Molson's I AM CANADIAN! advertising campaign has done more for this country than any political party since Brian "I Made Millions Off NAFTA" Mulroney signed our national mortgage over to strangers. I'd bemoan the fact that a beer company is more sensitive to Canada's mood than any of our elected leaders, but it could have been worse; it might have been an American company. (Then again, maybe not. Remember that "O Canada" Coke ad?) Anyway, thank God somebody got us talking, even if it had to be a gimmick to sell beer.
Here is the original Molson's ad, followed by several parodies of varying quality that I've found on the Net. (I didn't write any of these, and most had no authorship credits attached.) Diefenbaker's classic "I am a Canadian" speech, which predates Molson's by forty years, brings up the rear.
I AM CANADIAN
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader
and I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English and French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A TOQUE IS A HAT,
A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
MY NAME IS JOE!!
AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
Traduction du texte ci-dessus:
JE SUIS CANADIEN
(Étant donné que ceci est une traduction de l'anglais, toutes les références linguistiques qui y sont comprises sont tirées de la langue anglaise. Je serais toutefois fier d'afficher un "Je suis Québécois" si un de mes frères ou soeurs québécois veux bien m'en envoyer un.)B'jour.
Je ne suis ni bûcheron ni trappeur
je ne vis pas dans un igloo, je ne mange pas de graisse de baleine, j'ai pas de traîneau à chien.
et je ne connais pas Jimmy ou Sally ou Suzy du Canada
mais je suis certain qu'ils sont très sympa.
J'ai un premier ministre, pas un président
je parle anglais ou français, pas américain.
je le prononce "about" et non pas "a boot"
Je pourrais fièrement coudre le drapeau de mon pays sur
mon sac à dos.
je crois au maintien de la paix et non pas aux interventions policières
à la DIVERSITé et NON à l'assimilation
et je crois que le castor est un animal fier et noble!
LA TOQUE EST UN COUVRE-CHEF.
UN "CHESTERFIELD" EST UN DIVAN
ET LE Z SE PRONONCE ZÈDE! NON PAS ZI, ZÉDE!!!
LE CANADA EST LE DEUXIÉME PAYS DU MONDE EN SUPERFICIE!
ET LE PREMIER POUR CE QUI EST DU HOCKEY!
C'EST LA MEILLEURE PARTIE DE L'AMÉRIQUE DU NORD!
MON NOM EST JOE!!
ET JE SUIS CANADIEN!!!!!!!!!
The following parodies were generated by ordinary Canadians and are not affiliated with Molson's or the CNRP in any way:
I AM AMERICAN
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally
I don't live in a clean place,
I don't eat nutritiously very often,
And I abandon my car on the side of the interstate until the tires are stolen.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
Although I'm certain they weren't American.
I drink watery beer.
I don't use utensils when eating.
I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions.
And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T.
I don't say "you're welcome" in response to "thank you" , I say "Uh Huh"
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack......until I go anywhere.
Burger King IS fine dining and Miss America is a virgin.
Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real.
The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of ignorance,
And the BEST part of South America!
My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray, I'm married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!
I AM ITALIAN
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement,
I don't eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very hairy people.
I drink wine, not beer.
I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And I pronounce it ESPRESSO, not EXPRESSO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the world cup.
Gelato IS ice cream,
Biscotti ARE cookies
and Pavarotti IS the best of the three tenors,
And it IS pronounced Broo-SKetta,
not Broo-SHetta, Broo-SKETTA!!!
Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer,
And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Giuseppe!!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM CHINESE
I'm not a cook, an IT guy, or the owner of a laundromat
I don't live with my parents.
I don't eat dog.
And I don't drive a suped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ming or Wing from Markham
Although I'm certain they're very nice people.
I use chopsticks, not a fork.
I don't drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HERRO.
I can proudly fly my country's flag on a tank during a massacre at Tieneman Square
Dim sum IS brunch,
Gwai-Los ARE white folk
And Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa Choi, Gon HAY Fa Choi!!!
China is the largest country in Asia
The FIRST nation of ping-pong,
And the Best remaining communist country!!
My name is FONG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!
I AM INDIAN
by Vickram Jainva
I don't drive a cab,
I don't clean toilets at Pearson,
and I don't work at a Kwik-e Mart.
I don't worship cows,
or ritually set my wife on fire.
And, NO, that is not a towel on my head.
I don't know Balwinder, Johnnie or Sunny from Malton,
although I'm certain they smell of garam masala AND Aqua Velva.
I speak Hindi, I don't speak Hindu!
