2002-04-02; Call me Beta Boy and I’ll bust you in the grill (a flashback)……

2002-04-08; I‘ve officially reached dirty old man age ……
When I think back to nearly every male mentor I’ve had, I would picture him being the age I am now. Today, I turned 35 and I love the thought that I’m a man of that age. There is some sort of strength that I feel men began to obtain as they get older. However, I don’t know if I can automatically get this strength by simply turning 35. I think it will take me a bit more time. I think right now I’m only beginning to leave the horny teenager part of my manhood.

Before my transition, I looked at each passing birthday as another year that I was not a man. Today, I no longer must see it that way.

2002-04-13; How do you say "cut off my hairy boobs" in French???
I’m fast approaching the date with my surgeon. There are many things that still must be done before I can leave next Saturday, but I feel I will soon be prepared to go. While I’ll be in Montreal for a week, I’m planning on packing extremely light. I don’t want to have to be burdened with tons of luggage on my return. I don’t know how sore I will be.

I find that I’m actually more nervous about the flight than the surgery. I’ve always been an uneasy flyer - it’s a control issue. I have no real feelings about the surgery itself. I’m eager to have it done and over with and that’s about it. For quite awhile I thought it was important to have an overly positive outlook, and I would often envisioned myself with perfect chest right after surgery. With keyhole type surgery, this is very unlikely.  While I’m rather small breasted, I will have redundant skin.  Now I’ve decided to trust that I have chosen a  good surgeon.  I’ve decided to prepared myself for what results I will likely see, and I’ve told myself that revision is an almost certain part of this type of surgery.  Now I feel I’m ready, and other than the great desire to have it completed yesterday, I don’t feel any nervousness at all.

I will fly to Montreal on Saturday. I was not required to be there until Monday, but I got a much better deal on my airline fare but flying in two days earlier.  It will be nice to have an opportunity to see Montreal for a couple of days prior to surgery. I will fly back on the following Saturday, provided all goes well. Once I return home, my mom will come for a week long visit. She is still very uncomfortable will my transition, but I think she still wants to be my mother and look after me when I’m recovering.

I’ve not told anyone at work about my upcoming surgery. I merely tell them that I’m taking a vacation. I hate hiding my transition from everyone, but I still don’t feel comfortable revealing this part of me. I really don’t think it matters if people like you or respect you - once you tell them you are transsexuaal, they never see you the same again.

So, the updating of my journal may be slower than normal for the next couple of weeks, but I will surely post my experiences as soon as possible.  

2002-04-27; I'm back...

Just a quick note to let everyone know that surgery went well. It was quite painless and from what I can tell it looks good. I'm looking forward to a nice, hot shower (the first in 5 days) in the next couple of minutes.

I'll update more when I get a little rest.

Thanks to all that sent me emails. I'll answer them soon.

2002-04-28; A surgical play by play...

Saturday 4/20/02
I arrived in Montreal on the evening of April 20th. Since my reservation at the convalescence house was not until the 22nd, I stayed in Montreal at a hotel.

Sunday 4/21/02
I took in an Expos game, and saw a bit of the city.

Monday 4/22/02
I called Mr. Clerk, the convalescence house’s driver, and made arrangements with him to take me to the house mid-morning.

Just before noon, I arrived at the house and was shown my room. I got the Chopin room (all rooms are named after composers). I met a few of the staff and patients.

The rest of the day I spent meeting everyone and talking. I was the only man there and I was flattered by all the attention, especially that from a fiery red headed Texan.

Some of the patients, that were to have surgery in the morning, left for the hospital after dinner. I stayed the night at the house.

Tuesday 4/23/02
I was awaken early in the morning, and was taken to the hospital by Dr. Brassard.

At the hospital, I filled out admission forms, and was shown my room. The rooms are very simple with two beds, but for the rest of the day, the entire room was mine alone.

I saw the two women that had left the night before, and they were anxious to have their surgeries (Dr. Menard was performing three surgeries this day). I also got to meet a transguy that had a phallo done by Brassard and Menard. He was a little out of it, so I didn’t bug him too much.

Mid-morning, Dr. Menard stopped by to see me. He informed me that I would be going second. He examined me and answered the questions I had. I was most concerned about nipple size. He assured me that he could reduce my size, but that there might be some loss of sensation. I’ve never had much sensation, so I was not concerned.

Around 11 am, I was told to put on my gown, and to use the restroom. After that, I was taken to the OR where I was placed on a gurney. My anesthesiologist  stopped by and started my IV. Twenty minutes later, I was pushed into the OR and placed on the table. Dr. Menard snapped a couple of pictures of my chest and, I don’t recall anything after that.

Sometime in the afternoon, I woke up in my hospital room. Nurses came in and out, checking my blood pressure and asking if I was in pain, but I had no concept of time. With the exception of one nurse, the care was absolutely great. I had no pain, and was given only one shot of morphine. I did vomit once, but I think that is fairly common. I had some trouble urinating, but that seemed to be more of a concern for the nurses than me. I slightly recall Dr. Menard stopping by to tell me that all went well.

Wednesday 4/24/02
I was a bit more conscious, however, I still slept quite a bit. I still experienced no pain, and it appeared that I was draining very little.

Mid-morning a guy was moved to my room. I didn’t know he was having the same thing done, and I didn’t talk to him. I thought he was just some guy off the street, and I didn’t want to try to explain the procedure I just had. Later, I realized he was part of “the club”, and I ended up talking more with him and his friend once we all got back to the convalescence house.

After lunch I was told I would be going back to the convalescence house in the afternoon. I slowly got dressed and packed up my stuff.

Dr. Menard stopped by around 4 pm to take back to the house. We stopped at a drug store on the way, and he went in and got my pain medicine (of which I only took four pills the whole time I was there).

I made it back to the house for dinner, and was greeted by all my new friends. I took it easy for the rest of the day.

Thursday 4/25/02
I woke up early to say good-bye to the fiery red headed Texan. As the morning moved on, I felt able to move around a lot more. I even decided I was flexible enough to take a bit of a sponge bath.

I lounged the rest of the day.

I did hurt myself once as I attempted to shake someone’s hand. I felt a ripping sensation on my right pec, however, since my drainage was still nearly non-existent, I didn’t feel like I did any real damage.

Friday 4/26/02
I was feeling much more flexible. I was getting about pretty good. I spent most of the day just socializing. I enjoyed getting to know such wonderful people, but I was beginning to look forward to going home.

After lunch, Dr. Menard stopped by to take out my drains. I got to see my chest for the first time. I didn’t look  “deflated” (a common look for the keyhole procedure), however, that might be due to the swelling. I was impressed with the look of my nipples. They might need to be taken down more in a revision, but for now, they look better than expected.

Dr. Menard took out the right drain first, and it hurt like hell - like burning sensation. I didn’tt expect it to hurt so bad. I was already cringing when he started on the left drain, but he pulled that one without me feeling it. I think the right drained hurt so bad, because I injured myself the day before. There was a little bit of blood and that made me a little sick, but it was all over quickly. Within 30 minutes, I had no more pain in my right pec.

Saturday 4/27/02
I had breakfast with everyone and said my good-byes. The limo picked me up around 9 am, and I was off to the airport.

My flight was rather easy. I didn’t experience any pain through my travels, but I was tired by time I reached home.

I took my first shower in nearly five days, and that was a relief.  I can’t really reach my arms over my head, but I was able to shampoo my hair. I moved around rather gingerly without my binder on, and my shoulders are hunched protectively inward. My chest looks good. There is little swelling and I don’t seem to have that deflated look. My chest is covered in a giant green bruise though.

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