2001-04-02 16:29:00; Just call me Beta Boy.........
Over the last couple of months I've notice some differences in my social behavior. I especially picked up on these differences while in Atlanta last week.

Killing some time before my appointment, I took a walk in downtown Atlanta. I came across two young guys walking the opposite direction on the sidewalk. A year ago I would have said good morning to them, but on this day I struggled to make eye contact. Later on I sat down and tried to figure out why in the past couple of months I have a fear of young guys. I'm physically able to hold my own. I'm nearly 6 foot and I weigh 175 lbs. I can fight - even knocked my father out cold in a fight when I was only 13. From what I can figure it isn't a physical thing. I truly feel it's a social thing. I just don't feel comfortable with my inexperience as a man living and working around other men.

I fear being challenged by other men, and not knowing socially how to approach the challenge. It's a very odd sensation since before these recent months, I felt more comfortable around men than women. Right now I don't feel I can challenge the alpha wolf quite just yet.

On the other hand, I feel much more free while interacting with women. That may partly be due to becoming single recently, but I feel it more likely comes from feeling good in my own skin. On the same trip to Atlanta, I found myself flirting with two different women. Both seemed receptive even though I'm not sure if I passed as male with one of them. I would never have been as brave a year ago.

2001-04-03 13:05:00; I'll never look at a doorknob the same way again.......
I went to have my prescription filled today. No problems other than I paid through the bloody nose to get it. I have to find a cheaper source. I think I'm paying nearly 4 times what I should. I'll have to do some research.

The ladies at the pharmacy were great. I passed with them and even talked a while with one of them. I think I could get used to this passing stuff. It's fun.

To the disappointment of one of my FTM friends, I have no significant things to report after being on T for a whole 4 days. I'm not pushing out chest hairs left and right, but I do stink differently. I'm also more oily, but that seems to be fading a bit.

It seems that my libido has shifted as well. Sunday night I had three different sexually explicit dreams. That's a month's worth for me normally. And last night I dreamt of a room filled with erect cocks. I'm not sure what that one was all about - but even the doorknobs in the room I dreaaamt of were shaped like cocks.

I'm feeling better physically and emotionally - I'm walking a little taller, but I think it's all just relief that the endo appointment is finally over with.

2001-04-04 11:47:00; Going to get a T-shirt made.....
I'm getting pretty tired of the bottom surgery questions.

2001-04-05 13:59:00; The good side of bad news.....
I got the test results from my visit to the endo's. All and all I'm in good shape, however my thyroid isn't firing on all 4 cylinders - I have a hypoactive thyroid. I hear that's rather common and something treatable with medication. However, I just hate that I have to go back to the doctor, and that I'll probably have to take stupid pills for the rest of my life to correct this problem.

On the good side though, I'm also relieved. I've been fatigued for the better part of a year. I've not felt like my old self in so long that I can't remember the last time I felt I could do anything I wanted to without being tired. I didn't think there was really anything physically wrong with me. I chalked my lethargicness to stress. The stress from finishing my phd, the stress from transitioning, and the stress from trying to maintain relationships with important people in my life. There were even days that I would wake up exhausted. So now hearing that my thyroid isn't working properly makes total sense.

I hate having to scrap up the money to see the doctor again, but I'm relieved that it's something that can be fixed. I'm happy that it was caught. And the best part is that by fixing my thyroid will allow me to make the best use of the T I'm injecting.

2001-04-07 03:25:00; My inner fag said hello.......
Over the past couple of months I've received many questions from friends concerning the phenomenon of FTMs becoming gay men after they transition. I've had people tell me that every FTM they've known who dated women before transitioning later switched to other FTMs or gay guys during and after transition. Some asked out of curiosity, while others asked because they've been hurt by a FTM partner that left them for a guy. I have my own theory about what happens, though I don't know how valid it is. The following is an excerpt of a letter I wrote to a femme who felt this activity was a deep rejection of womanhood and the femme gender.

*********

I understand your personal feelings about FtMs that become gay men. I've heard the same thing from so many people, but I have a slightly different theory about it all. Whether it is valid or not, I cannot say - please realize that I'm going through this transition without any real interaction with a community. Statistically speaking, I'm probably the only FtM in this area, but if you will allow me, I'll tell you a few of my ideas.

