I attend and I had to figure
out how I could go without compromising my workout time so my sweet husband
told me that he’ll work all week so that I can exercise in the morning and go
learn about vampires all afternoon, aww, I just love him so. I
can’t believe the year is almost over it went by so fast, I’m already looking
into ornaments because I want this Christmas to be special. Well,
not much more to say, just hope you have a great day.
Monday, November 5 2001 What’s
my excuse for today ? I have none. I was just too lazy to workout plus I
totally went berzerk on my food and I emotionally feel like I survived a car
wreck. This is what an emotional eater is all about. Lack of control.
Everything can be peachy keen and suddenly, the slightest change of plans or
the smallest problem will become a HUGE issue for the emotional eater. What
happens from there ? Well, it’s a downward spiral from there. Somewhere
along this journey I’ve “learned” to detect when this is starting to happen
and to usually stop it before it gets out of hand but sometimes it’s
overwhelming and it just falls on your head like a rock. So here I am, again,
trying to recover from this mistake. I
don’t know how many more times I’m going to have to pick my sorry ass from
the floor but I’m not giving up. Chaos has been in control of me for far to
long, now I want my life back. Being alive is a risk, a big one, and I see
people deal with everyday problems with a cool head, making decisions left
and right. Me ? I have a problem and to deal with it I have to shove food in
my mouth. LOL, sounds kind of funny :) So,
ok, I didn’t workout today but that does not mean that I’m quitting, no way.
Tomorrow I’m going to be double good to try and make up for my goof up today. Control.
Sunday, November 3 2001 Well,
as it turned out I didn’t workout on friday because I felt like crap and I
came very close to not exercising yesterday either but then at 9:00 pm I felt
a pang of anxiety take over me and I heard a little voice in my head say “get
up and move !” so I did it, yei for me ! I went on my bike and only managed
to do that for about 10 mins. and then I did some exercises that are based on
the movement of animals (cat, tiger, snake, etc...) they’ve got something to
do with yoga. Wow, they were totally cool. I felt totally stretched out and I
felt I put in a good workout, I’ll be including more of those in my daily
activities. I have
to confess that I haven’t been drinking enough water, it’s kind of a
rebellious streak in me. I know I need it because I’m sweating a lot
everyday, and I do get thirsty but for some reason I don’t drink it but
yesterday I said “enough” and decided to just do it. I must have had about 5
glasses of water in about 2 hrs. (I know obssesive) and the outcome was
peeing all night long * sigh *. Today
I’m going to drink water but I’m going to do it right, during the day and
then stop at about 7 so that I don’t have to sleep in the bathroom. I’m
going to look for a link for the exercises I did yesterday, the ones I got
came from a health magazine but I’m sure they must be somewhere on the net. Well,
have a good day.
Friday, November 2 2001 I measured and weighed
myself and came to a conclusion, I’m stuck again. I’ve been registering the
food I eat everyday and I’m averaging 1800
to 2000 calories, I exercise about 1hr a day average, 6 days a week,
you’d think I would be almost invisible by now but no. I know I had large
concentration of fat in my body but this is ridiculous. Ahhhh...
I can’t complaint that much, I do see some changes and specially feel
changes. I feel more fit and with more energy in general and my body is
ALWAYS soar. I’m
just going to stop worrying about it, I’m doing this not only to lose weight
but to improve my general well-being and I hardly think that stressing out
because I haven’t progressed much is good. Yesterday
after biking I did some stretching and it felt wonderful, I’m looking into
some yoga classes, I might sign up for that as an additional workout. What I
REALLY want to do is go and get a massage that will loosen up my muscles,
specially my back. I
think this month is going to be much better than the months before in every
sense. Have a
fun weekend.
Thursday, November 1st 2001 Another
month gone by. I feel very positive, I’ve made healthy changes in my life and
I feel that the future has to start looking better right about now. I’m
hoping November is full of good surprises and that life can start getting
back to normal or at least as normal as it can get under the circumstances. The
play yesterday was awesome I laughed until my stomach hurt, it had been a
while since I had laughed so hard. On
another note I took my pictures yesterday, the #&?$! film got stuck so
I’m missing my “back” pic and the quality of the film is horrible, but I guess
it’s better than nothing at all. I’ll go buy some more film over the weekend
and take the pictures again and then post the new ones but if you MUST look
now at the ones I took you can look here. I don’t know, do you see any changes ? I’m going to have to start taking my pictures in a different
outfit, this one is getting too big and it looks dopey. Well,
anyway, not much more to say, I hope you have a wonderful november !
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