2001-05-01 09:54:00; My testosterone schedule........
I don't think I ever outlined my testosterone schedule in my journal and I think perhaps it's a good idea that I do - I know I used other guy's journals to fiinnd out all I could about testosterone before I went to my endo. Also I think lots of FtMs misuse their testosterone and I worry about that.

My doctor has me on a schedule that slowly increases my dose of testosterone over a 4 month period. Currently I'm on 100 mg testosterone every 2 weeks. This is about half of the normal dose for those guys that haven't had a hysterectomy. I'm seeing progressive changes, but it wasn't enough to shut down my period last month - my doc says the next increase in dose should take care of that.

I will stay on 100 mg /2 wks for a total of 2 months. Then I'll increase to 150 mg /2 wks for 2 months and then if I think I need it I will go up to 200 mg /2 wks. However, right now I don't think it will be necessary to go to the latter dose. I'm seeing good progress even at this low dose, and as long as my period shuts down at 150 mg /2 weeks I'll be happy at the less than normal dose.

What prompted me to write about this has been some of the activities I read about on my email lists. I currently read of a guy who has decided to take 400 mg /3 wks. His period stopped early on when he was only on testosterone patches. This concerns me quite a bit. I understand the desire to masculinize as quickly as possible, but much of what will happen to your body is determined by genetics and time. I truly don't think that the health risk of taking much more testosterone than you need will change the overall outcome.

I think much of the misuse of testosterone stems from the chest-thumping of the FtM community itself. I've already had to deal with peer pressure from the FtM community. When I first told a friend how much testosterone I was on, he laughed and told me that I need to just go ahead and double that. He said I'll never seen any changes at that level. For awhile I contemplated taking his advice, but this is my reasoning for not taking more than was prescribed: The level of testosterone needed to see changes varies quite a bit from person to person. The range of testosterone in a biological male is between 300 ng/dl - 1,000 ng/dl. Everyone's dose may differ, but I'm here to say that you CAN see differences at lower doses. Don't always believe the hype you read about on FtM support lists.

2001-05-02 11:52:00; I miss the more pleasant smell of the ladies' room....
For a couple of months or so I've been trying to use the men's room more and more often. Up to now I've stuck to the men's rooms that were single stalled, but I decided now that at least once a week I will use multi-stalled rooms. Yesterday I began. It was a bit of a surreal experience. The multi-stalled rooms are not unlike any of the other men's room I've been in, but it's a different experience when you know other guys can come walking in at any time. I felt a bit of anxiety as I worked up the courage to go in - worried that someone in there would ask me the bio-guy's club secret hand shake or something, but as I pushed the door open, I found my overall feeling was that of exhilaration.

When I entered there wasn't anyone at the urinals. After walking into a stall, I heard a couple of men come in. I did my thing, washed my hands and left without making eye contact with the guys in there. I think not making eye contact is more than acceptable in the men's room. :)

2001-05-03 15:02:00; Report from planet Alteredboy......
I got a big shock last time I saw my endo. I had gained 10 lbs in one mostly in my neck and shoulders, but that gain cannot account for the entire 10 lbs. I have quite a gut currently, but I believe that is mostly a redistribution of fat from my butt and hips. (I've come to love the gut, by the way - I'm having fun rubbing it and poking at it). The redistribution cannot account for the weight gain either, so I figure it is nearly all due to water retention. I hear T does cause you to retain water if you don't drink enough H2O.

I've also notice in the past week or so that the oil in my skin has subsided. Acne has not been a serious problem as of yet. I get a couple of zits with every shot. I have taken extra care to clean my face every time I'm in the bathroom. Maybe that practice is helping me out a bit. If my first puberty is any indication of how my second puberty will be, acne might be a serious problem for me.

With the subsidence of the oil, I've also noticed that I don't smell the way I did early on. Thank God, but it could also mean that I've just gotten used to the new stink. I've given all my friends permission to be brutally honest about my smell if they notice me being more odorous than normal.

Though it remains very very thin, the hair on my face is growing much more rapidly. I was barely a once a week shaver of the peach fuzz on my face prior to testosterone, but I now find I can shave twice a week. No real whiskers yet, but the fuzz is growing faster in all the cool areas: the sideburns, upper lip and chin, so perhaps this is an indication of things to come. I don't plan to wear facial hair, but I sure want to have the capability of growing it if I want.

I haven't notice any significant changes in any of my other body hair. The hair on my legs was rather thick prior to testosterone, however I don't have a lot of hair anywhere else. If the hair on my arms is growing in thicker, it's nearly impossible to tell since it's already been bleached out from all the field work I've done this spring.

The only other noticeable effect I've discovered this week is the thickening of my fingers. I have large hands, but very slender fingers. I feared that I would always have slender lady fingers, but it seems that they are now starting to thicken slightly. This edema may be a side effect of the recent increase retained water.

Well, that's all to report from planet Alteredboy this week.