On a personal level, I've found an inner fag in me. He has always been there - I'm quite sure of that, but I've suppressed him. Why? Well, I think it comes from a confusion between sexuality and gender. At an earlier time in my development I would have easily felt that an attraction to a man would have made me female (those binary gender standards from society strike us all so deep). I think some of my attraction to femmes even made me feel more male. Someone who saw my last girlfriend and I together said that I never looked more masculinity than when I was with her. Meaning that her femininity contrasted with me - my "feminine" traits were less obvious neeext to her. Now don't get me wrong I love you femmes and that would never be the reason I was with one, but it certainly helped to make me feel more masculine on some level.

What is different now is that I live as male. People may still see a woman physically, but I freely express my masculinity now. I don't hold back any more. This has drastically changed my self image. I'm far more comfortable with myself and who I am. It is now that the inner fag says hello. With my new self confidence I don't feel as though an attraction to men makes me feel less masculine. I truly don't feel the greeting from my inner fag stems from a misogynistic trait.

However, like I said before, I don't have a FtM community. I hear the peer pressure is unreal in the community to identify as a gay male. Where that comes from is unknown to me. Because I no longer feel threatened by the fag in me, curiosity may make me explore a bi path someday - I'm not sure. Quite frankly I feel I love hips, breasts, and femme attitude way too much to ever feel completely comfortable as a gay guy.

2001-04-09 19:30:00; What cloth to be cut from.....
I was once asked what characters from hollywood would I choose for my male self. After thinking for awhile I replied I would most like to be a cross between Paul Newman's character in "Cool Hand Luke" and Sidney Portier's character in "In the Heat of the Night". Afterwards, I sat down and tried without success to determine exactly why I picked those two characters. Even today, I'm not sure beyond superficial characteristics why I picked them.

I once thought that if I only had the body I was supposed to be born with I would be a complete man. However, I'm realizing now that this transition is as much social and emotional as it is physical.

For the past couple of months, I've been doing my best to live as male in society, and I can't say that I've been very successful. The best I've been able to do is act as male. Living as and acting as are two distinctly different things.

During this time, I don't think I've acted as the same guy two days in a row. Part of this experience has been fun. I've been trying on different attitudes and roles as if they were costumes. However, other times I've wondered if I'll ever be able to find a place I'm socially comfortable at.

I believe there is a core personality to every person. Perhaps I would even call it a temperament, but so much of the other parts of us are socially determined. I have missed out of the socialization that boys and men receive. Now all of a sudden, I've been thrown into a world that will judge me on these skills. I truly think this lack of socialization could effect many aspects of my life, such as my ability in the work place or how future partners and lovers perceive me.

I've been studying the behavior of men intensely over the last year, but until I tried to apply those behaviors, did I realize how tough it can be. I'm trying hard find the formula of male behavior that allows me to express my masculinity while maintaining the "good" traits that I've developed from being socialized as female. If it works I think I could be a very balanced and sensitive man. If it doesn't work I think I might have some real problems socializing.

2001-04-10 16:12:00; Ready for another boost.....
With only 4 days away until my next shot, I find that I'm very edgy. I don't know how much of that anxiety is psychological and how much is physical, but I have a real desire for another shot.

The oiliness in my skin has faded a bit, but it's still worse than before my first shot. The 3 erotic dreams a night didn't happen this week, and the tingling/throbbing below my belt has faded a bit as well. I would say my sex drive this week is only on the high side of normal for me.

I've decided to self inject this time. I had planned to go to a clinic, but I decided today not to since I'll have to scrap up some money to get my thyroid fixed.

My mom laughed when I told her I was doing it solo. She said she can see me chasing myself around the room with the needle. How hard can it be? That's what I keep telling myself.

2001-04-12 11:35:00; Only inches apart......
A few days ago I found out that my mom and I are only inches apart rather than miles. My mom did a very courageous thing - she came to one of my head shrinking sessions. It was amazing and surprising. She spoke so freely and openly about her feelings. Why is it that as soon as you put a stranger in a room people can express their more intimate feelings? It reminds me of people on talk shows who allof a sudden free their darkest secrets in front of 30 million viewers.

Anyway, my mom told me some of her problems with my transition, andshe expressed a great deal of understanding about my choice. She even told me that she thought it took courage to do what I'm doing - I needed to hear that from her.

My shrink acted as my advocate, but in the least threatening way mpossible. She asked great questions and prompted us to open up mlines of communication. I don't come from a family that gets into that touchy-feely stuff much, so a little prompting helped.

I, in no way, think that there won't be a problem from this day on, but I feel more assured that there will be more communication. What a relief!

