The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.
The Clean Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.
The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
The Second Wave Shit
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
The Sweetcorn Shit
No explanation necessary
The Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
The Notorious Drinker Shit
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
The « Gee, I really wish I could shit » Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
The Wet Cheeks Shit
Also known as the « power dump ». That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
The Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
The Olympic Shit
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered, and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
The Aftershock Shit
This shit has an odour so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.
The « Honeymoon's Over » Shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.
The Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
The Phantom Menace
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
The Peek-a-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
The Bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time when it is either inappropriate to shit (e.g.during root canal operations/hang-gliding) or when you are nowhere near shitting facilities.
The Snake-Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position.
Usually harmless.
The Mexican Food Shit
A class all of its own.
The Back-to-Nature Shit
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
The Pebbles-from-Heaven Shit
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.
Premeditated Shit
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
Shitzophrenia
Fear of shitting - can be fatal.
Energizer vs Duracell Shit
Also known as a « Still Going » Shit.
The Power Dump Shit
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely have time to get your pants down.
The Liquid Plumber Shit
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.)
The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
The « I think I'm giving birth through my asshole » Shit
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
The Porridge Shit
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices:
(a) flush and keep going
(b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless
The « I think I'm turning into a bunny » Shit
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The « What the hell died in here? » Shit
Sometimes also referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
The « I just know there's a turd still dangling there » Shit
When you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
The Antique Shit
A short shit which flattens on impact. Quick drying, it will harden and remain encrusted on the pan until the day when someone has the courage to scrape it off with a chisel.
The « Ariane V » Shit
A lone turd which hits the pan so fast it disintegrates into several bite-size segments.
The Enamel-Removing Shit
Similar to The Antique Shit. After removal it leaves a dull, discoloured patch on most enamel pans.
Le T.G.V. (Le Turde à Grande Vitesse)
This shit occurs when you are hovering precariously high above the low level toilet on board a moving train. Has a tendancy to miss the pan. Requires a good sense of balance.
The Turkish Delight
A cute little turd so delicately produced and so rich in chocolate, it does not deserve to be flushed away. Invite your friends and neighbours round to see it.
The Soothsayer
Pumped out just before breakfast. After this specimen, you just know it's not going to be your lucky day.
The Cave-Diver
Also known as the Ramjet. This shit plunges from your butt, penetrates the water and disappears up the U-bend. Creates a sonic-boom on impact and tends to splash your butt cheeks.
Advice: Begin in a crouched position, close to the water. Just as it's tail end leaves your poop chute stand up straight thus increasing the distance between the water and your butt and minimizing the risk of uncomfortable cold splashes.
The Jaundiced Shit
Arrives prematurely with a distinctly yellow complexion. A very rare species.
Definitely a Guiness Book of Records Shit.
The Depth Charge
Arrives most inconveniently whilst SCUBA diving at depths of up to 18 metres.
Advice: 1. Execute a Controlled Emmergency Swimming Ascent 2. Find ship's toilet 3. Locate remaining sheet(s) of toilet roll 4. Remove wetsuit
© J.W.Moss fait à Paris le 19 juin, 1996
Website created and developed by James W Moss
© Copyright 2001 James W Moss. All Rights Reserved
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