2001-05-04 15:58:00; Crossing the double yellow line.......
I'm having a bit of a struggle the past couple of days. I'm not even sure how to explain it really. My moods are swinging quite a bit - I ,feel a little off balanced. My feelings range from feeling ok one minute to feeling utterly alone the next - feeling easy going and happy one second and slighted and jilted the next. And I can feel peaceful one day and volatile the next. I don't like being all over the road like this. Last night was a rough night. I couldn't sleep because I was filled with such uncertainty and loneliness, but today I feel just fine and I find I can smile so easily.

2001-05-09 00:03:00; New Life Body Shop......
I was working on Dave's lakefront property this weekend - putting up new siding. It was a hot and bright day. I wore a new used work shirt I bought at Goodwill for 50 cents. The patch on the left side told me the guy who last owned the shirt was named Craig, and the patch on the right side told me that he worked at a place called the New Life Body Shop. I decided these words would be my code that says I'm FtM.

The other guys I work with usually take their shirts off by mid afternoon, but I cannot. Instead I wear a binder, a tshirt, and this new work shirt. Before noon, the temperature had reached 90 degrees. Even with a nice breeze off the lake, I had become saturated in my own sweat. Rarely would I think this would be a remarkable event in my life, but my overheated condition brought on one of the most significant events in my transition.

Have you ever smelt an odor and pulled from your memory the place you were the last time you smelt it? This weekend I smelt an odor I had not smelt in over a decade. It was the smell of my father. Oh how I remember so clearly how he smelt as we worked outside together. It wasn't a foul odor, but rather a musky one. A very masculine smell - the kind fitting his jeans, white tshirt and cowboy boots.

While I finished my work, I thought back to my father. I no longer have a relationship with him. I can't even say I respect the man, but he was my father. In someways I'm sure he's influenced my mind's image of maleness more than anyone else. As I hammered in the last few wooden pieces of siding, I felt more male than I ever had before.

2001-05-11 08:20:00; All I wanted was a little crumb at dinner.....
Today, I got to see a couple of friends I haven't seen in a few months. I was eager to see if they noticed any changes. However, they didn't mention a word about my physical appearance. I'm not sure if they didn't see anything at all, or if they were just uncomfortable discussing it. I hesitate soliciting any comments on my appearance. I want to hear their unbiased observations and use them to compare them to my own observations. I left dinner disappointed.

I don't know why validation from my friends and family is so important. They are such a hard crowd to win over, and I hate that I waste so much of my energy trying to get feedback from them. I find I get quite a bit of validation from the rest of the world now. I've slid into society a lot easier than I thought I would at this stage. That should make me feel good enough, but yet the desire remains to hear from my friends that I've turned into a fine looking man.

2001-05-16 08:47:00; This is turning into a piss and moan fest....
I discussed my upcoming graduation with my mom this weekend. I've debated whether I'd really like to go or not. The only reason I thought I would go would be for my nieces and nephews. I want them to see the high side of education. But I told my mom that I would only graduate as a man, and I would not pull Michelle out of the closet to make my sister feel better about attending. My mom told me that she didn't think my sister would attend then. I knew that, and I just don't have the energy to try to change it.

My sister still hasn't told the kids about me, but I think they are starting to see some differences (I doubt that they have guessed the extent of it all). I talked to my niece on the telephone and she didn't recognize my voice. When I saw my youngest nephew, he seemed very timid around me. I could tell he was studying me. It soon wore off, but I could tell things were different for him.

I don't know when my sister is going to finally spill the beans to them. It isn't like she can hide this from them like she hid my homosexuality.

So I still haven't decided if I will go to my graduation or not. My mom said she'd come and I guess that and making my boss hood me in a suit should make me happy enough. We'll see.

2001-05-17 09:19:00; What's new on planet Alteredboy.....
Hair, hair, hair! All of a sudden I'm noticing new sprouts of hair. The hair on my chin is coming in darker and thicker. I'm surprised. I thought my beard would come in gray since I'm quite gray headed. I have many more new whiskers on the left side of my chin than the right, and that's disturbing me a bit.

The whiskers on my upper lip are coming in as well - however, they are much thinner than the chin whiskers. I'm shaving my chin and lip everyday now - the rest of the face bi-weekly still. I like the clean shaven look but I can't wait to see the graininess of underlying whiskers. I think it will help me to look my age. As it is right now, I don't think I look old enough to buy beer.

The hair on my belly is increasing too. My arms and legs look the same, and so far no hair on the back....thank goodness.

I still weigh around 185 lbs, but my gut is slowly melting away. That may be thanks to the thyroid medication. I can really tell it's starting to work. I feel much warmer, my heart rate has gone up from 60 to 70, and I'm sleeping less. I'm finally feeling like I have the energy to start working out regularly again.

My arms are as big and as defined as they ever were when I was on a rigid work out program. I'm starting to put on some real muscle mass on my upper body. I still have tiny wrists, but maybe a little time in the gym will help.

