[[a very very funny comedian!]]
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I'll just get a tan instead.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I was at the airport and this guy came up to me and said "I saw you on TV last night." He didn't say if I was any good. He just told me where I was. So I turned away for a minute and said "Hey, I saw you at the airport a minute ago. You were good."
I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. "You seem jittery." "Yeah, I'm about to floss."
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3AM and there was a sign that said "Sorry, We're Closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3AM and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say "Hey, I was here at 3AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."
I get the Reece's candy bar, if you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating your Reece's and some guy name Reece comes up to you and says "Let me have that." You better give it to him. "I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
I've been working the colleges and I always buy the shirts from the college, because they're quality shirts. But people always get the wrong idea. I'm walking around wearing a Washington U shirt and someone says "Hey, Washington U, did you go there?" "Yeah! It was Wednesday."
"Y'know I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stickulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.
I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain't open. That's why I don't guy it, I don't need another step between me and my toast.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trage you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.