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Updated June 17, 2002
MY SISTER
I came out to my sister
in March 2001. I felt relieved to finally have that task out of the way. It
all seemed more or less like a formality, rather than anything significant.
There actually wasn't much dread about it.
I called her up at work and asked if she would stop by my Mom's house after
work. She asked what for, and I told her I needed to talk to her. She begged
me to tell her on the phone so she wouldn't have to wait, but instead I just
told her that I made a decision about my life and I just wanted to tell her
about it. Frustrated with the little information I gave her, she agreed to
come over after work.
Originally, I had planned to have this discussion with my Mom present, but
when my sister pulled into the driveway, my Mom excused herself. I chit chatted
with my sister for a few minutes, but then sensed her nervousness. I decided
to just tell her right away - no sugar coating. She didn't seemed shocked
or disappointed or repulsed. She just told me that it's my life and I have
to ultimately live with my decisions. I said yes that was true, but that her
and her children were very important to me, and I wanted to keep them in
my life.
I also told her that I had long sensed her feelings about me being gay,
and that I knew it bothered her. She denied me being gay ever bothered her,
though I have been told by my mother that she doesn't feel at all comfortable
with having a lesbian for a sister. In fact, her whole demeanor after I told
her I was trans was nearly exactly like her demeanor when I came out as a
lesbian to her years ago. And I suspect her reactions to me in the future
will be the same. Yes, I've told her and yes, she's told me that it doesn't
bother her, but it's all far from being over with.
One thing I know about my family is that we generally stick our heads in
the sand and just wait and pray for the bad things to go away. I will be the
elephant sitting on the dinner table that everyone pretends not to see, just
as I was as a lesbian. The only difference now will that I'll be an elephant
with a beard (March 2001).
One year
later……My initial feelings about how my sister would ultimately react
to the news about me being trans were dead on the money. For the first couple
of months, she pretended to be ok with everything. But after my voice changed,
I slowly began to notice that my phone calls weren’t being returned. I’ve
gotten to talk to the kids a few times over the phone, but I haven’t seen
them at all during the past year. I wasn’t invited to come home for the holidays,
and on the one visit I did make to my mom’s, my sister and the kids never
came over to see me. I suspect it may be a long while before I ever get to
see them again.
My worst fear about transitioning has been the potential of losing my family.
In the case of my sister, this has happened. I don’t know if the loss is temporary
or not, but I can live with the fact that it is her choice. What I have trouble
with is the loss of knowing my nieces and nephews (June 2002
).
Updated June 17, 2002