My mood swings aren't quite as wild as they were a week or so ago. I talked to my shrink about it, and she felt what I described was hormonally related. She said it's probably quite normal. That made me feel a little better, yet I'd still like to have better control.

I think some of the feeling of aloneness comes from a recent increased desire for companionship. I don't want a relationship, but some nights I want a companion. Though this desire isn't entirely sexual in nature, most of it is. Part of me would be happy with just having someone in the house to talk to, but most of me (the horndog part of me) just really really really wants to have sex. Monosex is really starting to lose it's thrill!

Also on the emotional side of things, I'm feeling my anger more physically now. I have a true impulse to act physically in response to my anger. I don't act on it of course, but the impulse is definitely there. For example, a 17 year old guy hit on my 13 year old niece this weekend, and I wanted to kill him. Of course my niece loved it, but I just wanted to snap him in two. I don't think this new found aggression will be a problem, but I'm keeping an eye on it regardless.

Well, other than a couple of zits, that's all there is to report for now.

Captain Alteredboy signing off.

2001-05-18 14:49:00; "They" just don't get it....
One of my friends is angry at me because I won't attend her baby shower. I felt this may become an issue, and a few weeks ago, when my invitation arrived, I tried to explain my feelings about going. I looked on the invitation list and saw that no other male friends of hers was being invited. Had they been, I would have no trouble in going.

See, I don't feel this is an issue about my friendship with her. Quite frankly, if my daily actions don't prove my friendship, then nothing will. I don't want to be expected to pull my female self out of the closet and dust her off for social occasions just to make others feel comfortable. To me this is an issue about my choice being recognized and respected. I know she doesn't see me as a man - she's told me this, but I all I ask from her is that she sees I made a choice. All I ask is that she respect that choice I made. She is making expectations of me that she does not make of any of her other male friends.

Perhaps I'm just being thick and insensitive, but I don't think she makes an effort to understand me, and I'm just plain tired of trying to get people to understand me.

I'm finding the straight friends from pre-transition will be the hardest to keep. It's just becoming even more of an issue of "us against them" than when homosexuality was an issue. Odd, huh? Now it would seem that I'm a straight guy, but I find I'm more intolerant of the straight world than ever before.

2001-05-21 08:15:00; As long as all is in good taste....
Before I turned in my final version of my dissertation, I wrote to the graduate school to see if I could change all gendered pronouns used in referring to myself to masculine ones. I had intended to do this without permission, but decided later to make it all legal like. This is the response I got from the graduate school:

"The vita and acknowledgment pages are optional, and our only requirement is that nothing offensive is put on those pages. I don't see any problem with you using whatever gender pronouns you wish as long as all is in good taste."

Somehow it seems like a small victory of sorts. I'm quite pleased with the news.

2001-05-23 02:10:00; Thank you for your concern about my genitalia....
I've discovered that the two most frequent questions from those who find out I'm FTM are:

1. Are you sure you've thought this decision through?

2. Can they really put a dick on you that looks right and works?

I've become a little irritated by these questions, so I decided rather than just saying I don't answer that question anymore, I printed up some cards to carry in my wallet. This way I can have a little fun and also vent a bit of my passive aggressive nature.

So, one side of the card reads:

"No, I didn't wake up one morning and just decide to cut of my tits. I'm not prone to lopping off portions of my body without some thought, are you?"

The other side reads:

"Thank you for your concern about my genitalia. I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel to be asked about my dick. To answer your question, there are many choices available. Each choice having its own level of function and appearance. By the way, how is your genitalia looking and functioning these days?"

2001-05-26 08:02:00; The national FtM standard....
I hate the weekends. I really get moody during them. I guess there aren't enough distractions. Funny, now that I feel more comfortable in my own skin, I feel less comfortable being alone. I want to be out doing something, but I'm not exactly sure where I fit.

I'm making plans to go to Atlanta next month to meet a few ftm guys. I've been wanting to do this for quite sometime, but I guess was afraid I wouldn't fit in or that I would be judged. I feared that maybe I wouldn't measure up to the national FTM standard or something. I don't know...it was a weird feeling of intimidation, but I've decided to let that feeling go. Anyway, there is a cute girl in Atlanta I'd like to see again, and going to this get together gives me an excuse to call her when I'm in town :-).

2001-05-27 14:14:00; Ken isn't anatomically incorrect.....
We've all been lied to for years. We've been lied to by our parents, our sisters, but mostly by Mattel. Ken isn't anatomically incorrect! He's FtM.

2001-05-29 10:01:00; To and fro...
I had a surreal day yesterday. A sunk relationship fell further into an abyss with an email and another relationship relegated to an abyss long ago was resurrected as a friendship with a phone call. It only goes to show me that life is a cycle. It's difficult to understand the cycle at a low point, even more difficult to realize it at a high point, but so very easy to see in the transition between the two.

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