MY FRIENDS
After coming out to my mom I decided my friends would be next. In my mind I had predicted each one of their reactions. My accuracy was poor.

I first told a friend that I share an office with. We're not the closest of friends, but she's rather liberal in her thinking. Because of these two factors I felt it was safe to come out her. I thought about it for days before I actually had the nerve to do it. The therapist that helped me with coming out to my mother told me that there are many "right" times. I waited - I let several "right" times go, and then one day I took a deep breath and did it.

She seemed unphased by my revelation. She told me that it didn't change her feelings for me, and that she only wanted me to be happy. She asked questions - She wanted to see pictures of other FTMs - those two actions meant the world to me.

I felt high after coming out to her. I couldn't believe how easy it had been, and how well she had taken the news. It gave me a great sense of confidence.

While still floating on this high from coming out to my office mate, I then wanted to tell my best friend. I would have told him first, but he had moved several months prior to my decision to transition. My office mate became my first choice because I needed to see the facial expression of someone getting this news.

I found one of those many "right" times to tell my best friend, though I'm not sure it was the best way to tell him. I came out to him in an email. I thought it would be easier to write him than to tell him on the phone.

I'm not sure exactly what I expected his reaction to be. I guess I had hoped it would be similar to my office mate's reaction. He knew me better and I suppose I figured he'd be even more supportive than my office mate had been.

He responded to my email a little later that same day. He's only words were that this news came out of left field and that he needed time to think about it. His reaction was understandable, but I was left feeling a little flat and quite vulnerable. Every high that I felt coming out to my office mate was immediately wiped away. I felt rejected and alone.

Later that day I got an email from my best friend's wife. I was surprised - she and I weren't as close. She asked me many questions, she showed concern, and she showed compassion. I felt a bit odd answering her questions. It wasn't her that I intended to come out to that day. I was angry at my best friend for not being the one writing me. Though I was sure some of the questions were his, I was pissed that he didn't speak to me himself. I felt that the man I loved most in the world had ran from me - hid from me.

A month passed before we spoke again. He called me and I was very unsure how to interact with him. I had no real sense of how he felt about me. We talked much like we did before I came out to him, but I was uneasy - I was still hurt. I decided I would not bring up the topic of my transition because I didn't feel I was strong enough to be rejected again. He brought up the topic himself. I could tell he felt awkward talking about it. He ask only how my family was taking the news, and after I answered that, the conversation seemed to die. I didn't feel as bad as I did after I first broke the news to him, but I still felt things were unresolved between us.

It's been a slow process - we can talk about my transition more frankly now. He has asked me to share the experiences of my transition with him, and he's even asked me to visit him. I still feel like he's my brother, but I feel different than I did before I came out to him. I miss what I felt for him a year ago.

Later I told my work out partner. He had moved to Atlanta several months before my transition, but we called each other frequently. This guy was a funny case, and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to come out to him. It wasn’t like we hung out very much anymore, but we did talk often. He is also a very conservative thinking guy.

One day while talking on the phone, I spilled my guts. There was a long silence and then he said that was the heaviest thing he had ever heard. Then after another pause, he said that if that was what I needed to do, he supported me. Later on in the conversation, he joked that now he was sad. I asked him  why, and he replied that me doing this would mean there was one less pussy in the world. (We often spoke to each other in these crude terms). Then I pointed out that not only would there be one less pussy, but also one more dick competing for what pussy was left. We both laughed.

I can say without a doubt, that of all my friends, he has been the least affected by my news. We still talk frequently. Nothing has ever changed between us (January 30, 2001).

One and a half years later…. I don’t have any day to day contact with the friends I knew when I first came out about my transition. Because I’ve moved, I speak to them occasionally and email them often, but see them rarely. Most seem to have come to terms with my new life. Some times they make a mistake and use the wrong name or pronoun, but for the most part they all are very supportive. I can say that I’ve not lost a single friend because of my transition.

I’ve met a few people in the past year that I would consider friends, but I've only told one about my transition. I don’t really feel close enough with most of them to share that part of my life. I also worry that if I did tell them, I would never be seen just as a man again (June 17, 2002 ).

Coming out to:
My Mom            My Sister

  email me

Updated June 17, 2002