2001-04-13 22:30:00; Whoever said "no pain no gain" lied......
Slid the needle in - shot in the magic stuff - pulled out theeee needle out. Absolutely no pain. Now, bring on the erotic dreams!

2001-04-16 15:30:00; Work half as hard and complain twice as much.....
I've been working a side job on the weekends for a guy fixing up his homes to sell. I do a little gardening and minor remodeling. The money is ok, but the coolest thing about the job is that I pass as male with the guy and his wife. Now, I'm not sure if I passed from day one though. They always used my name, rather than pronouns when talking about me, so I'm not sure if they really knew from the beginning. However, this weekend they all of a sudden began using male pronouns: "Maybe HE'D like another sandwich", "Maybe we should have HIM plant some more flowers", etc. Once they used a male pronoun and I didn't "correct" them, I think they felt comfortable with me as a guy.

I once took a human development class in undergrad, and we talked about how it drives people crazy if they don't know the sex of a baby. If someone is asked to hold a baby, they will generally first ask is it a boy or a girl. If they are not told they might peek to find out. If they are told not to peek, they will generally make up a gender for that child. I think that is human nature - I even think us trans folks would exhibitt much the same behavior. Maybe this couple I'm working for felt much the same way. Once they convinced themselves I was male I became male no matter what female traits showed up.

It's all quite interesting to me, but I think if I am to succeed in passing as male on all my jobs I will have to adopt a male work ethic. That ethic being: work half as hard as a female and complain twice as much as her. My mom laughs every time I tell her that one! :-)

2001-04-17 19:48:00; Easily crossed today.......
I'm feeling terrible today. I'm irritable, weak, and achy. It might be a cold since I have a sore throat, but I also broke out with a mild case of acne today - so I'm thinking it might be hormonal. I ssspent most of the day in bed.

2001-04-19 02:00:00; I'm a different creature in my fantasy world now.....
My attraction to women came at an early age. I first fell in love with Ginger from "Gilligan's Island" at the age of 7. All through elementary school, I had school yard girl friends, and I spent my afternoon classes daydreaming of saving the most beautiful girl in school from every disaster I could think of. Even to this day I'm lusting after a high school crush, though she never had a clue how I felt about her. A woman's mind and form has always been beautiful to me, but now, after a few weeks on testosterone, I'm realizing how acutely aroused I've become by women visually.

It's amazing how different things are. I used to notice women before, but nothing like now. I definitely feel a physical and mental response to the women I see. I often have what I'm now calling flash fantasies when I see a woman that arouses me. I suddenly see in my mind many different sexual visions and scenarios.

Prior to hormones, my fantasies did not need all the physical components filled in. I didn't need to think about what her breasts looked like, or what her legs looked like. It was definitely more emotional based. Now my fantasies are much more physically based than before. I'm definitely a different creature in my fantasy world than I was a few weeks ago.

2001-04-21 14:33:00; Going for the unibrow look......
During the week following my second shot, I've not felt extremely well. I experienced mostly nausea, but never enough to toss my cookies - just a dull uneasiness. I think it might be related to the T, though I'm not entirely sure.

There haven't been any other majorly noticeable events. My dreams are back. I dream of women nearly every night. I'm also having an equal number of cock dreams. For the last week I've had a half dozen dreams about growing a penis. It's kind of frustrating because I know that will never happen, and in my dreams I feel more complete when I notice that I finally have a penis.

On the physical side of things, I think my body fat is beginning to shift. I'm getting a bit of a belly, and my arms and legs seem more defined than last month. A couple days after my second shot, I noticed the pores on my face were significantly larger. It gives my face a slightly grainier look, but nothing like whiskers will. Speaking of whiskers, no sign of new whiskers. I only had 3 prior to my first shot (all on the left side of my chin), so once they start to come in they'll be easily spotted. However, my eyebrows seem thicker. Wouldn't it suck if I get a unibrow??? It would be just my luck if I never grew any whiskers on my chin and only grew eyebrow hair and ear hair. :-)

2001-04-23 15:18:00; What if they think you're a gay guy.....
A couple of weeks ago, I was in the laundry mat when four frat guys came in. I've been uneasy around guys like these for the past few months, so I'm more on guard when I see them. I was minding my own business when they began to fold their clothes. However, I could hear a change in their conversation. All of a sudden they were telling gay jokes - faggot this and faggot that. Being slightly paranoid these days, I felt the jokes might be directed toward me. I never thought about it before, but maybe I do resemble what some people think of as a gay guy. I'm not the toughest looking or acting of guys, and these sort of people have no idea that some gay guys are the most macho looking and acting fellas you can meet.