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car when they win a 3-day test match against those bastards from Brunei by hitting a 100-over in 7 runs - whatever the hell that means.
Squeezing 9 people into a 2-door Maruti IS FUN!!
Extra pickles, 13 packets of ketchup and NO meat IS still a hamburger!!!
Living in my parents' house till age 34 is NOT creepy!!!
And it's pronounced JERO, not zero, JERO!!!!!
India is the 2nd most populous country in the world,
and the FIRST nation of kabadi!!!
My name is Vijay Krishnabalasubramaniam
and I am INDIAN!!!
I AM PAKISTANI
I'm not a taxi cab driver, a variety store clerk or a gas station attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets,
I don't worship elephants,
And I don't eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Brampton,
Although I'm certain they're very sharp salesmen.
I eat roti....not pita.
I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.
A turban IS an article of clothing
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
And curry is a very tasty dish,
And it IS pronounced Gaun-dee, not Gun-dee , GAUN-dee !!
Pakistan IS a Muslim country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the Near East!!
My name is Rajiv
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!
I AM ALBERTAN
I am not an oilman, or a rancher.
I don't drive a pickup truck and I don't own a gun rack.
I can say I have gay friends and I eat tofu. But I still proudly consider myself a redneck.
I can't tell the difference between an Angus, a Hereford or a Moo cow, although I'm sure that it's really, really fascinating.
Sure, I have a drinker for a premier. But he sure beats a
I know how to drive on BOTH kinds of roads, ICE and SNOW.
I know what a true sports rivalry is all about, and it's Ed-MUN-ton, not Ed-MON-ton.
I might mistake a slough for a lake, but I'll never confuse a hill with a mountain.
Patio IS a season!
Barbecued steak and a Big Rock beer IS a gourmet meal!
The Dynasty Oilers were the greatest hockey team ever!
WE ARE THE HOME OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST EASTER EGG!
ALBERTA IS THE COUNTRY'S NUMBER 1 EMPLOYER OF NEWFIES!
THE HOME OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS!!
AND THE BEST PART OF CANADA!!
MY NAME IS Jason!
AND I AM ALBERTAN!!!!!
I AM A NEWFIE
Hey dare, buddy.
I am not a fisherman or a fisherperson
I don't live aroun da bay
Or eat cod-tongues or own a dory
I DO know Johnny, Leo, AND Chester from Newfoundland
I'm positive they make kick-ass fish and chips
I have a premier, not a prime minister
I speak English - wuss all dis French crap about?
I pronounce it byes not boys
I can proudly sew the pink, white, and green on my backpack
and not look like a poser
I believe that our cops don't wear side arms
The CODFISH is a truly noble animal
A solarium IS a tanning-bed
A cabin IS a cottage
And it's pronounced newfun-LAND, NOT new-FOUND-land OR NEW-funlund
Newfoundland is the second island province
The first nation of drinking
And the best party in North America
My name is Baz!
AND I AM A NEWFIE!
I AM MANITOBAN
by Dougald Lamont
I'm not a farmer, a gang member or an arsonist.
I don't live in a sod hut, I don't eat Red River cereal every day for breakfast.
That's a block heater cable, not an electric car.
As it happens, I do know Tom, Dick and Sally from Winnipeg
Tom is my cousin. Sally dated several friends of mine.
It's a jambuster, not a jelly doughnut.
A nip, not a hamburger.
When you step in a freezing puddle in spring its a booter, not a soaker
It's pronounced Por-tij and Main, not Por-taj and Main.
I can proudly say that Winnipeg is where the Bronfman's started bootlegging, where Bob Hope first learned to golf, and has the highest per-capita slurpee consumption on the planet.
Winnipeg IS the centre of the country,
And the centre of North America, at least when you look at it geographically.
YES it's COLD but it's a DRY cold
And the Mosquito, not the spotted owl, should be our provincial bird.
Manitoba is the ONLY place you can get a decent burger
A surprisingly cosmopolitan place with a vibrant cultural scene, and despite the humiliating departure of our hockey franchise,
The BEST part of Canada!!
My name is JJ
AND I AM MANITOBAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a Canadian,
free to speak without fear,
free to worship in my own way,
free to stand for what I think right,
free to oppose what I believe wrong,
or free to choose those who shall govern my country.
This heritage of freedom
I pledge to uphold
for myself and all mankind.
(From the Canadian Bill of Rights, July 1, 1960.)
And of course, the obligatory spoiler. Hey, it's as Canadian as street hockey. (The CNRP is not responsible for missed points.)