I then felt a shot of terror run through me - not because I was perceived as a gay guy, but that my physical safety might be at stake because they thought I was a gay guy. Being a lesbian I never really feared for my physical safety - I was always more cautious of course, but I felt in the South, gay guys were at much more at risk than lesbians.

Then last Friday something else happened to make me think even more about this. I was talking to a friend when she informed me that at this point in time I look like a masculine woman to her, but when I complete my transition she'll probably see me as feminine male. I told her she was entitled to see me anyway she sees fit. She then asked if it would bother me if the world saw me as a gay guy. I said I'm not a gay guy, but if people were to see me as one there isn't much I could do about that. Her response was don't you think you should compensate more - meaning act more "male". This infuriateddd me, and I yelled at her saying why does it matter how people see me. It angers me how some people expect you to live your life. It angers me how some people want to "correct" your behavior by making you feel threatened or embarrassed. I see my friend's action no differently than I see the actions of the four frat boys in the laundry mat. Both were attempting to change my behavior by making me feel uncomfortable and uneasy.

2001-04-24 16:22:00; D'oh! but I guess this means I don't have to pay........
I've been feeling a bit more courageous when it comes to women, so I thought I'd take a chance and I asked out a girl I thought liked me. She said yes, but later asked if she could bring a friend along. D'oh! Misread that one *smacking forehead*, but doesn't this mean I don't have to pay?????

2001-04-26 21:15:00; Do you see what I see.....
I've gotten a two-fold boost in the past two days.

Yesterday, my shrink thought she noticed a change in my facial structure. She said she looked at me and thought to herself that I shouldn't have trouble passing. Then today, a friend told me my voice is definitely lower.

I'm always cautious when it comes to noticing new things. I want to make sure it isn't just wishful thinking making me see changes. I thought my face looked more rigid this week, and I felt a rattle in my throat that I hadn't felt before.

It's so great to hear that my friends are noticing the same changes as me. The people that knew me as a girl seem to have the hardest time seeing me as a guy. I feel confident that I pass most of the time in public with strangers, but the people closest to me don't always see me like others do.

I've put a new photo up on my webpage. There seems to be a difference between each. However, the difference isn't hormonal - rather I think I'm getting a bit better at cutting my hair.

2001-04-29 12:18:00; What to say and when to say it.........
On my weekend job I pass as male. This brings up a variety of feelings for me. I feel great that I'm seen as a guy, but I still feel odd when I'm called a guy. I almost feel this need to tell the fella I'm working for that I'm FtM - by not doing so I feel as though I'm being dishonest.

The dishonesty issue stems from our lunch time conversations. At lunch the guys I work with talk like guys talk, and I know that talk would be different if they thought for a moment I was/had been a woman. I feel like a spy. It's been a great experience though. It's a safe environment for me, and a way for me to catch up on the male social skills that I missed out on. But I think it will be awhile before I figure out all the new boundaries and guidelines that I'll be using in this transition.

I've already set one boundary though. I will no longer answer questions about bottom surgery. It never ceases to amaze me how people can ask such a question without shame. (I'm talking about the people who ask out of morbid curiosity). I've always felt that my transition could be an educational process not only for myself but also for those around me, so I've almost felt an obligation to answer any question asked of me. However, something happened awhile back that changed that. I came out to my department head because I wanted him to use the correct pronouns on my letters of reference for future jobs. He asked a few questions that were well meaning, but then he asked me about bottom surgery. It seemed inappropriate to answer such an intimate question to a person I have a strictly professional relationship with. I answered as briefly as I could, but still I felt a level of exploitation and violation. That day I drew the line about bottom surgery questions.

However, I find there are still so many more lines to draw. One that I haven't had to deal with as of yet, is when to tell a girl you'd like to have a relationship with. I feel like you should tell someone right away, but that would make it the largest issue on the table. How do you get to know someone if all they can think about is he used to be a she. My shrink says there's nothing wrong going out on one date without telling. What do you guys think? Let me know.....

2001-04-30 16:17:00; The good side of bad news - part II.......
I went back to my endo today. I guess my thryoid was worse than I thought. I've been put on more medication than a friend of mine who only has half a thyroid. This should make a great deal of differentin my energy levels - maybe it will help me burn off this sizaaable gut I've gotten since starting T :)

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